Having trouble forgiving myself...

[chimva96]

My gf of 3.5 years dumped me early May due to me neglecting her/taking her for granted. Unless someone is interested in hearing all the details I will choose to leave them out. In short, university was very demanding and I ignorantly I picked up the habit of smoking weed which undoubtedly catalyzed the death of our relationship. Eventually I was high more than I was sober and I began to get my priorities mixed up and wasn't making time for her. The truth is I was young, dumb, and inexperienced. I thought that just because we were together for so long that she wouldn't break up with me.

 

She told me I have always been selfish. I now understand I had insecurity issues and chose to let her fill the voids in my heart rather than fill them myself. Ultimately never feeling satisfied and inevitably pushing her away in attempts to test her love for me. Generally, this seems to be one of the main reasons men take their women for granted.

 

I understand the mistakes I have made and would rather not be chastised (I have grieved enough).

 

I've made good progress moving on and feel that her leaving me is justified b/c I understand she couldn't be happy with how I treated her those last months. I love her so much and just want her to be happy. We did have very amazing times I do wish that one day she recalls them and gives me another try. However I understand this is very unlikely (.00001% chance) :sorrow:

 

She was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, loving, incredibly intelligent, extremely loyal, conserved, etc. Literally, the entire package and everything I could ask for. She was my first true love and real relationship. We were high school sweethearts. Everyone told us we were goals. I feel so lucky and unlucky to have found such a good one as my first. Also I can't stop comparing other women to her.

 

The healing process has been especially difficult b/c I can't seem to forgive myself for neglecting such a princess. I hate that I let myself pass up such a quality women. She did nothing but show me love and all I did was take it and abused it. Now I'm drowning in guilt. I actually can't recall a single flaw she had. It seems all of our issues stemmed from my insecurities and my selfish ways to appease them. Just the fact that she stayed so long after all the crap I gave her makes me realize even more her capacity to love and how I wasted it. I was mistaken to think her love was infinite. I ran her dry. I just want to tell her I'm sorry but I'm afraid I have done that enough and its effect has been diluted. I can't believe I ended up being "that" guy.. I was so stupid...

[Dahl]

Hello and welcome to the forum. FWIW, I'd like to share one of my mentor's top shelf paraphrases (while also pretending paraphrases is a legitimate word): there are two modes in life - succeeding and learning. You've learned and are learning valuable things about yourself and your interactions with others. You are trying and from your post, it seems like you are genuinely interested in making hard-earned progress. I'm sorry this relationship wound up unsuccessful, but I don't think that you are stupid, by any means. Keep working on your attitude and approach and focus on yourself, your healing and your accomplishments in making your life healthier and more productive. You can do this.

 

Good luck.

[Careerchoice]

Without the details, I can't tell you if you are really at fault.

 

Stop glorifying your ex. Without insulting her, I can tell you for a fact that she is not on this pedestal you've put her on. A lot of other girls have the same qualities as her plus more. She's no unicorn.

 

If you wanted to do what's right for you, you'd go No Contact so that you can heal and view the situation rationally. That's not happening at this time.

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, OP.

 

The truth is that first loves almost never last forever anymore. And that's not a bad thing. People grow and change and often find they're no longer compatible and want to explore more. So while taking her for granted and neglecting her no doubt contributed to the break-up, it's also quite likely you two would have eventually parted ways. You were young when you got together and still have so much life ahead of you. Very few highschool couples successfully manage that transition into adulthood.

 

Because she was your first love, you have little to compare that to. I am not saying that she wasn't a lovely girl, but you are also not experienced enough yet to determine if she is the love of your life. No relationship and no person is perfect. Someday you will see that, but it will come when you're further along your healing and more detached from her. The best is yet to come, once you're ready for it.

[chimva96]

It was heavily my fault. I was barely spending time with her, replying to her texts late, and there were times when I could've spent time with her but I was just sitting at home high out of my mind watching toons. I know for a fact I wouldn't have done it if I were sober. She even warned me that the weed wasn't a good idea but I told her that it was fine and it did not affect my studies and that it would be okay. I had no idea it was causing me to neglect her. I think at the time she must also be busy with school but turns out her classes weren't as difficult (how was I supposed to know I barely talked to her). Yes some of it was situational like school being very demanding but ultimately it was my choice to start smoking at the time. I neglected her and she felt Lonely for a very long time. I was not playing my role as her boyfriend. I deserve what has happened and it hurts.

 

I have since stopped smoking for good. Not for her but b/c I want to be able to heal fully and not take shortcuts. Also I just want to be fully conscious of all my actions and make better decisions for now on. It's been about 3 weeks of absolute NC but we do work together so it sucks to see her.

[bbogdanov]

You live and learn. I am in the same situation like you, except for the weed smoking. I just neglected my ex, took her for granted, I was selfish etc. The result is the same and you are right - we deserve what we've done. You will forgive yourself eventually, it takes some time. We broke up 7 months ago and I still feel bad sometimes, but there is a big improvement so keep your head high.

[bwhite00]

Men seem to have a more difficult time moving on from losing a beautiful woman than vice versa. Maybe it's the fact attractive women are always being chased therefore the reality \illusion of replacing a great guy is what propels their seeming indifference.

 

I have extensive experience in dating, relationships, failed relationships and healing. And all that I can say is, even so, I have still made the same mistakes for a year after my latest heart-ache (it never breaks); constant texts, irrational mood-swings when I am ignored.

 

I am on day 3 no contact after a relationship failed a year ago, that I have desperately tried to save.

 

At some point the man has to use the coldness against the one who hurts him, usually forever. Thinking otherwise, is torture.

 

Say what you need to say, repression isn't healthy, and become pure silence. Forever.

 

Its the only way dude.

[MUrmillo]

I have extensive experience in dating, relationships, failed relationships and healing. And all that I can say is, even so, I have still made the same mistakes for a year after my latest heart-ache (it never breaks); constant texts, irrational mood-swings when I am ignored.

 

 

Its the only way dude.

 

Could you tell me more about your situation? Sounds very familiar to mine.