First relationship after escaping domestic violence

[wearygoddess]

I finally escaped my abusive parents last December. I had the threat of homelessness hanging over my head all of 2016. My friends all ditched me when I told them I was suicidal. I moved to a new city and am trying to make friends. That's my background. I'm 19 and I have PTSD. I met a guy in October and we bonded over shared experiences and interests. I had only met one other person, my best friend in highschool, who I related to on such a level and he told me he felt the same. We started dating in January and it turned out that we both needed a place to live about the same time so we moved in together to save money. Half the time I love it. He's kind and emotionally open and sweet and funny and supportive and interesting. He's basically everything I've been looking for. The hitch is that a) this is my first relationship (super controlling family, didn't have the opportunity to date) and b) I don't have any good role models ie. positive relationships to go by. I'm struggling to find balance. I feel like my spirit got broken last year and all my aspirations have vanished. I'm not suicidal anymore and I'm going to therapy and I just started a second antidepressant. But I just feel lost. I was never given freedom to make my own decisions and I frequently find myself going along with whatever my partner wants out of habit and from my past history of being abused when I voiced my opinions. I try to remind myself daily that he's not like that and that I don't need to afraid anymore, but I feel like a shell of a person. In addition, I feel like I get saddled with too much of the household management. I want us to be equal partners and he has told me the same. How do I get what I want/need? How do I find myself in the midst of my first relationship?

[melancholy123]

Keep going to therapy and talk to your therapist about your concerns. You've got a lot on your plate and could use some good advice which hopefully that person can provide.

[Lester]

Generally speaking, people wreck was was born whole and perfect.

They do it out of ignorance.

 

The ignorance comes from refusing to allow bad times teach them.

This refusal leads to repeating parents/caretaker mistakes.

 

-----

- Allow the bad to prompt your education and understanding.

- Pray.

- Develop healthy eating/exercise habits.

- Use medications as prescribed, but with plans discontinue.

- Become active in helping others and making friends.

[Wiseman2]

Are you both working? Jumping into a living situation can be a shock and requires good communication and boundaries. Set up a household budget and stuff like chores etc. be fair but not rigid.

 

Continue medical treatment and therapy. A partner can't make everything right and can at most be understanding. Develop a healthy lifestyle. Plan good meals and activity, fitness etc. Also make sure you have enough down time to relax and just enjoy each other at home and going out doing stuff. Don't get in a rut.

 

You can't change the past or your upbringing so take whatever strength you have and use that to create the life you want to live. Were they physically abusive? Do you have siblings?

We started dating in January and it turned out that we both needed a place to live about the same time so we moved in together to save money. I feel like I get saddled with too much of the household management.

[Mavrik]

I finally managed to get out of my DV controlling family relationship and was a she'll like you

 

It takes time to get over it, but you now need to see yourself as a blank canvas and you can now paint on this what you want (make yourself how you want to be).

 

I'm such a great, fun, caring and funny person compared to how I was at home

 

Maybe you need to be as assertive as you feel you can be, in the home with your new partner just to gage reaction. He may accept what you say as he's doing what he thinks maybe right in his own mind as you don't say any thing

 

You'll get there one day, I certainly have

 

Take care and all the best

[lostandhurt]

Make an agreement with him that as soon as you can afford a place of your own you will be moving out so you can begin to discover what you are made of and make your life yours. Make sure he knows it isn't about him but for you to be a better gf you need to learn to stand on your own and build up your self esteem.

 

In the mean time express to him what you told us here. You have to begin to trust again if you are ever to make it out of the mindset you carry from your awful parents.

 

Lost

[catfeeder]

As long as you choose relationships out of necessity rather than desire, you will feel trapped in them and come to resent them. Work with a therapist, a woman's shelter, or a domestic violence agency for counseling and to form a plan for another living arrangement. Then you'll be positioned to learn whether this relationship is one you'll want to keep or whether you need to grow beyond it.