Imjustagirl222 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Share Posted June 21, 2017 i shouldve just listened to myself not other people. i didnt want to text him, i know he is blowing me off! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 He is not blowing you off in the least. He is declining to make a plan with you for coffee. Huge difference. Happy Birthday and please do yourself a favor and limit the pity parties over a stranger. Focus on your birthday, on your children and how you plan to raise them so that they have the standards and values you want them to have and don't settle for less. Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Share Posted June 21, 2017 How is that not blowing me off? Declining would be saying "No thanks" or "I cant" Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 It doesn't matter if he's blowing you off or declining you. All that matters is, if someone is interested in you, it'll be abundantly clear. Look at your behavior. It's clear you like him. When you're really into someone, do you ever behave like him? No. He's just not that in to you. I suggest you stop worrying about what the right thing to do or say is. Stop playing in to his games. Stop replying. Stop waiting for him. And hangout with your kids and friends and family on your birthday. Then look for a guy that doesn't make you wonder. Look for a guy where you know he wants you. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 How is that not blowing me off? Declining would be saying "No thanks" or "I cant" One of the lessons I have learned in dating is that it involves a lot of indirect communication. Our own - which we may not be aware of in full - and from others. People will use many other options that prevent a date from happening, without saying the word "No". Learn to accept that this is a social norm for many; in fact, even people who are otherwise quite direct use this technique. I can offer explanations as to why that are neither dysfunctional, ill-intended or rude. When striving for clarity, recognize that you don't have a sale until someone has signed an agreement. If there is no mutual agreement to a plan with time and place cited specifically, then there is no date. How you deal with this will become part of your dating style and may change over time. I don't much care; I also don't set time aside for someone without time/place. I have become happy living without clarity. I also have been single for years and without a steady dating partner for two. It's a drag; its also wonderful. Being with the wrong partner is 10x worse. Therefore, when someone fails to execute, fails to move forward with you - be glad they didn't let you date them because they've spared you the hassle of being with the wrong person and having to end it. Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Share Posted June 21, 2017 One of the lessons I have learned in dating is that it involves a lot of indirect communication. Our own - which we may not be aware of in full - and from others. People will use many other options that prevent a date from happening, without saying the word "No". Learn to accept that this is a social norm for many; in fact, even people who are otherwise quite direct use this technique. I can offer explanations as to why that are neither dysfunctional, ill-intended or rude. When striving for clarity, recognize that you don't have a sale until someone has signed an agreement. If there is no mutual agreement to a plan with time and place cited specifically, then there is no date. How you deal with this will become part of your dating style and may change over time. I don't much care; I also don't set time aside for someone without time/place. I have become happy living without clarity. I also have been single for years and without a steady dating partner for two. It's a drag; its also wonderful. Being with the wrong partner is 10x worse. Therefore, when someone fails to execute, fails to move forward with you - be glad they didn't let you date them because they've spared you the hassle of being with the wrong person and having to end it. Wow thanks guys. t. G Def dont feel like youre being rude, just helping me realize things. I appreciate it. Going to keep reading it to remind myself!! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I meant that this is not him actively blowing you off - and even if it is it's not in the intense way you described. It's someone you really don't know deciding not to respond to your invitation. And that's ok. Silence or "not sure" means no unless there's a clear reason for the "not sure" such as "I might have to help my mother that day but o will let you know for sure by x day". But ambivalence with no follow up sentence to confirm why and tell you when he will know - same as saying no. Treat it that way. And then move on. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I meant that this is not him actively blowing you off - and even if it is it's not in the intense way you described. It's someone you really don't know deciding not to respond to your invitation. And that's ok. Silence or "not sure" means no unless there's a clear reason for the "not sure" such as "I might have to help my mother that day but o will let you know for sure by x day". But ambivalence with no follow up sentence to confirm why and tell you when he will know - same as saying no. Treat it that way. And then move on. it doesnt always mean no. it can also mean I am disorganized, distracted, forgetful, etc. It doesn't matter. People need to be able to manage themselves and in the example you gave, the follow up could have been almost any sort of response - all easy to give and yet there was none. One key to life is to avoid taking responsibility for other people's jobs. As a result, you' ve nothing to do here. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 it doesnt always mean no. it can also mean I am disorganized, distracted, forgetful, etc. It doesn't matter. People need to be able to manage themselves and in the example you gave, the follow up could have been almost any sort of response - all easy to give and yet there was none. One key to life is to avoid taking responsibility for other people's jobs. As a result, you' ve nothing to do here. When it comes to dating and a woman asks a man out she should assume that if he says he's not sure (and I listed exceptions-meaning broad categories above- that he is not sufficiently interested in dating her whatever the reason - if he's not a planner but is interested in dating someone he will overcome that obstacle if he is interested enough in planning a date. If he is distractable same thing. He will choose her over those obstacles and either say yes or "not sure" only if there is a good reason why he is highly interested but cannot make a plan right then. Of course if the woman wants to settle for mediocre interest then she might be able to convene him to make a last minute plan but he has nothing better to do. In this thread the focus is not settling for scraps so I assume the OP doesn't want to go out with somebody who is just meh about going on a date with her. Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted June 23, 2017 Author Share Posted June 23, 2017 yeah, i pretty much am really upset @ myself. i feel disgusted with myself he is a total Fkboy. I knew it in my instinct and i ignored myself. i knew i was being rejected afterwards. i text him from a random number, he took the bait and replied within 10 mins. lol......i think theres a lesson to be learned after this. im happy to say that i keep my options open, i have a few guys who are very interested in talkign to me. and i have plans to hangout with some this weekend! and so that'll be that. but, still disappointing. i realize that knew what was going on, but instead of accepting it, i obessed and prayed for a diff outcome Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 yeah, i pretty much am really upset @ myself. i feel disgusted with myself he is a total Fkboy. I knew it in my instinct and i ignored myself. i knew i was being rejected afterwards. i text him from a random number, he took the bait and replied within 10 mins. lol......i think theres a lesson to be learned after this. im happy to say that i keep my options open, i have a few guys who are very interested in talkign to me. and i have plans to hangout with some this weekend! and so that'll be that. but, still disappointing. i realize that knew what was going on, but instead of accepting it, i obessed and prayed for a diff outcome Part of self awareness is discovering how smart you are already. Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted June 24, 2017 Author Share Posted June 24, 2017 YEP...agreed haha Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted June 25, 2017 Author Share Posted June 25, 2017 Went on a date with someone else last night lolllll. Guy was sweet, def more "dorky" than my normal I go for. Problem is he mentioned multiple times that hes not talking to any other girls now, just me. He def really likes me and seems surprised that i would be interested in him? he is respectful of my boundaries, he said he'd prefer i make the first move bc after i told him that i like things taken kinda slow vs a guy all over me. so at the end of the night i gave him "permission" to hug me lmao kinda weird. but he seems to be making himself avail for me. asked for a second date. ahd he'd be down to hangout anytime i wanted to. etc are any of these red flags? def not my typical guy i go fo, he is cute tho. i think he wants me to say im only talking to him..lol Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 25, 2017 Share Posted June 25, 2017 I think you should let him go - someone else might either not find him "dorky" or might find him dorky and find that charming and perfect for her. Sure, give it another date or two and see if you feel a spark. If you mean you find him insecure or overwhelming -sure that can be a turn off. My husband is I guess someone who could be labeled geeky or nerdy in certain respects. But, many years ago when we first dated, he also was very insecure/lacked in self-confidence and ultimately was not right for me. Almost 8 years later, when we got back together he had grown a lot in self-confidence and that was a major reason it worked the second time around. I'm still sure just based on his background and interests he would be labeled "nerdy" by people who like to label/categorize rather than get to know someone as an individual. I went through a rather long bad boy/unavailable boy phase and didn't see the value/feel the spark with men who were thoughtful, considerate and respectful. That's one reason I didn't marry until age 42. And that's fine except if you want the opportunity to have a child the old fashioned way - I was darn lucky to get to do that at age 42 but it certainly was far more emotionally stressful to be a "geriatric" pregnant woman than had I tried in my 20s/early 30s. Not sure if you want kids but something to think about. Don't think about settling, think about taking a long hard look at what you really want and value in a potential spouse and whether what you want and value matches up with what sparks you. If a man whose unavailable sparks you consider that that is not the type of spark that lasts because it's not based on the real person sparking you. Just something to think about. Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted June 26, 2017 Author Share Posted June 26, 2017 i already have 2 kids and def dont want anymore kids. i just thought he seemed a little clingy, lol thats all. he was def nice, but i dont mean it like i wouldnt give him a chance. Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted June 26, 2017 Author Share Posted June 26, 2017 I laugh at how hung up i was on the guy in the orig post. Bahhahaha!!! Hilariously pathetic. I went on another "date" today well, more like hung out for like 6 hours and had a blast. it was great! no pressure, etc kinda felt like friends. well, obv attractive friends but im not hung up on if either one of these people hangs out with me again. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 i already have 2 kids and def dont want anymore kids. i just thought he seemed a little clingy, lol thats all. he was def nice, but i dont mean it like i wouldnt give him a chance. Clingy is not nice, it is self-absorbed. He might stop that behavior if he feels more comfortable with you and that you are into him too. Good for you for giving him a chance. Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted June 26, 2017 Author Share Posted June 26, 2017 well, he made plans with me for this saturday but then today said he has to race all day and if i was free wednesday. i have my kids tho...and he didnt try to meet another day lol. so i doubt he will go anywhere, but he is a nice guy for the most part Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted June 27, 2017 Author Share Posted June 27, 2017 aw so a little update, he is actually super nice to talk to and very apprecitive and noticing my effort for my two kids as a single mom, it feels good for someone to see that. i think im going to give him a chance. maybe bc i felt the need to push him away, versus my normal type of guys....he could be a good guy. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 So if you don't have the desire to kiss him/don't enjoy kissing him after the 4th date or so I'd let him go even if he is a 'good guy" -you want someone who you feel sparked with -otherwise, get a "good guy" puppy which will appreciate you just as much. Also you get to take space if you feel he is being clingy or overwhelming -in a polite way -tell him you are busy that day/you need to stop texting/you need "me time" whatever so that you can get to know him at a reasonable pace over time. And if he respects that, good, and if he gets even clingier you'll have your answer. Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 yea, well he went from clingy to weird. lol kinda silent. he was super clingy that night but i dont think i showed enough interest to him. not havng any luck with guys right now. lol Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 yea, well he went from clingy to weird. lol kinda silent. he was super clingy that night but i dont think i showed enough interest to him. not havng any luck with guys right now. lol No - not 'guys" just this individual. What you'll find is if you have more confidence in yourself and in your choices you'll move on faster from the ones who are not right for you which in turn will lessen the chance that you start to get cynical or generalize. Link to comment
Imjustagirl222 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 haha yeah, youre right. he actually messaged me this morning though, again being sweet. not sure if we will hangout anytime soon but i do enjoy his friendship Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 haha yeah, youre right. he actually messaged me this morning though, again being sweet. not sure if we will hangout anytime soon but i do enjoy his friendship Is he now looking for just friendship with you? Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 Think about who he is as distinct from how he dates. Traits that last - respect, leadership, intellectul curiosity, honesty. You made him aware of some boundaries you have. Its difficult to know what you want, so he isn't sure how to lead. Do not please him by saying anything that isnt true. Wait two weeks in between dates even, so you have room to absorb the experience and to meet others. Play your game at your pace. Give up the dork / not dork idea. Is he learning, doing, goal achieving? Is life an adventure? Is he responsible? Has he had friends for years? A second date will help you. Link to comment
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