coolgirl Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Last week I posted in the suicide section and thank you to those people who have responded kindly to me and gave me their support through out everything. I'm doing okay for the time being. I'm not gong to blame my diagnoses for my faults, but I do blame myself for not being able to get myself together. You see I have very big trust issues because I've been so emotionally drained through my past 12 years that I forgot how it feels to be normal. And built this wall around me not being able to let people into my life easily anymore. As soon as my wall comes down I get too sensitive and emotional towards anyone that walks into my life. I guess what it is I'm afraid and scared getting involved with either unavailable people or available people. With unavailable people once the walls comes down its hard to close it back up again. I just want to crawl back into my shell. Either I find unavailable people or unavailable people find me. Some are honest and some are not. You see I have issues with people in general. I just don't get along with anyone easily anymore. And when I do get along with anyone its only short term. I literally don't know what my problem with people anymore. The friends I use to have I kicked one person I knew sense middle school out of my life couple of months ago. the other friend i use to have well she has her own life with a kid on the way, we barley talk anymore, and now recently I had this really great awesome friend of mine that I've known for 9 months I had to let him go because he's unavailable. He didn't find me I found him. Even though I was reluctant at first talking to him I found my feelings were getting in the way. And I had to let him go and back off as well. maybe I'm just not meant to have anyone around me anymore. He didn't do anything wrong he was amazing towards me it's me. I just didn't want to get too comfortable around him and I ended up telling my feelings too if I didn't and would had gone on it would had been twice harder. I told him I would never ever act on it and wished him the best. If my d.........a............ feelings were getting in the way then I wouldn't have had this problem to begin with. Hopefully he'll forgive me and hopefully one day forget me that I even existed in the first place. So in general all I want to do is crawl back in my shell and not get the H........ out because I feel like a total idiot for mentioning it, I feel embarrassed, I think he's better off without me in his life. I'm fine I"m okay. Maybe it's for the best ! So the title say's it all. Link to comment
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