I broke hard NC after 7 months (B I G M I S T A K E)

[Collegeguy2]

Well, so far I haven't checked your fb if I believe over a week. I do feel better and the urge is almost not there. Do I still think about her? Yes. Do I still wish for her to reach out to me? Yes. But the difference is I feel like I'm just numb to the whole thing now. But who knows. I might change for the worse in the next couple days. Just when I think I'm feeling better I get slammed with thoughts of her just overwhelming me and I go back to desperation. I just hope I don't go there, honestly. I just don't have the energy for it anymore.

 

Do not check social media I've been there and done that. It is so horrible you know this too!

[JustinPonders]

Do not check social media I've been there and done that. It is so horrible you know this too!

 

I know man, I know. It has ruined countless days for me. And usually just from the posts she had liked because she has me blocked and set to private so I snoop from another account by checking the posts she had liked recently. Yes, pathetic.

[boltnrun]

I know man, I know. It has ruined countless days for me. And usually just from the posts she had liked because she has me blocked and set to private so I snoop from another account by checking the posts she had liked recently. Yes, pathetic.

 

What benefit do you get from that? Is it something that makes you feel good?

[Collegeguy2]

I know man, I know. It has ruined countless days for me. And usually just from the posts she had liked because she has me blocked and set to private so I snoop from another account by checking the posts she had liked recently. Yes, pathetic.

 

Trust me I did the same it was pathetic I created different accounts just to snoop during our first and second break up. Now I get anxiety even thinking of doing it. You definitely have to stop before you see something you don't like and it will hurt a lot I've been there. Quit feeding that high of thinking she's liking something because she is thinking of you or still having that connection. Completely let go and if it is meant to be it will find its way back trust me on that it happened to me two times already. Of course I would hope for a third but that might be God telling me enough is enough unless the both of us truly work on ourselves.

[Dominique]

Well, so far I haven't checked your fb if I believe over a week. I do feel better and the urge is almost not there. Do I still think about her? Yes. Do I still wish for her to reach out to me? Yes. But the difference is I feel like I'm just numb to the whole thing now. But who knows. I might change for the worse in the next couple days. Just when I think I'm feeling better I get slammed with thoughts of her just overwhelming me and I go back to desperation. I just hope I don't go there, honestly. I just don't have the energy for it anymore.

 

Be in this moment. Try not to think about or project how u will feel in a few days. Be present.

 

U can do this. "You can kill anything you don't feed". Stay off FB

[JustinPonders]

Well, it's been close to 3 weeks since my NC break and I guess I've done much better. To be honest, I took close to 2 weeks off from work and just played PC games to get my mind off of her and to my surprise, it worked. But it got to the point where I kinda got addicted to it because I liked the feeling of being totally consumed and not having to think about her. I'll be honest, it worked. I almost all but not forgot her in those 2 weeks. I have recently started work again and slowly but surely her thoughts are creeping back in again, like today. Some of those thoughts were of me missing her, reminiscing on the good times, the parts where I screwed up, would love to hear from her again and oh my god, I might never, ever see or hear from her again thoughts. But the intensity is definitely not as intense as it once was, that's for sure. Now they're mostly thoughts but without the major emotional attachment. And it's weird, sometimes certain things will trigger lust and jealousy of her, like for example last night my nephew played a sex tape of a girl famous in Miami getting slammed by some guy and for some reason my anxiety just went to like a level 9 when I started thinking of my ex getting slammed like that by her new man. Not that I know she's in a relationship and doing this but it's just my mind imagining. Most likely she is because she's very sexual. Anyway, the good news is I haven't checked her fb page not once in the last 3 weeks so I'm really proud of myself. And to be honest just the thought of me checking scares me to death so now it's gotten to the point where I'm like "heeeell no, I'm so not going there." Thank you for reading guys. This was just me kinda expressing myself a little to get some thoughts and feelings out. I appreciate your valuable time.

[JustinPonders]

I almost all but not forgot her in those 2 weeks.

 

Sorry, I meant to say that I all but mostly forgot her in those two weeks.

[Dominique]

@justinponders

That's a lot of progress. Good to hear from you.

 

I'm at 3 weeks too and I am terrified of seeing something that will set me back and upset me. I think you're doing good.

 

I have the same thoughts about my ex and his sex life. Makes me want to cry.... But I can't do anything about that either.

 

Keep posting.

 

Sending you light and love

[Alsananick]

Do not loose hope. My one contacted me after 2 months then we got back together. She'll reach out and when she does dont talk on the phone or text back and forth. You'll set a date and close the convo. You'll get her back. Do not worry. Stick to it . Dont think over it get yoursrlf better.

[saluk]

Stay away from the sex tapes!

[JustinPonders]

Do not loose hope. My one contacted me after 2 months then we got back together. She'll reach out and when she does dont talk on the phone or text back and forth. You'll set a date and close the convo. You'll get her back. Do not worry. Stick to it . Dont think over it get yoursrlf better.

 

My friend I appreciate your words of encouragement but I think I'm well past the point where she'll ever reach out to me. It's been almost a year we've been broken up. I've broken NC several times with her and by now I've literally assisted her in fully healing from our past relationship because I keep breaking NC making her more and more confident that she made the right decision. Anyway, it is what it is.

 

I had another dream of her this morning. The dream was of her being around some male friends and I kept seeing her slip away out of sight wondering where and which guy she was talking to. My strong feelings were of jealousy, insecurity and possessiveness. When I woke up I swear I was in the most foulest of moods. Lets put it this way I broke some small things here and there because I was so upset. It had been weeks gone by I hadn't dreamed of her and now suddenly again, this morning, it happened. I mean this is ridiculous, !?!?

[saluk]

You've been clinging on so long your mind doesn't know how not to. It's been about 2 years since I actually started to let go, and about 1 year since I had the last dream. It is ridiculous, I agree. You can be fine, and then while asleep have some dream or other and wake up in that cloud again.

 

But tonight you won't have a dream, and tomorrow you'll wake up and not be in the cloud. Bad days will happen... but cling to the good days and not the bad ones.

[boltnrun]

I still occasionally dream about my God-awful ex, and he dumped me in 2009. Sometimes in my dreams he acts wonderful and loving. Sometimes he's a useless jerk (like in real life). I wake up angry, because why the H is this waste of oxygen still invading my dreams??? They're MY dreams!

 

But I am still angry with myself for attaching to him for four years. I think I still haven't forgiven myself for the pathetic way I behaved around him. So I think that's why my psyche is punishing me.

 

However, at least I know I would never, ever even entertain the thought of reconciling with him, even if he begged.

 

Just know that it isn't all that unusual. Yes, it's annoying and yes, it can make you feel pretty awful, but it will fade with time.

[JustinPonders]

Guys, please help me out. My anxiety is back. I've been thinking about her a lot in the last couple days, like a lot. The feelings of regret, missing her, despair is all coming back again. I can't believe this. What the hell is going on? I thought this was suppose to get better in time? Why can't I get over this woman!?!? This is so dam frustrating Please stop me from checking her fb page, please. It's like I know I'll be completely depressed after I do but I have this strong urge to do it. I can't believe this, I simply can't believe I'm back here again. This is like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I feel like the Universe just wants me to suffer man. I don't even know what peace feels like anymore. What do I do?!?!

[boltnrun]

We can't stop you from looking at her Facebook page.

 

YOU can do this by blocking her (and not unblocking her the next day!) or by deactivating your account.

[JustinPonders]

We can't stop you from looking at her Facebook page.

 

YOU can do this by blocking her (and not unblocking her the next day!) or by deactivating your account.

 

Last I know she blocked me because I told her to. When I say check her fb I was going to log into a different account and view her page from there. It's still set to private but what I usually do is check her recently liked posts which usually are relationship memes. God, I hate my life now.

[boltnrun]

Last I know she blocked me because I told her to. When I say check her fb I was going to log into a different account and view her page from there. It's still set to private but what I usually do is check her recently liked posts which usually are relationship memes. God, I hate my life now.

 

So, why blame the universe when you're the one going to all that trouble just to look at her recently liked posts?

 

What is it that makes you do those things?

 

It IS a choice, one you're choosing to make.

 

Why are you insisting on hurting yourself?

 

Do you feel you deserve to be "punished" for how you treated her during the relationship?

 

You know, you can forgive yourself for that. Carrying around all that guilt and regret hurts only you and doesn't affect her at all. It doesn't affect anyone else but you.

 

Now, I know you know all this. So, again, why continue to torture yourself? Can you allow yourself to let go and go on with your life?

[Dominique]

Last I know she blocked me because I told her to. When I say check her fb I was going to log into a different account and view her page from there. It's still set to private but what I usually do is check her recently liked posts which usually are relationship memes. God, I hate my life now.

 

I know you are doing these things because sometimes you just want to be close to the person in any way you can. I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

I understand. I did some of those things ...because I just wanted to be "near" my ex and looking at those things was the only way I could be close to him. I hope you lose that urge soon because it hurts so much.

 

I'm sending you light and love and hugs.

[JustinPonders]

I know you are doing these things because sometimes you just want to be close to the person in any way you can. I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

I understand. I did some of those things ...because I just wanted to be "near" my ex and looking at those things was the only way I could be close to him. I hope you lose that urge soon because it hurts so much.

 

I'm sending you light and love and hugs.

 

Thank you sweetie. I totally fell off the wagon the last couple days. I did so good the last 2 1/2 weeks. I almost all but forgot her but my anxiety started coming back Sunday and peaked today. I knew it was too good to be true. For all it's worth I still haven't checked her fb. And yes, you nailed it. I check because it makes me feel close to her and it helps when I see her liking posts about heartbreak because it makes me feel like she's still thinking about me but at this point I've broken contact so much with her she's pretty much completely over me by now. I can't believe I made that boneheaded move a few weeks back breaking NC. Anyway, so ya. Thank you for understanding Dominique because you are so right.

 

Btw, how you been holding up?

[Dominique]

Thank you sweetie. I totally fell off the wagon the last couple days. I did so good the last 2 1/2 weeks. I almost all but forgot her but my anxiety started coming back Sunday and peaked today. I knew it was too good to be true. For all it's worth I still haven't checked her fb. And yes, you nailed it. I check because it makes me feel close to her and it helps when I see her liking posts about heartbreak because it makes me feel like she's still thinking about me but at this point I've broken contact so much with her she's pretty much completely over me by now. I can't believe I made that boneheaded move a few weeks back breaking NC. Anyway, so ya. Thank you for understanding Dominique because you are so right.

 

Btw, how you been holding up?

 

I understand, my friend. None of this is a smooth path. I want you to stop hurting yourself and re-opening these wounds on your heart and I pray you are ready to do that soon .... However I am here for you and I truly understand how had this is and how "crazy" our pain can make us.

 

I'll be here to help catch you if you fall again. I'm not perfect. I don't demand perfection. (((Hugs)))

 

As for me...I'm doing the best I can be. I've been worse. I miss My Luv. I can't sleep tonight because I just miss him so much. But it is what it is.

[JustinPonders]

So it's been almost 1 year since my breakup and almost 2 months from the time I stupidly broke NC, which was the worst mistake I ever made. Shortly after I broke NC I pretty much fell into depression for having made the stupid mistake so what I did was I took off almost 3 weeks from work and played video games to get my mind off of things. Oddly enough it kinda worked. It got to the point where I stopped the obsessive thinking and dare I say almost felt like my old self again. I was so happy. I thought I was finally making a breakthrough. Unfortunately I started getting very, very lazy. I really lost a lot of drive, not that I had much before but at least I was working. Now, suddenly, I was not even wanting to work anymore because I felt so comfortable being home all the time just with myself playing games and having my mind off of her especially. I felt safe and very comfortable. But by the end of the 3rd week of doing this suddenly I realized I had to get back to work and the thought alone really overwhelmed me with fear because I was afraid I was going to go back to obsessively thinking about her again. You see, most of my obsession was when I was working because I'm a driver and of course all I do when I drive is think and guess of who? Yup, ex!

 

So what I did was I eased myself back into work not working a full shift. I was pleasantly surprised on my first day back. I actually felt genuinely normal the whole day, relaxed. I was surprised, I really was. Heck, I was now really convinced I had made actual, legitimate progress. Then, suddenly, on like the 2nd or 3rd day, I don't remember, BOOM, it hit me again!!!! I started slowly but surely obsessing thoughts over my ex again. I couldn't believe it. I simply couldn't believe it. It's like I felt l was in a nightmare or something that I couldn't wake out of, quite literally, only this was real. I fell into depression again! I was mainly depressed because it made me realize how weak I was and how the whole idea of me finally moving on was thrown out the window and that I was back to my old routine of obsessing over her again. Just like that. I was so incredibly disappointed in the fact that it was all a lie, I wasn't better. Luckily, after a few days of depression I got better again. I relaxed from all the depression and thoughts and stabilized, but suddenly, today, BOOM, AGAIN!!! I mean this is just ridiculous. I was driving around quite literally feeling like I'm a broken, empty, useless, weak human being. I was having thoughts, just thoughts, of course I would never act on it, but thoughts of ending it all. I mean I just can't stand seeing myself like this anymore. I mean I just feel utterly paralyzed. I simply don't understand what the hell I'm holding on to. I keep talking to myself, talking to God, begging, pleading, please, please, pleeeeeeeeeeease, just help me through this. Get it together bro, get it together. She's not worth it. It's over. But for some stubborn, egotistical reasons my heart is STILL not letting the whole situation go. I just don't get it. I just don't understand. What the hell is wrong with me?!?! It's like I know on a conscious level that it's over, she's gone, she'll never contact me again but NO, my stupid ego just won't let her go. I swear, this is like getting old. I'm creating my own misery but the scary part is I don't know how to escape it. I do, I really do but I don't know how to let it go and mean it. I don't know what to do anymore to feel whole again.

 

You see at the core of my thoughts is this one word that has quite literally been haunting me for the past year over and over and over and over again and that one disgusting word is regret. Regret, regret, regret. I keep slapping, punching, kicking myself for doing what I did. I know most of you will say stop beating yourself up, but you have to understand, it doesn't work. I've tried that. The thoughts of overwhelming regret just takes over. I keep thinking "If I just didn't say what I said to her that day none of this would've happened." Or the other weak things I did with her when we were together, oooooh my God. I keep saying why? WHY did I do that!? Yes, I know I shouldn't be doing this but again, hence my dilemma. And the truth is even if I didn't and lets say for argument sake we continued our relationship and eventually we broke up due to our differences but done in a more civilized way, well, I would've preferred that direction much, much more rather than the direction I chose that fateful day when I decided to talk like a weak-ass buffoon which probably totally turned her off completely and made her run for the hills because when I realized a week later how I acted that's when I decided to call her back to make things up but when she rejected me I further panicked and went into "fix it" mode. But that made matters worse and worse and worse. And of course breaking NC a few times after a few months of silence and falling for her breadcrumbs dumped me further and further into the dark, unknown, abyss of hell because I knew, I KNEW what I was doing was wrong but it was an overwhelming urge to do it anyway and that I did and further I dug my own grave.

 

Folks, I'm totally aware that most of this is my ego but then again I don't know how much of it is ego and genuine love because I actually do love her and want to protect her and be the man that I truly want to be with her and be happy but dam, this is insane what I'm going through right now. Just totally, totally insane. I'm beside myself baffled at what I've become. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know if this is all real or not. Life now just feels like it has no meaning, no direction, no purpose, no goals, no nothing. I live life now just barely hanging on to I don't even know what anymore. I swear if it wasn't for my family I think I would've just ended it all because this is no way to live. I always, AAAALWAYS catch myself, now, staring at people and/or couples and seeing the joy in their faces, living their happy lives and thinking how lucky they are. That could've been US!!! It just hurts me so much knowing that they're all happy and I'm this depressed, sorry-ass, selfish fool for having still hung up on this one girl who doesn't even care if I'm alive or dead. I saw two different couples tonight and saw their genuine joy being together, happy, having a good time, smiling, loving, and I was just miserable and envious of them that my heart was quite literally constricting with envy and jealousy and all the rest of the crappy emotions. I was just shaking my head.

 

Again, folks, yes, I know totally that I'm beating myself up unfairly, again, I know this like I know this but for some reason I just feel like this whole positive thinking is futile because acting happy would be a lie and what I really am inside is miserable. I know this is going to sound crazy but I quite literally need a miracle to get me through this at this point because I simply don't know what else to do. This has gone way to far. I'm in a prison of my own mind. This is no way to live and it's not fair to me, I get it but what else can I do?

 

Hey, but the good news is I haven't checked her fb at all!!! But believe me, I was soooo tempted so many times but it's been almost 2 months and I haven't checked the only means of ever connecting with her and that's fb.

 

Sorry for the long post folks. Honestly, I do this mainly to just write my feelings because, well, I need all the help I can get. I don't expect you to reply, honestly. I just did this just to express my feelings and hopefully get some relief.

 

Thank you and God bless you all and I wish you all nothing but the very best in life

[Dominique]

Hold on Justin. You can get through this

[Chris323]

Justin, Im going through the exact same feeling your goung through, Every day, every minute is painful, & living with the regret. But reading your post help realize that "We all go through heartbreak". It is the price we pay for being alive. My issue is that I feel no one will ever compare to my ex. She was the sweetest person Ive ever met, & not to be shallow but she had the most amazing body Ive ever set my eyes on. How can I ever replace her. But to be honest Ive been through 3 different Heartbreakes & I felt the same feeling for every girl I felt that I will never find anybody else. What ruin my last relationship was that I never got over my ex, & she wanted a baby, But I was to hung over my, So she left me for another guy, So know I realize what I had & what I lost, & yes the pain runs deep that at times I want to end it all. Its been 4 months and its still very painful, & learning from my last heartbreaks it takes almost 2 years to get used of the pain, it never really truly goes away, but we learned to live with it. Im preparing myself to hear the news that shes pregnant with the new guy which will destroy me, So Im tryi g my best to let go and lose hope so that the news wont hit me as hard. I truly wish I was having a kid with her and be married, But then I tell myself that it is a good thing we dont have kids because having to see her & deal with the kids will be a nightmare, at least I have a chance to forget about her and dont have to feel hurt every time I see her. Im sorry for my terrible grammer.

[JustinPonders]

Justin, Im going through the exact same feeling your goung through, Every day, every minute is painful, & living with the regret. But reading your post help realize that "We all go through heartbreak". It is the price we pay for being alive. My issue is that I feel no one will ever compare to my ex. She was the sweetest person Ive ever met, & not to be shallow but she had the most amazing body Ive ever set my eyes on. How can I ever replace her. But to be honest Ive been through 3 different Heartbreakes & I felt the same feeling for every girl I felt that I will never find anybody else. What ruin my last relationship was that I never got over my ex, & she wanted a baby, But I was to hung over my, So she left me for another guy, So know I realize what I had & what I lost, & yes the pain runs deep that at times I want to end it all. Its been 4 months and its still very painful, & learning from my last heartbreaks it takes almost 2 years to get used of the pain, it never really truly goes away, but we learned to live with it. Im preparing myself to hear the news that shes pregnant with the new guy which will destroy me, So Im tryi g my best to let go and lose hope so that the news wont hit me as hard. I truly wish I was having a kid with her and be married, But then I tell myself that it is a good thing we dont have kids because having to see her & deal with the kids will be a nightmare, at least I have a chance to forget about her and dont have to feel hurt every time I see her. Im sorry for my terrible grammer.

 

Brotha, I really, really appreciate your story. Thanks for writing it because it does help me. It makes me feel better that I'm not alone. Thank you!

[Vicky89]

I'm not sure things ever get better, I haven't seen my ex in 2 years and I still miss him. There had been no contact and I broke it after about a year and half... A YEAR AND A HALF, I can't believe I did that but, it was his birthday and I couldn't hold back texting a Happy Birthday text to which he never replied back and then after a few days had gone by I broke it again and texted him that I missed him, YIKES.

 

It's horrible when you want someone and they have moved on, and honestly, I don't think you will ever get over them, at least not until you have found someone else to take that place that's currently vacant. This sucks because that means you have to put yourself out there, meet a lot of people, go through all the hassles of meeting new people, and there is no guarantee that you will ever meet that someone that you click with and you both want each other.

 

Good lord, I can see how this can be very depressing. I actually want to call him and text him right now, but I will just have to come to terms that it's over.

 

Wow, does anyone else feel like a strong drink ?