how do i sort my relationship out?

[Butterflyxx]

same guy, you all know the issues in the past.

anyway, so after the last breakup (november), i have become more argumentative and sort of harsh to him, because i'm scared that he will take me for granted etc.

we have arguments over stupid things, and i always am the one to start the argument.

anyway, so i've noticed that he has started to like other girls photos & on twitter he has liked this one girls post and he used to really like her and it makes me worried. *after we got back together he promised me he wouldn't like random girls photos on social media because i thought it disrespected me*

also, this girl at his uni has broken up with her boyfriend (my bf and her are friends), and i'm paranoid that he will like her, even when he's told me before that she's not his type and they're just friends.

what do i do to be a better girlfriend? he always tells me that i always look at the bad sides of him & that i'm never nice, which is true i guess.

what do i do? i feel lost and hurt.

am i in the wrong? do i need to change?

[Purusha]

Hi Butterfly,

 

Wow - I've just read one of your posts back from October 2016 and I can sense the amount of confusion about what's going on, what's going wrong, and whether or not this is you, him, or both of you.

 

This feels like a replay from your past somehow that is eking into your relationships and I have a few questions for you because I can spot a pattern here:

 

1. I'm curious to know how things were for you when you were growing up - my instinct tells me that you felt very lonely, and like you were having to sacrifice aspects of yourself to keep things peaceful and keep other people happy?

2. As a child how often were you ignored, shamed, or punished in some other way for saying how you felt or stating what you wanted? Did you feel that how you felt or what you wanted was important, heard and validated by your parents?

3. Were you often put down and insulted for expressing yourself, for putting yourself forward in a way that went against the family or social grain?

4. Do you feel that you were bullied in school or at home?

5. Did you ever feel that you needed to be a certain way or act a certain way in order to be loved and accepted? How did this make you feel?

6. Did you ever feel like you couldn't win? Like, if you wanted something that was disapproved of were you shamed for wanting it and then told off for being upset or angry that you couldn't get or do the thing that you wanted?

7. Did you ever feel invisible, insignificant or the last on the list as a child?

 

I'm bringing this back to your childhood because, well, frankly that's where most things start and from what you've said in your previous post there are deeper issues coming to the surface in your relationship.

 

Often emotions and situations that are unresolved and undealt with will resurface over and over again so you will find people in the same pattern in relationships and seem to attract them, because they're unresolved feelings and issues.

 

It seems to me that in order to deal with your relationship, you need to start with yourself - your emotional pattern is very co-dependent, otherwise known as self love deficit disorder (which is really what it is) and is a result of emotional neglect in childhood and it's repeated in relationships.

 

More often that not, severe cases of this brings self worth and confidence issues, a feeling of deep loneliness and isolation and a feeling of being invisible and insignificant. Happily these things can be resolved, but you really need to learn the art of self love and self soothing to restore the emotional wounds you received as a child that have carried on into your adulthood.

 

Essentially the relationship you're in means that you look to other people to define, validate and uphold your sense of self to fill the void that you feel inside - this is not to say that we don't need each other to do this, it's only natural, but there's a big difference between needing other people to define who we are and needing other people to appreciate who we already are.

 

This will naturally get you into a narcissistic and co-dependent dynamic where the narcissist will fill their own void by the co-dependent person's overwhelming need to connect, and then they will take it away sensing that this will leave you in deficit and waiting for the next connection with them. This makes them feel wanted and loved, something that inwardly, they don't really feel - it's just another pattern.

 

There is a lot of information on this on youtube and google and I'd definitely recommend that you take a look.

 

I hope that's helped and that you feel better soon.

[Butterflyxx]

thank you.

i have 2 other siblings the same age as me, i am the youngest, we are all girls, one of my siblings is extremely bossy and violent. she has hit my father before, she threatens me and my sister, and she is the centre of attention, ALWAYS.

both of my sisters are judgemental, and if i wanted to change my style or put a picture of myself on social media, they'd laugh and put me down for it.

my mum, she is also very violent (not as much to me because i don't really do anything wrong, but she's violent to my other sisters), she has bitten, punched, kicked strangled my siblings and she has hit my father.

it makes me feel powerless when this occurs, and i always try and avoid it by going in my room but my bossy sister always tells me to go downstairs to help sort the victim out.

i have always been pushed to the side, as the bossy sibling has always been in control, and i have low self-esteem etc.

i feel bad for asking my mum a simple question such as 'what's for tea?' as she gets very mad and it stresses me out.

when me and my boyfriend argue, i have began to notice that i have developed some of my mums anger traits, such as saying horrible things and at home, i am usually quiet and i keep myself to myself. i bottle things up a lot in regards to my home life, and i'm too scared to tell my boyfriend what it's really like at my house.

my father has attempted suicide before due to the stress, and my bossy sibling has also recently attempted suicide, and she blames my mum for it.

my mum doesn't have any friends as she falls out with everyone, that's the same with my bossy sibling, and for the past 2 years i haven't had any friends because they've all moved away, but in september when i go to university i hope to find some.

i feel very isolated and alone, and i absolutely HATE my way of thinking. i wish i was more logical and loving to my boyfriend.

for many years i have had obsessions with boys, and i have always been more attracted to the ones who don't pay me attention.

i feel so lost, and i want to change so desperately.

i'm moving out in september too, into accommodation so that might help.

[Annia]

*after we got back together he promised me he wouldn't like random girls photos on social media because i thought it disrespected me*

 

I don't know the backstory and I don't remember your previous posts, but this doesn't seem healthy and the relationship doesn't seem to be based on mutual trust and respect.

[Butterflyxx]

*after we got back together he promised me he wouldn't like random girls photos on social media because i thought it disrespected me*

 

I don't know the backstory and I don't remember your previous posts, but this doesn't seem healthy and the relationship doesn't seem to be based on mutual trust and respect.

 

please can you go into more detail regarding the unhealthy aspect. am i in the wrong for not wanting him to like girls photos, or him?

[Purusha]

I see a lot of hope for you, the difficulty when you've been through the things that you've experienced is to be open and vulnerable and from what you've written you're open to doing that to get out of the emotional situation you find yourself in.

 

The solution, for a lot of people with co-dependency problems is a direct result of the family and/or social situations that you're in and the ways of coping for co-dependents are generally:

 

1. Self isolation - it's not safe to be with others as you are shamed, humiliated, disrespected, violated emotionally, mentally and physically by those closest to you so the way to cope becomes to hide inside yourself as this is the only safe place.

2. Self denial - moulding yourself to the expectations and needs of others so as to attempt to control any escalation, level of humiliation and any negative consequences. This means that you have to abandon yourself and try and control your external environment and the people in it, often by being the 'good' one, the one who puts themselves last, or the emotional beating board.

3. Self hatred - believing that there is something wrong with you and that is why you're treated badly by your family, the alternative is understanding that there's nothing wrong with you and your family has been incapable (for one reason or another) to show love as it implies that they don't love you - this is something that as a child, we will always avoid, therefore we change ourselves in order to be loved by any means.

4. Self shaming - if you have any needs, wants or desires you beat yourself up before you even get to a stage where it's a consideration to avoid the shaming from others, and therefore to earn some semblance of love and acceptance.

 

Can you see how just these few elements (which are by no means exhaustive) mean that you haven't been given an opportunity in your life to develop your sense of self and to develop self knowledge and boundaries, to acknowledge that your needs, wants and desires are valid, encouraged and supported? This will always, without exception lead to someone growing up feeling the way that you currently feel. It's entirely normal, understandable and completely appropriate that you should feel this way, but I also know that it's extremely confusing to know what to do.

 

The first thing to realise is that this is the way that you cope - you barter off aspects of who you are, hide yourself away, shame and hate yourself to pre-emptively stop anything hurtful happening to you and in the hope that you will be loved and accepted. As a child you're powerless to change the situation our parents put on us, so we work around whatever we're given in order to survive - so in that way, the way that you did that was genius and served it's purpose.

 

Your sister's went the other way - they have the same wounds that you do, a sense of lack, low self worth, no sense of self, but they take this from other people, they put people down in order to give them a sense of significance and meaning. This of course, doesn't mean that you should accept it, it's just an explanation.

 

It's very hard for anyone to resolve these things while you're living in the situation that created it, so moving out is the best thing that you can do - I would also add that because your sense of yourself isn't defined and you don't feel that expressing your emotions is a 'safe' thing to do, with anyone unless you modify it into something that they will approve of. So I don't think that you should live with your boyfriend - this would only create a new issue with the same dynamic. It's your sense of self and self love that you really need to focus on.

 

Please explore co-dependency, there's a great lady on youtube called Lisa Romano who specifically caters for this issue and it will give you a lot of validation to just listen to her, I have a feeling that you'll recognise a lot on there and it will give you reassurance that no, you're actually not crazy, or lost, you've been abused and you're hurting.

 

In the meantime before you've moved out, methods of coping that I'd recommend are: blogging (anonymously as I seriously doubt that you have any privacy), any artform that encourages self expression - poetry, painting, dancing, whatever takes your fancy.

 

Take time out to sit with your emotions, allow yourself to feel and try and identify how you feel - this can be hard sometimes so be patient with yourself. Ask yourself what will make you feel better (that doesn't depend on getting something from other people) - it could be as simple as having your favourite drink, going for a walk, talking to a therapist, writing, taking up a hobby, looking for somewhere to stay in September and making plans for yourself - keep an open mind. The more room you give your emotions to breathe, the better you will feel in yourself.

 

I know you originally asked about your relationship, but keep in mind that the issues in your relationship are an off-shoot of the issues that you already have, if you can connect and work with yourself to heal the wounds you already have your relationship will take it's own course either way.

 

I hope that's helped somewhat or given you a place to start.

[jonnyboy12]

please can you go into more detail regarding the unhealthy aspect. am i in the wrong for not wanting him to like girls photos, or him?

 

When I was with my girl we didn't like the other males/females pictures, unless we were friends with them. Theres kind of 2 ways to look at it, are they liking what they see? If they are why does it matter to you? If they have been loyal the whole relationship then don't think of it as anything. If they have been a cheat or betrayed you in some way, then I'd be annoyed. Or are they just liking a picture? A virtual thing made of pixels on a phone, does that really define your relationship?

[Wiseman2]

Stop monitoring his social media and policing which of his female friends he can acknowledge. Get busy with your own life and develop a self esteem improvement plan. Get in shape, exercise more. Update your image, new clothes, hair, etc..

 

Become interesting. Join groups, clubs, volunteer, take classes or lessons. Make new friends, hang out more with friends and family. Get a life and stop policing and nagging him. Build up your confidence rather than spend all your time patrolling his social media and getting jealous and arguing.

he always tells me that i always look at the bad sides of him & that i'm never nice, which is true i guess.

[Butterflyxx]

i check his social media just to see if he's talking to other girls who he's had a past with, and just to make sure he's not doing anything to disrespect our relationship. i'd worry like mad if i didn't

[Butterflyxx]

When I was with my girl we didn't like the other males/females pictures, unless we were friends with them. Theres kind of 2 ways to look at it, are they liking what they see? If they are why does it matter to you? If they have been loyal the whole relationship then don't think of it as anything. If they have been a cheat or betrayed you in some way, then I'd be annoyed. Or are they just liking a picture? A virtual thing made of pixels on a phone, does that really define your relationship?

 

he's never cheated on me, but i just worry that when he likes certain girls pictures that means that he prefers them

[Butterflyxx]

i do spend a lot of time in my room and away from my family. i feel safe and happy away! i also wouldn't think it was necessary to live with my boyfriend anyway.

i will try all those methods as a way of coping, and also because my exams are fast approaching, i will occupy my time devoted to revising and studying. i will also watch the youtube videos you suggested. thank you so much!

so you think that my relationship problems is due to my upbringing? it's just i've always been confused whether it's me who's causing the issues, or if my boyfriend is the one to blame and the problem

[Purusha]

Yes I do think that your relationship issues are due to this - our upbringing's shape the way that we deal with our emotions, interpret others, it shapes our expectations and experiences of the world - it's only when we wake up and realise our own patterns (in terms of coping and how we try to get love and acceptance) and the reasons why we do what we do, that we can really change things.

 

If you realise that you were brought up in a situation where:

 

You didn't feel safe on any level

There's severe distrust

A toxic level of shame

You're regularly humiliated and insulted

You're bullied and treated like an inferior and the bottom of the pecking order

You have to be hypervigilant to everyone's moods, words and actions so that you can judge where the next bomb is coming from and where it's aimed at

You've had to hide yourself from everyone in order to survive, and abandon yourself at every turn

You've had to accept feeling insignificant and being treated like there's something wrong with you

 

You can then see why you've ended up in a relationship where:

 

You don't feel secure with him

There's no trust

You're shamed when you express emotion

You're humiliated and insulted

You feel you're treated in an inferior manner

You feel as if you're his last priority

You feel lonely in your relationship

You feel you are a bad person for feeling the way that you do

There is a push pull aspect to your relationship, leaving you to try and figure out what you've done wrong to deserve the 'push' and trying to earn yourself back into favour until you get the 'pull', leaving you forever wondering what it is inside of you that needs fixing.

 

Can you see the parallel? These are the wounds that need healing.

 

The idea is really to thrive, rather than to cope with life by the way!

 

There's no one really to blame - you have your issues, your boyfriend has his, and because you're both unrealised as to what your issues are you will want to apportion blame to rationalise things and figure things out, that's just what happens when you're trying to make sense of a situation when you don't realise what template in your mind that you're operating from.

 

Understanding yourself is always the first step towards understanding everyone else around you, and being able to place one foot in front of the other to a happier and healthier life.

[Wiseman2]

If you are under 18 call cps so they can interview and assess the home situation and make recomendations. If you are over 18 go away to college, live in student housing or find a job and some roommates.

[Butterflyxx]

If you are under 18 call cps so they can interview and assess the home situation and make recomendations. If you are over 18 go away to college, live in student housing or find a job and some roommates.

 

i'm over 18 so i'm moving into accommodation in september

[boltnrun]

You've been trying for what? A year and a half or more? To make this relationship work and to get this guy to give you more attention.

 

It hasn't worked.

 

What have you done about getting involved in activities and hobbies so you're not 100% dependent on him?

[Wiseman2]

No. You are over 18 and being jealous of what pics your bf likes is your choice.

so you think that my relationship problems is due to my upbringing? it's just i've always been confused whether it's me who's causing the issues, or if my boyfriend is the one to blame and the problem

[Butterflyxx]

No. You are over 18 and being jealous of what pics your bf likes is your choice.

 

do you think that him liking girls pictures is an issue or am i going over the top?

[Jibralta]

do you think that him liking girls pictures is an issue or am i going over the top?

 

The real issue is that you continue to tolerate behavior that you don't like.

 

Forget whether it's 'wrong' or 'right' for him to like other girls' photos while he is in a relationship with you. That's a ridiculous, irrelevant argument at best because it really boils down to personal preference and personal values. There's no morality to liking photos on facebook or wherever. It's not a great humanitarian cause. If you don't like it, fine. Stick to your guns about it.

 

The real issue is whether you are compatible.

 

It seems that on a very basic and important level, you have different values.

 

What is also bad for this relationship is that he continues to do something that he knows you don't like.

 

Why do you stick around and tolerate that? He doesn't respect you.

 

You can't change people. You can only move on.

[Annia]

please can you go into more detail regarding the unhealthy aspect. am i in the wrong for not wanting him to like girls photos, or him?

 

You don't trust him and attribute meaning and lose time and energy worrying about his social media use. If you don't trust him or feel disrespected when he likes girls photos or whatever and you don't like it then it's ok, it's a deal breaker to you. But instead of trying to convincing him and controlling his social media usage just leave him and find someone who matches your standards of how one should behave in a relationship with you.