greta96 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 I have a couple of threads on the latest saga with my ex, the one who hurt me so badly 6 years ago and who "came back" in my life at the end of last year, all apologetic and willing to make it up to me, and I got some very honest opinions. The ending of the saga is that he has now ghosted leaving me gutted, wondering what on earth could I have done to him that was so wrong, that he not only messed with my head all those years ago, but came back and did it again!? A month ago we hung out for what unbeknownst to me was going to be the last time, and we had a great time (I thought). It's then that I told him clearly, in no uncertain terms, that as long as he was in a relationship there was going to be no sex, and after that day is when I started noticing him distancing himself. The calls got fewer and further between, the tone changed, I just knew something was up. And now I haven't heard from him in 10 days, which means he's gone for good. I'm left wondering why? Why did he fake regret for the past, missing me, wanting to talk to me, and - most hurtful of all - wanting my friendship? Can a 50+ year old man be this petty? Don't they grow up by this point? He spent 3 months talking to me on the phone for hours, and every time we saw each other we spent 8-ish hours each time, and had a great time. Yes he did try to end up in bed every time, so I'm guessing when that didn't happen he saw these get togethers as a waste of time, but still... I'm having trouble coping, because he had actually managed to convince me that he was serious about us being friends, and I had opened up to him emotionally. I find it evil that he only pretended to be different, only to drop me like a cockroach 3 months later. It's like my wildest dream came true, only to have it shattered for no reason what so ever before I even had the chance to enjoy it! I realize he is a selfish, egotistical cheater, and that I dodged a bullet both times, but it doesn't help me feel better. I keep wondering if any of the things he told me (that we have a special connection, that I was the only one who 'got' him, etc) was true, or is was all made up. I spent all these years trying to get over the hurt he had inflicted on me, and now I'm right back where I started, only because I wanted to give him a second chance. Link to comment
Matt3939 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 I'm sorry you had to deal with this twice. Considering he was in a relationship you should have known he wasn't serious. You deserve better than this guy. Good luck Link to comment
SherrySher Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 Yes, some men really can be this petty. My ex was the same, came back into my life, wanted to be "friends" made me believe that he could be a good man again and decent. We spent time talking and I felt we were genuinely building a good friendship again. I told him the same thing, no sex. And same response, suddenly he did not care about the friendship or me anymore. I still tried to talk with him as we had done, he did not care to. So yep, some men never change. Be glad you are done with him...it's his loss. And who needs that in their life anyhow? It's disappointing, but at least it's another clear cut sign that neither of us lost anything great. I will never let my ex fool me like that again...never. Link to comment
holistic17 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 I'm so sad to hear this happened. But as much as you don't really want to believe that all he wanted was sex, I think it's best you accept that it was the reason. My guess is that he thought you would be an easy target, as you have history together and he took advantage of your forgiveness from the past. The fact that he tried to get you to bed every time you met? There's your answer. I had a similar situation a couple of years ago when someone wormed their way back in with me. Knowing I would stupidly let them in. When I told him I wouldn't sleep with him so quickly, I never heard from him again. I think you need to learn about why you think you gave him another chance, despite the hurt he previously gave you. Once you figure out that weakness, forgive yourself for it and let it go. There's always one or two people in our past that we will always have a weak spot for. The key is to keep them at arms length if you know they are manipulative and selfish. Look at his actions more than his words. Words are cheap. Give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself. Link to comment
greta96 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Share Posted March 17, 2017 Yes, some men really can be this petty. My ex was the same, came back into my life, wanted to be "friends" made me believe that he could be a good man again and decent. We spent time talking and I felt we were genuinely building a good friendship again. I told him the same thing, no sex. And same response, suddenly he did not care about the friendship or me anymore. I still tried to talk with him as we had done, he did not care to. So yep, some men never change. Be glad you are done with him...it's his loss. And who needs that in their life anyhow? It's disappointing, but at least it's another clear cut sign that neither of us lost anything great. I will never let my ex fool me like that again...never. Wow, I'm sorry you had to go through this too, it's really a special kind of painful... I wish I knew how their minds work, because I know that if I wasn't interested in a guy, I would never waste my time trying to "make it up" to him just for some sex that I could get anywhere else, with much less effort. He will never get another chance with me, that's a given...but it will take me a while to fix what got broken this time around. I was ok with us not having worked out romantically, but I always felt we had potential to become great friends. I guess not... I now doubt he even saw me as a friend (ever). Link to comment
greta96 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Share Posted March 17, 2017 I'm so sad to hear this happened. But as much as you don't really want to believe that all he wanted was sex, I think it's best you accept that it was the reason. My guess is that he thought you would be an easy target, as you have history together and he took advantage of your forgiveness from the past. The fact that he tried to get you to bed every time you met? There's your answer. I had a similar situation a couple of years ago when someone wormed their way back in with me. Knowing I would stupidly let them in. When I told him I wouldn't sleep with him so quickly, I never heard from him again. I think you need to learn about why you think you gave him another chance, despite the hurt he previously gave you. Once you figure out that weakness, forgive yourself for it and let it go. There's always one or two people in our past that we will always have a weak spot for. The key is to keep them at arms length if you know they are manipulative and selfish. Look at his actions more than his words. Words are cheap. Give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself. Yes, he is the only guy I have ever had a soft spot for, which is why I wanted to give him a chance...plus to me, I thought it was going to be the best closure I could have ever gotten. Well it was in a way, because now I know I never meant anything to him, while up until this happened I thought we just didn't work out. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 ). It's then that I told him clearly, in no uncertain terms, that as long as he was in a relationship there was going to be no sex, and after that day is when I started noticing him distancing himself. The calls got fewer and further between, the tone changed,. Don't ever trust someone who crawls out of one woman's bed and is simultaneously trying to warm up yours. Just don't even go there. Show them the door. I don't care how charming and convincing they are. I am sorry. Yes. . there are profoundly selfish people out there who don't care how their actions effect others. AND they are very convincing as well. The very moment you found out he was currently in a relationship should have been the moment you turned him away. If he was really important to you, tell him to come back once he's been free and clear for at least 6 mo's. But not until then. I am sorry you are going through this again. It seems incredibly unfair. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 that as long as he was in a relationship there was going to be no sex, and after that day is when I started noticing him distancing himself - This says plenty.... You don't want him again anyways.. do YOU??. he is an ex for reason's, I'm sure.... so get your strength back in you and put an end to everything re: him.. again! No games. Can a 50+ year old man be this petty? Don't they grow up by this point? - Yes, darn right they can be this... petty. Some people NEVER change.. he was just testing the waters.. again. Now, you've learned? Don't go there- again!... Ever. They are Ex's for reasons! The thing I ask is... WHY did you two go this far.. again, when you knew he was in a relationship? A weakness.. for an unstable man? Get it back together- for your own mental sanity. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 I understand why this hurt you, Greta. I too wanted to have a good friendship with my ex, I missed knowing him. He really had been a good friend at one time and a good sense of humour, etc. But the romance and sex just did not work and I wasn't going to fool myself again that it would. I sincerely was happy to think that he could be back in my life again and we could get to know each other again and be good friends and be adults about it all..it seemed like a long time coming and I knew it would help heal me too. I know that it must have hurt his ego to some degree to know that I did not want him in an intimate way anymore, but I also thought that he too must have known that we didn't work well in that regard..? I guess much like you, I felt happy that he did want me as a person back in his life,... that I still mattered to him as a friend. When I took sex off the table and he turned away completely, it felt like a slap in the face and it made me feel devalued as a human being to him. It also made me feel betrayed (he pretended I was important enough to him for friendship). Yes, it hurts. And it's not even the same kind of hurt as us ending the first time around, this was different but yet still painful. It was like I now had to get to used to the fact that he truly did not care about me as a human being, he only wanted one thing from me and that really stung. The pain will lessen though and it won't be as hurtful anymore. You may still have bittersweet memories and thoughts, but it's best to not concentrate on all of it.Remember the good memories and think of him as someone you once knew. It saves you from holding onto the anger and it will help release the pain. Have acceptance that he is now apart of your past. Link to comment
greta96 Posted March 18, 2017 Author Share Posted March 18, 2017 I understand why this hurt you, Greta. I too wanted to have a good friendship with my ex, I missed knowing him. He really had been a good friend at one time and a good sense of humour, etc. But the romance and sex just did not work and I wasn't going to fool myself again that it would. I sincerely was happy to think that he could be back in my life again and we could get to know each other again and be good friends and be adults about it all..it seemed like a long time coming and I knew it would help heal me too. I know that it must have hurt his ego to some degree to know that I did not want him in an intimate way anymore, but I also thought that he too must have known that we didn't work well in that regard..? I guess much like you, I felt happy that he did want me as a person back in his life,... that I still mattered to him as a friend. When I took sex off the table and he turned away completely, it felt like a slap in the face and it made me feel devalued as a human being to him. It also made me feel betrayed (he pretended I was important enough to him for friendship). Yes, it hurts. And it's not even the same kind of hurt as us ending the first time around, this was different but yet still painful. It was like I now had to get to used to the fact that he truly did not care about me as a human being, he only wanted one thing from me and that really stung. The pain will lessen though and it won't be as hurtful anymore. You may still have bittersweet memories and thoughts, but it's best to not concentrate on all of it.Remember the good memories and think of him as someone you once knew. It saves you from holding onto the anger and it will help release the pain. Have acceptance that he is now apart of your past. This is EXACTLY how I feel, word for word! I couldn't have explained it better myself! We really did go through the exact same thing Sherry... No, I did not want him back as a partner because his lifestyle and mine are so completely different, plus he is a proven cheater, with so many unreasonable standards for the women in his life that nobody would ever be able to live up to them (not that he lives up to the same standards). But as a friend, I thought we had so much in common, all our phone conversations were hours long and we never ran out of things to talk about. He said I was the only person he could talk to like that - and now this happens, which negates everything he's told me in the past few months. I feel like I failed as a person. I hope you're right, and the pain will lessen. You've been though it, you'd know Link to comment
greta96 Posted March 18, 2017 Author Share Posted March 18, 2017 that as long as he was in a relationship there was going to be no sex, and after that day is when I started noticing him distancing himself - This says plenty.... You don't want him again anyways.. do YOU??. . No, I really don't, as a partner. But as a friend, I thought we had something special. You're right, I do have a weakness for him, but you're also right - he is unstable. He's gone anyway, and there is no coming back. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 I told him clearly, in no uncertain terms, that as long as he was in a relationship there was going to be no sex, and after that day is when I started noticing him distancing himself. It made no sense to even mess with the guy when you knew he was in a relationship. Now you're gutted over someone who wanted to cheat on his partner? Raise your bar. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Sorry to hear this but unfortunately this theory sounds correct 96;6774609]Yes he did try to end up in bed every time, so I'm guessing when that didn't happen he saw these get togethers as a waste of time Link to comment
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