Should I see her again? Is it too soon?

[afisher]

My girlfriend and I have been together one year and last week we broke up. The fundamental reason was the incompatibility of our wants and needs. I wanted/needed more from her than she was willing to give. It had been brewing for a while but then became an issue we couldn't compromise on so we split. We haven't seen each other in 2 weeks and have only exchanged brief messages to arrange transferring some money she owed me. I am pretty down about this.

 

Then, yesterday was my birthday and at 10:30pm she messaged me with birthday wishes, apologising that she nearly forgot. We had a brief 10 min message exchange, just catching up on what she'd been up to the last couple of days. Then, at the end of the message she invited me to meet her tomorrow afternoon with some mutual friends. She caveated it with saying she'd understand if it was too uncomfortable for me (I said last week that it would be too painful to see her right now when we talked about her getting the money to me she owed). But she did say it would be nice to see me.

 

What shall I do?

 

So, I could say no and not go. It would simply be too painful to see her just as a friend right now, not being able to be close to her, touch her, knowing she is free to see other guys. If I said no then it's highly likely that would be it. I wouldn't see her again. She reached out, I said no, so she'll not bother again and the onus will be on me to reach out in the future if we are to meet again.

 

Or, I go. Manage my expectations of what I'll get out of it. Turn up, be chilled out, happy, look like I'm getting on with my life. Spend time with her and everyone but know when to leave and not hang around in the hope that we might hang out together afterwards. Basically, show her the best of me in the hope she misses me. Then see how that affects her. I know she is free later tomorrow evening and all day Monday. Maybe she'll follow up. If so, great. If not, then for her it genuinely was because it was nice to see me as a friend but she's moved on. In which case, I pat myself on the back for trying, but move on myself.

 

She complained before that it all got too intense and that she wanted space and independence. Could it be that after two weeks of no contact at all (after a year of daily contact, either physical or calls/texts), she misses me and now wants to reach out again and see what happens?

 

Help! What should I do?

 

Alex

[MissCanuck]

I would definitely not go.

 

You're going to leave there feeling awful that she's no longer yours. Don't do that to yourself. It's going to be so much harder than you think.

[ParisPaulette]

Way too soon. You can tell her you'll see her after you are fully over her, and if she changes her mind about the breakup she knows where to find you. That leaves the door open just a touch, let's her know you are moving on and her door is closing, and keeps you out of that awful, ""you've been demoted from love to friend" zone.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened but your gut instincts are correct.

 

It's her idea not yours so don't accept a pity friendzone bday date. Tell her you are quite busy these days with getting stuff done (be vague) and go no contact except for collecting owed money (make sure she's not playing nice to have that dismissed or extended).

[afisher]

Thank you both. This is the answer I was expecting but not the one I wanted to hear, obviously. It makes perfect sense not to go but very tempting to see her again.

 

The warning signs are there - she said "swing by although I don't know if you'd want to" and "It'll be nice to see u, but really no pressure. I don't want u to feel uncomfortable if u think u will." This all says "look, I've moved on, you're a nice guy and it'd be nice to catch up but it'll probably be upsetting for you because you're still hugely into me".

 

So I'd be setting myself up for more hurt but something is pulling me towards this - the hope that I can keep my calm, walk away and she contacts me afterwards or the next day and says she misses me or wants to hang out. It's probably unlikely but if I tell her I'm not coming because I need time to get over her, then there's literally no hope we'll get back together.

[afisher]

What do you mean, Gavin de Becker?

[boltnrun]

What do you mean, Gavin de Becker?

 

That's her signature quote. Not directed at you or meant to be a response.

[MissCanuck]

Thank you both. This is the answer I was expecting but not the one I wanted to hear, obviously. It makes perfect sense not to go but very tempting to see her again.

 

The warning signs are there - she said "swing by although I don't know if you'd want to" and "It'll be nice to see u, but really no pressure. I don't want u to feel uncomfortable if u think u will." This all says "look, I've moved on, you're a nice guy and it'd be nice to catch up but it'll probably be upsetting for you because you're still hugely into me".

 

So I'd be setting myself up for more hurt but something is pulling me towards this - the hope that I can keep my calm, walk away and she contacts me afterwards or the next day and says she misses me or wants to hang out. It's probably unlikely but if I tell her I'm not coming because I need time to get over her, then there's literally no hope we'll get back together.

 

Why are you making that assumption? Couples sometimes reunite after real time and space away from each other. I don't see why you're viewing this birthday as a last-chance-forever-and-ever moment. It seems to me you're trying to justify going, in a certain sense. But really, the relationship has already ended. You wouldn't be attending this function as a potential partner. You'd be attending as an ex partner.

 

Imagine the night like this: you show up. You want to hug and kiss her and hold her hand, but you can't. You watch other people interact with her and laugh and she seems happy and jolly, while you're crumbling inside. You start reflecting on the times you made her laugh and smile like that, and you wonder why she doesn't want it anymore. At the end of the night, you give her a hug and remember how nice she felt in your arms. You smell that familiar smell. And then? She pulls away from you, thanks you for coming, and you feel awful you can't hold her a little longer. You feel awful thinking you'll never see her again. You wave and turn around and go home while she keeps up the revelry with her friends. Sound like fun? Believe me, it's not.

 

I think she offered you the invite not as a means of reconciliation but because she wants to be kind and extend an olive branch, even though the relationship is over.

 

You say you broke up because you wanted more than she could give. What does that mean, exactly?

[catfeeder]

I wanted/needed more from her than she was willing to give.

 

There's no way I'd go. She can casually pull that off, but you're the needy one--you need to protect yourself and drop off of her radar.

[afisher]

Well, of course you were all right. Against your advice and my better judgement, I went. The lunch was awkward. I was being my nice friendly charming self with everyone and she was frosty and moody. Once the lunch had finished we were left alone together outside the restaurant. We popped into the coffee shop next door to get a take-out and were exchanging pleasantries when she cheekily asked me for a lift home. I kept maintaining the moral high ground by being polite and friendly. We drove back to her place catching up along the way. Then we sat outside her flat in the car for an hour and had a constructive discussion. When we split 2 weeks back it was over text, which is always bad. So this time it allowed a more mature and constructive exchange. It ended well. She kissed and hugged me. We left each other with only a goodbye and no commitment beyond that. I felt a bit more closure and the confidence to finally decide that I can back off and focus on myself. A couple of hours later she messaged me telling me how nice it was to see me. Sounds lame but knowing her as I do and her recent behaviour toward me, that was a minor victory. So, that's it. I felt some closure that I can step back and get on with stuff. Let her come to me, if she ever does... Thank you all.