I broke up with ex and after NC we exchanged emails till he told me to stop!

[LaHermes]

Anna.

 

Abusers don't love themselves! The reasons are manifold. So they cannot love anyone else in any sense of that word.

 

Could I recommend this book:

 

"Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft

 

Look it up.

[Wiseman2]

Hopefully you learned to look for these red flags before you become the next victim. Run. Bell;6810779] he got frustrated and sent abusive messages. She reported to the police. If we hadn't broken up, he would have been reported by me to the police again.

[Anna Bell]

Anna.

 

Abusers don't love themselves! The reasons are manifold. So they cannot love anyone else in any sense of that word.

 

Could I recommend this book:

 

"Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft

 

Look it up.

 

Just googled the book and I'll get it to prevent becoming a victim next time.

 

Can I ask you a question? Why did he ask me to delete his email address and stop contacting him? He could block me on his email. What's the reason behind? Thanks!

[LaHermes]

Why did he ask me to delete his email address and stop contacting him?

 

Who knows, Anna. Abusers operate in a very different framework from the the rest of us.....

[Anna Bell]

Hopefully you learned to look for these red flags before you become the next victim. Run.

 

Yes thanks. It's all about future now.

 

I have to say there are so many people out there are abusers, equally there are so many people stay with abusers and haven't realised the problems or made action to change the situation. Very sad.

[LaHermes]

Anna, this is an excerpt from an excellent article by a Dr. Richard Grossman. "Why do some people choose one bad relationship after another?"

 

"Giving up a destructive relationship is difficult. The brief moments of validation are cherished, and the person who finally leaves must relinquish the hope of "earning" more. When the person finally breaks free they are faced with an immediate and lasting feeling of emptiness and self-blame that makes them question their decision.

"If only I had been different or better--then I would have been valued," is the usual refrain. Once the old relationship is sufficiently grieved, the person immediately resumes their search for another partner/lover with the qualifications and authority to again secure him or her a "place" in the world.

 

Ironically, this "repetition compulsion" is hardly masochistic. Instead, it represents an ongoing attempt to heal the self, albeit one with disastrous results. The cycle repeats itself because the person knows no other way of preventing themselves from feeling tiny or immaterial."

 

You can Google it and read the three pages.

[Hollyj]

Yes thanks. It's all about future now.

 

I have to say there are so many people out there are abusers, equally there are so many people stay with abusers and haven't realised the problems or made action to change the situation. Very sad.

 

Yes, But, you were smart enough to get out. Please stand by this decision, and never communicate with him again. You deserve much better than this.

[boltnrun]

Him asking you to delete him and never contact him again was more of his abuse. You're just not seeing it.

 

See, he knows you'll feel "bad" about not being nice to him. And sure enough, you do. Now you've convinced yourself you overreacted and that he was "sweet" and "nice" and "loving". Soon enough, you'll convince yourself that no one has ever loved you the way he did! And the next step will be contacting him to apologize for "hurting" him. You will take the blame for how HE treated you. And the cycle will start again.

 

No one ever said abusers were stupid.

[Hollyj]

Him asking you to delete him and never contact him again was more of his abuse. You're just not seeing it.

 

See, he knows you'll feel "bad" about not being nice to him. And sure enough, you do. Now you've convinced yourself you overreacted and that he was "sweet" and "nice" and "loving". Soon enough, you'll convince yourself that no one has ever loved you the way he did! And the next step will be contacting him to apologize for "hurting" him. You will take the blame for how HE treated you. And the cycle will start again.

 

No one ever said abusers were stupid.

 

Totally agree. It is all about the manipulation.

 

Anna, you need to do more research about abusive men and their behaviors.. Your ex is classic abuser. Nothing special or different about him.

[Anna Bell]

Him asking you to delete him and never contact him again was more of his abuse. You're just not seeing it.

 

See, he knows you'll feel "bad" about not being nice to him. And sure enough, you do. Now you've convinced yourself you overreacted and that he was "sweet" and "nice" and "loving". Soon enough, you'll convince yourself that no one has ever loved you the way he did! And the next step will be contacting him to apologize for "hurting" him. You will take the blame for how HE treated you. And the cycle will start again.

 

No one ever said abusers were stupid.

 

Wow I'm speechless now. How can you even spot it as an abuse? I did wonder that it was alway him that initiated contact after breakup, the gap without contact had never been more than 3 days.. I only did a couple of times and the last time I did, he emphasised that when I called it a day, it meant he would switch off his feeling and we were not going to be friends. He asked me to stop contacting him and delete his email address. It should be him stop contacting me. He could have blocked me instead of asking me to delete his email address. Now I totally got the point after your explanation. Thank you so much!!!

 

It's true the reason he became an abuser was because of the mixed odd charm of him: tall handsome successful and intelligent.

[Anna Bell]

Totally agree. It is all about the manipulation.

 

Anna, you need to do more research about abusive men and their behaviors.. Your ex is classic abuser. Nothing special or different about him.

 

 

Hollyyj, you seriously pinpointed out the problem. I just was new to an abusive man and now I need to do a great deal of research on this type of people. I'm so grateful that you stood by me, confirmed my decision and reassured my action. You're a life saver!

[Anna Bell]

Anna, this is an excerpt from an excellent article by a Dr. Richard Grossman. "Why do some people choose one bad relationship after another?"

 

"Giving up a destructive relationship is difficult. The brief moments of validation are cherished, and the person who finally leaves must relinquish the hope of "earning" more. When the person finally breaks free they are faced with an immediate and lasting feeling of emptiness and self-blame that makes them question their decision.

"If only I had been different or better--then I would have been valued," is the usual refrain. Once the old relationship is sufficiently grieved, the person immediately resumes their search for another partner/lover with the qualifications and authority to again secure him or her a "place" in the world.

 

Ironically, this "repetition compulsion" is hardly masochistic. Instead, it represents an ongoing attempt to heal the self, albeit one with disastrous results. The cycle repeats itself because the person knows no other way of preventing themselves from feeling tiny or immaterial."

 

You can Google it and read the three pages.

 

Thanks for providing this useful information again. I'll absolutely pay attention to read the 3 pages. You guys are so knowledgeable on abusive people!

[LaHermes]

Don't follow you here Anna:

 

"It's true the reason he became an abuser was because of the mixed odd charm of him: tall handsome successful and intelligent."

 

Many many tall handsome successful and intelligent men who are not and do not become abusers.

 

The reasons why some people are abusers (including what I call the "career abusers") are manifold. Sure, the abuser can be glib, apparently empathetic and indeed charming at first, in order to hook in the prey.

 

"Men that are abuse are very clever, smart, and extremely charming. Most of these men have a personality that draws people in because of their level of charm this is part of their art to deceive and manipulate. This is why often times when a victim does report an assault she is not easily believed because people usually say “not him, he is so nice’ “you are so lucky”, All of this plays into his because if he gets people outside of the home to buy into his deceit the victim has little if no support. Most batterers are seen as “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" because of the stark contrast in their public and private selves. "

 

 

From an article: "Behind the Veil: Inside the Mind of Men that Abuse. "

[Hollyj]

Wow I'm speechless now. How can you even spot it as an abuse? I did wonder that it was alway him that initiated contact after breakup, the gap without contact had never been more than 3 days.. I only did a couple of times and the last time I did, he emphasised that when I called it a day, it meant he would switch off his feeling and we were not going to be friends. He asked me to stop contacting him and delete his email address. It should be him stop contacting me. He could have blocked me instead of asking me to delete his email address. Now I totally got the point after your explanation. Thank you so much!!!

 

It's true the reason he became an abuser was because of the mixed odd charm of him: tall handsome successful and intelligent.

 

No it is because he is a sick, manipulative bully that does not respect, or like women.

 

Looks and success have nothing to do with this. He could look like a toad and be homeless, and be abusive.

[Hollyj]

Hollyyj, you seriously pinpointed out the problem. I just was new to an abusive man and now I need to do a great deal of research on this type of people. I'm so grateful that you stood by me, confirmed my decision and reassured my action. You're a life saver!

 

Always follow your intuition. As you see, it steered you the right way.

[Hollyj]

Anna, Have you shared this with your family?

[Anna Bell]

Anna, Have you shared this with your family?

 

No, they are far away. It was a short term relationship and I always felt unsure about us all way through. So I kept him secret. Only told my best friend about him, she did give me warnings but she's not expert on abusive relationship. I wish I could have come here to seek advice earlier. Really appreciate all your opinions and advice.

[Hollyj]

Why did you feel unsure in the beginning? If there are things that you cannot share with your family, then you should not be in the relationship.

 

If you are in a country that offers services to women who have been in abusive relationships, then I would look into it. I know that there are many free options in the States. You seem very naive with all of this.

[SooSad33]

You were inquiring as to WHY and/or HOW he could show you 'so much love' in the beginning ( love bombing).

Then end up so cold and controlling to you later.... ( because he knew he had hooked you- and you fell for it all).

 

BUT.. facts are facts.. and someone like this it completely irrational, selfish and Toxic!

 

He took HUGE advantage of you once he had you in his grasp.. and the fact of the matter is, is you ended up so hurt because of his attitude towards you.

 

This guy does not and can not 'love' anyone. Most likely himself, either.. but will ruin everyone in his path

 

Please do some research on Narcasissts, Manipulation, Sociopaths, etc. (These are all bad people to get involved with).

They are fake & dangerous. and it's all about Power, money & sex. ( something like love is never involved). They are UNable to 'give' in a healthy manner. ( mentally unstable).- so they'll ruin you.

 

They'll do whatever they can to get their grip on someone then use them- in order to try n make themselves feel better.. then bring YOU down with them!

 

Anyways, I hope you do realize soon enough that all that went on, which was of a 'positive' was all fake. he is NOT a real man. he is very low.... and No Good for you or anyone else.

They won't change.. because they are Damaged.

[Anna Bell]

Don't follow you here Anna:

 

"It's true the reason he became an abuser was because of the mixed odd charm of him: tall handsome successful and intelligent."

 

Many many tall handsome successful and intelligent men who are not and do not become abusers.

 

The reasons why some people are abusers (including what I call the "career abusers") are manifold. Sure, the abuser can be glib, apparently empathetic and indeed charming at first, in order to hook in the prey.

 

"Men that are abuse are very clever, smart, and extremely charming. Most of these men have a personality that draws people in because of their level of charm this is part of their art to deceive and manipulate. This is why often times when a victim does report an assault she is not easily believed because people usually say “not him, he is so nice’ “you are so lucky”, All of this plays into his because if he gets people outside of the home to buy into his deceit the victim has little if no support. Most batterers are seen as “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" because of the stark contrast in their public and private selves. "

 

 

From an article: "Behind the Veil: Inside the Mind of Men that Abuse. "

The reason was not what I thought. I need to learn a lot about abusers apparently. Thank you for guiding me.

[Anna Bell]

Always follow your intuition. As you see, it steered you the right way.

 

As a woman, intuition is a gift. I had no knowledge of abusers, I escaped from a abuser purely based on intuition.

[Anna Bell]

Why did you feel unsure in the beginning? If there are things that you cannot share with your family, then you should not be in the relationship.

 

If you are in a country that offers services to women who have been in abusive relationships, then I would look into it. I know that there are many free options in the States. You seem very naive with all of this.

 

I think because I fell in love with him and carried away without being able to identify problems, although subconsciously I knew something was wrong.

 

I bought the book called "Why does he do that " and trying to understand abusers and abusive relationships. Yes I'm naive with this aspect.

[Anna Bell]

"They'll do whatever they can to get their grip on someone then use them- in order to try n make themselves feel better.. then bring YOU down with them!"

 

This sounds like scary, like vampires use humans to suck their blood.

[Anna Bell]

New question: do abusers know their issues deep down? Did my ex realise that the breakup was caused by his abusive messages?

[Hollyj]

These people do not take responsibility for anything. But, you know this, as he stated so.