Help! What Is the REAL Reason My Ex Called Me Again??

[avoidatallcost]

Hi guys, I apologize in advance for the long post that follows. Part of this is to just get this all off my chest..

 

Me and my ex girlfriend, who I believe may have had some mental problems, broke up two months ago. I originally posted about this three months ago when we first broke up. I posted, got it off my chest, and then went strict NC. But a couple days ago my ex called me again.

 

We had only dated for three months, but we spent a lot of time together and things had gotten pretty serious and very fast. She consistently tore out my heart, constantly broke up with me over what I thought were rather silly issues. She once started an argument over a nutrition label, and another time she broke up with me because I refused to throw out an old porn dvd. After only about a month or two together she also demanded access to my laptop and iphone passwords.

 

During some of these breakups I found refuge with an ex of mine. At the time it was the only way I felt I could maintain my sanity. There were times I felt I needed to leave for good, but I loved her intensely and always went back stupidly thinking it could work. She manipulated me to the point that I kept coming back, and In the process I hurt myself, my friendships, and my family.

 

Well anyways, she found out about the cheating by finding out the number of the other woman and calling her. All hell broke loose, and she came to my house and after a big blowout she cried and yelled at me and basically stormed out telling me to never call her again or she'd call the police.

 

At this point she blocked me everywhere and let me know it.

 

I went NC. Two weeks later, we met up at local mall. She told me we are on a break. She cried, I cried, basically I asked her not to do anything too crazy. She unblocked me.. I messaged her that night but she never responded which I thought was weird, but understandable considering what I had put her through. She then went to Mexico, and when she came back I called her several times and when she finally called me back we had a terrible conversation in which she told me she had had sex with some guy while on vacation.

 

At this point, we got into an argument and she once again blocked me. Her last words to me at that point were that she was not yet ready to talk to me and that she'd contact me when she was ready.

 

At that point I went strict NC. I didn't really have a choice as I was blocked everywhere again.

 

So anyway.. three months of NC went by. Never heard from her. I thought about her all the time, and after the first month or two I lost all hope I'd ever hear from her again.

 

The other day, out of the blue, she called me. You can probably guess how shocked I was to hear from her after almost three months of total silences. She said she needed help, she asked me if I could correct a personal statement she had written for some upcoming beauty pageant she is participating in. I told her of course I would. I asked her if she was ok, and she asked me how I was doing and what was new. We talked a bit, and she told me the last three months since the breakup she had been depressed. She cried a few times. So the conversation was short, and after we were done I got to work and corrected her personal statement. I wrote her an email asking her what does she think of my corrections, and that I was happy to hear from her as I had been very worried about her. However, after sending the email I realized I accidently forgot to attach the document with the corrections.

 

We spoke again the next day. It was a much longer conversation, and we really caught up. She told me she was heading out to a job interview late in the evening for a club bottle service hostess position. So I said to her, why doesn't she come over after and I can prepare her a healthy meal like old times? (in the past I prepared our meals when we worked out because when i'm on a cut I need to know what goes in my food). She said she had been overseas working as a flight attendant and wanted to see her family as she had not seen them for a couple days. I told her ok sure, no problem let me know after you're done. She never called.

 

This was a couple days ago. She has not said anything about the missing corrections which was the whole point of her getting in touch with me, yet I know she read my email because she referred to some things I had mentioned in it during our second conversation.

What is going on here? I know I am probably overthinking this but I need to get some advice from you guys before I decide to either try to move on, or hope that we might get back together.

 

1. Is she testing the waters to see if I am still willing to see her?

2. Did she just need help with her corrections and it was all business?

3. Did she message me just because she was lonely and missed me?

4. Did she message me just to see if I still loved her and to torture me more?

 

I find it strange she refused to see me after not having seen each other for 3 months. And I'm not totally sure, but I think her excuse not to see me was kind of a poor one because who is going to see their family at 10 pm on a Wednesday and especially since they all live together anyway? And it had only been a couple days since she saw them whereas she has not seen me for almost 3 months. But I don't know maybe it's true. Or maybe she just isn't ready yet or even willing to see me at all.

I'm thinking she might be cautious about getting involved again. Does she still have feelings? Can she be still in love with me or has she moved on?

 

So upset here. Please give me some clarity. I love her, but I can't go through the pain of being treated like an emotional tampon and being used for when she needs me. Not sure if it helps, but I did not make any of the more classic mistakes that generally seem to repel exes when you want to get back together with them: other than asking her to come by and that it had been a while since I had seen her, I didn't tell her I loved her, or missed her, or that I needed her and I certainly didn't cry.

[SadSadgirl]

she was lonely and sad and used the corrections thing as an excuse

[avoidatallcost]

she was lonely and sad and used the corrections thing as an excuse

 

I haven't heard from her since the phone call, it's been several days. I would have thought' she'd message me by now asking me about the corrections which I mistakenly forgot to attach to the email I sent her, and which was seemingly the purpose of her call in the first place.. what do I do now to get her back?

[jujusamples]

This is going to be hard for you to hear but I say, you forget about WHY she contacted you. You dated 3 months, the relationship was so toxic in the 3 months you dated her! I think you should really stick to no contact and really work on your self esteem. You should seek some therapy to figure out why you are so obsesses with drama and to figure out some of your underlying issues.

 

That's my advice, stop focusing on why she contacted you. You two broke up and I believe it's for the better. Leave it as that or else you will never move on. You really need to move on from her.

 

It does not help you either to play the guessing game. You should just focus on what is, the fact that you are no longer with her.

[Heart of gold]

I'm going to say that obviously there are feelings on both sides. Take the bull by the horn and have the conversation with her. Both of you can be honest and upfront about what it is you want. Then you can maybe start again? Get to know each other from scratch but if any of the old problems arise then you need to let it go once and for all. No forwards and backwards then.

[MissCanuck]

Only 3 months and all that drama? That is not normal and it's not healthy.

 

Let her stay gone. This won't ever work, there's too much toxicity and too much resentment on both sides.

[WombatShadow]

You talked about cheating, but said that you only sought refuge with your ex-ex during the breakups your now-ex instituted. That's not cheating; if she broke up with you, you were perfectly free to have sex/dinner/phone calls with whomever you chose. It's incredibly toxic behavior to break up with someone at the drop of a hat only to take them right back and get mad at whatever happened during the breakup.

 

Also, that thing about the beauty pageant sounds a lot like a subtle brag, especially when combined with the flight attendant stuff. "Yeah, I'm so self-assured in my hotness and talent that I'm going to do this beauty pageant, also by the way my job has been taking me to these exotic places so I haven't really had time to be at home for a little while, isn't that awesome? But I'm switching jobs so I can stay home; now I'm going to try and work for this exclusive club..." And, now that she's put these bugs into your brain, she's cutting off contact. Why? A few reasons: she's trying to make herself/you feel like she's above you; she's trying to worm her way back into your life; or she just wants the confidence that comes when she knows you're thinking/obsessing over her.

 

Don't give her the pleasure, regardless of which of these is the truth.

[Wiseman2]

To be honest, even though it was a hot and heavy infatuation in the 3 mos, she sounds a bit cuckoo and you need to block her from all messaging and social media.

[avoidatallcost]

I'm writing here because she just facetimed me. All the emotions are coming out, I'm crying as I sit here and write this. I didn't answer, but I'm afraid now she will think I didn't answer because I'm with another woman.

 

God give me the strength to stay strong and not reply to her.

[SadSadgirl]

I'm writing here because she just facetimed me. All the emotions are coming out, I'm crying as I sit here and write this. I didn't answer, but I'm afraid now she will think I didn't answer because I'm with another woman.

 

God give me the strength to stay strong and not reply to her.

 

don't reply. she sees what she missed out on and it's too late.

[Wiseman2]

Block her if this is happening. Who cares if she thinks this?

I'm afraid now she will think I didn't answer because I'm with another woman.

[Enotalogy]

If hearing from her making "emotions come out" then the emotions were already there. Maybe fight for her. Be a man. "Cuckoo" is code for HOT. If you want a hot woman be a man and handle (tame) your broad

[avoidatallcost]

If hearing from her making "emotions come out" then the emotions were already there. Maybe fight for her. Be a man. "Cuckoo" is code for HOT. If you want a hot woman be a man and handle (tame) your broad

 

Ok but how? We are now talking.. I'm trying to get her to meet up with me but she keeps saying she is extremely busy with photo shoots or modeling events etc. Clearly this is bs, but I'm not sure if she just doesn't want to see me.. or if she is just trying to make me work hard for her. I suspect it is the latter.. but I'm not absolutely certain, it may just be wishful thinking on my part.

 

For example: after having several nice conversations and texting pleasantly quite a bit, yesterday I finally pulled my move and I asked her to come over and spend the night. And if not, hey let's just meet up. After hiding (or at least trying to hide) my feelings I finally told her I had really missed her.

 

Haven't heard from her since, and this was yesterday afternoon. But yet - she didn't give me an outright refusal along the lines of "we are no longer together so that won't be happening."

 

Aarrgh. How do I play this cool and yet get her to finally meet up? Should I just act cool and not ask her again, and just work on building attraction? How do I rebuild attraction with her after everything that happened without being placed firmly in the friend zone? Appreciate all pointers and advice!

[wanderingny]

You have a big heart. You don't need someone using that heart as their doormat. Where she can kick off the mud as she pleases and then walk along. I am generally a optimist about these situations, but think about this girl pragmatically not emotionally.

 

The power of NC comes from your growth from it. It may help protect you from getting hurt, but the end goal invariably is to learn about yourself. If you are NC and she knows that, then the only reasons she should contact you are: 1) To reconcile 2) To fulfill her own selfish needs (guilt or fear of missing out)

 

Either way I wouldn't even concern yourself with either until you can speak on the matter without getting emotional. You seem like a great guy, and you don't deserve to be jerked around. Learn about what you need during this NC and I have no doubt that you will be strong enough to get through all of this.

[boltnrun]

I do have to ask, if you're so crazy about her why did you cheat on her?

 

And if you want her back, why ask her to spend the night? That makes it sound like you're after sex.

[avoidatallcost]

I do have to ask, if you're so crazy about her why did you cheat on her?

 

I cheated because when we started dating we had sex.. unprotected three times. Then at that point she told me we couldn't have sex for three months, because she had once had chlamydia and needed to make sure I did not have any sti's before getting tested (apparently, according to her sti's such as chlamydia have a 3 month incubation period which you can have it yet it won't show up in blood tests so you have to wait for before getting tested).

 

I thought this was bs, especially since we had already had unprotected sex three times. I felt she was just having trust issues, and was just testing me to see if I would put up with her bs and wait around for her. Basically to see if I was just using her for sex (which honestly I was not).

 

I knew she was bs'ing me. During this time of no sex (she ended up making me wait only a month or so, which again indicates to me it had nothing to do with sti's or blood tests), we had some bad arguments where she would storm out of my house. She broke up with me for the first time during this time, for like a day. One day we were in bed and I brought up the issue about no sex, and she got so angry at me, saying "i thought you said you understood!" that she got up, picked up her things, and left my house. She later called me crying and broke up with me over this.

 

During this crazy time I went back to my ex and we had sex. I figured the girl I was dating was not serious, and I was still confused as to which girl to go steady with. After a while, I was monogamous with the current gf (now my ex) and this continued until she broke up with me a couple more times. After one of these break ups, she asked me if I wanted exclusivity with her? I told her there was no point in me being monogamous and loyal to her if she was just going to break up with me over the silliest of issues. I couldn't even bring up issues without her getting extremely mad and storming out of my house.

 

It's like she had a severe emotional dysregulation problem..

 

And I know here 3 month wait for sex was pure bs because she told me that after we broke up she went to mexico and had sex with some dude.

 

And if you want her back, why ask her to spend the night? That makes it sound like you're after sex.

 

Well the thing is, at first I asked her just to meet up. But that particular day she was working an event that was in the next city to mine (she lives two cities away from me) so because she was relatively close to me I suggested she stop by my house afterward because it was late and I would make her something to eat. It was something we done dozens of times during our relationship: she would work an event, then come to my house afterward where I would cook her a meal and we would go to bed. I said it more out of routine than any need to have sex with her.

 

I also wanted to at least try to have her come back to my place because I thought if we met somewhere public it might just increase the chances of me being friendzoned permanently, which of course I don't want to do.

[Enotalogy]

You keep referring to everything she says as "b.s." You saying she's a liar. I wouldn't want you either. And question why you'd want her? You just like her looks, obviously. Apologize and forever forward BELIEVE HER or let her go find someone worth her words

[avoidatallcost]

You keep referring to everything she says as "b.s." You saying she's a liar. I wouldn't want you either. And question why you'd want her? You just like her looks, obviously. Apologize and forever forward BELIEVE HER or let her go find someone worth her words

 

Well the thing is I didnt confirm for sure it was bs what she told me till after the breakup.

 

So anyways.. a week ago today i texted her asking about her facetiming me, and whether she wanted to talk. She said she just wanted to go over her presentation with me. I sensed she might have have been upset that i didnt answer her facetime call - maybe she thought i didnt answer because i was with another woman.

 

So while texting each other i told her id probably be going to europe april 30, and for her to get me whatever corrections she needed done by then. She's said was i going for sure? I said it looks likely yes, and to get me her materials by then if she could. I also told her it would be nice to meet up before i left, and for the first time since we started talking again i told her i had really missed her. She never responded..

 

So i was all confused again. Well not really because by now i know she is either mentally deranged or just trying to make me suffer.. or most likely a mix of the two.

 

So i wait a few days, but today i caved and imessaged her. I told her i didnt go on the trip after all due to some new work project that came up, and for her to call me if she could.

 

She didnt respond, but yet she did not block me like she usually would have. What the heck is going on here? Is she just enjoying making me suffer and have me text her while she doesnt respond? What kind of person messages you after 3 months of NC, asks for help correcting something, and doesnt even bother checking the corrections or whether she even received the requests corrections? Then when i message her a week later she doesnt respond yet doesnt block me?

 

So confused trying to figure out what is going on here for sure.

[boltnrun]

She's not forcing you to message her.