Am i over reacting or setting boundaries?

[itsallgrand]

How long did you know and date him before he moved in? What was the reason he moved in so fast ?

[CreativeDust]

OP, why wouldn't he say he wants this relationship? It benefits him tremendously, and really, what other options does this guy have?

 

He's going to keep telling you he wants to be with you, whether he actually does or not. You're giving him a free ride.

 

I have to say, your concern about setting boundaries over his bedtime vs. having a convicted felon left alone with your child seems...very odd.

 

Just because he's a felon doesn't make him a bad person and that's the way I looked at it. He's not a child molester if that's what you are implying. He was homeless and was caught selling drugs when he was in his 20s. That's what he told me anyway, I was there. I didn't know him then. And yes I now feel the same way about the free ride thing. Maybe I have been a fool, but I believed him then.

[Wiseman2]

Taking in drifters to assuage your loneliness and having them babysit your child is not that wise a choice.

[CreativeDust]

It hard to understand leaving your 6 y/o girl alone with a felon live-in bf, sorry. Please think about getting him out and finding a better childcare situation.

 

At one point I felt like we were going to be together for life and so the fact that he was a felon didn't bother me bc I believed his intentions were true. I am thinking on that now and figuring my options.

[CreativeDust]

Taking in drifters to assuage your loneliness and having them babysit your child is not that wise a choice.

 

Agreed. I wasn't lonely though. I fell in love with this man and he said he felt the same about me. It's only now that I've been smacked with reality that I'm starting to wise up.

[CreativeDust]

How long did you know and date him before he moved in? What was the reason he moved in so fast ?

 

We had dated and known each other for a year before he moved in. He moved in because we both wanted it and I felt comfortable because of what he showed me before he moved in. He had a job, had his own place, own money and all that.

[used2blue]

You deserve to have your needs met. You deserve someone who wants you and is willing to meet you in the middle.

[MissCanuck]

Just because he's a felon doesn't make him a bad person and that's the way I looked at it. He's not a child molester if that's what you are implying. He was homeless and was caught selling drugs when he was in his 20s. That's what he told me anyway, I was there. I didn't know him then. And yes I now feel the same way about the free ride thing. Maybe I have been a fool, but I believed him then.

 

No.

 

I am saying it is extremely unwise allowing a previously-homeless convicted drug dealer to be responsible for a child, that you concern about his bedtime habits is odd given the much bigger problems with this picture, and that you seem to have just accepted whatever version of events he gave you. Did you not verify any of this? If not, may I ask why?

[itsallgrand]

You might want to sort out your paper route . Don't know about where you live, but here you can't just have someone take over a contract in your name. Liability issues, and you could get in big trouble.

With the money you've been spending on him, you could pay for reliable child care. Don't rely on him for that anymore, you know better.

 

What do you plan to do? To kick him out now, I doubt he'll go easily. You need supports before you make a move if you plan to exit the relationship. Seems to me you should, for your daughter if not yourself, as she's the number one priority. Even if he's not a risk to her for abuse ( if, I don't know), this isn't a way for her to live. And the resources you put into him, directly take away from what you could be putting into her. He's not a partner - that's glaringly clear

[CreativeDust]

Also, he took over your paper route? Are the checks being signed to him or is he essentially doing your job? Sorry if I'm misinterpreting... just seems odd to be able to transfer a job like that.

 

Like rosephase, I'm curious if he had a job before this paper route and, if not, how long he was unemployed and being supported for. Those details would weigh pretty heavily on the narrative.

 

I just saw this response. But the route is currently still in my name. The company is creating a new contract for him to sign and that should be ready within the next week or so. He did have 2 jobs before the route, but they didn't last long. Yes, foolishly I have supported us in the relationship for the majority of the relationship. It's been harder for him to get a job in our state bc he is a felon. He was homeless in his early 20s (didn't know him then, just going by what he told me ) and he got caught selling drugs. He was unemployed for some time, but he would show me the applications he'd filled out and the places he called trying to get a job. I didnt understand then how difficult it would be for him to get a job or how long it would take for him to actually land a job.

[MissCanuck]

Why didn't his previous jobs last long? The contracts were temporary, do you mean?

[Annia]

I know that this is not the issue, but may I ask about what does he do in the bathroom for 2 hours? Does he still do drugs?

[CreativeDust]

I don't think you're overreacting, but I think how you handled it wasn't the best way to do it. But I have to ask, was he always up so late before or is this a sudden change? If so, what is he doing up so late? I would worry more about what he's doing in that time than I would anything else. Also why is his schedule so free that he can pick and choose his hours? Doesn't he work? That would be more my concern than anything else.

 

When things have calmed down you need to sit him down at the table and discuss coming up with a schedule you both follow. And if he can't then it may well be time to look at whether or not this is working out, because I can't really figure out why such weird hours either. Is there anything else that doesn't seem right or doesn't sit right with you or is this the only thing? I ask that, because it seems like something else is bothering you beneath the surface.

 

Maybe it's time to sit down and really look all of that over. Do you two live together or is he just at your place all the time? Do you ever spend time together as a couple only anymore? Do he and your daughter get on well and are happy together or are there problems there? What about workload, if he's not working does he do any work around the house or contribute in other ways?

 

These are all very big things to consider as well, because it seems like more is going on than just him coming late to bed.

 

Yes I could have definitely handled it better. I was just trying to avoid a long drawn out argument and at the time, I felt just texting him would be better. He's always been a night owl, it's just he's started staying up later and later and waking up later and later and it's interfering with our time spent together and daily things and responsibilities. He stays up watching TV, playing games and drinking beer. I'm sure he watches porn as well, but that's never bothered me.

 

Hes been out of work for a while, but the 3rd shift job he's taken over falls into the normal hours he's awake anyway, so that didn't change anything. I've tried sitting down together and coming up with a schedule but he feels like I'm tryin to tell him what to do. I'm not, but if there are certain responsibilities that we both know need to be done, then I feel like they should be split up so one person isn't overwhelmed. He will vacuum, washes dishes here and there, and clean up the living room. I do all of those things too. We both take trash out and I do all the cooking. We wash our own clothes. He's not able to sleep trash out as often as me bc of how late he sleeps.

 

I just feel like he's choosing the beer, TV and games over me and my daughter . I appreciate him taking on the route, but I guess I just feel differently than him about how a relationship grows and how the people involved work together to make it grow.

 

We do live together and he and my daughter get along just fine (when he's awake and she's here). We spend time together maybe once a week, but we always do what he wants to do, so it just feels like I have no say so. On a daily basis, we'll interact maybe a hour, but that's while the TV is on during commercials.

[CreativeDust]

I know that this is not the issue, but may I ask about what does he do in the bathroom for 2 hours? Does he still do drugs?

 

No he doesn't still do drugs. He has hemorrhoids and so it takes extra long for him to finish up in the restroom. He wont go to the doctor to get them treated though.

[CreativeDust]

No.

 

I am saying it is extremely unwise allowing a previously-homeless convicted drug dealer to be responsible for a child, that you concern about his bedtime habits is odd given the much bigger problems with this picture, and that you seem to have just accepted whatever version of events he gave you. Did you not verify any of this? If not, may I ask why?

 

Ahhhh ok, I misunderstood you then, my apologies. I have had no way of verifying the Information. I've tried looking up online, but haven't found any records of him. He's got no family, and one friend that lives about an hour away. I haven't asked him, but he didn't know him during that time either.

[CreativeDust]

Why didn't his previous jobs last long? The contracts were temporary, do you mean?

 

One of them was a temporary job and the other was part time and they reduced his hours and he ended up quitting. They both lasted maybe 3to 4 months each. The contract is for the news paper route.

[Annia]

You seem like someone with a good heart and that genuinely care for this guy despite his past endeavors and short comings, but this relationship just seems so unbalanced to me. It looks like you do all the work and pull all the weight and he just goes along because it's comfortable for him. Of course you could get separate bedrooms and you could (and should) find a good babysitter for your daughter, but even so the main problem remains, which is that the work (and I don't even mean just financially) is not being balanced in a fair way between you two and you two aren't being able to make a plan and follow it through.

 

If you supported him during most of the relationship the best he can do is to do the most he can at home and try to be the best he can be at home so that he makes your life easier when in there. He shouldn't also give up in looking for jobs. He might not contribute equally financially but he can also help in other ways like I said. And this "night owl" thing... yes, he has the right to go to bed at the time it suits him best, but the thing is that his habits are not helping the relationship, so I think he can make the choice of trying to be more present during the day for you and your daughter. I'm also a night owl (not as much as him though), but when it's necessary I can change this habit. If he had a regular job he'd probably also have to change his sleeping habits, so why can't he adapt a little bit now? I know that habits die hard but I think that even he can realize that even though he works late, this habit is not being beneficial for all of you.

 

I also agree that you didn't handle conflict well, but I don't think you're not overreacting. I'd tell you to lay off his case if he was contributing proportionally to the household and being a good reliable live in boyfriend with a night shift that demanded him to sleep all day, but I don't feel that's the case. He might not being taking advantage of you in a conscious way (though I feel he is), but this situation is at least comfortable to him so that he doesn't feel the need to step up. Also, I don't think this whole situation is good for your daughter.

 

I think you should draw your line in the sand and put yourself and your daughter first. If he keeps being a dead weight and not doing much to change I think you know what to do.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sure you mean well, but rather than this being a happily ever scenario, it's turned into a job of raising a child and supporting a freeloader. With that said, and difficult as it may be, it's time to focus on you and your child's future.

 

What you have now is as good as it's going to get, you can't change his past, and you can't make him turn into a responsible adult. I would give him a notice of 30 days to leave, and walk away with your head held high.