Just found out my ex is single again.

[LordRorek]

I just found out through a friend that my ex is single again now IDK anymore about the situation then that like whether she was the dumper or dumpee and whatnot.

 

IDK How I should feel about this?

 

I mean I want to be indifferent to the situation because that's the ultimate goal of recovery but I feel a mixture of happiness, anger, sadness, and confusion.

 

I feel happy because her boyfriend isn't suffering the same fate I did and because if she had her heartbroken then I feel a little like the scales have been balanced or justice has been served.

 

If that makes any sense?

 

I also kinda hope she will come crawling back so I can end things on my terms this time.

 

Again if that makes any sense?

 

I feel angry at the possibility that she just broke his heart and is again off running scot free or that she is still happy even afterwards.

 

I'm sad because I'm still not over her yet and my lack of indifference proves that. While I'm in a better place now then where I was I still got a ways to go.

 

UGH! I hate being so messed up! I just wish there was a magic breakup pill that would get you completely over them and make you never give a crap about them again! 😒

 

I feel confused because I am feeling all these things at once. 😂

[Hollyj]

How ddi you find out?

 

This is a woman who did not even give you the courtesy of a simple explanation for the demise of the relationship, and here your are wasting more energy obsessing over how you can get revenge. UGH!

 

You really would go about ending things on your terms? I think it would be far more productive to stop focusing on this woman, and seek some therapy.

 

This is not healthy.

[shessofly]

I would try not to overanalyze it. This information is not really helpful to you is it? No contact will help you reach indifference.

[Annia]

Who cares if she's single again? Not your problem anymore. And why would you want a woman like her to come into your life again even if for the motives you said? Detox, detox, detox. I get what you're feeling but you really need to stop and you shouldn't even be knowing about her relationships.

[Careerchoice]

I just wish there was a magic breakup pill that would get you completely over them and make you never give a crap about them again! 😒

 

It's not a pill, but there is a prescription. You stay in No Contact, which includes insulating yourself from the details of her life, and find someone else. If you do these two things, you will eventually get over her.

[Hollyj]

It's not a pill, but there is a prescription. You stay in No Contact, which includes insulating yourself from the details of her life, and find someone else. If you do these two things, you will eventually get over her.

 

Please do not look into another relationship, until you are over this one. It does not sound like you are anywhere near ready to date - very selfish to get into a relationship, when you harbor feelings for your ex.

 

The healthy way to get over it, is to accept the demise, stay NC and try to move on.

[Careerchoice]

Please do not look into another relationship, until you are over this one. It does not sound like you are anywhere near ready to date - very selfish to get into a relationship, when you harbor feelings for your ex.

 

The healthy way to get over it, is to accept the demise, stay NC and try to move on.

 

From personal experience, I have to disagree with you dear. I was once dumped on a Monday and set up on a blind date the following Friday. I was not over my ex. I went on the date and it turned into a year long relationship. It was not a rebound.

 

And let me clarify: Of course don't specifically look to get into another relationship immediately, but that's advice I would give any guy at any time, regardless of his emotional state. You should be casually dating though with your concentration on having fun and seeing what else is out there.

 

Rebound relationships do happen. So what? It's a risk we are all aware of when we get involved with someone else. And if they do happen, we heal and move on. Humans are not that fragile.

 

Staying out of the dating scene until you are 100% fully healed assumes there will be a tomorrow, which is not promised. Plus you give yourself no one else to concentrate on but your ex. I can't think of a way to make it more painful and difficult to move on.

[mustlovedogs]

From personal experience, I have to disagree with you dear. I was once dumped on a Monday and set up on a blind date the following Friday. I was not over my ex. I went on the date and it turned into a year long relationship. It was not a rebound.

 

And let me clarify: Of course don't specifically look to get into another relationship immediately, but that's advice I would give any guy at any time, regardless of his emotional state. You should be casually dating though with your concentration on having fun and seeing what else is out there.

 

Rebound relationships do happen. So what? It's a risk we are all aware of when we get involved with someone else. And if they do happen, we heal and move on. Humans are not that fragile.

 

Staying out of the dating scene until you are 100% fully healed assumes there will be a tomorrow, which is not promised. Plus you give yourself no one else to concentrate on but your ex. I can't think of a way to make it more painful and difficult to move on.

 

Why did it end after a year?

[Careerchoice]

She dumped me. She was not over her ex when we started and I never set an ultimatum for her to get over her ex or I would walk. I let that issue fester and it prevented her from fully committing to me. I take the responsibility for that break up. I didn't know better. Too bad. She was a nice girl. Pretty.

 

As that relationship relates to this thread, the new girl was not a rebound for me. When I got together with her, I completely let my ex go. It felt great.

[RainyCoast]

She was not over her ex when we started

exactly. do you get the concept of rebounding?

 

anyways, "humans are not that fragile" is not a helpful generalization to make. I think our Lord Rorek here has had a very challenging period, and has worked hard at putting it behind him. i'd hate to see him drop his efforts half-way, and exchange them for temporary self-soothing with someone while stuck on the breakup. i have confidence in this kid. he can do this like he means it. and that is the opposite of underestimating his strength.

 

LR, remember how you felt you weren't given an opportunity to take part in what was happening to you. and the infuriating lack of control over the fact someone can just singlehandedly affect your life and family like that. now that this girl is faced with the realization she can run from a relationship she turned into a trainwreck, but she cannot run from the problems she has with herself that make her act like that in the first place...do you still feel like the exaggeratedly powerless one? you have the choice to remain radio silent, and to continue to go about treating yourself and your loved ones like someone who is right for you would. that is power. she can choose to now be responsible herself. but more likely, she will continue to be driven by her inner and family problems.

 

i told you i thought this conceptualization of relationships as binaries of powerless/powerful were senseless and unrealistic. nobody is just one or the other. and the people who make arbitrary decisions, who fear to cooperate, are people who fear the influence of others will override them. you know she has a background with this problem. the person you thought was unfairly able to throw a disastrous blow with more power than anyone should wield over another, is weak.

 

when you are made to feel vulnerable, don't buy into the illusion. people who treat you like that are the people who dread being overpowered and over-influenced themselves, so they make sure to be on the opposite end, as if life was black and white, and one can be nothing but ruled by their deepest fear either into constant submission or constant compensation for it.

 

there you go lad. actual personal effort is a sustainable plan for creating a good life for oneself. selfish defensiveness comes crumbling down, every.single.time.

 

 

Plus you give yourself no one else to concentrate on but your ex. I can't think of a way to make it more painful and difficult to move on.

actually, there are numberless cathexes more fitting than a substitute person to transfer one's unfulfilled desires onto. not everyone needs a girl to be invested in, to draw back the investment form the ex, and for most people, it's not helpful to transfer such problems on a person at all, unless they are trained to work with that transference.

[Careerchoice]

exactly. do you get the concept of rebounding?

 

Yes I do, and my argument is that I did not make her a rebound even though I got into a relationship essentially immediately after a previous one ended. I did not make her my rebound. Whether or not she made me her rebound is a tangent issue.

[Capricorn3]

Who cares if she's single again? Not your problem anymore.

 

I totally agree! I just don't understand WHY you have to keep on harping about this girl. In another thread you said how much you hate her and wish all sorts of bad things happen to her etc. Well, she's an EX. You are no longer together. She is not..your..problem..anymore. Time to learn to accept what's done is done. It's in the past. Done with. Time to let it all go and just move on already. There really is no point in wasting so much time and energy on someone you hate so much and are not even with anymore. Seriously, all it does is hold you back from living your life. Move on.

[Hollyj]

From personal experience, I have to disagree with you dear. I was once dumped on a Monday and set up on a blind date the following Friday. I was not over my ex. I went on the date and it turned into a year long relationship. It was not a rebound.

 

And let me clarify: Of course don't specifically look to get into another relationship immediately, but that's advice I would give any guy at any time, regardless of his emotional state. You should be casually dating though with your concentration on having fun and seeing what else is out there.

 

Rebound relationships do happen. So what? It's a risk we are all aware of when we get involved with someone else. And if they do happen, we heal and move on. Humans are not that fragile.

 

Staying out of the dating scene until you are 100% fully healed assumes there will be a tomorrow, which is not promised. Plus you give yourself no one else to concentrate on but your ex. I can't think of a way to make it more painful and difficult to move on.

 

Sorry, I don't use people for the purpose of my ego.

[Careerchoice]

Sorry, I don't use people for the purpose of my ego.

 

Engaging with people is not using them. It's a normal part of the human experience. Abstaining from interacting with the opposite sex is unnecessarily risk averse and prolongs suffering.

 

I didn't go on that date in my example to feed my ego. I didn't even want to go on the date.

[Hollyj]

Engaging with people is not using them. It's a normal part of the human experience. Abstaining from interacting with the opposite sex is unnecessarily risk averse and prolongs suffering.

 

I didn't go on that date in my example to feed my ego. I didn't even want to go on the date.

 

I am speaking of people who get into relationships to forget their ex, and boost the ego. This is selfish and hurtful.

[RainyCoast]

i will regret asking.

 

what does "abstaining from the opposite sex is unnecessarily risk averse" mean?

 

and what studies, or field of study supports that claim and where?

[Hollyj]

i will regret asking.

 

what does "abstaining from the opposite sex is unnecessarily risk averse" mean?

 

and what studies, or field of study supports that claim and where?

 

I didn't get that either.

 

I needed time to process my break and knew that I would not involve others in my healing. I do not need others to lift me up, as this comes from within. I would not want to date, until I was in a good place.

[Hollyj]

i will regret asking.

 

what does "abstaining from the opposite sex is unnecessarily risk averse" mean?

 

and what studies, or field of study supports that claim and where?

 

Rainy, How is your leg?

[RainyCoast]

Rainy, How is your leg?

 

got you guys an update on the thread luv. it's a C. i'm okay with it for the time being.

[LaHermes]

Andrew.

 

Will you STOP this obsessing about your ex!!

 

"I also kinda hope she will come crawling back so I can end things on my terms this time. "

 

Do you realise how utterly childish that remark is?

 

What she does, doesn't do, and even "running scot free" as you put it, is none of your business any more.

 

You would do well to tell your friends and acquaintances that you do not wish to receive news about her, ever.

[LonelyJedi]

I feel happy because her boyfriend isn't suffering the same fate I did and because if she had her heartbroken then I feel a little like the scales have been balanced or justice has been served.

 

I also kinda hope she will come crawling back so I can end things on my terms this time.

I feel angry at the possibility that she just broke his heart and is again off running scot free or that she is still happy even afterwards.

 

Believe me when I say I know how you feel on this....

You want her to suffer the same way you have suffered. You want her to feel the pain she had inflicted on you, regret her decision, etc.

 

But I can tell you this - she is suffering. How?

She isn't with you.

[Annia]

I am speaking of people who get into relationships to forget their ex, and boost the ego. This is selfish and hurtful.

 

I totally agree with this, but I don't think that was what Careerchoice was defending.

 

I think it's possible to date and get into relationships "accidently" when the person is still healing if they find someone that they really like and want to pursue a relationship with (with honesty and integrity) , however looking for it and entering said relationships just to heal from the previous relationship and therefor using others as rebounds is selfish and inconsiderate for the other person.

 

I was once used as a rebound and it sucked. The guy swore to me he was over his ex and that he was the dumper because he didn't love her anymore, he was all over me and I was naive enough not to see the redflags (too much too soon from him). He ended up breaking up with me by text right after we had made things "official" to get back to his ex as soon as she contacted him again. No one likes being no one's emotional band aid. I was never one to rebound with others (entering committed relationships to forget exes), but I've done things like serial dating and trying to distract myself and use others as emotional bandaids when I was disappointed from the previous guy... and I regret it because not only it didn't solve my issues but it was also unfair for the other guy, even if his intentions with me weren't serious either.

 

I believe that sometimes we really need to endure our pain alone. We should try to avoid (unnecessary) suffering but there are pains that we are supposed to endure to show us where is the wound and for us to deeply fix it. Doing this instead of going for quick fixes that won't last and sweeping problems under the rug might be very uncomfortable, but in the long run the advantages are huge and we can truly love and be loved to the fullest of our potential.

[LordRorek]

exactly. do you get the concept of rebounding?

 

anyways, "humans are not that fragile" is not a helpful generalization to make. I think our Lord Rorek here has had a very challenging period, and has worked hard at putting it behind him. i'd hate to see him drop his efforts half-way, and exchange them for temporary self-soothing with someone while stuck on the breakup. i have confidence in this kid. he can do this like he means it. and that is the opposite of underestimating his strength.

 

LR, remember how you felt you weren't given an opportunity to take part in what was happening to you. and the infuriating lack of control over the fact someone can just singlehandedly affect your life and family like that. now that this girl is faced with the realization she can run from a relationship she turned into a trainwreck, but she cannot run from the problems she has with herself that make her act like that in the first place...do you still feel like the exaggeratedly powerless one? you have the choice to remain radio silent, and to continue to go about treating yourself and your loved ones like someone who is right for you would. that is power. she can choose to now be responsible herself. but more likely, she will continue to be driven by her inner and family problems.

 

i told you i thought this conceptualization of relationships as binaries of powerless/powerful were senseless and unrealistic. nobody is just one or the other. and the people who make arbitrary decisions, who fear to cooperate, are people who fear the influence of others will override them. you know she has a background with this problem. the person you thought was unfairly able to throw a disastrous blow with more power than anyone should wield over another, is weak.

 

when you are made to feel vulnerable, don't buy into the illusion. people who treat you like that are the people who dread being overpowered and over-influenced themselves, so they make sure to be on the opposite end, as if life was black and white, and one can be nothing but ruled by their deepest fear either into constant submission or constant compensation for it.

 

there you go lad. actual personal effort is a sustainable plan for creating a good life for oneself. selfish defensiveness comes crumbling down, every.single.time.

 

 

actually, there are numberless cathexes more fitting than a substitute person to transfer one's unfulfilled desires onto. not everyone needs a girl to be invested in, to draw back the investment form the ex, and for most people, it's not helpful to transfer such problems on a person at all, unless they are trained to work with that transference.

Thanks RainyCoast.

 

Your comments are always very insightful and very much appreciated.

 

I have been working hard to get over it and not break NC.

 

I was just hit with this news and felt a great deal of complex emotions simultaneously.

 

Now that I have reoriented myself I feel more at peace again and now know what my plan is should she try to reconcile with me.

 

I will be the bigger man and politely tell her "I'm sorry you are in pain but reconciliation is impossible at this point. I wish you the best. Goodbye."

 

Either way I know that she is irrelevant to my life and I shall continue to work on the betterment of my life, my family, and myself.

[Hollyj]

Why haven't you blocked her?

[LordRorek]

Why haven't you blocked her?

I have like I said I learned about this through a friend.