Cheating Husband

[sugarlessqueen]

Ok where do I start? My life is in a million pieces right now. I thought I had married the guy of my dreams. I mean we have 3 beautiful boys together a set of twins an a younger son. Me an my husband have known each other since junior high we dated all the way up until our senior year during that time I was pregnant with twins an we still didn't get back together he was already dating someone else. So after having twins we just decided to coparent fast forward two years later he gets the other girl pregnant an now he's a father of 3 so after getting me pregnant with our third child his fourth we decided to get back together an that lasted all of 2 years an we separated again. Now 3yrs have gone by an my youngest is 5 an we decided to start gm dating again. This time around we got married an started a whole new life together. Here's the problem he constantly cheats no matter how many times I catch him he won't stop. Every time it's a different excuse an like a fool I believe him because I don't want my kids to grow up not knowing their father because mine wasn't in my life. A part of me feels like he takes advantage of knowing that. Anyways I just recently caught him cheating again an this time I asked him to move out an I have no clue as to what my next move will be. I mean we've known each other our whole lives basically 15yrs an we're both about to be 30. We've currently been married for 9months an during the 9months I've caught him cheating as in texting other women at least 4 times. I don't know what to do. I don't want my kids to not have their father in their lives but I'm not going to take being cheated on either. I wanna get a divorce but something is also saying work it out. I have no clue what to please help!!!!

[kbbcoop77]

Go read chumplady.com...leave a cheater gain a life! You deserve someone better

[Hollyj]

I don't understand! There are many people that raise children without being married. You knew who this guy was ( serial cheater) yet chose to return to him, again and again.

 

This is not healthy for you or your kids. See a divorce attorney, and do not take this guy back!!!!

[BeeCee]

Ending a romantic relationship with this man does not mean that your children won't know their father. In fact, it is probably much healthier for your children to see their parents in a consistent, stable co-parenting partnership than forging on with an unhappy marriage. This obviously can't be good for your mental well being and self esteem either.

 

I understand it's extremely difficult to walk away from anything you have known for half your life, even when it's a terrible situation. (Even people who have been in prison for a long time fear freedom). But you have persisted with this for 15 years and so you know he is not going to change. You are still young and have most of your life yet to enjoy. Don't waste another 15 plus years on this misery.

[sugarlessqueen]

Thanks for the advice and I will be getting a divorce. I know it's going to be scary but having a healthy life is better than stressing or having a mental break down.

[offthegrid]

I'm going to offer an opinion that I know will be unpopular. A million women will want to claw my eyes out.

 

Why not just let him cheat? Set rules. He can get the girls from Backpage, nothing emotional, no dates in public, he has protection always. Maybe you join in once in a while if you want. Never in the house. He can never talk about it or make it public in any way. He will give you details if you want to know, he won't give you details if you don't want to know. Men tend to cheat in a different way than when women do. It's usually purely physical, a response to an urge.

 

Think about it. You have children together. They're still young. It's better for them and their development that you stay together.

[lostandhurt]

Dump this guy, file for divorce and seek full physical and legal custody of the children and make sure he pays his portion of child support.

 

There is nothing to save here. He is a selfish person that uses others and doesn't even care enough to wear a condom!

 

In this case divorce is the only answer.

Real men do not cheat. Once you heal from all this and get your life going well you will be able to find a real man that knows what true love is and doesn't lie, cheat and act on his selfish feelings.

 

Lost

[lukeb]

I'm going to offer an opinion that I know will be unpopular. A million women will want to claw my eyes out.

 

Why not just let him cheat? Set rules. He can get the girls from Backpage, nothing emotional, no dates in public, he has protection always. Maybe you join in once in a while if you want. Never in the house. He can never talk about it or make it public in any way. He will give you details if you want to know, he won't give you details if you don't want to know. Men tend to cheat in a different way than when women do. It's usually purely physical, a response to an urge.

 

Think about it. You have children together. They're still young. It's better for them and their development that you stay together.

 

 

Yes it is unpopular but considering the relationship and history, it is not like he cheated out of the blue, he has pretty much always cheated and made the relationship work so yes this is something to consider. Are you sure the problem that you have with him cheating isn't out of some way to make yourself seem virtuous? Maybe it is or maybe it isn't but you do have options it is not like you don't have a choice, you do have a choice.

 

I am not saying do or don't divorce just be honest with yourself and your husband about the kind of relationship you have. Don't listen to anyone here that say that you HAVE to divorce and leave him. Divorce him if you want to and think it is best. I would make the starting point with some self reflection and honesty. Have a honest adult conversation. You need t understand that for the people on this site it is not their relationship, this is your relationship and your life and you need to do what is best for yourself. I wish you well.

[itsallgrand]

Just get an annulment and get yourself in therapy. All those years with a cheater , three kids, at least one other child by another mother ( maybe more you don't know about)- I wouldn't try and white knuckle it alone. Something in you has caused you to put up with it and go back for more again and again. You owe it to yourself and your kids to figure out how to make better decisions going forward.

[Hollyj]

I'm going to offer an opinion that I know will be unpopular. A million women will want to claw my eyes out.

 

Why not just let him cheat? Set rules. He can get the girls from Backpage, nothing emotional, no dates in public, he has protection always. Maybe you join in once in a while if you want. Never in the house. He can never talk about it or make it public in any way. He will give you details if you want to know, he won't give you details if you don't want to know. Men tend to cheat in a different way than when women do. It's usually purely physical, a response to an urge.

 

Think about it. You have children together. They're still young. It's better for them and their development that you stay together.

 

Because she does not want to share him with others, and most would not. Is this what we have to settle for this days, just to have a man in our lives? I think that that would be pathetic!!!! And, this would not be good for the children!

 

There is no trust, due to cheating and lies!

 

OP, get yourself tested.

[Tanzi]

You are right not to want to take this anymore. It will never change. Being separated does not mean the father can't still be a part of their lives. You've co-parented before, you can do it again.

[Liraele]

In the end, you're the only person that can give your children a happy mother who loves her life.

 

In my book, that weighs more than co-parenting miserably toward benefiting the children overall.

[lukeb]

Because she does not want to share him with others, and most would not. Is this what we have to settle for this days, just to have a man in our lives? I think that that would be pathetic!!!! And, this would not be good for the children!

 

There is no trust, due to cheating and lies!

 

OP, get yourself tested.

 

Monogamy isn't realistic for everyone, it is not really about what most would not want. Relationships is what we settle for that is just a simple fact around relationships. If you are in a relationship with someone, that someone is what you settle for, and the person you are in a relationship with settled on you. The OP went into this relationship with her eyes wide open and knew what she was getting into. She needs to decide if this is what she wants, but I wouldn't base my decisions on what anyone here tells her what to do. Especially not this site. We need to remember that we are not being asked on what we would do in her situation. We are not her and she is not us. We just need to hope she will make the best decision on what is right for her and her family. We can tell her to be honest with herself and have a honest adult conversation with her husband. We can't expect things that are unrealistic no matter how much we would want that. Part of that is what being an adult is all about. Be realistic about your own shortcomings and be realistic what you can expect from your partner. If you have problems with that, then perhaps you need a therapist, but more likely some people need to learn to grow up. I would include the husband in that too, he also shouldn't put unrealistic expectations on himself and his wife.

[Tanzi]

I'm going to offer an opinion that I know will be unpopular. A million women will want to claw my eyes out.

 

Why not just let him cheat? Set rules. He can get the girls from Backpage, nothing emotional, no dates in public, he has protection always. Maybe you join in once in a while if you want. Never in the house. He can never talk about it or make it public in any way. He will give you details if you want to know, he won't give you details if you don't want to know. Men tend to cheat in a different way than when women do. It's usually purely physical, a response to an urge.

 

Think about it. You have children together. They're still young. It's better for them and their development that you stay together.

 

What a load of old tosh!! All of it!!

 

I would also like to add that I am not with my children's father and there is nothing wrong with my children's development, thank you very much!!!

[Hollyj]

Monogamy isn't realistic for everyone, it is not really about what most would not want. Relationships is what we settle for that is just a simple fact around relationships. If you are in a relationship with someone, that someone is what you settle for, and the person you are in a relationship with settled on you. The OP went into this relationship with her eyes wide open and knew what she was getting into. She needs to decide if this is what she wants, but I wouldn't base my decisions on what anyone here tells her what to do. Especially not this site. We need to remember that we are not being asked on what we would do in her situation. We are not her and she is not us. We just need to hope she will make the best decision on what is right for her and her family. We can tell her to be honest with herself and have a honest adult conversation with her husband. We can't expect things that are unrealistic no matter how much we would want that. Part of that is what being an adult is all about. Be realistic about your own shortcomings and be realistic what you can expect from your partner. If you have problems with that, then perhaps you need a therapist, but more likely some people need to learn to grow up. I would include the husband in that too, he also shouldn't put unrealistic expectations on himself and his wife.

 

She came here for advice. My assumption would be that she would be asking how we would handle things; otherwise, she wouldn't asking.

 

Yes. She knew be He had issues with monogamy. Many settle for unsuitable partners due to insecurity and loneliness. Unfortunately, the kids are forgotten in this dynamic.

 

She is unhappy, he will not change. She needs to get out.

[Hollyj]

I'm going to offer an opinion that I know will be unpopular. A million women will want to claw my eyes out.

 

Why not just let him cheat? Set rules. He can get the girls from Backpage, nothing emotional, no dates in public, he has protection always. Maybe you join in once in a while if you want. Never in the house. He can never talk about it or make it public in any way. He will give you details if you want to know, he won't give you details if you don't want to know. Men tend to cheat in a different way than when women do. It's usually purely physical, a response to an urge.

 

 

 

 

 

Think about it. You have children together. They're still young. It's better for them and their development that you stay together.

 

Let me guess, you're incapable of monogamy. I would never settle for this situation.

[Hollyj]

What a load of old tosh!! All of it!!

 

I would also like to add that I am not with my children's father and there is nothing wrong with my children's development, thank you very much!!!

 

How is it better for the children's development. I agree with Blue! What a bunch of crap!

[lukeb]

She came here for advice. My assumption would be that she would be asking how we would handle things; otherwise, she wouldn't asking for advice.

 

Yes. She knew be He had issues with monogamy. Many settle for unsuitable partners due to insecurity and loneliness. Unfortunately, the kids are forgotten in this dynamic.

 

She is unhappy, he will not change. She needs to get out.

 

 

That is the thing, you're telling her what to do, pretending this is the only choice for her. That is not giving advice. Children don't have choices, adults make choices.

[Hollyj]

That is the thing, you're telling her what to do, pretending this is the only choice for her. That is not giving advice. Children don't have choices, adults make choices.

 

How is this different from any other thread? I don't understand where you are coming from! People come to forums to get opinions. It is their choice to take it or leave it!

 

Yes. And she should have left this guy long ago.

[Tanzi]

That is the thing, you're telling her what to do, pretending this is the only choice for her. That is not giving advice. Children don't have choices, adults make choices.

 

You could say that about almost every single piece of advice on this sight then. Most people take the advice/opinion/thoughts/whatever for what it is .... just that. It doesn't mean that they have to follow it. That's up to the individual seeking advice. Nevertheless, if the general consensus is the same, it will help the person seeking advice gain some real perspective instead of being swayed by their emotions. All anyone can really do is give their own thoughts on what they read.

[lukeb]

You could say that about almost every single piece of advice on this sight then. Most people take the advice/opinion/thoughts/whatever for what it is .... just that. It doesn't mean that they have to follow it. That's up to the individual seeking advice. Nevertheless, if the general consensus is the same, it will help the person seeking advice gain some real perspective instead of being swayed by their emotions. All anyone can really do is give their own thoughts on what they read.

 

Well considering their history I would say start with having an adult conversation, with honesty and realistic expectations, that would be my advice I guess. The OP knows her husband better than anyone here, in that sense nobody here can give tell her what choices to make with any kind of credibility. Can she realistically say that her life is in a million pieces? Maybe, I don't know, but I am not so sure. There is a lot we don't know, but having good communication and being with someone who accepts you for who you are are good generalities to live by. If she can not be that person for her husband, and her husband can not be that kind of a person for her then maybe. These things aren't clear at all, and they are not solved by moral standards on monogamy.

[Hollyj]

Well considering their history I would say start with having an adult conversation, with honesty and realistic expectations, that would be my advice I guess. The OP knows her husband better than anyone here, in that sense nobody here can give tell her what choices to make with any kind of credibility. Can she realistically say that her life is in a million pieces? Maybe, I don't know, but I am not so sure. There is a lot we don't know, but having good communication and being with someone who accepts you for who you are are good generalities to live by. If she can not be that person for her husband, and her husband can not be that kind of a person for her then maybe. These things aren't clear at all, and they are not solved by moral standards on monogamy.

 

Really! Someone who has lied and cheated repeatedly, over the years! Do you think she has to advise him that she does not like his cheating? Will he suddenly change his ways and character? Time to remove the blinders, Luke.

 

She would not be posting if she were cool with this.

[lukeb]

Really! Someone who has lied and cheated repeatedly, over the years! Do you think she has to advise him that she does not like his cheating? Will he suddenly change his ways and character? Time to remove the blinders, Luke.

 

She would not be posting if she were cool with this.

 

I would not be saying the things I am saying if she had just met this guy on a dating site, but she has known this guy for 15 years. I don't think I wrote anything anywhere that I thought he would magically change his ways. The OP picked this guy and had three children with him, and I am not so convinced that the cheating that he did was out of character or unusual for him. I am not so convinced that this was somehow something they were both unaware of, but still she picked him. Like I said before the OP needs to figure out why that is, and why she made the choices she did. I also think 15 years is worth an honest conversation with realistic expectations.

[Hollyj]

I would not be saying the things I am saying if she had just met this guy on a dating site, but she has known this guy for 15 years. I don't think I wrote anything anywhere that I thought he would magically change his ways. The OP picked this guy and had three children with him, and I am not so convinced that the cheating that he did was out of character or unusual for him. I am not so convinced that this was somehow something they were both unaware of, but still she picked him. Like I said before the OP needs to figure out why that is, and why she made the choices she did. I also think 15 years is worth an honest conversation with realistic expectations.

 

All the more reason to get away from this creep. If he was beating her would you advise the same?

 

A lot of people pick crummy parters, including me. I don't think she was ever in agreement with the behavior, but chose to turn a blind eye, due to habit and age.

 

So what, if there is time invested. This is no reason to stick around!

[Tanzi]

I think it is pretty obvious from the original post that the life the OP has is not the one she wants. She doesn't want to be cheated on. However, this relationship has been a disaster from the beginning and I have to agree that she was naive to believe that things would ever change ... but it's easy to believe in something when you want to .... or because you're too weak to let go. Now she is at the point where she can't take anymore and is at a crossroads. All we can do is give her the best advice we can based on the facts given to us. Her main obstacle is not wanting the children to grow up without a father (though I personally believe that is an easy excuse). My advice is based around that.