Broke up with boyfriend of 3.5 years..need advice

[Mmh1988]

Hi there! I guess I'm looking for a non-biased perspective on a break up I'm struggling with.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend a little over a month ago. We were together 3.5 years, lived together, actually relocated from our home state to another state with each other. I'm 29 and he's 32, if that matters. And we had been living together for 2.5 years.

 

Anyway... upon breaking up with him I have since moved away back to my home state because I couldn't stay around (literally would have just gotten back together with him). The reason we broke up is because I caught him on 4 or 5 occasions texting his ex girlfriend (who, by the way, lives back in our home state and I'm very certain there's been no physical cheating). The first 2 times it was extremely inappropriate and the other times it was less inappropriate (still inappropriate, though). BUT to me what is worse is he knew how much it hurt me, saw me in tears over this, and each time I caught him he promised he would stop. He swears up and down it's an "attention" thing and doesn't mean anything, etc.

 

Well, on this last time I caught it, I couldn't take being disrespected anymore behind my back. He obviously didn't have intentions to truly stop and it kept breaking my heart and making me feel inadequate, so I was forced into breaking it off. He knew that's what would happen too, because the time before last that I caught it I made it clear that if it ever happens again we are over. He was quite in shock about it and I think very shocked I actually took a stand and left him. He didn't even really try to argue with me about it much - I think he knew he f'd up for the last time and there wasn't much to be said in terms of trying to salvage anything.

 

So anyway, now that a few weeks have passed he's trying to tell me he loves me very much and he wants to work through his personal issues, and he wants to eventually work it out between us and be back together.

 

I just don't know what to think of that. To be very honest, I love him so much and thought he was the person I wanted to spend my life with. He is definitely my best friend, and I miss him like crazy. It's so sad to me that we lost everything because he couldn't stop messaging with his ex behind my back.

 

Aside from texting his ex, our relationship was quite good. We got along effortlessly and shared countless great experiences together. But I just can't take a back seat to him talking to her... especially when he's seen how much emotional damage it does to me and still continues doing it (all he did do differently this last time around was get better at hiding it, which is horrible). Needless to say, it tears me up inside

 

My friends and family are like forget him, you deserve better, etc... but I just can't help but think of what we could have been if he just would have changed. Or what we could be if he comes back to me a few months or so down the line asking for another chance.

 

Is me having even an ounce of hope about him ever changing completely pointless? I'm so tired of being hurt. The logical side of me says it's time to move on no matter how bad it hurts, but my emotional side is in a very different place.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Thanks,

M

 

EDIT; the first two times i caught these text messages he was saying things to her like "you're the woman for me" and "I want to be with you" and reminiscing about "how hot it was when they gave each other massages" etc. it was horrible, so for the person who responded saying it's just texts - I want to be clear the context of these text messages were very very inappropriate and hurtful.

[youngatheart88]

Him texting or chatting, is it so important that it overshadow your relationship?

No one can be perfect and it won't be found.

I would suggest tot reconsider why you are so emotionally troubled with this.

It may be just nonserious banter to him, most guys play like this.

I't s still a way off from cheating.

but by all means, if you can't accept then it's over.

 

I'm listening to some Kenny Rogers...it helps

[MissCanuck]

Too little, too late. In my opinion.

 

You said the texts were inappropriate. He knew how that made you feel and that you would leave. And now he's remorseful?

 

It shoudn't have taken a break-up for him to understand how wrong his behaviour was. I would prefer a man who didn't do it in the first place, wouldn't you?

[MissCanuck]

Him texting or chatting, is it so important that it overshadow your relationship?

No one can be perfect and it won't be found.

I would suggest tot reconsider why you are so emotionally troubled with this.

It may be just nonserious banter to him, most guys play like this.

I't s still a way off from cheating.

but by all means, if you can't accept then it's over.

 

I'm listening to some Kenny Rogers...it helps

 

OP said they were extremely inappropriate. That is not "nonserious banter".

 

Sorry, but real men do not play like that. Not at the age of 32 when they know what is at stake. Come on, now.

[Hollyj]

He does not love or respect you. He is upset because you are no longer buying his nonsense and being his doormat.

 

He has a problem with emotional cheating and attention seeking. HE CHEATED ON YOU!!!!

 

You should have been done, after the first episode.I would hope that you would want better for yourself. I can't believe that you are considering forgiving him, yet again!

[Hollyj]

Him texting or chatting, is it so important that it overshadow your relationship?

No one can be perfect and it won't be found.

I would suggest tot reconsider why you are so emotionally troubled with this.

It may be just nonserious banter to him, most guys play like this.

I't s still a way off from cheating.

but by all means, if you can't accept then it's over.

 

I'm listening to some Kenny Rogers...it helps

 

Really! Most guys do not do this. Do you???

 

The guy was cheating on her period! Would you be OK with your partner having sexual conversations with another????

 

"No one can be perfect and it won't be found." Ridiculous thing to say. So, we should simply allow people to cheat and disrespect us???

[Hollyj]

Him texting or chatting, is it so important that it overshadow your relationship?

No one can be perfect and it won't be found.

I would suggest tot reconsider why you are so emotionally troubled with this.

It may be just nonserious banter to him, most guys play like this.

I't s still a way off from cheating.

but by all means, if you can't accept then it's over.

 

I'm listening to some Kenny Rogers...it helps

 

From reading your thread about your gf, I can see you have zero boundaries. Now, I can see why you would advise the way you did.

 

I see that you are married with kids, and have a very young girlfriend on the side. Good grief!

[TheRawTruth]

Listen. ALL guys try to apologize a few weeks AFTER the fact and claim they'll change. Your man is no different. It's an innate TRAIT.

 

Get caught.

Apologize.

Promise to stop.

Get caught again.

Promise to stop.

Hide it better.

Get caught again.

Repeat.

UNTILLLLL, the woman does what YOU did, which is LEAVE.

 

At THAT point, he makes the same BS promises that he made the LAST few times he got caught, and decides he wants to work on things. Well, why didn't he keep his word BEFORE? Oh, because he didn't think you'd actually LEAVE, that's why. But here's the truth: If he can stop NOW, he could've stopped THEN.

 

What's the point of moving out and changing states if you're just gonna get back together? You think that leaving is what "woke him up" and now he knows you're serious. But all that tells me is that he DIDN'T think you were serious BEFORE. Didn't believe you. Thought he could keep doing the same crap and you'd STAY. Well, now he found out the hard way.

 

Now, you may be thinking: "You don't realize what you have until it's gone. Now that I'm gone, he realized it." But I say, it still has to BE gone for more than just a couple WEEKS in order for them to get the message. If you turn around and go back now, he'll just know that was a close one, and to be EXTRA careful next time. He's saying it's all about attention. WHO CARES about her attention, if he HAS YOU? I don't buy that bull***t, and neither should you.

[Mmh1988]

Yes, thank you for the response. I do agree with what you've said. I'm not planning to move back for him or anything at this point. And even if we were to reconvene he would need to come to me. I'm just wondering if maybe in a few months he really COULD change and show respect for me and our relationship if we ever got back together.

 

I generally think people are who they are and when someone shows you who they are you should believe them; but that gets convoluted when I love the person. Change is a hard thing, and while I wish he could or would I also know that is probably not going to be likely.

[Knight2001]

hi,

sorry to hear about your situation, it doesnt sound good. a couple of words have popped up, and if i could i'd like to highlight them to you.

"lie" - he's lied to you that he will stop, because he didnt

"respect" - does he respect you if he's sending inappropriate messages to his ex ?

"love" - if he does the two above can he really love you ?

personally i think you deserve better, i mean anyone would deserve better. his ex is in his past, why is he contacting her ? i have children with one of my exes and i never hear from her from one year to the next. i only have her number in case of absolute emergencies.

if i was in your shoes i would try to move on from this man, there are plenty of men out there who are not liars or cheats.

good luck.

[DancingFool]

Listen. ALL guys try to apologize a few weeks AFTER the fact and claim they'll change. Your man is no different. It's an innate TRAIT.

 

Get caught.

Apologize.

Promise to stop.

Get caught again.

Promise to stop.

Hide it better.

Get caught again.

Repeat.

UNTILLLLL, the woman does what YOU did, which is LEAVE.

 

At THAT point, he makes the same BS promises that he made the LAST few times he got caught, and decides he wants to work on things. Well, why didn't he keep his word BEFORE? Oh, because he didn't think you'd actually LEAVE, that's why. But here's the truth: If he can stop NOW, he could've stopped THEN.

 

What's the point of moving out and changing states if you're just gonna get back together? You think that leaving is what "woke him up" and now he knows you're serious. But all that tells me is that he DIDN'T think you were serious BEFORE. Didn't believe you. Thought he could keep doing the same crap and you'd STAY. Well, now he found out the hard way.

 

Now, you may be thinking: "You don't realize what you have until it's gone. Now that I'm gone, he realized it." But I say, it still has to BE gone for more than just a couple WEEKS in order for them to get the message. If you turn around and go back now, he'll just know that was a close one, and to be EXTRA careful next time. He's saying it's all about attention. WHO CARES about her attention, if he HAS YOU? I don't buy that bull***t, and neither should you.

 

^ This. Print it out. Put it on your fridge. Every single time you feel weak and thinking you might want to let him back into your life, read this again and STOP. Do not go there.

 

In fact, do yourself a huge favor and cut off all communication with him so you are not being tempted by his bs. Your family, your friends, your rational side - they are all correct. You left this cheating lying loser and you need to stay gone. You absolutely deserve better.

 

To answer your question - no, nobody ever fundamentally changes in just a few months. It's simply not possible. All he can do in a few months is figure out how to pretend he has changed....and keep up the appearances, the deceit and the lies better for longer. For someone to change for real, he'd have to work for up to two years intensively with counseling, therapy, actually work his tail off to rewire his brain. It's a difficult task and few people actually succeed. Much easier just to find someone with less self respect who will put up with their cheating ways. Besides, to be successful, he would need to decide that he needs to change for his own sake and not just because he got dumped and it's hurting his ego at the moment.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent you ended it and moved out. There are no 'what ifs?". You've had 3.5 yrs of seeing is believing.

 

Just around the corner there will be a local, decent guy and you'll look back and wonder "what was I thinking?", not "what if?".

I have since moved away back to my home state. I couldn't take being disrespected anymore behind my back.

[Hollyj]

Yes, thank you for the response. I do agree with what you've said. I'm not planning to move back for him or anything at this point. And even if we were to reconvene he would need to come to me. I'm just wondering if maybe in a few months he really COULD change and show respect for me and our relationship if we ever got back together.

 

I generally think people are who they are and when someone shows you who they are you should believe them; but that gets convoluted when I love the person. Change is a hard thing, and while I wish he could or would I also know that is probably not going to be likely.

 

No. He did this multiple times, not once.

 

Don't be a doormat and a fool, unless you want to return to the same.

[TheRawTruth]

 

I generally think people are who they are and when someone shows you who they are you should believe them; but that gets convoluted when I love the person. Change is a hard thing, and while I wish he could or would I also know that is probably not going to be likely.

 

Of course it does. But remember, love doesn't change the FACTS. (Nor should it change what is ACCEPTABLE.) It shouldn't make you blind either. If he's showing you who he is, why NOT believe him? Because you love him? Being in love doesn't mean you have to lie to yourself, or refuse to see what's in front of you. I get that you probably want to believe IN him, BECAUSE you love him. But I would remove the word "in" from that equation, and re-say it. "Believe HIM." In other words, believe in what he's SHOWN you. Just because you love him doesn't make his actions anymore acceptable in a relationship.

 

Now your second question: Could he change in a few months? Possibly, but unlikely. My ex claimed she changed after a few months of US breaking up. But in speaking with her, I could still see glimpses of the BS I wanted to leave behind. That told me she hadn't changed ENOUGH. If a change is real, you'll see it. Don't WAIT for it or HOPE for it though. Live your live. Otherwise you moved away just to stand STILL.