The damage ghosting does.

[LordRorek]

I admit - I have ghosted on a guy.

 

It was the easy way out of a very tough situation for me. I was close to have a major surgery (life altering), I was not fully healed from somewhat recent breakup, the guy wasn't putting in a lot of effort but expected me to become the perfect girlfriend with out the label, I wasn't really feeling it with him after the first month, and I was under a major amount of stress between 2 jobs. We had only been seeing each other for about 2 months, he didn't bring up being exclusive or dating and neither did I.

 

I won't make excuses or try say "he didn't deserve a reason," but I did what I had to do get through those tough months with my head still on straight. I didn't need him to try and get me to stay and contacting me on regular basis to 'catch up,' which I know he would have done, as he could be very persistent. It may have been unfair and unkind, but I decided to put myself and my own sanity first. Call me a coward, but I don't regret doing it. I regret possibly hurting him, but I had to make sure I didn't add another layer of stress.

 

To those who have been ghosted, from a ghoster, it wasn't you. It was in fact them. For whatever reason, they felt like they couldn't handle the act of telling you they didn't want to see you anymore. It is cowardly and unfair, most are likely sorry to do it, but you should not take it as a reflection on you.

I was kinda ghosted on after a 6 year relationship and I get doing something you later regret in a time of extreme stress.

 

I mean while it is not the best or most honorable course of action it is at least understandable under certain circumstances.

 

But what I don't get is after that stress has passed and the dust has settled why don't most ghosters atleast try to make amends?

 

I mean it has been over a year since my break up and my ex has never apologized to my family (whom she said and did terrible things to on the way out.) or even given me a specific reason other than she was "confused and needed to get her thoughts straight."

 

And when I tried to ask what she meant by that and what was the specific reason she broke up with me....She just stopped talking to me!

 

I mean why even open a dialog and then when I have some questions just drop the conversation with no explanation whatsoever?

 

I don't think it's the leaving so much as the cruel and torturous silence that hurt me the most.

 

I mean we we're engaged and had been together for 6 years!

 

I wasn't even worth a conversation and a little closure?

 

I personally would never date a ghoster unless they REALLY tried to make amends for thier actions.

 

P.S. If you want to hear my story I posted it here

[faraday]

Why didn't he break up with her for real, endure her fits and block her number and everything after breaking up with her? I think it's on him to go back with his word of breaking up and then ghosting her. I can get that she was psycho, but it's still possible to break up clearly and keep it without resorting to ghosting. Just my opinion though.

 

Because she kept begging him for chances, and threaten suicide...he loved her, it was hard to break up but he knew they weren't going to work out. He couldn't deal with a break up conversation that turned into three days of her refusing to leave his house (that happened once). He has limitations too. Not everyone is perfectly emotionally healthy...my brother is a former addict...the reason people abuse substances is generally an avoidance tactic. So he couldn't deal with her drama every break up...not without detriment to his mental health (and risk relapsing). He did the right thing for him.

 

It's not how someone healthy would deal with it. It's not how I would have handled it...but we all can only do what we can.

[LordRorek]

Because she kept begging him for chances, and threaten suicide...he loved her, it was hard to break up but he knew they weren't going to work out. He couldn't deal with a break up conversation that turned into three days of her refusing to leave his house (that happened once). He has limitations too. Not everyone is perfectly emotionally healthy...my brother is a former addict...the reason people abuse substances is generally an avoidance tactic. So he couldn't deal with her drama every break up...not without detriment to his mental health (and risk relapsing). He did the right thing for him.

 

It's not how someone healthy would deal with it. It's not how I would have handled it...but we all can only do what we can.

What I would have done is at least written her a letter and left it in her mailbox.

 

So that way I would have explained why I needed to end things and given the relationship the respect it deserved without having to go through her psychotic episodes.

 

But that's just me.

[faraday]

What I would have done is at least written her a letter and left it in her mailbox.

 

So that way I would have explained why I needed to end things and given the relationship the respect it deserved without having to go through her psychotic episodes.

 

But that's just me.

 

Oh, she knew. He had broken up with her at least 6-7 times...the last time was a month before he ghosted. She just wouldn't leave him alone when he'd break up with her...she thought it was a negotiation...she always promised she could change.

 

Ghosting was the only way to end the negotiation.

 

If he had left her a letter, it would have given her an opportunity to respond. By disappearing and not engaging with her, he's made it clear he's done.

[LordRorek]

Oh, she knew. He had broken up with her at least 6-7 times...the last time was a month before he ghosted. She just wouldn't leave him alone when he'd break up with her...she thought it was a negotiation...she always promised she could change.

 

Ghosting was the only way to end the negotiation.

 

If he had left her a letter, it would have given her an opportunity to respond. By disappearing and not engaging with her, he's made it clear he's done.

I get what you're saying but I think the letter could have said something like "I am breaking up with you and if you attempt to contact me I will be forced to file a restraining order against you."

 

I think that leaves very little room for negotiation or misinterpretation.

 

But hey I have never met her or know enough about the situation to say whether or not I would have ghosted.

 

I'm just saying that there are alternatives to ghosting when breaking up with crazy people. 😂

[Annia]

Breaking up + sticking to the break up + deleting and blocking if the person acts psycho is always better than simply ghosting, but I ain't judging. Some break ups are hard and people handle it differently.

[figureitout23]

If you find that it's happening a lot in later stages (like 2 and 9 years), it might be worth thinking about why they felt like breaking up with you wasn't an option. Do you debate with them (like you do on here) when they've talked about ending things? That might be seen as being emotional...and a lot of people don't want to deal with someone really emotional. It's hard to deal with someone else's emotions, especially if you've already checked out. Just a thought anyway.

 

 

I wish the issue was that 'surface' it would be an easy fix, alas it seems I seek out these emotionally unavailable men, so it's something within me that I need to fix, but it will take time.

 

But, I personally don't think being emotional is a legitimate reason to ghost someone. I can see not knowing the person very well/long or if you're in some sort of danger. But because the other persons emotional? I don't know I don't think that's a good reason.

 

I kinda think when a person ghosts without guilt, that person rationalizes the reason why they are perfectly entitled to walk away. They place the blame on the other person, 'well, I had no other choice.' When in reality, there's like a million other choices.

 

I guess it all comes down to mindset. Seems some think it's ok while other don't...

 

 

 

 

P.S - The second was less than a year. Not really important, just clarification. .

[Sarah Whittle]

I was kinda ghosted on after a 6 year relationship and I get doing something you later regret in a time of extreme stress.

 

I mean while it is not the best or most honorable course of action it is at least understandable under certain circumstances.

 

But what I don't get is after that stress has passed and the dust has settled why don't most ghosters atleast try to make amends?

 

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Can you make amends for it?

 

For me, I honestly don't know what to say. I can't make an excuse for it. Plus, I don't know how much hurt/pain I caused him. It was easy for me, I wasn't overly emotionally invested in him, but I could tell he was falling pretty hard. I don't want to drag him back through it just to say: "Hey, I just wasn't feeling it." It seems like it would be even more unfair than what has already been done.

 

I think of my breakup 2 years ago. Even with knowing it was coming for several days, being given a 'reason,' and having the guy say "I want to break up with you;" it still leaves the dumpee in a state of hurt and confusion. There really wasn't anything my Ex could have said to me to make it any 'better.'

 

Does that make sense?

[Liraele]

Ahhhh, the typical 'I owe you nothing' excuse pathetic men use to excuse their cowardice....

 

Harsh? But I don't know you so I don't owe you anything right?

 

See how this mindset leads to the downfall of human decency? I do!

 

(p.s. that comment was made to make a point. I am in no way seriously attempting to be insulting to you)

 

Hang up my life over the obvious? Google 'ghosting'. Very rarely is it 'obvious' to the person being ignored.

 

Its careless, callous, cowardly and shows ones lack of maturity.

 

In case you were wondering my timelines of ghosting - 7 months and 9 years. I don't know what its like to be ghosted after 1 date but I doubt I'd like it.

 

You were left after 7 months and 9 years without a single "it's over/it's not working" conversation or inkling that all was not as it should be? They just straight up disappeared one day and you never heard from them again?

 

Because that seems very odd.

[Liraele]

Because she kept begging him for chances, and threaten suicide...he loved her, it was hard to break up but he knew they weren't going to work out. He couldn't deal with a break up conversation that turned into three days of her refusing to leave his house (that happened once). He has limitations too. Not everyone is perfectly emotionally healthy...my brother is a former addict...the reason people abuse substances is generally an avoidance tactic. So he couldn't deal with her drama every break up...not without detriment to his mental health (and risk relapsing). He did the right thing for him.

 

It's not how someone healthy would deal with it. It's not how I would have handled it...but we all can only do what we can.

 

I wouldn't really consider this ghosting, since he tried to break up with her and she went kinda crazy...the conversation still happened, even if it wasn't well received or absorbed by the other party.

[LordRorek]

Can you make amends for it?

 

For me, I honestly don't know what to say. I can't make an excuse for it. Plus, I don't know how much hurt/pain I caused him. It was easy for me, I wasn't overly emotionally invested in him, but I could tell he was falling pretty hard. I don't want to drag him back through it just to say: "Hey, I just wasn't feeling it." It seems like it would be even more unfair than what has already been done.

 

I think of my breakup 2 years ago. Even with knowing it was coming for several days, being given a 'reason,' and having the guy say "I want to break up with you;" it still leaves the dumpee in a state of hurt and confusion. There really wasn't anything my Ex could have said to me to make it any 'better.'

 

Does that make sense?

 

It does make sense but let me ask you a question.

 

Have you ever been ghosted?

 

Because I have been broken up with both ways and I would rather know that the person cared enough to atleast try to apologize and make amends rather than just leave me to stew on my own thoughts.

 

Because no matter what you or anyone else says to the ghostee about how "It's not you, it's them.

 

Without concrete answers the simple act of ghosting plays right into all our worst fears and insecurities.

 

The ghostee take a massive hit to thier self esteem and pride.

 

In the absence of concrete answers I would think things like "God I'm so f%#ing ugly! No wonder she left your stupid, ugly a$$!"

 

When you ghost, the ghostee will have to not only deal with the heartbreak but the shame, confusion, and pain of figuring what happened and why it happened on thier own.

 

A break up is always painful no matter what. But ghosting makes the ghostees effort to put the pieces back together longer and more arduous than it has to be.

 

You said

For me, I honestly don't know what to say. I can't make an excuse for it. Plus, I don't know how much hurt/pain I caused him. It was easy for me, I wasn't overly emotionally invested in him, but I could tell he was falling pretty hard. I don't want to drag him back through it just to say: "Hey, I just wasn't feeling it." It seems like it would be even more unfair than what has already been done.

You don't need to give an excuse!

 

Just tell him what you did, why you did it, and that your sorry!

 

And ad far as dragging him through it again.

 

I would have given anything for my EX to apologize and give me an explanation.

 

How do you know that an apology and an explanation isn't exactly the closure he needs to move on?

 

I have never received an explanation and apology that made me feel worse.

 

I agree with this article wholeheartedly

[figureitout23]

It does make sense but let me ask you a question.

 

Have you ever been ghosted?

 

Because I have been broken up with both ways and I would rather know that the person cared enough to atleast try to apologize and make amends rather than just leave me to stew on my own thoughts.

 

Because no matter what you or anyone else says to the ghostee about how "It's not you, it's them.

 

Without concrete answers the simple act of ghosting plays right into all our worst fears and insecurities.

 

The ghostee take a massive hit to thier self esteem and pride.

 

In the absence of concrete answers I would think things like "God I'm so f%#ing ugly! No wonder she left your stupid, ugly a$$!"

 

When you ghost, the ghostee will have to not only deal with the heartbreak but the shame, confusion, and pain of figuring what happened and why it happened on thier own.

 

A break up is always painful no matter what. But ghosting makes the ghostees effort to put the pieces back together longer and more arduous than it has to be.

 

 

THIS, THIS, THIS, all of this!!!!

[LordRorek]

THIS, THIS, THIS, all of this!!!!

Huh?

[figureitout23]

You were left after 7 months and 9 years without a single "it's over/it's not working" conversation or inkling that all was not as it should be? They just straight up disappeared one day and you never heard from them again?

 

Because that seems very odd.

 

Oh no, I heard from them both again. I have no reason to lie about something like this happening to me twice, its pretty embarrassing.

[figureitout23]

Huh?

 

Im saying I agree with you completely

[LordRorek]

Im saying I agree with you completely

Ahh I see. My bad. LOL

[Liraele]

Oh no, I heard from them both again. I have no reason to lie about something like this happening to me twice, its pretty embarrassing.

 

I don't think anyone was accusing you of lying, but it just seems weird that people would disappear after those time frames without there having been ANY conversations leading up to the disappearance.

[Sarah Whittle]

It does make sense but let me ask you a question.

 

Have you ever been ghosted?

 

Yes, once after a 4ish month relationship, I had moved a way for a few months and he didn't like the distance. Was silent for a few days, then he said "I can't do this anymore" and I never heard from him again. My more recent break up was just as hard to deal with, because even with 'answers' and 'concrete reasons,' I knew I wasn't getting the full truth and never would.

 

Because I have been broken up with both ways and I would rather know that the person cared enough to atleast try to apologize and make amends rather than just leave me to stew on my own thoughts.

 

Because no matter what you or anyone else says to the ghostee about how "It's not you, it's them.

 

Without concrete answers the simple act of ghosting plays right into all our worst fears and insecurities.

 

For me, those insecurities came out regardless of how the break up occurred. In my last break up, him giving me that concrete answer just made it worse because it was based on an assumption he made about me and never discussed or brought up in the relationship after it became more serious.

 

The ghostee take a massive hit to thier self esteem and pride.

 

A dumpee takes a massive hit their self esteem and pride. But yes, the one who is ghosted may have a harder time with it.

 

In the absence of concrete answers I would think things like "God I'm so f%#ing ugly! No wonder she left your stupid, ugly a$$!"

 

I have those thoughts constantly. So I know exactly how you feel.

 

When you ghost, the ghostee will have to not only deal with the heartbreak but the shame, confusion, and pain of figuring what happened and why it happened on thier own.

 

A break up is always painful no matter what. But ghosting makes the ghostees effort to put the pieces back together longer and more arduous than it has to be.

 

You said

 

You don't need to give an excuse!

 

Just tell him what you did, why you did it, and that your sorry!

 

And ad far as dragging him through it again.

 

I would have given anything for my EX to apologize and give me an explanation.

 

How do you know that an apology and an explanation isn't exactly the closure he needs to move on?

 

I have never received an explanation and apology that made me feel worse.

 

I don't know how long or committed your relationship was when she ghosted on you. But for me, the guy and I had only been seeing each other for 2ish months, were not in an exclusive relationship (we had, in no way, shape, or form even talked about being in a relationship at all), and never indicated he was going to try and give us a label any time soon. So, there shouldn't be any real 'moving on' for him. The reason I ended it when I did was because I could feel him moving in that direction and my feelings were racing in the opposite direction. To clarify our 'relationship,' we would go out to dinner about once a week and then go back to his place to watch tv or a movie. We would make out and cuddle, but it hadn't even moved into a sexual relationship. I thought it better to nip everything in bud before I really hurt him by leading him on and using him as a confidence boost to my broken ego from my previous breakup.

 

At the time, I really thought I was doing the kinder thing by ending it when I did. I just did not do it in the proper way, I take full responsibility for that. If he were to contact me and ask what happened, I would be honest and tell him. But I will not seek him out to do so, as I don't think that is the better avenue.

 

I agree with this article wholeheartedly

 

I don't agree with this article in a lot of ways. As a dumpee, I do NOT want my Ex coming back and apologizing for anything, as I have come to terms with the end of the relationship. I have recognized he made the right decision even if it was based on an incorrect assumption, and I have moved on. It took me a solid year to get to that point. If he were to suddenly pop back up and try to have a conversation about that part of my life I have closed a door on, I would not be happy.

Anyone who does this simply to assuage their own feelings of guilt are just being selfish. However, if the dumpee somehow indicates that they want their Ex (through friends or by contacting them directly), then I think it would be ok.

 

 

I have to write something outside the quote for it to post...

[LordRorek]

I have to write something outside the quote for it to post...

Well while I don't necessarily agree with your opinion I understand and your opinion.

 

I hope you have a speedy recovery and I pray for your healing, health, and happiness.

[Sarah Whittle]

Well while I don't necessarily agree with your opinion I understand and your opinion.

 

I hope you have a speedy recovery and I pray for your healing, health, and happiness.

 

Thanks

 

This all occurred last year and I can honestly say I am in a great place emotionally. It took time and a concentrated effort of focusing on myself and my healing.

 

I hope your healing has started on a positive a positive path and you find happiness as well. I know your situation is different than mine and I completely understand your side of this discussion. Break ups just suck in general.

[Annia]

Oh no, I heard from them both again. I have no reason to lie about something like this happening to me twice, its pretty embarrassing.

 

It's embarrassing for them. If someone doesn't have the decency to have a break up talk after 7 months or even worse 9 years, the shame is on them for being so selfish, douchy and inconsiderate.

[LordRorek]

Thanks

 

This all occurred last year and I can honestly say I am in a great place emotionally. It took time and a concentrated effort of focusing on myself and my healing.

 

I hope your healing has started on a positive a positive path and you find happiness as well. I know your situation is different than mine and I completely understand your side of this discussion. Break ups just suck in general.

Although I do have to say I hope you have learned your lesson and won't ghost again.

 

Because it's extremely damaging to the ghostee. IDK about you but being ghosted on was far more painful to me than being broken up with the traditional way.

 

But maybe that's just me.

[Annia]

I've read the article you posted LordRorek. I don't know if I agree with all the answers, but from a dumpee's point of view, even though I don't need it anymore, an apology from certain people from the past would be nice. However I don't feel it's absolutely necessary if one has truly moved on. I also apologised to people I felt I didn't treat right a while after it happened and I think it was a good thing. But like the article also says, one must be very careful about which are their intentions. It really depends on what happened and the circunstances, so the answer to that is on "case to case basis".

[EternalOptimis]

I did not know about ghosting. That is quite shocking that there are people who do that.

 

In the context of online dating, and prior to phone or face-to-face contact, it can be a kinder, gentler thing to let someone know you are not interested by just not responding to email. But to walk off without explanation beyond that point? That is a purely selfish (doing what's easier for the ghoster) or outright mean (playing mind games / scoring points).

[Annia]

Although I do have to say I hope you have learned your lesson and won't ghost again.

 

Because it's extremely damaging to the ghostee. IDK about you but being ghosted on was far more painful to me than being broken up with the traditional way.

 

But maybe that's just me.

 

I think that it depends on many things to say if one is more painful than the other.

 

I think that being ghosted is usually worse, but most times being ghosted after a short time is less painful than being broken up traditionally after a long time. But I think it works differently depending on how the person processes, the feelings they had and how they act after the break up and if they really make an effort to heal or not.