Do I split up with him?

[Mrswhite]

I've been with my partner for 4 years and sadly I don't feel in love with him anymore. It absolutely breaks my heart as he is the sweetest, most beautiful caring person with the biggest heart but I just don't think I feel the same way I did. He was never my type from the start but looks don't bother me as much, his personality made him attractive. We moved in together quite early on in the relationship, I moved in with his parents and brothers and eventually we went travelling for 6 months and came back and moved in with my mom so we could start saving to rent a house. I'd been feeling this way for quite some time, how I almost feel at the young age of 21 I'm not sure I want to be tied down too early, I wouldn't mind if it was someone I was madly in love with but I just don't feel it anymore. Since we've been together I've put on some weight and have working so many hours I just don't feel me anymore. I've really lost this spark I used to have and I really have lost the spark in my relationship. I don't find my partner attractive so we don't have sex often at all, if ever as we still live with my mom also but even if we lived in our own place, I don't think I'd be too bothered about sex. If anything, I fantasise about sex with other people quite often and much prefer masturbation than intercourse as he's quite small in the downstairs department and doesn't last long. I'm quite stuck as I feel I don't want to be without him as he's all I've known for the past 4 years as we've spent every waking minute together (practically) but I also don't want to be with him. It's hard because he's still madly in love with me and he says I'm the only one for him etc. His biggest fear is rejection and he has bad anxiety so I know this would damage him so bad if we split but I feel it's unfair to him and myself if I keep stringing the relationship along when in my head I think I know it isn't going to play out. He's now moved back into his moms house so that maybe I will start to appreciate seeing him because currently I can't wait to have alone time to be honest I never get excited about seeing him as he's just part of the furniture now and I thought him moving out would change it but it hasn't. I'm just not sure where to go as of here and would really like some advice.

[LaHermes]

What a tangled web we weave, Mrs. White!!

 

You mention you are 21, so I understand you took up with this man at age 17?

 

He was never your type from the start, but what the heck, you led him on anyhow. And you moved in with his parents and brothers.

 

I feel sorry for this poor guy, who is really just a "convenience".

 

" I'm quite stuck as I feel I don't want to be without him as he's all I've known for the past 4 years as we've spent every waking minute together (practically) but I also don't want to be with him"

 

He deserves better.

[maccerz]

This sounds extremely similar to how my relationship ended. I was madly in love with him for the first 2 and half years but I then started feeling like he was more like a friend than a boyfriend and I really had no sexual attraction to him anymore. I was absolutely devastated and ended up staying with him for another 6 months trying everything in my power to make myself feel something again but to be honest I think when it's gone, it's gone. I'm sorry this is happening to you, it's a horrible position to be in because you feel like you're betraying him AND yourself. How long have you felt this way? 21 is too young to be in a relationship that isn't filled with excitement and fun

[maccerz]

What a tangled web we weave, Mrs. White!!

 

You mention you are 21, so I understand you took up with this man at age 17?

 

He was never your type from the start, but what the heck, you led him on anyhow. And you moved in with his parents and brothers.

 

I feel sorry for this poor guy, who is really just a "convenience".

 

" I'm quite stuck as I feel I don't want to be without him as he's all I've known for the past 4 years as we've spent every waking minute together (practically) but I also don't want to be with him"

 

He deserves better.

 

That's totally unfair. She didn't lead him on, she clearly loved him at one point but her feelings have now changed and that's completely allowed and normal.

[J Miracle]

You literally referred to this guy as a "piece of furniture". When a person morphs into a furnishing, its a clear indicator that you should let them go.

[nutbrownhare]

Frankly, yes. You need to split up with him. If you were significantly older, had much more history behind you and there were kids at stake (say), then I'd advise you to look at rekindling the relationship.

 

However, you aren't the same person at 21 that you were at 17; you're still growing, changing and experiencing life - and he should be, too. I agree that you're too young to be tied down - not least because you describe it as being 'tied down'. You and he have grown apart, which is not at all unusual at your age. Staying with someone where the relationship isn't working out purely because you're afraid to be along will damage both of you in the longer term.

 

It won't be easy to break up. But it'll get harder and harder, the longer you stay together.

[Wiseman2]

Honesty is the best policy and you are growing apart and incompatible sexually. Not to mention being tied down too young for too long. Sort out the logistics of him moving out. Can he move back to his folks?

 

It would be best to end it kindly and sincerely. Stringing someone along for old times sake or complacency or insecurity never turns out well.

 

Take this time to work on yourself. Get in shape, exercise, eat better. Update your image with new hair, clothes, glasses, whatever. Expand your horizons through joining groups, clubs, taking courses, etc.

I've been with my partner for 4 years. I almost feel at the young age of 21 I'm not sure I want to be tied down too early, I wouldn't mind if it was someone I was madly in love with but I just don't feel it anymore.

[Hollyj]

Let the poor guy go.

[HeartGoesOn]

Why did you stay with him since "he wasn't your type from the start", (your words)? In any event, let this poor guy go where he can find someone who deserves him.

[LaHermes]

Yes, HeartgoesOn. I so agree with what you say.

 

Why did you stay with him since in your words, OP, he wasn't your type from the start. He was just a convenience then and that is what he is now. Would you like to be treated like that?

[j.man]

What kind of furniture are we talking about? Old IKEA end-table or new La-Z-Boy recliner?

[Mrswhite]

Sorry guys maybe I should have worded this better. He is the sweetest guy and it wasn't as if I've just got with him because 'he'll do' not at all. I was madly in love with him go start, no he wasn't exactly my type but I've never been one to be bothered by looks. As the relationship has gone on, we have gotten more used to each other and things have become a bit stale as they do. He started speaking to me like crap for around the last year and for some reason I just felt I couldn't talk to him without pissing him off or somehow ending in an argument. The past few weeks he's been trying his hardest to be nice and he is the sweetest guy and I do still love him, a lot. I just don't feel I'm completely in love with him. I'm sorry for my poor choice of words, they were more of just an expression as in 'part of the furniture' just means we have both gotten too comfortable and let ourselves go but he doesn't see that at all. I've changed a lot since we've been together and lost the spark I had inside myself and I think that spark has faded from my relationship also. I feel dreadful and it's hard to let someone go when it's all you've known. I feel like I don't remember my life without him so it's like going into the unknown again and not really knowing if it will benefit both of us but I just know right now in this moment I'm not happy and I'm just not sure what will fix it, if anything. I hope this clears things up a bit but thanks fox the honest advice guys.

[Mrswhite]

I do feel he deserves better, he doesn't deserve to not be madly in love with. I was never really bothered by 'type' as his personality was beautiful but his personality hasn't changed and so has mine so in a way the whole relationship has become more 'ugly' if that's a good way to put it. Please see my latest comment! I'm new to this not sure how to tag you but please don't think I'm a monster. I feel awful that I'm not in love with him like I was in the start, I just don't know where we stand.

[LaHermes]

Confusion here Mrs. White.

 

In your OP:

 

"It's hard because he's still madly in love with me and he says I'm the only one for him etc."

but your last post:

 

He started speaking to me like crap for around the last year and for some reason I just felt I couldn't talk to him without pissing him off or somehow ending in an argument. T

 

Doesn't sound like madly in love to me, and my feeling is maybe it is HE who wants to wind this up......hence the way he speaks to you. You given that some thought?

 

Best is to end it IMO.

[Mrswhite]

This is one of my issues. He had no idea this was coming, it all came out of the blue to him but in my head I was just like 'how can you see that we don't seem happy? That we seem to be nitpicking at and bugging eachother' So to him this is all new and he feels he's done nothing wrong and says he is still madly in love with me, he doesn't want to be with anyone else, he'll do anything to make it and work and he didn't realise that he was doing it and was so moody all the time, he says he completely didn't have a clue. And this is what makes it difficult because it's all one sided. It would have been easier if he'd have said yeah I feel the same, we've lost the spark, let's make it work and make improvements but it's not like that. It's just me who's trying to change things. It's a hard situation, hence why I needed as much advice I could get. I wish I could type out every little issue/good things/bad things about our relationship but I'd be here forever

[Mrswhite]

J.man he's like that new bed that you get that you just can't stop thinking about and can't wait to sleep in because of how comfy it is but in a few years time, it becomes a bit boring and loses character so you kind of want a new bed but can't bare to part with that one you loved so much in the first place. Turns out your brand new bed might be an absolute piece of or it might just be a life saver

[SherrySher]

It's time for you to break up. Everything you described is a clear indication that it no longer is a good thing. It's unfortunate but it happens.

[MissCanuck]

Your relationship is already over in all but name.

 

You're no longer invested or attracted, and it will end badly if you stay together. It doesn't matter if he claims he didn't see this coming; it doesn't change the fact that you have outgrown the relationship and are already emotionally checked out.

 

You know what to do.