IAmFCA Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 Ah, I didnt realize I was a page behind! Keep dating. Learn from every single person you meet. The weird dynamic about who shows interest is just... irrelevant. When it works it won't matter. Some men require she initiate a lot; I have ideas about why that it is with the ones I've met but it doesn't matter. Initiate if you want to, or don't. I've never been cheapened by how I express interest, but it doean't mean my target offers what I seek. Respect your instincts to take risks you are willing to take like asking someone out or saying you are interested. Learn to fail, and also how to be unflappable. Learn to say what you need and move on till you find it, owing no explanation to anyone. Beware of collecting acquaintances as friends. It is easy to do. Cutting the cord is a skill that helps you curate who is in your environment. Important. My story is different than Batyas and remains unwritten but I will share a bit. I have been dating in various ways for about 8 years. I have little interest in dating now; if a man is compelling, yes. If he is almost but not quite, no. I need a long time to get to know someone and to absorb them. I figured out what values are important, what world views I require in a partner. Mostly, I am not available. There is so much I want to do intellectually that I'd rather go to the library. Until nowish, I needed to date a lot to figure myself out. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 "Give up the dork / not dork idea. Is he learning, doing, goal achieving? Is life an adventure? Is he responsible? Has he had friends for years? A second date will help you." I don't think her issue is the "idea" or "label" of a dork. It's more basic -that if a guy shows interest and is not a typical "bad boy" she gets turned off and experiences that as clingy (and sometimes the guy is clingy in reality -is insecure (which is not nice in the least) - but she experiences it 100 fold because he is showing interest in her). OP -I don't think most guys you would like (meaning reasonably secure, not ultra shy) would need you to ask him out on dates in the beginning or do most of the contacting. If you decide you really do like ultra shy guys who are insecure/so scared to ask you out that they would choose fear over being with you -then yes, take him by the hand, take control, ask him out and show him how interested you are. I don't get from what you wrote that that is your thing in the least. It never was mine although I married a man who used to be ultra-shy in his teens and 20s. Most reasonably secure guys who are single, available and interested in you will put in the effort to plan dates with you in advance so that you don't get snapped up by some other guy while they're being ambivalent, tentative or procrastinating or "too busy". Meet him halfway. Show interest, flirt, learn about what he is innterested in, accept dates enthusiastically but until you've gone on a number of dates let him do more of the asking out - not chasing -just asking out. Asking out is not chasing especially when you respond with enthusiasm and interest. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 dork and bad boy ... both turn people into characters, archetypes, objects. they are people. do they offer you what you want, OP? Choose, don't get chosen. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 dork and bad boy ... both turn people into characters, archetypes, objects. they are people. do they offer you what you want, OP? Choose, don't get chosen. Yes- certainly she should treat people as individuals but I read what she wrote as shorthand for behaviors he had that were a turn off - as shorthand people often use when posting on message boards. She didn't dismiss him because of a label and described what it was he did and said that didn't work for her chemistry-wise. As far as "offer what she wants" she seems to want a spark/chemistry and those qualities were on the con side of offering her that. Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted July 1, 2017 Author Share Posted July 1, 2017 I have just begun to keep contact with multiple guys at once, [not sleeping with them obv] but it helps me see who is really interested, etc. SOMETIMES i do dismiss the "clingy" ones. i feel like it annoys me, but i think maybe this guy was showing interest and i just wasnt sure yet. i really dont talk to him a lot tho. i do notice when a guy is more into me i tend to get spooked, i back off, and come off as cold. i just have a hard time distinguishing clingy from fkboy, or actual interest. Soo for ex men who are like "hey beautiful" when i dont even know you..........uhm it annoys me. or this one guy would send SELFIES every single day!! idk why. so he'd compliment me all thhe time without even meeting me. like last night he goes "i bet the ocean goes great with your eyes with a heart face" idk i took it as very cheesy, and just replied "Lmao". well, i was drunk but still. Idk. stuff like that doesnt really speak to me and i dont find it to be genunine. i know i tend to go for a bad boy etc. but now its almost as if im just closing myself off to everyone. and im not really stuck up or full of myself, so idk why i act like this. maybe idk how to handle someome giving me attention etc. i mean i get a lot of it, but i dont handle it good. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 It's about knowing yourself and your personal boundaries and honoring them. So for example a guy who called me and said "hi honey, how was your day?" when we'd gone on one date made me want to vomit and from there it was downhill. When someone I didn't know or hadn't met yet commented on my physical features/looks too much I most often would end communication -not compatible with my values and not what I was looking for. Others might love it, eat it up. on our very first date 22 years ago this month, one of the first questions my future husband asked me was why I'd chosen the career I did (same career as he chose). You don't have to go to one or the other extreme - figure out what works for you and what doesn't. Figure out what you admire in a man and how you want him to respect and admire you. When I was a teenager and in my 20s I valued a certain look because I wanted others to look at my boyfriend and think he was hot. That validated me. That stopped being a priority for me later on. But it was still important to me that those close to me thought my partner was a good person, smart, caring, etc. Others might not care at all what others think. Figure out what your priorities are. Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 i dont feel validated by a super "hot guy" for sure. just i am still working on figuring out what does work for me. co dependecy issues make it hard for me to just cut someone off and say it isnt working lol. so for ex went out tonight w/ a guy...was a little awkward. we literally just started talking TODAY lol but he clearly wanted to meet bc he took me to dinner. we chatted for a few hours, and while I dont like how much he drinks [he openly admitted he does] i guess he's navy and stuff. we had some good convos. he seems to be genuninely nice and as soon as i got home and text him i was home said we def need to do a second date! so he's already pursuing me which is good. not my typical guy he is really into motorcycles lol but, again i havent dated in 10 years i feel like if i keep going for "a certain guy" i limit myself. other than the drinking, which doesnt seem to affect his life too much, he was a nice guy, and i enjoyed myself. he went for what he wanted which i like! i tend to chase idiots who dont like me as much as i like them. has his own place, has a dog he loves, takes care of his bills, etc. all things i like in a man. something i want to work on is the ability to show people INTEREST! i think i begin to notice i suck at it! people often time think im not interested when i really am. i automatically feel like i annoy people so i try not to seem "clingy" so i back off, but i think im backing off TOO much lol Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 HHAHHA guess who text me?? the guy i originally wrote this about OMG Hiiiiiiiiiiilarious! Link to comment
Cope Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 HHAHHA guess who text me?? the guy i originally wrote this about OMG Hiiiiiiiiiiilarious! ahahahahhhaahahha Do tell!! What did he say? Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 ahahahahhhaahahha Do tell!! What did he say? You still mad at me? You werent very nice the other day hes TYPING IN FULL SENTENCES hahahaAHAHAH not the two word responses i got before. LIKE FULL Sentences! HA im just going along with him. i didnt even recognize the # at first Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 ive been replying, saying i dont think i was mean, pretty sure you blew me off and he goes "i didint blow you off, i wanted to get coffee. still do" lol oh man Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 "im sorry if i made you feel like i was blowing you off, i didnt meant to, i had a lot of fun w you everytime we hung out" yo, so you mean you can text all these words? i guess while i stopped texting him he gained some new vocabulary skills lol Link to comment
Cope Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 Oh lord! Well he might've wanted another "coffee". I mean it was casual to begin with. When it's casual this is the time frame it works on. Also, only contact is to meet up for sex. SO I think that since you confronted him, he had to say something nice. Either way, make sure you describe to him in details what you want or wanted from this to avoid the same complication. I love it when they return! Link to comment
Cope Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 i guess while i stopped texting him he gained some new vocabulary skills lol ahahhahahahahahahahahah Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 Oh lord! Well he might've wanted another "coffee". I mean it was casual to begin with. When it's casual this is the time frame it works on. Also, only contact is to meet up for sex. SO I think that since you confronted him, he had to say something nice. Either way, make sure you describe to him in details what you want or wanted from this to avoid the same complication. I love it when they return! O yea im eating this up i think its beyond funny. id never sleep with him again anytime soon or ever possibly, so if he ever tried to get me alone yea that'd never work lmao. he is seriously texting me like 2--3 times in a row right now bc im giving very short replies. lol he trying really hard aha! Link to comment
Cope Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 O yea im eating this up i think its beyond funny. id never sleep with him again anytime soon or ever possibly, so if he ever tried to get me alone yea that'd never work lmao. he is seriously texting me like 2--3 times in a row right now bc im giving very short replies. lol he trying really hard aha! Revenge at it's sweetest! Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 yeah im not even replying with things that need a reply and hes going the extra mile lol seriously his text woke me up out of my sleep but at least its entertaining Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 hes asking to meet up for coffee tomorrow aha debating on whether i should for the entertainment! haha def wouldnt be going back to his house or anything like that, noooope Link to comment
Cope Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 Last time that happened to me, I said no to his attempt to ask me out. I wanted to text him yesterday just to see where he's at but I really don't know if it's worth it. I don't have feelings for him, we just really had a good laugh everytime we were together. Dunno , maybe I will text him. (this is not the guy I was writing about recently). Please keep us updated! Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 haha should just go for the fun together tho! see im fine with going bc i know i wont go home with him again i picked a place close to me! and he turned coffee into lets just go for lunch. soo sure........lol im supposed to go today we will see. he even text last night "dont stand me up, brittany" lol oh sorry dude that's you that does that, not me! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 He didn't stand you up ever - he simply just didn't follow up on making a specific plan. Go if you want to risk feeling attached again to someone who so far has made it clear that he is not that interested in exploring a potential relationship with you. Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 Im going more as a friend type thing. I dont even still have feelings for him. But I truthfully dont mind his company. We do have fun together talking. So this time I am setting boundaries, and when he crosses it I will back off. I feel as if before, even though just a few weeks ago I had a lot of growing to do. I was letting this guy control my emotions way too much, and that opened my eyes so Im not letting anyone do that now lol. He could cancel an hour before us supposedly hanging out today and it wouldnt even hurt my feelings one bit. Because I actually am going to hangout with the guy I went on a date with last night, tonight. Who I am looking more forward to seeing. Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 hahahaha he cancelled! i kinda figured "i cant go at 12 i wont get enough sleep, lets do it mrw night? im off at nine" Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted July 2, 2017 Author Share Posted July 2, 2017 i said and lied "i cant tomorrow i have plans" and he says "make sense" lmao this dude is so dumb Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 i said and lied "i cant tomorrow i have plans" and he says "make sense" lmao this dude is so dumb I'd end contact then - given your view of him just let it be and don't meet him just as some kind of validation for your ego. Link to comment
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