Am i over reacting or setting boundaries?

[CreativeDust]

Hi all! I'm new and I would really like your insight on this situation.

 

Just some back ground information so everyone can understand the whole picture.

 

I'm in a relationship and have been with the same man for 4.5 years and we also live together and have lived together for most of our relationship. I am 30 and he is 38. I also have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship and she lives with us. Anyway, my boyfriend has aways stayed up late, but the longer we have been together, the later he has begun staying up. Most days he wont go to sleep/come to bed til 10, 11 and sometimes nearly 12 in the afternoon. Sometimes there is an earlier time, and that will be around maybe 830 to 9 AM. This naturally has an effect on what time he wakes up (5/6 most days now) and how much time we spend together and interact. He says he has to get his 'me' time in, which i totally understand. What i dont understand is the excessive amount he says he needs. I have tried talking to him about how him staying up so late is affecting our relationship and the way i feel in the most calm way and when i do, it normally escalates because he will go into defense mode. He will also use his 'logic' as he calls it, to , in my opinion, justify why he stays up so late. He doesnt seem to understand how it is affecting our communication, our relationship and just our ability to go out and do things together or spend time together at home. I sometimes feel like he just wants to do what HE wants to do in the relationship and that he doesnt fully consider how his actions have an effect on me and my daughter. He says he suffers from depression, and so i have told him he should consider therapy (i am currently in therapy and feel he would benefit from it). He says there isnt enough money for him to go, but we can definitely afford it. He also recently took over my bulk delivery news paper route so i could begin training for a management position at a hotel i work at. He has been on the route going on a week and a half and is doing well on it. It is a hour drive to get to the newspaper company, he has to be there by 1130 pm and he is still fairly new on the job, so he leaves extra early to get there (between 9-930).

 

Now that you have some back ground information, I will tell you what i need your insight on . This happened this morning after my daughter left for school around 730 .

 

He was sitting on the couch, drinking beer , watching tv and playing a game on his phone, as is his normal routine everyday when he gets off around 330am til whenever he decides to come to bed (this was his routine before he got a job as well). I asked him if he wanted to do something together today since i was off from the hotel. He asked what i wanted to do. I said i wanted to play scrabble with him. He wanted to go get a new game. I want to spend time with him , so i agreed that we would go pick out a new board game and maybe go check out this new rummage place. I suggested we go while my daughter was in school so it could be just the two of us. He said he wasnt willing to wake up until 2 pm. I was annoyed by that because he just automatically assumed our neighbor would watch my daughter (my daughter and her daughter are best friends) even though he already knows she works late on most days and her daughter comes over after school until her mom gets home on most days. I didnt say all that out loud, so instead i said alright and asked him to come cuddle for a few minutes. He said he wasnt sleepy and for me to come on the couch . I didnt want to come on the couch because i am always coming to him, trying to spend time with him / cuddle ect and very rarely is it the other way around. And honestly, i get tired of trying to spend time with him while he plays on the phone or watches tv. I understand he WAS in the middle of doing something, but he does this everyday and i just feel like a few minutes out of his time isnt asking for much. I will stop what im doing for him and sometimes id appreciate the same in return. In hindsight with this , i could have gone on the couch and cuddled, but i chose not to. He said he'd come to bed when he got there. I said ok, but i was still slightly annoyed.

 

I already feel some way about him coming to bed super late because for one he wont wake up at a reasonable time for us to do anything/spend time together/interact /when it's day to watch my daughter when i go to work and two, he wakes me up every time he comes because of loud he is. I guess i finally hit my limit this morning because as i laid there thinking about it, I decided that i was going to set some boundaries right then because emotionally , ive nearly reached my limit with him not trying to see things from my perspective sometimes and always using his logic to trump why i shouldnt feel the way i do and in essence why his 'logic' makes more sense. I got his blanket and pillow and took them out to the living room and laid them on the couch where he was. I said in a calm voice, "On the days you decide to come to bed later than our 8 am agreement, you can sleep on the couch. When you come to bed late , interrupts my sleep." I went back in the room. I wanted to say more, but to avoid a long drawn out argument, i sent him a text instead that said "This is the last time i will say something about this. It just baffles me how you can make sure you get in your daily 'you' time for hours , but you dont put the same effort to make sure you spend time with me daily." He already knows how i feel about this and how i feel about his sleeping habits when hes the one watching my daughter on the days i work 2nd shift. Looking back, i dont even know why i sent the text because it just feels hopeless.

 

He sent a text back that said " Im not gonna try to re-evaluate my logic cus that'll only be wasted words, but your confusion is legitimate and i love you no less. My logic may concern you more than necessary to overlook the strides ive taken gradually to improve myself. You want expeditious results and sacrifice in order for me to be exactly what you can only be comfortable with. To be continued!" He sent another one "And couching me was real left but how can we have a good day if you mad at me the whole time. I agreed to everything you said but because i didnt stop what im doing you feel a way."

 

I texted back " Im not saying you havent taken strides to improve yourself or that im overlooking them. Im just saying i want to spend time with you and i want effort put towards me. Im done saying the same thing over and over and the same thing happening nearly everyday. Sorry you feel that way, but you interrupt my sleep when you come in late as you do and it already bothers me how often you come so late , so for my physical and emotional well being, you should just sleep out there if youre not going to come at a respectful time. And im not mad, im setting boundaries."

 

After i sent that, i laid there and i felt really good for handling myself as calmly as i did and getting my point across without an argument. I also felt more in control of the way I felt because i feel like i set a boundary .

 

When i woke up, he had sent a text and it said " oh really? And this literally makes more sense to you? You've assessed everything in order to make this make sense?"

 

 

If youve made it this far, i truly thank you. When he says stuff like that, it makes me feel like im over reacting or im blowing the whole situation out of proportion. I try my best to see things from his side, and i try to compromise with him. Im not trying to portray him as some terrible man, because i do love him and want to be with him, but i really feel unheard. What are your thoughts on this situation?

[Iggy5129]

Are you confusing am and pm or does he literally stay up all night and not go to bed until 8 in the morning?? You both need to get on a normal sleep schedule.

 

I would not tolerate my bf coming to bed at 8 in the morning (not that he would because he works 8-5). I usually go to bed earlier because I have a long commute but he's in bed by 11pm at the latest. This schedule is not healthy for the both of you or your daughter.

 

Do you both work overnight shifts? If not then why would you mess up your internal clock like this?

 

Besides that he sounds pretty selfish and I wouldn't put up with it either. How can you spend any time together if he's awake at night and sleeps all day? It sounds like you're just roommates and not in a relationship anymore.

[Wiseman2]

Does he work 2 jobs? Or is he watching your daughter evenings and then doing your paper route 1130p-330a?. It sounds like shift work and logistics problems. Separate bedrooms is a good idea if you both work odd hours.

 

Why is he home alone watching your 6 y/o daughter? Where is the father and do you have any family nearby? Everyone needs downtime. Does he usually work nights and sleep days? What are your normal hours?

4.5 years and we also live together.I also have a 6 year old. He also recently took over my bulk delivery news paper route so i could begin training for a management position at a hotel i work at. he has to be there by 1130 pm. his normal routine everyday when he gets off around 330am hes the one watching my daughter on the days i work 2nd shift.

[rosephase]

Wow, it sounds like you two are in it deep on this issue. You both feel resentful. You both feel defensive.

 

Have you tried focusing on what you DO want? Like say: I would really like at least two days a week to be date days. Where we go out of our way to do things together and connect?

 

I'm a person who needs a lot of alone time. And things like a new job (ouch those hours a killer) can really up the amount of time I need alone. I can also understand how it would feel bad to have my partner telling me when I needed to sleep. You guys both have strange schedules. So it sounds like a hard situation. I think it's okay to ask for reassurance that he wants to spend time with you. And it's okay to ask him to step up and help make some time for you to share.

[MissCanuck]

I see that he's got a new position delivering papers, but was he not working before that? Were you supporting him?

[CreativeDust]

Are you confusing am and pm or does he literally stay up all night and not go to bed until 8 in the morning?? You both need to get on a normal sleep schedule.

 

I would not tolerate my bf coming to bed at 8 in the morning (not that he would because he works 8-5). I usually go to bed earlier because I have a long commute but he's in bed by 11pm at the latest. This schedule is not healthy for the both of you or your daughter.

 

Do you both work overnight shifts? If not then why would you mess up your internal clock like this?

 

Besides that he sounds pretty selfish and I wouldn't put up with it either. How can you spend any time together if he's awake at night and sleeps all day? It sounds like you're just roommates and not in a relationship anymore.

 

No I'm not confusing am and pm. He literally stays up from 5 to 6pm til the next day ranging from 8 am to sometimes 12 pm. I used to do 3rd shift (the paper route he has taken over recently ) along with working the hotel on 2nd shift. He has agreed to take on the route so I can train for the hotel manager position. The hotel position will be full time starting next week and I will be a few days on 1st shift and a few days on 2nd shift. I have done the route for 6 years and I am still adjusting my sleep schedule. I am almost back to a normal routine.

 

He won't work on his sleep schedule because he says it's always been him to stay up late.

 

That's how I feel too and I have told him that in the kindest way I know how.

[j.man]

Sleep in separate bedrooms or find a guy who wants to sleep and wake the same minute you do. On an early night, I go to bed maybe 2 hours after my girlfriend. It's generally a few hours more. Alone time is nice, but also so is having a sleep schedule that works for me. One of the few things I refuse to compromise on is doing what I need for a good rest.

 

Really, I don't think it's at all impressive you suddenly just dropped a blanket and pillow on him and left, then starting a text argument when you're literally a room away. In his shoes, I'd have laughed both parts of the off, namely because I don't get kicked out of bed and I don't argue over text. Both are ridiculous. If this is you feeling well about your arguing techniques, I'd hate to see you at your worst.

[j.man]

Also, he took over your paper route? Are the checks being signed to him or is he essentially doing your job? Sorry if I'm misinterpreting... just seems odd to be able to transfer a job like that.

 

Like rosephase, I'm curious if he had a job before this paper route and, if not, how long he was unemployed and being supported for. Those details would weigh pretty heavily on the narrative.

[ParisPaulette]

I don't think you're overreacting, but I think how you handled it wasn't the best way to do it. But I have to ask, was he always up so late before or is this a sudden change? If so, what is he doing up so late? I would worry more about what he's doing in that time than I would anything else. Also why is his schedule so free that he can pick and choose his hours? Doesn't he work? That would be more my concern than anything else.

 

When things have calmed down you need to sit him down at the table and discuss coming up with a schedule you both follow. And if he can't then it may well be time to look at whether or not this is working out, because I can't really figure out why such weird hours either. Is there anything else that doesn't seem right or doesn't sit right with you or is this the only thing? I ask that, because it seems like something else is bothering you beneath the surface.

 

Maybe it's time to sit down and really look all of that over. Do you two live together or is he just at your place all the time? Do you ever spend time together as a couple only anymore? Do he and your daughter get on well and are happy together or are there problems there? What about workload, if he's not working does he do any work around the house or contribute in other ways?

 

These are all very big things to consider as well, because it seems like more is going on than just him coming late to bed.

[CreativeDust]

Does he work 2 jobs? Or is he watching your daughter evenings and then doing your paper route 1130p-330a?. It sounds like shift work and logistics problems. Separate bedrooms is a good idea if you both work odd hours.

 

Why is he home alone watching your 6 y/o daughter? Where is the father and do you have any family nearby? Everyone needs downtime. Does he usually work nights and sleep days? What are your normal hours?

 

No he doesn't work 2 jobs, just one, and that is recent. My daughter's dad lives in another state and he doesn't see or call her as often as he should. Maybe once or twice a month . My bf only watches her when I work 2nd shift at the hotel (3-10 pm, bf will send my daughter to neighbor's house on school nights before he leaves for work and I will get her from there) , even then she is normally running back and forth between home and her friend's house to play and grab a snack here and there. I don't feel comfortable with him sleeping to 5 and 6 in days he is watching my daughter. This is something we both agreed to long ago and it was his idea to watch her so I wouldn't have to find and pay a baby sitter. My dad is the closest but he is always working and never has time to watch her. My mom and other friends and family all live about 30 minutes away. My neighbor is the closest and she does watch her when she's able and I do the same for her daughter. I understand everyone needs down time, I'm all for that! He gets a LOT of down time and it affects the rest of the relationship. He will wake around 5 to 6 pm , use the rest room for a hour or two, eat, watch TV and then leave to go to work, come home maybe around 330 am and stay up ranging from 8 am to 12 pm (most of the time it's from 10 - 11 am) and do it all over again. I have tried sitting down and planning things with him, he says he doesn't want to plan anything bc someone is going to be upset if things fall through. I have tried not planning anything and just going with the flow, we might get 30 minutes of distracted time. I have tried being spontaneous, he's not up to do anything. When I bring it to his attention, I'm over reacting, I want everything to be over the top ect ect. My new work hours will begin next week. I will still work 2nd shift maybe twice or 3 times a week and the remaining hours will be 1st shift. The weeks I do more 1st shift hours, I will have less 2md shift hours. Total will be 38 hours a week.

[MissCanuck]

Are you sue he actually wants to be your boyfriend anymore? He sounds like he's enjoying the roof over his head and the food in his stomach. And that's about it. Are you paying for all of that?

[CreativeDust]

Wow, it sounds like you two are in it deep on this issue. You both feel resentful. You both feel defensive.

 

Have you tried focusing on what you DO want? Like say: I would really like at least two days a week to be date days. Where we go out of our way to do things together and connect?

 

I'm a person who needs a lot of alone time. And things like a new job (ouch those hours a killer) can really up the amount of time I need alone. I can also understand how it would feel bad to have my partner telling me when I needed to sleep. You guys both have strange schedules. So it sounds like a hard situation. I think it's okay to ask for reassurance that he wants to spend time with you. And it's okay to ask him to step up and help make some time for you to share.

 

Yes I have tried focusing on what i do want. I have given ideas of things we can both do together, I have asked him what he wants to do, I have tried to sit down with him so we can find things together. He will agree to sitting down together, but it doesn't happen and when it does, it's a rare occurrence or the plans fall through. I'm not trying to point all fingers in his direction, but a lot of the time the plans falls through because he won't get up early enough and because he will take for ever in the bathroom . I understand everyone has to use the restroom, so I'm not holding that part against him. And I get it's probably not the best feeling in the world to have your partner telling you when to go to bed, but it was his idea in the first place to go to bed at 8 am at the latest and I said that's fine with me. It was also his idea long ago that he'd watch my daughter when I had to work. I hate even mentioning him going to sleep and I onky mention now on days I work 2nd shift. I'm not trying to be his mom and boss him around but good grief! I'm at a loss on what to do.

[Wiseman2]

Agree he sounds like the live-in nanny, not a bf. Not to worry you but should live-in bfs really be watching 6 y/o girls and then have no time for you?

[CreativeDust]

I see that he's got a new position delivering papers, but was he not working before that? Were you supporting him?

 

He had 2 jobs before that, but they didn't last long. Yes I was supporting us during this time and for most of the relationship. I feel like a fool NOW for doing that, so the lesson has been learned. He's a felon and is it's been hard for him to find a job (at least that's what he's told me). I offered him the route a long time ago, but he didn't want to take it. It's only been recently now that I've got a promotion that he's been willing to step up and do the route.

[MissCanuck]

What did he do to get himself convicted as a felon?

 

Sorry to say but it seems pretty clear that you're being taken advantage of and that he's not that interested in being your partner. Why are you tolerating this?

[journeynow]

He goes to bed early. Sounds like he works nights, sleeps days, and when you work evenings he watches your daughter. You two are on different schedules, and it's hard for people two switch back and forth on sleep schedules.

 

You might find it helpful to step back, take a few breaths, and refrain from interpreting his actions. (This" " I was annoyed by that because he just automatically assumed"…if he didn't SAY he assumed it, then don't assume he did. It sounds like he simply stated his sleep schedule for the day.)

 

You want him to be a certain way, but it sounds like he has never been that. It's very hard to work out details when couples are on different schedules. Instead of telling him what you want, how about the two of you TOGETHER brainstorming ideas and possibilities. Brainstorming, meaning accept any options, ideas, suggestions that pop into your head to add to the list for now, no matter how crazy they seem. The idea is to get ideas flowing, and gather them up. From these, something may appear that is worth exploring or tweaking and experimenting with.

[journeynow]

He's a felon

 

Well that's a new detail. Can you tell us more?

[CreativeDust]

Sleep in separate bedrooms or find a guy who wants to sleep and wake the same minute you do. On an early night, I go to bed maybe 2 hours after my girlfriend. It's generally a few hours more. Alone time is nice, but also so is having a sleep schedule that works for me. One of the few things I refuse to compromise on is doing what I need for a good rest.

 

Really, I don't think it's at all impressive you suddenly just dropped a blanket and pillow on him and left, then starting a text argument when you're literally a room away. In his shoes, I'd have laughed both parts of the off, namely because I don't get kicked out of bed and I don't argue over text. Both are ridiculous. If this is you feeling well about your arguing techniques, I'd hate to see you at your worst.

 

I would have preferred to talk in person, but as I stated in my original post, it normally ends in an argument . I do my best to start calm, sometimes I don't, I'm human and make mistakes. Amd I feel proud of myself because it didn't end in shouting as it normally does amd I was able to get my point across clearly.

 

It seems you missed the point as well. He gradually started staying up later and waking up later, and it interferes with daily things that need done on top of us spending time together . I have no problem with him getting alone time or having a sleep schedule that works for him, it's the fact that it is now interfering with a routine we both agreed on. He's even said on numerous occasions that he knows he's acting selfishly because he's leaving me to do the majority of household things along with us not spending time together.

 

I reached my point as I also started in my original post, and so I did what I felt was best at the current time.

[CreativeDust]

Well that's a new detail. Can you tell us more?

 

He was a felon when I met him, and it was when he was in his early twenties. He was homeless and selling drugs and he got caught. I didn't care because of who he was. I also didn't realize how much harder it would be for him to get a job because of it. I still have encouraged him to pick up a trade and tried to help him.

[CreativeDust]

Are you sue he actually wants to be your boyfriend anymore? He sounds like he's enjoying the roof over his head and the food in his stomach. And that's about it. Are you paying for all of that?

 

I have wondered about that and I have asked him before if he still wants the relationship. He assures me he does. Looking at his actions, I feel other wise. I was for pretty much the entire relationship until recently. The contract for the news papers are still in my name until the company gets the new paperwork together for him to sign.

[Wiseman2]

It hard to understand leaving your 6 y/o girl alone with a felon live-in bf, sorry. Please think about getting him out and finding a better childcare situation.

I was supporting us during this time and for most of the relationship. He's a felon and is it's been hard for him to find a job. I offered him the route a long time ago, but he didn't want to take it.

[MissCanuck]

OP, why wouldn't he say he wants this relationship? It benefits him tremendously, and really, what other options does this guy have?

 

He's going to keep telling you he wants to be with you, whether he actually does or not. You're giving him a free ride.

 

I have to say, your concern about setting boundaries over his bedtime vs. having a convicted felon left alone with your child seems...very odd.

[itsallgrand]

What the hell. So he's a felon, he has not been gainfully employed for most of the relationship, he sleeps all day and drinks beer all night, you let him move in and stay with you AND you have a young daughter living in this mix?!

 

Do you really need someone to tell you what's wrong with this?

[CreativeDust]

He goes to bed early. Sounds like he works nights, sleeps days, and when you work evenings he watches your daughter. You two are on different schedules, and it's hard for people two switch back and forth on sleep schedules.

 

You might find it helpful to step back, take a few breaths, and refrain from interpreting his actions. (This" " I was annoyed by that because he just automatically assumed"…if he didn't SAY he assumed it, then don't assume he did. It sounds like he simply stated his sleep schedule for the day.)

 

You want him to be a certain way, but it sounds like he has never been that. It's very hard to work out details when couples are on different schedules. Instead of telling him what you want, how about the two of you TOGETHER brainstorming ideas and possibilities. Brainstorming, meaning accept any options, ideas, suggestions that pop into your head to add to the list for now, no matter how crazy they seem. The idea is to get ideas flowing, and gather them up. From these, something may appear that is worth exploring or tweaking and experimenting with.

 

 

 

He's been a night owl since I've known him, but even before he started doing the route, he'd stay up all night and into the morning and it's just gotten later and later (both his waking and sleep time). I'm not upset that he's a night owl, because that's somethin I already knew, I'm upset because he will stay up even when he's falling asleep and continue watching TV and drinking ect. and It's now gotten to the point where it's interfering with daily things. I'm sorry I wasn't clear, but he told me the neighbor could watch my daughter, without knowing her work schedule. So I feel like he was relying on her just being there without knowing and it turns out she had to work.

 

I agree with the brain storming and I have tried that on many occasions. We'll talk about stuff, sometimes even make plans but they fall through bc he won't get up or he'll change his mind, won't like the weather ect or end up havin to use the restroom (I don't hold this against him bc that's nature lol) and sometimes it's on my end as well. He says he's not a spontaneous person and he likes to know whats going on and then he'll say he doesn't want to make plans bc someone is going to get mad if they fall through. I'm lost on what to do in that department.

[CreativeDust]

What the hell. So he's a felon, he has not been gainfully employed for most of the relationship, he sleeps all day and drinks beer all night, you let him move in and stay with you AND you have a young daughter living in this mix?!

 

Do you really need someone to tell you what's wrong with this?

 

Looking at the situation NOW it's different. I felt differently in the beginning. I believed things wouldn't stay the same, so that was my fault. Amd in the beginning he was different. Yes he'd still drink, but he made wayyyyy more effort to find a job and be involved and all that. His behavior has changed over time and that's why it's now a problem. I'm sure me being as easy going about the whole thing didn't help either, but I believed differently based on what he showed me in the beginning.