I broke hard NC after 7 months (B I G M I S T A K E)

[Dominique]

Yes. We will.

[thornz]

Excellent!. Yes new pics and rewrite your profile and heading and review your settings. Agree it's very hit and miss and many one-and-done coffee meets happens. Pace yourself. Have you constructed a good opening message template for contacting women on Match?

 

I would advise against the template unless it's a very basic one that you will add to for every person you contact. It's abundantly transparent when you are messaged with a template and I wouldn't even bother responding. It actually quite annoyed me when I received those type of messages and even the well thought out ones have the distinct impression that the sender was lazy, a player and superficial.

 

A person wants to hear something in your message that they can relate to. Make sure you have enough detail on your profile but that it's concise. A few different pics that include hobbies or convey a realistic impression of your personality. Do not have more than one selfie, pictures of yourself and members of the opposite sex (mum or sister etc is particularly weird) unless in a group, topless photos even if you're buff unless seeking flings.

[JustinPonders]

I would advise against the template unless it's a very basic one that you will add to for every person you contact. It's abundantly transparent when you are messaged with a template and I wouldn't even bother responding. It actually quite annoyed me when I received those type of messages and even the well thought out ones have the distinct impression that the sender was lazy, a player and superficial.

 

A person wants to hear something in your message that they can relate to. Make sure you have enough detail on your profile but that it's concise. A few different pics that include hobbies or convey a realistic impression of your personality. Do not have more than one selfie, pictures of yourself and members of the opposite sex (mum or sister etc is particularly weird) unless in a group, topless photos even if you're buff unless seeking flings.

 

Can you perhaps give sone examples of what kind of message youd take serious written to you? And what kind of pictures do you like the man to have and what kind of profiles do you enjoy reading? Plz, examples, examples, examples! Lol, thank you sweetie

[saluk]

Just because you have been alone for much time before doesn't mean you know how to be alone now. Especially after becoming emotionally entangled, you do need some time to become yourself again and not be so quick to try and replace what you feel you lost. Only 7 months out, and considering how you were still very recently hoping for a reconciliation, and then reaching out and breaking NC again against your own best judgement, you are clearly not in that stage yet.

[JustinPonders]

Well, it's been weird with me for the past couple days. It's like I still have my up and down moments, more so today. But lately I've still been mentally tormented that I can't ever speak with her. Just something inside me is not letting her go. It's like I know the bad side to her but for some reason the good side is still overriding the bad side. I just feel like I have no closure, even though there is no such thing. I just wish she could call me and we can at least talk like 2 mature adults. Not necessarily to get back or anything just to not feel like the woman that I still love doesn't hate my guts.

 

And to be honest, I've been checking her facebook from a fake account but only to see what shes been liking lately. She still has me blocked on my real fb account and her fb is private so i can't see anything but liked articles and what not. She liked a relationship article that basically mentions to NEVER go back to someone that has left you and it goes on for paragraphs why you shouldn't ever go back. And I'm certain that that particular someone was me that she was thinking about because I was the one that broke up with her. And to be honest when I broke up with her I had a good reason but the problem was I handled the whole situation so poorly that I ended up looking like the bad person. Of course I totally regretted the breakup, hence my dilemma. I'll be honest its articles like that that really irritate me because all they're doing is preventing her from reaching out to me. Not because I want to be selfish or anything but that it generalizes EVERYONE who broke up with their partners as BAD PEOPLE and untrustworthy and that's simply NOT TRUE. There are those who learn from their situations, such as myself.

 

I've learned soooo much since the breakup. I've learned the value of never taking someone for granted and to let small, petty things go and to keep calm and cool as much as possible and to communicate in a mature way. So basically she will never get to see that side of me anymore. I know most of you will say you can display that to your future partner but that future partner is not here and I don't even know if I'll ever find one that I was in to as much as my ex, tbh. She was rare in a sense that she was incredibly beautiful, sexy, funny and we had a lot of things in common and our families know each other. Any hoot, just wanted to give yall a small update and give me a chance to vent a little. Today was pretty much a lazy, lousy day cause I really thought about her a lot, so much so that I didn't work and came home and just hopped on my pc and played games just to stop thinking about her. Thank you for reading

[thornz]

Can you perhaps give sone examples of what kind of message youd take serious written to you? And what kind of pictures do you like the man to have and what kind of profiles do you enjoy reading? Plz, examples, examples, examples! Lol, thank you sweetie

 

Sorry I wrote a lengthy response to this but it disappeared. Feel free to add the text from your profile for us to vet and I will get back to you with a proper response later.

[saluk]

Well, it's been weird with me for the past couple days. It's like I still have my up and down moments, more so today. But lately I've still been mentally tormented that I can't ever speak with her. Just something inside me is not letting her go. It's like I know the bad side to her but for some reason the good side is still overriding the bad side. I just feel like I have no closure, even though there is no such thing. I just wish she could call me and we can at least talk like 2 mature adults. Not necessarily to get back or anything just to not feel like the woman that I still love doesn't hate my guts.

 

And to be honest, I've been checking her facebook from a fake account but only to see what shes been liking lately. She still has me blocked on my real fb account and her fb is private so i can't see anything but liked articles and what not. She liked a relationship article that basically mentions to NEVER go back to someone that has left you and it goes on for paragraphs why you shouldn't ever go back. And I'm certain that that particular someone was me that she was thinking about because I was the one that broke up with her. And to be honest when I broke up with her I had a good reason but the problem was I handled the whole situation so poorly that I ended up looking like the bad person. Of course I totally regretted the breakup, hence my dilemma. I'll be honest its articles like that that really irritate me because all they're doing is preventing her from reaching out to me. Not because I want to be selfish or anything but that it generalizes EVERYONE who broke up with their partners as BAD PEOPLE and untrustworthy and that's simply NOT TRUE. There are those who learn from their situations, such as myself.

 

I've learned soooo much since the breakup. I've learned the value of never taking someone for granted and to let small, petty things go and to keep calm and cool as much as possible and to communicate in a mature way. So basically she will never get to see that side of me anymore. I know most of you will say you can display that to your future partner but that future partner is not here and I don't even know if I'll ever find one that I was in to as much as my ex, tbh. She was rare in a sense that she was incredibly beautiful, sexy, funny and we had a lot of things in common and our families know each other. Any hoot, just wanted to give yall a small update and give me a chance to vent a little. Today was pretty much a lazy, lousy day cause I really thought about her a lot, so much so that I didn't work and came home and just hopped on my pc and played games just to stop thinking about her. Thank you for reading

 

You've got to stop checking the facebook. Every time you look at what she is doing, that's a form of contact - even if she doesn't see it. From your point of view it is a step backward. Who are you to judge what she is reading in order to try and get over things? She has her own process, as do you. Your own process is going to take a lot longer if you keep looking in the rear view mirror instead inside yourself and on the road ahead.

 

Her reaching out to you would not give you closure. An alcoholic trying to quit drinking doesn't get closure from a "one last drink".

 

It's not about weighing her good points and her bad points anymore. It is about the psychological addiction you have formed in the attachment to her. It has nothing to do with her at this point and is completely in your own mind.

 

If you had a good reason to break up with her you had a good reason. Regretting something isn't always a sign that it was a mistake. It just means that you hurt. Looking like a bad person doesn't mean you are.

 

You never know what may happen in the future. Speculating on whether you will find someone you like as much as her is a fools errand - especially while you are still lovesick. Of course you can't conceive of loving again NOW while you are still putting so much energy into pining for her. The time will come where you will be able to conceive of it... but only if you go cold turkey. You have to cut off ALL contact. Looking at her facebook. Reading old text messages (delete them!). Looking through old photos. Walking by somewhere that you had a good time with her on purpose in order to remember that time. All of these things will just pull the chains around you tighter.

[Dominique]

you've got to stop checking the facebook. Every time you look at what she is doing, that's a form of contact - even if she doesn't see it. From your point of view it is a step backward. Who are you to judge what she is reading in order to try and get over things? She has her own process, as do you. Your own process is going to take a lot longer if you keep looking in the rear view mirror instead inside yourself and on the road ahead.

 

Her reaching out to you would not give you closure. An alcoholic trying to quit drinking doesn't get closure from a "one last drink".

 

It's not about weighing her good points and her bad points anymore. It is about the psychological addiction you have formed in the attachment to her. It has nothing to do with her at this point and is completely in your own mind.

 

If you had a good reason to break up with her you had a good reason. Regretting something isn't always a sign that it was a mistake. It just means that you hurt. Looking like a bad person doesn't mean you are.

 

You never know what may happen in the future. Speculating on whether you will find someone you like as much as her is a fools errand - especially while you are still lovesick. Of course you can't conceive of loving again now while you are still putting so much energy into pining for her. The time will come where you will be able to conceive of it... But only if you go cold turkey. You have to cut off all contact. Looking at her facebook. Reading old text messages (delete them!). Looking through old photos. Walking by somewhere that you had a good time with her on purpose in order to remember that time. All of these things will just pull the chains around you tighter.

 

i completely agree!

[JustinPonders]

You've got to stop checking the facebook. Every time you look at what she is doing, that's a form of contact - even if she doesn't see it. From your point of view it is a step backward. Who are you to judge what she is reading in order to try and get over things? She has her own process, as do you. Your own process is going to take a lot longer if you keep looking in the rear view mirror instead inside yourself and on the road ahead.

 

Her reaching out to you would not give you closure. An alcoholic trying to quit drinking doesn't get closure from a "one last drink".

 

It's not about weighing her good points and her bad points anymore. It is about the psychological addiction you have formed in the attachment to her. It has nothing to do with her at this point and is completely in your own mind.

 

If you had a good reason to break up with her you had a good reason. Regretting something isn't always a sign that it was a mistake. It just means that you hurt. Looking like a bad person doesn't mean you are.

 

You never know what may happen in the future. Speculating on whether you will find someone you like as much as her is a fools errand - especially while you are still lovesick. Of course you can't conceive of loving again NOW while you are still putting so much energy into pining for her. The time will come where you will be able to conceive of it... but only if you go cold turkey. You have to cut off ALL contact. Looking at her facebook. Reading old text messages (delete them!). Looking through old photos. Walking by somewhere that you had a good time with her on purpose in order to remember that time. All of these things will just pull the chains around you tighter.

 

It's amazing how the human mind behaves when it comes to strong ex attachments, such as mine. It simply blows my mind, to be honest, that I've attached myself so hard to this one woman. I mean I simply cannot, for the life of me, pin-point why this is so and I've done trying to figure it out because I can't. On the surface, absolutely I want to move on so bad, but somewhere, deep within my mind, something is going on that is making it so incredibly hard for me to let this woman go. I've tried reasoning, logic, countless-countless prayers, writing and reading articles or forums, audio tapes, positive thinking, work, hobbies, dating but nothing seems to make these uncontrollable feelings of nostalgia and regret go away. It's scary, to be honest. I mean I certainly wasn't as bad as I once was. But those feelings still resonate. I suppose I just need more time.

 

As far as her fb is concern, again, she has me blocked on my main account and her fb is set to private so I can't find out anything about her other than her latest profile pic and liked articles/posts. And yes, even those subtle changes actually effect me, good or bad, but it's my only form of connection to her. And even though it's the worst thing to do, and I know it's so wrong, I guess it's my way of not wanting to forget her or let her go. It's like I'm afraid to let her go so I check her fb in a way to reconnect with her to find out her state of mind (posts she has liked). She does on occasion like posts breakup related and most recent was the article stating to never go back to ex's that broke up with you because they'll never change. Oddly enough I liked and hated this because for one thing at least I knew she was thinking of me but bad that she is convincing herself more and more that I'm simply not worth the time and effort. Either way it's bad, I know, but again, it's just my way of coping.

 

You are right though, I need to stop this altogether and I'm going to stop from now on because it's not helping me at all. I'm simply wasting my time, energy and emotional well being pinning my hopes on this woman. She simply doesn't want me anymore. She's moved on and I'm just in a state of hell regretting my past mistakes with her. Either way I lost a lot of myself. This whole situation was just horrible. My whole life changed post-breakup, literally. It's like where I once saw life in color I now see in black & white, sadly. I guess slowly the colors are coming back but it's not vibrant by any means like it once was. I wish I never, ever met this woman, like honestly. It was the biggest set-back in my life. If I could go back in time I would absolutely change ever met her.

 

As far as me meeting someone new that can knock my socks off, well, I can't say I won't but I can't say I will because logic tells me the odds are against me. But what do I know, I'm still stuck in my own narrow-minded box.

 

I do appreciate your post because you are right, so right. It did make me realize that I shouldn't be snooping in her fb anymore because it's not helping me to move on. Thank you. But ya, life is so incredibly strange, I'll tell ya. It's like it's a dream.

[saluk]

No need to understand why right now. It happened, focus on untangling yourself and getting your freedom back!

 

I can only comment with the authority I did because I've been there. The turning points were when I deleted things, blocked things. The times I moved backward were when I looked her up or talked to friends of friends to see how she was doing etc.

 

Coming through it I can look back at it and see it as the kind of madness that it was. But it was so hard to see that from inside - so I understand where you are coming from. It took me years. A big part of that is I still saw her every week (we went to the same church). I also had seen our relationship as kind of the last chance for me, after a string of rejections. It's taken some time to see that narrative as one that I had come up with myself and ascribed to the situation which had no basis in reality. I am a person with a strong imagination, and to an extent what you believe about yourself is what becomes true.

 

It sounds like you have tried a lot of things... but you keep coming back. Going on a diet isn't going to help you lose weight if you only diet during the week and then gorge yourself on the weekend.

 

You can get the color back. And look, clearly things weren't completely right in your relationship. Regardless of whether she was who you have loved the most so far or whatever, things had broken down to the point that you felt you should end it. That doesn't just happen. Maybe things could have gone differently - but how do you know that if you had never split, if the color wouldn't have slowly drained away anyway? Or it would have ended for some other reason somewhere down the road? You don't know what the other path looks like - maybe you are on the best possible one.

 

Maybe you need this time to grow into the person who will be able to sustain a better relationship somewhere down the line in your life. I know I needed it. When I look back on the relationship that hurt me the most, it seems silly that I wanted to save it so bad. It was nice, but there are a lot of things that I would hope to have in a relationship that I didn't quite have there. And that I probably couldn't have had with that person. One thing that helped me, and maybe it might help you, is to come up with a wish list of things that you want in a relationship. Try hard to come up with things that she didn't give you. Sure, no relationship is perfect. But maybe you can, eventually, find someone who actually meets more of your needs than she did? Or someone who, maybe don't bring about some of the same good qualities, but emphasize other ones that were lacking?

[JustinPonders]

It's really hard because I feel like in the last 11 months I've taken 1 step forward, 2 steps back. Most of which is my own negative self-doing, unfortunately. Hope is not a good thing to go on, like honestly. They say ask God and God shall provide. Well, I'm still waiting...But in the meanwhile I need to keep moving forward and work on myself because my life as I know it is really, really, reeeeeeeally bland and I need to spice it up because I'm getting awfully bored.

[boltnrun]

Isn't there something you've always wanted to do? Some place you've always wanted to go?

 

Do it or go there! None of this "but I wanted to share those things with HER!!" Nope, you can go do whatever you want.

[annie24]

Do you actually miss *her* or do you miss having a gf to go do things with?

[Dominique]

It's really hard because I feel like in the last 11 months I've taken 1 step forward, 2 steps back. Most of which is my own negative self-doing, unfortunately. Hope is not a good thing to go on, like honestly. They say ask God and God shall provide. Well, I'm still waiting...But in the meanwhile I need to keep moving forward and work on myself because my life as I know it is really, really, reeeeeeeally bland and I need to spice it up because I'm getting awfully bored.

I understand. Keep moving forward. It will produce results.

[JustinPonders]

It's just life is boring now. When I was with her I had a companion to do things with. It's just unfortunate that I can't seem to find someone I can click with. I mean don't get me wrong I like my alone time but too much of my life has been alone time. I want to now share more of my life with someone better compatible and just move on with my life already. My brothers and sister, cousins are all happily married and for many years with kids and I'm the only moron still single. It's really embarrassing but oh well. It's not for me to decide who comes in my life. I can only do so much. The rest is up to the man upstairs. All I know is I'm sick of being alone all the time. I'm going to make more of an effort to go out and mingle, but man, just the thought of that seems like a drag, It's not like I'm a spring chicken anymore so this is going to take a lot of my energy and willpower to do, lol. Dam you EX, DAAAAAAM YOUUUUUU. Why must have you forsaken me!?!? lol, okay I'm just being silly now.

[annie24]

It's just life is boring now. When I was with her I had a companion to do things with. It's just unfortunate that I can't seem to find someone I can click with. I mean don't get me wrong I like my alone time but too much of my life has been alone time. I want to now share more of my life with someone better compatible and just move on with my life already. My brothers and sister, cousins are all happily married and for many years with kids and I'm the only moron still single. It's really embarrassing but oh well. It's not for me to decide who comes in my life. I can only do so much. The rest is up to the man upstairs. All I know is I'm sick of being alone all the time. I'm going to make more of an effort to go out and mingle, but man, just the thought of that seems like a drag, It's not like I'm a spring chicken anymore so this is going to take a lot of my energy and willpower to do, lol. Dam you EX, DAAAAAAM YOUUUUUU. Why must have you forsaken me!?!? lol, okay I'm just being silly now.

 

I think sometimes we miss having a partner to do things with rather than our actual ex. Keep hold of that idea when you find yourself backsliding. Get out there and mingle and try to meet new women.

[JustinPonders]

Oh lord, I'm getting a strong urge now to check her fb!!!!! Plz stop me!!!! Gawwwd, hate this

[Dominique]

Oh lord, I'm getting a strong urge now to check her fb!!!!! Plz stop me!!!! Gawwwd, hate this

 

I understand how you feel. I miss my ex too. Doing things together. I don't miss having a partner. I'm fine being alone. I miss my ex.

 

I had to almost sit on my hands last night to keep myself from texting my ex. But I didn't. Text her in the "don't text your ex" thread. That has helped me stay the course this last several days of NC.

 

Did you FB her?

[JustinPonders]

Oh lord, I'm getting a strong urge now to check her fb!!!!! Plz stop me!!!! Gawwwd, hate this

 

I understand how you feel. I miss my ex too. Doing things together. I don't miss having a partner. I'm fine being alone. I miss my ex.

 

I had to almost sit on my hands last night to keep myself from texting my ex. But I didn't. Text her in the "don't text your ex" thread. That has helped me stay the course this last several days of NC.

 

Did you FB her?

 

No sweetie. I just started playing a game online and took my mind off of it. Thank Gawd! I hate the feeling afterwards after checking her fb.

[Dominique]

 

No sweetie. I just started playing a game online and took my mind off of it. Thank Gawd! I hate the feeling afterwards after checking her fb.

 

I'm so proud of you!

 

I had similar struggle today...and will for the next few days. But I am determined not to "go there". It will make me feel worse... I already feel bad enough. I don't need to feel worse. I'm committed to not feeling any worse....if I feel the same as I do right now forever (which is HORRIBLE) ... It is still better than being rejected or hurt again feeling that loss all over and feeling WORSE.

[JustinPonders]

 

I'm so proud of you!

 

I had similar struggle today...and will for the next few days. But I am determined not to "go there". It will make me feel worse... I already feel bad enough. I don't need to feel worse. I'm committed to not feeling any worse....if I feel the same as I do right now forever (which is HORRIBLE) ... It is still better than being rejected or hurt again feeling that loss all over and feeling WORSE.

 

Boy, you're not kidding. Ya, I was really, really missing her a few hours ago. It's like a part of me simply can't accept she's gone. It's like I was so comfortable with her when we were together that I guess I got too comfortable, to the point where I started neglecting the poor girl. She was not perfect by any stretch. She had a lot of issues, but those were things we could've worked on, but instead I screwed everything up and now she can care less about me. Anyway, it is what it is. Hope you start doing better Dominique. You seem like a very sweet and lovable person. I truly, truly hope you reach your closure faster than me.

[Dominique]

 

Boy, you're not kidding. Ya, I was really, really missing her a few hours ago. It's like a part of me simply can't accept she's gone. It's like I was so comfortable with her when we were together that I guess I got too comfortable, to the point where I started neglecting the poor girl. She was not perfect by any stretch. She had a lot of issues, but those were things we could've worked on, but instead I screwed everything up and now she can care less about me. Anyway, it is what it is. Hope you start doing better Dominique. You seem like a very sweet and lovable person. I truly, truly hope you reach your closure faster than me.

 

U r sweet. Thank u❤️

 

I understand what you are saying. Why would u want to accept that she's gone? U still love her. That seems reasonable to me. I don't accept that he's gone...I hate it with every fiber of me.

 

It is what it is. If I could change it, I would. In a heartbeat I would change it. But I can't.

 

I just burst into tears a minute ago trying to go to sleep. I want to go to his house right now and bang on the window. But I won't.

 

I hope you reach a point of peace and find "happy" again.

 

This won't close for me. It just is what it is. I love my ex with all my heart. I don't want anyone else. I am fine being alone. I either want him or no one. And I am ok with that.

[Chris323]

 

I'm so proud of you!

 

I had similar struggle today...and will for the next few days. But I am determined not to "go there". It will make me feel worse... I already feel bad enough. I don't need to feel worse. I'm committed to not feeling any worse....if I feel the same as I do right now forever (which is HORRIBLE) ... It is still better than being rejected or hurt again feeling that loss all over and feeling WORSE.

 

I truly agree with you Dominque, I rather feel horrible then go through the pain of being rejected from the person we love, Im running as far away from my ex as much as possible, even tought it kills me to be with her again.

[Dominique]

 

I truly agree with you Dominque, I rather feel horrible then go through the pain of being rejected from the person we love, Im running as far away from my ex as much as possible, even tought it kills me to be with her again.

 

U don't need to be hurt any more.

[JustinPonders]

Well, so far I haven't checked your fb if I believe over a week. I do feel better and the urge is almost not there. Do I still think about her? Yes. Do I still wish for her to reach out to me? Yes. But the difference is I feel like I'm just numb to the whole thing now. But who knows. I might change for the worse in the next couple days. Just when I think I'm feeling better I get slammed with thoughts of her just overwhelming me and I go back to desperation. I just hope I don't go there, honestly. I just don't have the energy for it anymore.