Just found out my ex is single again.

[LordRorek]

I totally agree! I just don't understand WHY you have to keep on harping about this girl. In another thread you said how much you hate her and wish all sorts of bad things happen to her etc. Well, she's an EX. You are no longer together. She is not..your..problem..anymore. Time to learn to accept what's done is done. It's in the past. Done with. Time to let it all go and just move on already. There really is no point in wasting so much time and energy on someone you hate so much and are not even with anymore. Seriously, all it does is hold you back from living your life. Move on.

I am working hard on moving on.

 

But we all have our good days and bad days.

 

I had a really bad day when I posted how I hate my EX.

 

I use this forum to express my emotions. Almost like I am lancing the wounds she has inflicted on me and draining out the infection.

 

If that makes any sense?

 

Because I have tried to surpress my feelings toward her and it only served to make them stronger.

 

So I express them in this safe and welcoming place and every time I do the feelings diminish.

 

ENA is therapy, a journal, and a support group all rolled into one to me.

[LordRorek]

How ddi you find out?

 

This is a woman who did not even give you the courtesy of a simple explanation for the demise of the relationship, and here your are wasting more energy obsessing over how you can get revenge. UGH!

 

You really would go about ending things on your terms? I think it would be far more productive to stop focusing on this woman, and seek some therapy.

 

This is not healthy.

Oh I know its unhealthy.

 

I was just hit with the news unexpectedly and felt a wave of complex and confusing emotions.

 

But I have reoriented myself and am back on track.

 

From now on I will tell my friend to not mention any news about my ex anymore.

[LordRorek]

Andrew.

 

Will you STOP this obsessing about your ex!!

 

"I also kinda hope she will come crawling back so I can end things on my terms this time. "

 

Do you realise how utterly childish that remark is?

 

What she does, doesn't do, and even "running scot free" as you put it, is none of your business any more.

 

You would do well to tell your friends and acquaintances that you do not wish to receive news about her, ever.

Oh god yes I know that feeling was very childish and very unhealthy.

 

But I was feeling it and so I decided to express that feeling here rather than obsessing over it.

 

I was merely hit with this new unexpectedly but have found my bearings again and am back on track.

 

I will also be asking my friend to please not mention any news concerning my EX again.

[LaHermes]

I know. We're so great!!

ENA is therapy, a journal, and a support group all rolled into one to me.

 

We even provide ice-cold showers too from time to time. LOL

[Hollyj]

Lord, have you considered therapy?

[LordRorek]

Lord, have you considered therapy?

Sometimes but I feel like I am doing alright.

 

I know I have had some setbacks and issues but I feel like I am in control of things and am overcoming my issues.

 

This place has helped a lot!

 

Before I found ENA I was seriously considering therapy but all the support and advice from you guys has helped me a great deal.

 

I just wish I had found this place and learned the rules sooner.

 

I would probably be further along in my Healing right now if I had.

[hrb23]

Thanks RainyCoast.

 

Your comments are always very insightful and very much appreciated.

 

I have been working hard to get over it and not break NC.

 

I was just hit with this news and felt a great deal of complex emotions simultaneously.

 

Now that I have reoriented myself I feel more at peace again and now know what my plan is should she try to reconcile with me.

 

I will be the bigger man and politely tell her "I'm sorry you are in pain but reconciliation is impossible at this point. I wish you the best. Goodbye."

 

Either way I know that she is irrelevant to my life and I shall continue to work on the betterment of my life, my family, and myself.

 

Why haven't you blocked her?

 

I have like I said I learned about this through a friend.

 

Sorry, I might have missed something somewhere along the line.

 

If you have truly blocked her how is she going to be trying to reconcile with you. The fact you are even thinking about this possibility is unhealthy and proves you have not completely cut her out of your life.

 

It doesn't matter if she is coming back because you're right, it's impossible. So stop planning for the possibility that she might try.

 

Forget her, get on with YOUR life.

[LordRorek]

Sorry, I might have missed something somewhere along the line.

 

If you have truly blocked her how is she going to be trying to reconcile with you. The fact you are even thinking about this possibility is unhealthy and proves you have not completely cut her out of your life.

 

It doesn't matter if she is coming back because you're right, it's impossible. So stop planning for the possibility that she might try.

 

Forget her, get on with YOUR life.

 

I have blocked her on all social media, gotten a new phone number, and just told my friend not to tell me anymore about her.

 

The only things I haven't done is changed my email because I need that email for work and changed my home address because I live with my parents.

 

But I think if someone is determined enough they will find a way to get ahold of you.

 

So I feel it's best to plan for that possibility so if and when it does happen you don't look like an idiot or an A-hole.

 

I have been trying my best to move on and forget her!

 

But she was my first love and this is the first serious heartbreak I have ever had!

 

I have been thrown away like garbage by multiple people in my life, she knew full well what I have been through, and did the same damn thing!

 

It was traumatic and devastating!

 

I have had to rebuild myself from total emotional devastation over the last year so forgive me a moment of weakness in a place I felt safe!

[Careerchoice]

You don't have anything to apologize about friend. Please continue with your healing.

[LonelyJedi]

Before I found ENA I was seriously considering therapy but all the support and advice from you guys has helped me a great deal.

 

I just wish I had found this place and learned the rules sooner.

 

I would probably be further along in my Healing right now if I had.

 

My opinion - I would still go to therapy.

I have been going to therapy literally the week after my ex-fiance left and posted on this forum simultaneously. It has helped me along.

 

This break-up has been as traumatizing to you as mine was to me. I would highly recommend going to a couple sessions to see how it is. If it doesn't help you, well at least you tried.

 

Due to the horrible nature of our break-ups, I would take advantage of every avenue available to help you heal. Like I have.

[LordRorek]

My opinion - I would still go to therapy.

I have been going to therapy literally the week after my ex-fiance left and posted on this forum simultaneously. It has helped me along.

 

This break-up has been as traumatizing to you as mine was to me. I would highly recommend going to a couple sessions to see how it is. If it doesn't help you, well at least you tried.

 

Due to the horrible nature of our break-ups, I would take advantage of every avenue available to help you heal. Like I have.

Hmmm, good point.

 

Maybe I should it a try.

[Careerchoice]

Sorry, I don't use people for the purpose of my ego.

 

I never recommended to do that.

[Careerchoice]

I am speaking of people who get into relationships to forget their ex, and boost the ego. This is selfish and hurtful.

 

I never said anything about getting into another relationship. I recommend talking to girls and casual dating. But your advice isn't correct anyway as a blanket rule. Some people are ready shortly after a break up.

[Careerchoice]

i will regret asking.

 

what does "abstaining from the opposite sex is unnecessarily risk averse" mean?

 

Avoiding the opposite sex entirely after a break up is being way too careful.

[Careerchoice]

I didn't get that either.

 

I needed time to process my break and knew that I would not involve others in my healing. I do not need others to lift me up, as this comes from within. I would not want to date, until I was in a good place.

 

You're free to make your own decisions, but you give this advice out to everyone after a break up and it's simply not always correct. I was ready to date immediately after my most recent break up.

[Careerchoice]

however looking for it and entering said relationships just to heal from the previous relationship and therefor using others as rebounds is selfish and inconsiderate for the other person.

 

I never advocated that. My argument is that some people are ready to date again, and may even be ready for a relationship shortly after a break up and the advice commonly given on this forum to avoid dating until you are fully healed doesn't apply to everyone and is often harmful when interacting with the opposite sex could help healing. This fear of rebound relationships is way overblown.

[mustlovedogs]

@careerchoice, you give everyone the advice to go date.

 

Posters need to see both sides, because in my case, advice like yours was bad.

 

I was so clearly not ready to date but it was my first heartbreak so I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Many of my friends encouraged me to date. I found that my self esteem was far too strongly tied to both my success in getting dates and success on the dates. I compared all the dates to my ex. I cried every time when I got home because it made me miss my ex more (and made me more scared of being single).

 

I tried dating - tried to suck it up - for about 3 months. Until I decided I wasn't ready and stopped.

 

I wasn't ready until 8 months after my breakup.

 

So please, be careful with your advice. Because the very same advice hurt me. You argue with everyone but both are valid - but instead of just spewing your advice, temper it. Help posters understand if they are ready.

[RainyCoast]

LR, if you want more therapeutic stuff, i highly recommend free "therapy homeworks" and "workbooks" that you can find online. there's everything from 12-steps programs (they are not just for addiction), cbt, dbt, r.e.b.t., choice theory, schema therapy, inner family systems, and if you do the assignments it's very potent. even self-help books with pages to fill out as assignments work. i wouldn't underestimate even a dr phil book. there's journal-type workbooks and software for self-help too.

 

i was very impressed a few times on here, when people with tremendous insight and an active approach to their healing said they resorted to self-help when they couldn't afford professional help, because from their posts, one would assume a trained professional has done some major guidance with them. they were just very curios and dedicated to healing.

 

it's a lot safer and easier with a therapist of course, and quicker.

 

many therapists offer the first session for free. it gives you the chance to get a feel of it (sometimes you will feel like you have a new head on your shoulders from a single session), and if you go to several, it allows for "informed shopping", so you can find the best fit before you commit.