Verbally and emotionally abusive bf

[Hrenee32]

So little bit of background info, he's 30 and I'm 34. I have a 10 year old son and he has 4 children, 9, 6, 4 and 7 months. We have been together for 9 months and when we started dating I knew he had a baby on the way. We live together now and have my son and his youngest full time. The baby's mother is not very involved so I've been mom to the little one loving him as my own. His other kids have regular visitation and I adore all of them.He is a disabled veteran so he doesn't work and I work as an extremely busy hair stylist.

 

Basically if I do or say something that he doesn't like he immediately tears into me, calling me horrid names and saying terrible things about my personality and who I am. I recorded him last night and it was literally an hour of him berating and making fun of me while I pathetically cried, which he happily pointed out as being pathetic and disgusting.

 

I know I'm not perfect but don't think I'm anywhere near as bad as he claims. He confuses me and scrambles my brain into thinking that maybe he's right though and it is all my fault, whatever "it" may be at the time. This morning I sneezed and he yelled at me for intentionally trying to wake him up??

 

I take care of the baby every night after work, he sleeps with me so if he gets up I do too. Yet my bf says I don't help enough. He claims I'm not as involved as I should be because of my work but I don't have a choice but to work. He says I'm too sensitive and that I'm delusional about the real world. He trashes my place, yes it's my place, doesn't clean up after himself and gets angry if I say anything. He allows his children to literally throw trash on the floor and doesn't care. If I complain then I'm accused of being negative and unhappy in general.

 

Yesterday he told me he's not happy with me and that he's moving out. I guess I should feel relieved but I just feel intense pain. I begged him telling him I will do whatever he needs, that I would go to counseling and just anything he wanted but he told me that I can't change and I'll make anyone I'm with miserable. I'm so heartbroken, not just over him but the fact that I have raised his baby from day 1 as my own.

 

I also found out I was pregnant two weeks ago. He doesn't agree but I've made the decision to terminate the pregnancy. It's like in the back of mind I know this is not something I want to bring another child into. I'm sure of my decision so please don't judge that. I just feel it's something to be mentioned because obviously I'm more emotional and tired than usual and honestly just don't feel well most of the time. He says it's not an excuse to be tired after work or to cry over everything.

 

I wish I could convey the depth of hurtful things he says to me, it's honestly anything you can think of. He has no limits on name calling and tearing down. I just need help getting through this I guess. Right now im in a place where I want to be with him and I don't want to lose the kids, I'm so scared of the pain that will come with this. I know I'm not crazy but I do question whether it's my fault often. I'm sure him leaving is for the best but I just don't know how to deal.

[Keyman]

Let him go and wave him goodbye as he walks through the door. He may be a disabled ex-vet, but he is steadily cutting you down to make himself feel better. He is the one with the issues, and so you should be relieved that he is moving on. I know the hardest part is to let the little one go - his little one you have helped raise, but it needs to be done for you to survive.

 

As for the abortion, that is your choice and in your situation, I agree it is the wisest thing.

 

As for going forward, things will start to grow easier and after a while you will look back and be glad that he has gone. For now, you just need to know this is the best thing and to keep struggling forward.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[Ziggy123]

I know it's hard now but you will be so mich happier without him 💙 hugs

[PaintWithLight]

Let's start with the obvious, he is a complete jerk but why the rush to move in together after only knowing each other for 9-months? And surely, he must have shown hints of this kind of behavior during that period.

 

Take this as a wake-up call with your life. Your son does not need to be exposed to an adult role-model who verbal attacks his mother. Also, set your sights a little bit higher? A disabled guy with no job with 4 children? That alone is several red flags rolled into one. You were aware that he was expecting a baby with another woman when you started dating and didn't think of the possible complications?

 

A bully like this will only continue to take advantage of you. Your kindness and sacrifice are only seen as weakness. The fact that he would berate you and mock you indicates that he has zero fear of you leaving him. This is not the helpful partnership that you need. If you cannot leave immediately and continue to stay with him, please practice birth control. This guy has shown he can make babies but has little aptitude for being a father.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm sorry you found yourself in that situation, but now that you're free of it please don't ever go back. Pack this guy's bags, kick him out, call CPS if he's not taking care of the kids, but do not let him stay. The only thing you did wrong was trust someone was a good person who is not. A great book on what you're dealing with, with someone who is abusive is Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Abusive Men." I think it will answer a lot of questions.

 

And to that end this video of an interview with Mr. Bancroft might help you a lot and give you some immediate answers and advice in your situation. I hope this helps. [video=youtube;OImgs_538Zw] ]

[Jibralta]

Hrenee, I think you are making the right decision.

[nutbrownhare]

Hrenee - I know it's difficult to let go right now, but there will come a time when you look back on this whole episode and it will feel like a nightmare from a long, long time ago. Hopefully this bullying, pathetic excuse for a man will stick to his word and move out - and if not, then kick him out.

 

I think you're right to go ahead with the termination under the circumstances, too. Just make sure that you have plenty of emotional support while you go through with all this.

 

(((HUGS)))

[boltnrun]

Counseling would be a great idea to help you understand why you believe you love a man who treats you so horribly.

[Hrenee32]

Well he went and put a deposit on a place early this morning while I was asleep. I told him yesterday that if he moved out there would be no getting back together. Apparently he called me before he paid the deposit to "talk about it" but I didn't answer (again I was asleep) so he made the decision to pay.

 

I feel so empty but sick to my stomach at the same time. The reality of every single person I'm losing in this situation is hitting me and I feel really alone. I've raised the baby from day one, as my own. I've seen and been a part of every milestone. How will this affect him? I feel serious grief.

[Hrenee32]

I appreciate all the responses. I know that not being with him is for the best. It's hard when you love someone you shouldn't .

[PaintWithLight]

Well he went and put a deposit on a place early this morning while I was asleep. I told him yesterday that if he moved out there would be no getting back together. Apparently he called me before he paid the deposit to "talk about it" but I didn't answer (again I was asleep) so he made the decision to pay.

 

I feel so empty but sick to my stomach at the same time. The reality of every single person I'm losing in this situation is hitting me and I feel really alone. I've raised the baby from day one, as my own. I've seen and been a part of every milestone. How will this affect him? I feel serious grief.

 

I know you are feeling grief but please watch your internal dialog and be kind with yourself. Thinking that you are "losing" people" is harsh thinking which you should avoid. You shared sometime (9 months) in a terrible situation. Priority #1 is getting him out of your life and then taking stock of your next step.

 

As connected as you feel to his 7-month old child from another woman, you should focus on nurturing and protecting your 10-year old son. Your son has many milestones ahead in his life which you can share with him. With this man gone, you can keep your house clean, set proper standards and live without the verbal abuse. You and your son will not be able to flourish if you get back with this man. Minimize your thoughts of "losing" the baby and focus on your son and how this change is creating a safer and healthier home environment for him.

[Hrenee32]

Thank you so much for helping me put it into perspective. I forget sometimes that just cause he's older there is much he still needs me for. He's with his dad this week for summer break we do a week on and one off. Anyway it's easier I guess to get all in my head and just think about the hurt when he isn't around. Honestly it's the best thing though, he didn't need to be here while all of this is happening. Hopefully I'll be able to get it together enough by the time he comes home to be a good mom.

 

I know this is the best thing for my son and I and I know I'll be able to believe in that more with every day that passes. I'm definitely going to seek out counseling, I don't want to try and figure this out on my own. It's helped just getting it out online and getting feedback so I can imagine it will do me wonders to go to therapy.

 

I have my appointment tomorrow and I'm sure about the decision I've made. I think in this particular situation a clean break from the manipulation is a must.

 

I've decided today instead of moping I will be spring cleaning, a deep cleaned home will make me feel much calmer.

[Hrenee32]

Thank you for helping me to put it in perspective. I forget sometimes that even though he is older there is still much he needs me for. He's with his dad this week for summer vacation (we do a week on and week off). It's easy to get caught up in my hurt when he's not around but it'd better that he is not here while all of this is going on. Hopefully I'll be able to get it together enough by the time he comes home to be a good mom.

 

I know this is what is best for my son and I and I know I'll believe that more with each day that passes. I'm going to seek out counseling, just getting it out online and receiving the feedback has helped so much.