Should I pay?

[abeltasman]

My girlfriend and I broke up in February. We've managed to stay good friends since then despite it being quite difficult at times.

 

When we were still together, I had a medical problem that required about 6-7 visits to specialist doctors over the course of 2 months. My girlfriend insisted on coming to each appointment and supporting me, despite me telling her it wasn't necessary and acknowledging her life was busy enough as it is (she doesn't work but has two kids to look after).

 

We live (and I work) in different parts of a big city so we would mostly meet at the doctors' offices for each appointment. I took public transport and she drove her car. The city we live in operates a congestion charge, meaning that any vehicle that enters the central part of town has to pay a fee for doing so. It is up to the driver to pay these fees on the day or day after they have entered the congestion charge zone.

 

My girlfriend at the time did not do this (remember to pay immediately). But she also did not register her vehicle under her new address following her divorce 3 years ago. So not only did she not pay the congestion charge but she didn't receive the letters informing her that her payments were overdue. These 6 to 7 congestion fees have over the course of recent months ballooned into a four figure sum.

 

She now has to pay this sum and has requested my help in doing so as she thinks it is a 'shared responsibility'.

 

I don't think our respective incomes are important in this matter because this is essentially a moral question of responsibility. But in order to provide some context, I live a lot less affluently than she does even though we are both comfortable.

 

Do you guys think I should contribute to these fines?

 

I would just like to add that I am not a driver and I only take public transport so questions around the use of public roads and associated obligations are something that I do not deal with, whereas she does - she drives everywhere.

 

I feel very bad because she was very supportive when it came to the doctor's visits and was very kind and caring throughout that period. On the other hand, I'm not sure I can take responsibility for what happens with her vehicle? I'm really confused and I don't know what the 'right' thing to do is.

[boxingguy]

I'm going to keep it real with you, abletasman, you're only thinking about this because I'm assuming you're a decent guy.

 

That being said, she's not you're responsibility. You're not morally obligated.

 

You were the reason she drive (proof? Exact dates of congestion fee and your doctor dates matches?) those few times, but not the cause of her fines. REASON of driving, NOT the CAUSE of her issues.

 

That's on her, and solely her. She should have known. The audacity to say "shared responsibility", when you're no longer with her and HER PROBLEMS NOW WERE CAUSED BY HER OWN LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY 😑. I'd be insulted, not feeling remorse.

 

You don't have to help her. Not obligated on any grounds. None. Actually I hope you don't honestly.

 

P.S. A genuine friend would politely asked "I have these fees, I know it's not your problem, but is it possible for you to help?" NOT "shared responsibility". I'm not even you, and it has my blood boiling.

[j.man]

Of course not. On principle alone, it's simply not your responsibility. That aside, I'm assuming we don't know how much of these fees are specifically due to her visiting you, anyhow. If an ex came to me months after the fact with thousands of dollars in parking fees, especially due to her own negligence in not paying them off while they were $15, and expected me to help pay them off, I would laugh... because that's a really good joke.

[SherrySher]

Me personally, I would help pay it. Just because anything less will probably cause problems and resentment and life is too short.

If it's a substantial amount I might reconsider, but it's it's something you can handle, why not help her out? After all she was trying to help you out.

I know, you did not drive, but I think this is more to save a friendship and to help her as she has helped you and to have no hard feelings.

At least that's what I would do.

[fireflies]

I find it interesting that she thinks this is a shared responsibility yet she is the one who's failed to register the car at her current address and to pay the congestion charges when they were initially due.

 

You're certainly not obligated to help pay these fees but she may very well react badly if you don't contribute. Are you okay with that? Is there another possible option that would allow you to honor both points of view?

[Doc Blaze]

Me personally, I would help pay it. Just because anything less will probably cause problems and resentment and life is too short.

If it's a substantial amount I might reconsider, but it's it's something you can handle, why not help her out? After all she was trying to help you out.

I know, you did not drive, but I think this is more to save a friendship and to help her as she has helped you and to have no hard feelings.

At least that's what I would do.

 

 

friends wouldn't ask you to pay for something that was their fault. the whole situation was because she didn't register her car like she was suppose to...

[abeltasman]

Thank you so much everyone.

 

To offer some additional context we're both very different with money. I don't earn an awful lot and I'm careful with what I spend. I always try and put money aside even if it means making sacrifices on doing fun stuff. She is the opposite. She spends a lot and lives for the moment. Holidays, clothes, personal treatments etc.

 

She's recently been hit by some other unforeseen expenses relating to her car, so the congestion charges are coming at a difficult time.

 

I am in a position to help her but it would be a hit to my financial position.

 

I'm just concerned that my instincts to be careful with money might be clouding my judgment when it comes to 'doing the right thing'.

 

Thanks again.

[SherrySher]

I actually agree with you Doc, I am too nice most of the time but it hasn't served me well. That being said, nah...don't pay. She drove,she made the mistakes and you aren't a couple anymore.

[abeltasman]

Also - the fines are now about $1800....

[j.man]

Assuming these fees are legit, I wonder if she even bothered talking to the city to see about getting them reduced or getting put on a payment plan before she came to you looking for a lump sum to contribute.

[boxingguy]

Abletasman, I'm going to say it again.

 

NO. YOUR JUDGEMENT IS FAIR. She is the root of her own problems. You need to help yourself first if that's your financial status. She's no charity case, she's just a person who makes horrible financial Decisions.

 

I'd cut ties already.

[Doc Blaze]

Thank you so much everyone.

 

To offer some additional context we're both very different with money. I don't earn an awful lot and I'm careful with what I spend. I always try and put money aside even if it means making sacrifices on doing fun stuff. She is the opposite. She spends a lot and lives for the moment. Holidays, clothes, personal treatments etc.

 

She's recently been hit by some other unforeseen expenses relating to her car, so the congestion charges are coming at a difficult time.

 

I am in a position to help her but it would be a hit to my financial position.

 

I'm just concerned that my instincts to be careful with money might be clouding my judgment when it comes to 'doing the right thing'.

 

Thanks again.

 

 

I am going to be honest, I can see why she asked you to help. she knows their is a 50/50 chance you will cave.

 

she doesn't save money like you do, so why do you have to suffer her consequences.

[sophie274]

The most I would offer to pay would be half of the original congestion fees (at the time they were due), since you presumably appreciated her support at the time.

 

I agree with the others you bear no responsibility for the late fees/fines she has accumulated.

[sophie274]

Assuming these fees are legit, I wonder if she even bothered talking to the city to see about getting them reduced or getting put on a payment plan before she came to you looking for a lump sum to contribute.

 

I think this is a good idea (negotiating with the city) and perhaps you could suggest this to her, since she might not realize that this could be an option.

[catfeeder]

I'd send her the original amount of the fees, and the rest would be on her. I'd also rethink the idea of playing friendzies with an ex. No need to be enemies, but civility when our paths cross in public would be my limit. This would free me to move forward and seek a new relationship unencumbered by old business.

[j.man]

The most I would offer to pay would be half of the original congestion fees (at the time they were due), since you presumably appreciated her support at the time.

 

I agree with the others you bear no responsibility for the late fees/fines she has accumulated.

I was thinking about suggesting this... though probably for much different reasons. The highest daily congestion fee I could find was like $15 a day. Offering to give her like $50 when she's got an $1800 tab is kind of a middle finger, though one I wouldn't say is necessarily uncalled for given the circumstances. But yeah, I think it would come off as pretty spiteful.

 

Additionally, at least by the OP's account, it was all at her insistence while he was assuring her she didn't need to come. Trying to imagine how well received it would be if I popped onto these forums asking if an ex of mine should fork over money for fees I accrued when I insisted on tagging along for her medical appointments.

 

If I'm completely honest, if I were in the OP's shoes and this conversation more or less came up in passing, I might offer some amount-- nothing remotely close to half, but yeah, maybe the original fees. But, that's because I am a lot like Sherry in sometimes being a bit too nice with assistance. If this is a case of her coming to him clearly with the expectation of a contribution, I'd be doing Morse code with my middle fingers.

[j.man]

I think this is a good idea (negotiating with the city) and perhaps you could suggest this to her, since she might not realize that this could be an option.

Yup. If I had to guess, she'd probably save more money than you ever could or should contribute. Cities like their fee revenue and know very well folks are more likely to pay something if they can actually afford it than if they see it as futile. In fact, they quite often make fines astronomical with the very purpose of creating a negotiating point should someone actually invest the 5 minutes into a phone call.

[melancholy123]

My two cents is you dont have to pay her anything, it's her own fault she didnt pay the charges at first nor did she change her address in order to get the bills for the fees. Her problem, not yours.

[j.man]

Also, while I don't have intimate knowledge of the UK (or wherever you're from), here in the States, there are lawyers who make a living getting fees reduced simple and cheap (at least relative to the fine). Cities generally aren't interested in litigating over traffic fines. If she owes $1800 and a simple phone call doesn't do the trick, I'm sure it'd be worth doing some Googling.

[tattoobunnie]

How is it a shared responsibility? It's not like she once picked you up. Do you own half the car? NOPE. Did you force her to not update her license? Which by the way can be done online for a nominal fee. She should contact a lawyer to get these reduced. Still not your responsibility. When my hubby gets a red light ticket, he takes care of it. It's not the 1950's. Women can vote, and you're not even together. HELL NO!

[Pretzel]

I am inclined to agree with the advice so far, how could she ask you for money? Does she have no pride? Do you think maybe in her previous relationship her husband just dished out cash to her and she became too used to that dynamic?

[roadrunner12]

"My girlfriend at the time did not do this (remember to pay immediately). But she also did not register her vehicle under her new address following her divorce 3 years ago. So not only did she not pay the congestion charge but she didn't receive the letters informing her that her payments were overdue. These 6 to 7 congestion fees have over the course of recent months ballooned into a four figure sum."

 

 

Absolutely do not pay anything at all. Your girlfriend forgot to pay not once, not twice, not three times, not four times, not five times, not six times but seven times. I would guess that she thought she was getting away with it without any consequences. Now that shes busted for her own careless negligence, and is looking for scapegoats to pay the piper.

 

I'm going to throw this scenario out at you. I went to a movie with my girlfriend and never plugged in enough money as the movie lasted longer than I thought and as a result I got a ticket. It was 35$ if paid within one week and then it went up to 65$. Should I expect my girlfriend to pay for my ticket if I FORGOT to pay it. I would not have expected her to chip in at all for the ticket.

 

Lets say this repeats again for a second time, and then a third time, and then a fourth time and then a fifth time and then a sixth time and then a seventh time and finally my car gets impounded. And then I have a bill for 380$, it doesn't make any sense to ask for any money when it is all down to my own negligence. I'm not sure why your girlfriend would feel entitled to any money at all.

[journeynow]

She now has to pay this sum and has requested my help in doing so as she thinks it is a 'shared responsibility'.

 

I don't follow her thinking, but if she believes the fines are "shared responsibility" I suppose your medical bills are as well and she can help pay those.

[KantSleep]

As stated by another poster, she should call the ticketing authority and plead her case about having moved, not receiving the bills, etc. to try and chop that number down. I would not offer a dime it IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. She is abusing your friendship.

[jujusamples]

I know I'm a bit late on this post but I'm so confused on several things;

 

I don't know how much congestion fees are, but I'm assuming as what jman stated $15 dollars a day at most? How did she end up with a $1800 fine? So 7 doctor visits = $105. Is this the case of her pretending to be there for you already knowing she has this huge congestion fee already piled up and knowing that you are a nice person, will hopefully use it against you down the road so she could get her fees paid off? It's just not adding up, that $1800 fee is her own stupidity for letting them add up for so long. She shouldn't have drove there if she can't pay the fees. This is way more than 7 doctor's visit. Seems like it's years and years of driving there many times. She's well aware that she has that much in congestion fees. She just chose to avoid them!

 

If she doesn't work, how could she afford vacations, shopping, and supporting her 2 kids?

 

I'm very similar to @sherrysher and is probably too nice would probably help the person. In your case, your ex girlfriend sounds very irresponsible and is spending more money than she has. That's why she's getting herself into all sorts of bad financial situations. I say let it be her problem, if you help her you are just enabling her bad spending habits. It's also not your responsibility.

 

I don't know where you live in this world but where I live, any toll/fees will be connected to the person whom insured the vehicle. It doesn't matter if you have moved your change your address or not, it's associated to your driver's license/insurance. So if you get caught 3 years without updating your driver's license you will be in more trouble than $1800 debt. Point is the government always have a way to find you. Who doesn't update their address after 3 years? Again her problem! She's probably used to people always bailing her out, so she feels it's okay to be irresponsible, don't enable her!