My passive aggressive ways drove away my best friend.

[Neverwhere23]

A little background info; Ever since I graduated college 5 years ago I've been living with my two best friends C and S. We moved together from place to place, we've been with one another through pretty much anything a group of friends can go through. Break ups, new careers, loss in the family, you name it. However, for the past few months, we've been growing apart from each other. Actually, it would be more accurate to say they've been growing away from me. I work nights so I don't have much of a social life. Sometimes I don't see my roommates for days, due to our opposing schedules. I've been feeling alone and secluded for a long time now. My roommates, on the other hand, spend all their time together. They work in the same neighborhood and they get eat lunch with each other every day. They have a tight relationship and I feel like I'm on the outside in my own home.

 

Now to the problem, my roommates can be very messy and I don't communicate my feelings very well. I come home from work most days, the house is a complete wreck, and then there's no one around. I'm alone in a house cleaning up someone else's garbage. Things have been this way for a long time and I haven't been very cool about it. I get mean, I get sullen, and I take my anger out on roommates. I usually apologize and try to be more communicative but things always wind up turning bad later. One day I came home late, there was no one around and the apartment was gross again. I knew I wouldn't be able to get to bed until I cleaned up some of the mess. So I start cleaning and then I see dirt, honest to god from the outside dirt sitting on the floor in front of my sofa in huge clumps. I go to sweep it up and I see ants. There are dozens of ants crawling around my living room floor. I lose my cool. I clean the whole apartment and I toss all of my roommate's dirty clothes that were laying around the house into her room. Cut to a few days later and I hear my roommate C screaming at the top of her lungs around 7 in the morning. ( This is the roommate who left all the dirt and bugs in the living room) She's tossing loose articles of clothing out into the hallway screaming that none of it belongs to her ( most of it did, she was just pissed off and didn't notice ). I got up to confront her and tell her I tossed all of her crap from downstairs into her room. Her room is such a disgusting wreck I didn't think she would notice. She loses it at me, tells me I don't respect her space, that I'm a disrespectful roommate. I tell her "I'm not arguing with her like this, we're damn near 30! Just clean up after yourself." The next time I see her she says moving out asap.

 

This all happened a few weeks ago my roommate C won't speak to me, and my other roommate S is trying to play the neutral party but I'm still on the outside. S barely speaks to me and when he does it's in a condescending and belittling manner. I think he resents me too. I let my anger and my loneliness get the best of me, and I shouldn't have acted out like that. I should have just approached them a long time ago about trying to be cleaner. Instead, I may have driven my closest friends away from me. I've never felt so alone and so guilty in my life. I don't know what to do.

[JA0371]

If you're true friends with this person the likelihood is that she will eventually get over it. However you might want to ask her out to lunch or dinner without the other roommate and apologize and just tell her what's going on with you. Maybe they don't realize that they're behavior isn't exactly good. Either way, you'll be doing the right thing as a friend who cares about her friends. No one should feel like an outsider in their own home.

[Neverwhere23]

Thank you for your advice. I don't mind if she wants to move out, but I can't stand the idea that a dumb argument over clothes ended a 7-year friendship.

[j.man]

So your roommate tracked a bunch of **** into the apartment, you did a deep clean after finding ants, and then tossed someone's dirty clothes into their room? Yeah, I think you'd have been better off not assuming whose clothes were whose and simply leaving them in a pile instead of throwing them in someone's room, but I'm not really seeing the grievous sin or obscene passive aggressiveness here. Just a roommate who's butt hurt she got called out.

 

Either you've forgotten to write the 95% of the story that's missing or you should find new roommates who aren't babies.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm going to be blunt. You have outgrown your friends and you aren't the problem. The problem is your roommate is a pig or they both are. When it gets so bad that ants are attracted then there is a serious issue and I would have been way worse about it than you were. I wouldn't have cleaned. I'd have stayed up then told dear roomie to handle it and showed her then insisted she clean it up or get out. Or possibly I'd have just scooped the ants into something then stuck them in her room, but then that's me. And I long ago learned the hard way that people who are slobs don't get it when you tell them to clean up after themselves. Being bitten while they're sleeping will sometimes get the point across. Or not, but it's not your problem.

 

Let her move out or go find another place to live. You've been enabling these two to act like pigs secure in the knowledge you will clean up after them and you are not their mom. And that's often a maturity thing where one friend does begin to pull out of childhood while others don't. It's common for that to happen with friends. I would leave a letter stating you're sorry she's upset, but her refusal to clean up attracted ants and that's just going too far. And it's not up to you to put their things away, that is on them. And if they don't like it they are free to move out and you will advertise for people who can clean up after themselves. Yes, be that blunt, yes let the chips fall where they may.

 

And stop cleaning after anyone but yourself or go get another apartment and let her and your other roomie live in squalor.

 

She's not acting this way over some clothes. She's acting that way, because she got used to you cleaning up after her and she's being a spoiled brat that you shoved her filthy clothes into her room for her to deal with. It's time to move on. Instead of blaming yourself for their bad behaviors, it's time to admit this friendship has run its course and go make new friends and find people who can clean up after themselves. I'm sorry it blew up like this, but my suspicion is the minute you stopped cleaning this one roommate was going to blow up regardless, because she's been relying on you to act as mom.

 

And that's not your job. She's a grown-a** woman for god's sake. And ants? I mean, that's so gross yeah I'd have lost it too. Let her go somewhere and live with ants and good luck on another roommate who will clean up her crap.

 

An argument over clothes didn't end this friendship. The fact you had a roommate who is so gross and dirty you can't even tell whose clothes were whose and she attracted ants into the place - that ended the friendship. And that's on her, not you.

[RainyCoast]

yup, i would've put the dirty clothes AND the swept up dirt and ants into her room. And whatever other dirt and junk she leaves around. moldy food leftovers, soda cans and those disgusting blobs of toothpaste some people leave in the sink...all of it, all! of! it! would have been returned to sender if this were me.

 

when i lived on the ground floor in an apartment building, tenants whose balcony was above my entrance would throw their swept up junk (and food leftovers when they just shook them off their tablecloth, over the balcony railing) right.on.my.doorstep.

 

infuriating. i tried to politely tell them not to. several times. obviously, i don't want their trash, i don't want rats. they kept doing it. then one day i said "do i empty my trash on your doorstep Bob? maybe i should since you find it an okay thing to do". they kept doing it. until one day i followed up on my word. collected an entire day's worth of their trash and went and scattered it in front of their door.

 

absolute, revolting pigs.

[Hollyj]

I'm going to be blunt. You have outgrown your friends and you aren't the problem. The problem is your roommate is a pig or they both are. When it gets so bad that ants are attracted then there is a serious issue and I would have been way worse about it than you were. I wouldn't have cleaned. I'd have stayed up then told dear roomie to handle it and showed her then insisted she clean it up or get out. Or possibly I'd have just scooped the ants into something then stuck them in her room, but then that's me. And I long ago learned the hard way that people who are slobs don't get it when you tell them to clean up after themselves. Being bitten while they're sleeping will sometimes get the point across. Or not, but it's not your problem.

 

Let her move out or go find another place to live. You've been enabling these two to act like pigs secure in the knowledge you will clean up after them and you are not their mom. And that's often a maturity thing where one friend does begin to pull out of childhood while others don't. It's common for that to happen with friends. I would leave a letter stating you're sorry she's upset, but her refusal to clean up attracted ants and that's just going too far. And it's not up to you to put their things away, that is on them. And if they don't like it they are free to move out and you will advertise for people who can clean up after themselves. Yes, be that blunt, yes let the chips fall where they may.

 

And stop cleaning after anyone but yourself or go get another apartment and let her and your other roomie live in squalor.

 

She's not acting this way over some clothes. She's acting that way, because she got used to you cleaning up after her and she's being a spoiled brat that you shoved her filthy clothes into her room for her to deal with. It's time to move on. Instead of blaming yourself for their bad behaviors, it's time to admit this friendship has run its course and go make new friends and find people who can clean up after themselves. I'm sorry it blew up like this, but my suspicion is the minute you stopped cleaning this one roommate was going to blow up regardless, because she's been relying on you to act as mom.

 

And that's not your job. She's a grown-a** woman for god's sake. And ants? I mean, that's so gross yeah I'd have lost it too. Let her go somewhere and live with ants and good luck on another roommate who will clean up her crap.

 

An argument over clothes didn't end this friendship. The fact you had a roommate who is so gross and dirty you can't even tell whose clothes were whose and she attracted ants into the place - that ended the friendship. And that's on her, not you.

 

Totally agree! You are not the maid or their mother . Stop cleaning up after them, and find new roommates . How disgusting!!!

[Hollyj]

yup, i would've put the dirty clothes AND the swept up dirt and ants into her room. And whatever other dirt and junk she leaves around. moldy food leftovers, soda cans and those disgusting blobs of toothpaste some people leave in the sink...all of it, all! of! it! would have been returned to sender if this were me.

 

when i lived on the ground floor in an apartment building, tenants whose balcony was above my entrance would throw their swept up junk (and food leftovers when they just shook them off their tablecloth, over the balcony railing) right.on.my.doorstep.

 

infuriating. i tried to politely tell them not to. several times. obviously, i don't want their trash, i don't want rats. they kept doing it. then one day i said "do i empty my trash on your doorstep Bob? maybe i should since you find it an okay thing to do". they kept doing it. until one day i followed up on my word. collected an entire day's worth of their trash and went and scattered it in front of their door.

 

absolute, revolting pigs.

 

What was the response?

[RainyCoast]

nothing. not a word. not a breadcrumb on my doorstep after that.

 

i don't think they saw me leave it there. but i gave them a heads-up, and they must have recognized their own filth.

 

i guess they just figured if they throw it in the bin the first time around, they won't have to clean it up twice lol.

[Capricorn3]

I'm going to be blunt. You have outgrown your friends and you aren't the problem. The problem is your roommate is a pig or they both are. When it gets so bad that ants are attracted then there is a serious issue and I would have been way worse about it than you were. I wouldn't have cleaned. I'd have stayed up then told dear roomie to handle it and showed her then insisted she clean it up or get out. Or possibly I'd have just scooped the ants into something then stuck them in her room, but then that's me. And I long ago learned the hard way that people who are slobs don't get it when you tell them to clean up after themselves. Being bitten while they're sleeping will sometimes get the point across. Or not, but it's not your problem.

 

Let her move out or go find another place to live. You've been enabling these two to act like pigs secure in the knowledge you will clean up after them and you are not their mom. And that's often a maturity thing where one friend does begin to pull out of childhood while others don't. It's common for that to happen with friends. I would leave a letter stating you're sorry she's upset, but her refusal to clean up attracted ants and that's just going too far. And it's not up to you to put their things away, that is on them. And if they don't like it they are free to move out and you will advertise for people who can clean up after themselves. Yes, be that blunt, yes let the chips fall where they may.

 

And stop cleaning after anyone but yourself or go get another apartment and let her and your other roomie live in squalor.

 

She's not acting this way over some clothes. She's acting that way, because she got used to you cleaning up after her and she's being a spoiled brat that you shoved her filthy clothes into her room for her to deal with. It's time to move on. Instead of blaming yourself for their bad behaviors, it's time to admit this friendship has run its course and go make new friends and find people who can clean up after themselves. I'm sorry it blew up like this, but my suspicion is the minute you stopped cleaning this one roommate was going to blow up regardless, because she's been relying on you to act as mom.

 

And that's not your job. She's a grown-a** woman for god's sake. And ants? I mean, that's so gross yeah I'd have lost it too. Let her go somewhere and live with ants and good luck on another roommate who will clean up her crap.

 

An argument over clothes didn't end this friendship. The fact you had a roommate who is so gross and dirty you can't even tell whose clothes were whose and she attracted ants into the place - that ended the friendship. And that's on her, not you.

 

This post absolutely nailed it!! *high five*

[Hollyj]

nothing. Not a word. Not a breadcrumb on my doorstep after that.

 

I don't think they saw me leave it there. But i gave them a heads-up, and they must have recognized their own filth.

 

I guess they just figured if they throw it in the bin the first time around, they won't have to clean it up twice lol.

 

lol!!!!!!!!!!

[ParisPaulette]

nothing. Not a word. Not a breadcrumb on my doorstep after that. I don't think they saw me leave it there. But i gave them a heads-up, and they must have recognized their own filth. I guess they just figured if they throw it in the bin the first time around, they won't have to clean it up twice lol.

 

I love this. ^^^^^

 

When I lived in L.A. our next-door neighbor saw fit to bring their dog over to crap in our yard, not theirs, but ours. He did this during the day when he thought no one was home, and we had fenced in yards in front of a fourplex apartment building I was living in. I wasn't aware of it since I was barely home, but the tenant behind me was since she was home during the day part of the week. She tried repeatedly to chase him off, to ask him not to do it, he ignored her. Finally she snapped. She collected a week's worth of his dog crap and put it on his front stoop with a note that said he would be receiving daily "presents' every day, and by the way the landlord was installing cameras to catch who was crapping up his lawn and was really angry about it.

 

The guy ranted and raved at all of us, but after that he never brought his dog back to our yards and we put up a couple of "fake" cameras just to make the guy think we were watching him.

[ParisPaulette]

nothing. Not a word. Not a breadcrumb on my doorstep after that. I don't think they saw me leave it there. But i gave them a heads-up, and they must have recognized their own filth. I guess they just figured if they throw it in the bin the first time around, they won't have to clean it up twice lol.

 

I love this. ^^^^^

 

When I lived in L.A. our next-door neighbor saw fit to bring their dog over to crap in our yard, not theirs, but ours. He did this during the day when he thought no one was home, and we had fenced in yards in front of a fourplex apartment building I was living in. I wasn't aware of it since I was barely home, but the tenant behind me was since she was home during the day part of the week. She tried repeatedly to chase him off, to ask him not to do it, he ignored her. Finally she snapped. She collected a week's worth of his dog crap and put it on his front stoop with a note that said he would be receiving daily "presents' every day, and by the way the landlord was installing cameras to catch who was crapping up his lawn and was really angry about it.

 

The guy ranted and raved at all of us as we came home that day since he wasn't sure who did it. We all told him he was trespassing if he was bringing his dog over and we'd call the cops on him. He would yell, then storm back inside and wait for the next person. None of us gave up the neighbor who had done it, but we all had a lot to say about someone trespassing on our rental property to let their dog use it as their personal toilet.

 

After that he never brought his dog back to our yards and he'd run inside whenever any of us came out. Another neighbor told us he'd told her we all "hated" him and I told her that was pretty much the sentiment since he was such a pig.

 

Sorry OP, you were not in the wrong. You were way nicer than most of the people on this forum would ever have been. I hope you get nicer roommates and Ms. Anthill has moved out. (Shudders)