aroud Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 I recently broke up with my wife. It's been over a month now, and we live separately. During that time I have been trying to rebuild myself mentally and with regard to my job, plus adapting to living by myself for the first time in many years. As part of this next phase of my life I would prefer to have ownership of facebook again. Whilst my ex is not on FB at all, some of her friends and family are, and I'm still FB friends with them. Consequently they can see what I post, and if my ex wanted to check up on me, she could. I am friends with her best friend, who I am certain would tell her in passing of anything significant they saw on my FB account. I don't feel okay with that. I feel like I want my life back in my control, and do not want any of her friends or family connected to me on FB. If I ask my ex I am quite sure she will ask me not to do anything, because she has a propensity to lie to close friends and family about the truth of situations, playing them down. I suspect she will not want me to unfriend anyone because then they will know what's going on, and she will not feel comfortable with that. So in a sense, I feel like my digital identity is part controlled by my ex. I do have compassion for what I feel her position will be, but at the same time I am struggling with the issue. I do not have many friends (we moved country, so I am quite isolated) and as absurd as it might seem to those who are not fans of FB, having control over it is important to me. The way I see it I can either ask her and risk her saying no until a time when she will be comfortable with it, or decide myself. Link to comment
rosephase Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 She's your ex. You don't have to ask her. She doesn't get a say in your life or choices. Delete whoever you want and don't worry about what she will think or feel about it. Link to comment
Jeetsun Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Your digital identity nor your actual identity is controlled by anyone other than yourself and certainly not your ex. Cut the cord, and delete anyone associated with her and move on with your life. Link to comment
glitterfingers Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 It's very final to do that, so just be sure that you guys won't at any point consider reconciliation or try to be together again. Once you cut ties with her friends and family, don't expect them to either like you or accept you back into her life again. Are you 100% sure that your marriage won't be reconciled at any point? I agree that it's your decision, and if this makes you feel more comfortable and in control then you should do it. However, it will make things much more real (at least for your wife) and it is a decision you cannot reverse. Personally, rather than deleting my exes friends/family off Facebook, I made an announcement that we'd separated and his friends and family mostly gradually deleted me which I was fine with. I still have his mum and sister on my friend list though, his sister in particular didn't want to cut ties. I also just chose not to post as much on Facebook or spend as much time on there, rather than severing all social connections. Just telling you this as another way of potentially dealing with the situation - it's neither right nor wrong (and many people wouldn't want to publicly disclose a separation as it looks a bit awkward)... It's just a personal choice. Link to comment
Creacion Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 It's no big deal to unfriend anyone as no one notices that they've been unfriended. So, get on with your life! Live with no self regrets. You have a right not to explain yourself to anyone; especially on FB! Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 You can block certain people from seeing what you post without them knowing. Although if you are truly done, and no there's no hope of reconciliation, just unfriend and move on. Link to comment
faraday Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 When my daughters father and I split, I deleted his friends and family on fb...I felt the same way you did. Like it was awkward and I didn't want things coming back to my ex to hurt him...I deleted them only to end up having a bunch of them re-add me with messages asking, "why did you delete me?" I explained the break up and said I didn't want to make it awkward for them...and every one of them said they liked me and wished me well, and wanted to stay friends. Not from a tell my ex everything perspective...but because they genuinely wanted to remain in contact. It's been 9 years, and while some of those people have unfriended me, I've also become closer friends with a few of them. ...and all of them (including my ex and his family) have been genuinely happy for me when I married my husband, bought a house with him etc, and they've loved seeing posts of our daughter (my ex and mine) growing up. People understand that break ups happen...that you can't always stay together forever. Just a different perspective. If they're the type of people that like drama...yes, delete them and save yourself the hassle. If they're good people and you consider them mutual friends...I'd see what happens. Link to comment
sosavvy Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Why don't you just create a whole new FB and add who you want? Leave your old profile in the past with your wife. That way you're not deleting anyone. If that doesn't appeal to you then I agree with everyone else, do what u want with your existing FB, she has no say anymore. Link to comment
WombatShadow Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Wait, so you and your wife have been separated for over a month with no plans to reconcile things, and you think she hasn't told her close friends and family members? Who did the breaking up here? If it was you, just go ahead and delete them because the truth has to come out sometime. If it was her, why the heck is she keeping it a secret? Either way, it's your Facebook page. You need to take back ownership like you said. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Why don't you just create a whole new FB and add who you want? Leave your old profile in the past with your wife. That way you're not deleting anyone. If that doesn't appeal to you then I agree with everyone else, do what u want with your existing FB, she has no say anymore. That's what I would do. Create a new private one and if she stalks, she'll just find a dead page. Or just go ahead and do what you want and delete people. Link to comment
Careerchoice Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 I deleted all of her friends and blocked her and her family members when it was obvious my break up was happening for real. If you don't want her spying on you, you can set your profile to private. You don't need her permission to take these necessary steps. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Why don't you just create a whole new FB and add who you want? Leave your old profile in the past with your wife. That way you're not deleting anyone. If that doesn't appeal to you then I agree with everyone else, do what u want with your existing FB, she has no say anymore. Excellent idea! OP, there you go! Link to comment
aroud Posted June 11, 2017 Author Share Posted June 11, 2017 Thanks everyone. In the end I took the plunge and did a load of unfriending. Time to move on... Link to comment
aroud Posted June 13, 2017 Author Share Posted June 13, 2017 24 hours later and the first complaint from my ex saying it was not fair on her family because they have done nothing wrong and I am making it very hard for her to stay friends with me. Nice guilt trip for me then. They all have my email a d mobile number so if they really wanted to reach out they could. Of course I'm having a real great time in happy land right now. Link to comment
aroud Posted June 13, 2017 Author Share Posted June 13, 2017 Actually I feel I did the right thing because if I was seen heaven forbid making new friends and smiling you can bet your bottom dollar her friends and family would report back to her. They noticed I had unfriended them, even though Facebook does not notify you. Go figure. Link to comment
Careerchoice Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 Do your best to cut contact with your ex. It's the next step you have to take so that you can get your head on straight. You don't have to view it as a permanent step if you don't want to, but it has to be for a long enough period of time for you to heal properly. Obviously, it is best for you to cut contact permanently. Talk to some other girls if possible. It will accelerate your healing. My goal for you is to make this painful period of your life as short and painless as possible. Link to comment
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