Stuck with a difficult situation

[Shadow12]

So my partner and I have been together for a few years, we have kids and we're soon to be married (hopefully) but we're stuck in a situation that can't be fixed. Just before we started dating, he had a fling with his Sister's Fiancee's Sister... Which makes it his Sister's Sister in law. I didn't find out until after we already started dating and I had a strange feeling about it because she was always starring at me in a nasty way and refused to be polite to me etc. My partner then admitted that he had a fling with her (and slept with her) Now this makes everything so hard because she is always in his family's lives and she is invited to all of their events. Nobody likes her and they have had trouble with her for years but they still continue to invite her to every birthday, seasonal events and everything else. And they had also lied to us at one point by telling us she wasn't invited to a birthday but actually was - When we got there she was there too and it caused so much drama. I understand that everyone has a past and previous partners, but the problem is that although she's my partner's past she is still involved in our lives and there's nothing we can do to avoid her! My partner's Sister and her Fiancee are getting married in a couple of months and they will eventually have kids. Which will mean that my partner will be an uncle to those kids and his ex fling will be an aunty to those kids (I will be their aunty through marriage) we will be tied to her for life and I really can't handle knowing that I'll have to see her at every celebration as long as I live. It's already bad enough now, let alone when the families become official. I don't want our relationship to fall apart because of this and it's our biggest problem we've had as a couple. I don't know how to find a solution but I need one asap before everything gets worse.

[rosephase]

So what is the issue with seeing her? It makes you uncomfortable? Jealous? What is the issue that is larger then any member of the extended family that you don't really like? Be polite. Be kind. And deal. Your an adult you get that you don't get to pick family. What is it that you are scared of? She is someone you don't particularly like who you have to see rarely... most people have a few people like that.

[Shadow12]

My issues with her are obviously jealousy (my partner was with her just weeks before we started dating and I was unaware at the time) she makes us both feel uncomfortable because she makes it very obvious that she hates me, she purposely tries to talk to him even though he makes it obvious that he doesn't want anything to do with her, she threw a fit when I was picked as a bridesmaid for my partner's Sister's wedding, which resulted in her replacing my spot and I had to leave the bridal party. She's always been involved in everything and she's caused trouble every time - I don't want to have to deal with the drama for the rest of my life. And one day we'll be Aunties to the same children, she will create conflict at their birthdays, easter, Christmas etc. She always tries to kick me out of the picture and she always succeeds because she is conniving and manipulative. Every time I visit my inlaws, she shows up. She obviously still has feelings for my partner which is why she hates me and is bitter and rude towards me.

[Annia]

I think you're making this bigger than it is. So what? They had something before you dated and you guys don't like each other. Every one has a past and it's not like ex girlfriends or ex flings are always a menace to new relationship. They exist and we have to deal with it and move on. It's been years. Just be polite with her, be respectful and avoid being with her more than the necessary family functions. I don't see any drama here, so I'd avoid feeding into it.

 

Unless the issue here is you not trusting your partner, I don't see much of an issue here.

[Chevroledy]

First I think you should have a conversation with your partner about the feeling you are getting from this person, make sure you communicate that you want future family activities to be more pleasant for everyone, because I am sure it must be uncomfortable for others who feel the tension between you. After you do this, try to make peace with this woman, even though she was the initiator of the discomfort, you have to be the bigger person. Ask her why she is impolite, try to get her point of view. If nothing else, you will know why she behaves in this manner and can ignore it instead of wondering how to deal with her. Ask the person who invites her to family gatherings why they do it when this person is so unpleasant. You may get a better understanding of her situation, and she may drop her guard.

[glitterfingers]

I don't see how this situation can actually get any worse. You've already dealt with the shock that she is in your lives and that your partner had a fling with her - so now all you have left to do is 'acclimatise' and move on with your life. It doesn't sound like this woman is the one who's specifically starting drama. It sounds more like the drama revolves around your insecurity and dislike of her, and annoyance that she gets invited to family functions.

 

All I can really say in this situation is that you can (and probably will) come to accept things how they are and make the most of the situation. People often have relationships with partners that have kids from a previous marriage where the other parent is still involved with both sides of the kids' family. That can even mean that the other parent is invited to family functions, or that there is a friendship among all the adults for the sake of the kids. You can choose to facilitate a similar arrangement here by being 'the bigger person' - or you can continue to complain about this when you know there's no other solution. What are you going to choose?

[Clio]

I don't get it. You went ahead and had kids with your partner. Or is it with other people? How is that woman more important than your commitment to the family you have created? Shouldn't you have thought that prior to entering kids to the equasion? Why now? At the end of the day you need to set your priorities straight.

[MissCanuck]

I understand why you're uncomfortable with her, but it sounds like you've known about this for a while. You proceeded to date him and build a life with him knowing all of this, no?

 

I'm curious what you expect should happen at this point. You're already committed to your fiance, he is committed to you. From where I stand, I don't know what more you can do than grit your teeth and ignore her. Keep your distance as much as possible. If she raises hell, speak to your fiance and his sister. His family isn't going to cut either of you out, so you have to learn to deal with each other. If you choose not to attend family events because you know she will be there, well, that's on you. You can't tell them not to invite her, if that's what you're hoping for.

[Lisii]

I don't envy you... I had a horrible ex-mil and that was bad enough.

 

Is there a chance you and your bf/finance could have it out with her? lay all the cards on the table... if it gets worse, then its is her problem.

 

Only advice that I can give is... smile, and don't fall into her stupid manipulating drama's. You obviously have a wonderful man beside you, don't let one person ruin something good.

 

Could you & your partner maybe set her up with someone? - someone who could distract her and she may move on? Better the devil you know kinda thing - try and be pals with her? (distant pals, don't ever trust her)

 

Other than that I have nothing but a hug