cant take it, gonna be the bad guy

[conflictedwife]

I have been with my husband for almost 5 years and married 4 years in July. We have a 2 year old child together and I have a 9 year old from a previous relationship. The thing is, My husband, is great.. really... he literally worships the ground I walk on, and loves me tremendously. He recently lost his job, which makes the 2nd one in the 5 years we been together, which to some people Im sure isn't too bad, but In this small town I live in, and the last job he just had was literally one of the best jobs in the town. I was okay with it at first when he told me, I figured we would be okay, and I had recently started working again (I was a stay at home mom for many years before) so I have a job, that's good. but then I got kinda a delayed reaction, and now I cant stand that he doesn't have a job, and hasn't started looking for jobs and its been several weeks already. He has already mentioned maybe having to move out of our house (which I love so much) and trade our car, to downsize on bills, which I understand but at the same time I don't want to have to do all that, im just asking in my head "why cant you provide so I don't have to change my life around?" Its frustrating, I have become more agitated with him, he doesn't notice, but I get annoyed and I often don't want to be at home at all. I cant wait to work, and I try to do most things alone. He smothers me, by telling me all day how amazing I am and beautiful and sexy, and all that. and yes I know there are women who would kill to hear those things, but too much will drive you crazy.. constantly gazing into my eyes, and I dunno.. I just don't want to do that... I felt like me and him were meant to be, and soul mates, and we do have a lot of fun together, but I dunno I just feel that if he really is who Im meant to be with, I wouldn't feel like Im falling out of love with him, I desire the need for alone, and even some issues with my children... parenting is hard, and since Ive been working, he takes care of the kids, but the house stays trashed,. so on top of working I have to come home to a messy house and have to clean on my days off, and shop and take care of the kids, bc "he needs a break" he just started kinda being a stay at home mom and already complains. oh, and mind you hes in his 40's.. Im almost 30 btw... and his mom called and asked if he needed any money for clothes for interviews or anything, and he said no, but wished he could tan so he would have some color.... smh... so now my unemployed husband gets to tan and I don't obviously have the money for me to, (which I don't care if I don't have the money I don't) but... that just seems so petty to me... you gonna score a big job just bc you have some color? I don't get it. even tho hes a great person and dad I just don't know if we will be able to make it. I don't know what to expect in advice.. but I need some sort of help.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like the breadwinner/mr mom role reversal isn't going well and you are losing respect for him. Would you rather go back to being a stay at home mom?

I was a stay at home mom for many years before so I have a job, that's good.and since Ive been working, he takes care of the kids, he just started kinda being a stay at home mom and already complains.

[mike7788]

So a man who worships the ground you walk, has kids with you, always says how amazing you are, respects you and is loyal to you, goes through a rough times or is going through a rough time with a job and money, and suddenly you're falling out of love with him?

 

 

If your life goal is to be content with money and materialistic things and not a husband who will take a bullet for you, move to a big city and start dating a lawyer/accountant who's occupation > you to him.

[Clio]

You made a commitment to support each other. He supported you while you were a stay at home mom. It's your turn to help out. It sounds like you are building up resentment. As far as domestic chores, you need to negotiate a new arrangement that factors in the fact that you work. You should ask him to do more. However you should also show some understanding as this is new for him. It sounds like you feel that he is not doing enough. Only you know whether that is realy the case. Chances are that he is stressed/scared of his current unemployment. He needs your support hence his clingy behaviour. Your reaction is not constructive. At this point you need to communicate what you need but also be supportive. It could be you in his place in the future.

[ParisPaulette]

You need to sit him down and tell him exactly the things you've told us here in the post before the marriage dissolves into a sea of frustration and pent up anger. If you can't talk to him and get him to wake up that he will lose you if he doesn't get off his backside and at least try to go get a job and/or start helping around the house more then something is far more wrong than just an out-of-work mate.

 

Plus you'd be astonished how quickly people wake up and change their bad behaviors if they think they aren't going to be rewarded for it any more. And yes, you are enabling him to the degree you continue to do all of the household things you did when you were a stay-at-home mom while he now sits at home and doesn't do more and you have to work on top of that.

 

In short, yeah you're going to have to grow a spine and be willing to tell him to start contributing. That he has lost a job, we all understand that. But it's no excuse that he isn't even trying to find one and is saddling you with everything, already trying to talk you into the idea of him just not ever going back to work - which is what that whole sell the house and downsize thing is - and you are building up so much resentment here and saying nothing.

 

P.S. This not about him just being out of a job, and you now wanting to dump him over it. It's about the fact he's not trying to find another job, and yet is expecting you to still do all of the household work in addition to the job. So it's time to rearrange your agreements and who does what in the marriage is all. But he should be out there trying to get another job or picking up more of the household chores. If you both decide he can be a stay-at-home husband you need to talk and agree on that and then enforce, each of you, the rules of the new ararangement.

[conflictedwife]

mike7788no need to make me feel like I don't appreciate anything.... My husband chooses to smoke weed everyday and lose his job and b***ches everyday about the kids, and just took a trip to Chicago, away from the family. been weeks and not applied? Your a man right? He may be a good man, but a family has needs and priorities.. me being upset isn't normal?

and I am not a person who cares about materialistic things, I don't need a lot of money, but yeah, some money to keep heat in my house and bills would be nice, my little 8$ an hour job isn't going to cut it.. family of 4.......

[Seraphim]

Was he always a weed smoker?

[conflictedwife]

when we first got together he didn't, and then throughout our relationship we both like to toke down, but it goes a little too far when you don't want to stop bc of a drug test, or how can I get by with passing a test.. I dunno.... Its just frustrating...

[Seraphim]

It is pretty common with chronic weed use to become really unmotivated.

[conflictedwife]

it is, but Ill have to be honest, some people have a hard time getting motivated, maybe would seem lazy when stoned, but some people don't, I actually and more motivated when I am that way... but I don't let it take control of me either,

[Hollyj]

So a man who worships the ground you walk, has kids with you, always says how amazing you are, respects you and is loyal to you, goes through a rough times or is going through a rough time with a job and money, and suddenly you're falling out of love with him?

 

 

If your life goal is to be content with money and materialistic things and not a husband who will take a bullet for you, move to a big city and start dating a lawyer/accountant who's occupation > you to him.

 

There are four mouths to feed. All the compliments in the world do it okay the bills.

 

The dude is not looking for work, nor doing his share around the house. This is a problem. He is concerned about tanning.

[Hollyj]

mike7788no need to make me feel like I don't appreciate anything.... My husband chooses to smoke weed everyday and lose his job and b***ches everyday about the kids, and just took a trip to Chicago, away from the family. been weeks and not applied? Your a man right? He may be a good man, but a family has needs and priorities.. me being upset isn't normal?

and I am not a person who cares about materialistic things, I don't need a lot of money, but yeah, some money to keep heat in my house and bills would be nice, my little 8$ an hour job isn't going to cut it.. family of 4.......

 

Where in the world is he getting money for weed and trips? And, he wants to downsize!

 

He sounds like a manchild. Why are you enabling him?

[HeartGoesOn]

^

I was about to ask this very same question. How does he buy weed if he's not working, and you're struggling with the bills?

[evad1]

I hope he isn't depressed. For better or for worse though right? You'll have to seat him down and let him know he needs to be looking for work and arrange something as far as the house work.

[Wiseman2]

Doesn't your first ex pay child support? Does your current husband also look after that child? Are you concerned he can't or won't get jobs because of drug testing and because he's watching the kids now?

 

Who watched the kids when you both worked?

My husband chooses to smoke weed everyday and lose his job and b***ches everyday about the kids. some money to keep heat in my house and bills would be nice, my little 8$ an hour job isn't going to cut it.. family of 4.......

[catfeeder]

So a man who worships the ground you walk, has kids with you, always says how amazing you are, respects you and is loyal to you, goes through a rough times or is going through a rough time with a job and money, and suddenly you're falling out of love with him?

 

If your life goal is to be content with money and materialistic things and not a husband who will take a bullet for you, move to a big city and start dating a lawyer/accountant who's occupation > you to him.

 

This is melodramatic. She's not asking him to 'take a bullet,' just to step up and seek work.

 

OP, this is out of balance:

"why cant you provide so I don't have to change my life around?"

 

There's no reason why you can't both team up to provide. I wouldn't stew in resentment and build that up, I'd negotiate with him and explain why it's important to you that he looks for work immediately instead of tanning and smoking weed. Ask him what he wants from you in exchange for that effort, so you'll both get a win out of the deal.

[KantSleep]

He needs to start looking for work asap. That is what I would do, if I got fired from a job. After that, i would make sure I never got fired again. You have my sympathy. He should keep the house clean. He isn't doing anything else.