Dating after long-term relationship

[rosecolored108]

So, I have been broken up with my ex for about a year and half. During this period, I have been frequenting dating sites and have been "putting myself out there."

 

With that being said, until about two weeks ago, I have been in contact with my ex, almost weekly. I think in the back of my mind, I was always hoping on reconciliation, but have come to realize it won't happen, and it shouldn't, as he really does not know what he wants, and I have a pretty clear vision.

 

I ended the contact two weeks ago telling him that I still have residual feelings and can no longer "be friends."

 

Within the two months, I have also met someone online that I really like. I can see long-term potential there.

 

I know talking to my ex would not allow me to give anyone new a real shot, so I ended the communication.

 

So the new guy and I have been hanging out quite a bit...

 

My question is this-is it okay to pursue this potential new relationship, even though I am still "getting over" my break-up that happened almost two years ago?

 

I still have feelings for my ex, but I don't know "how long" to wait until I can really start dating seriously again?

 

I am taking things slowly with the new guy, but I don't want to lose him, as I think he is a catch.

 

Advice is welcome!

[Wiseman2]

Yes. 2 yrs is plenty of time to move on. You may always have feelings or fond memories of your ex or that time together. That's fine. How is the dating going with the new guy?

My question is this-is it okay to pursue this potential new relationship, even though I am still "getting over" my break-up that happened almost two years ago?

[rosecolored108]

Those were kind of my thoughts. I was with my ex for a long time, so I am not sure the feelings will ever "disappear," but I really want to move on...

 

It is going great-we see each other about twice a weekend now. I have now really been only seeing him and one other guy...but I am starting to maybe think of "eliminating" the other guy, as I feel a strong connection with the one I have been seeing pretty regularly.

 

I guess I was just worried that some of my "emotional baggage" would taint this new thing I have going; I am afraid that dating someone new will make me miss my ex in a sense.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't think its a good thing to be dating when you just stopped talking to someone you were hoping to reconcile with. Google "Rebound Relationship" and read about it so that you don't get yourself in one.

 

I think it's common for people that aren't over someone completely to choose a new person that they subconsciously know, won't commit to them. Is there anything about his guy that would give credence to the fact that he isn't someone that wants a serious relationship?

[SooSad33]

I suggest.. no.

 

You need to know and feel you ARE actually over him.. and healed from your last BU.

 

if not, this could spill into a new relationship.. and you will end but confused with emotions.. for more than just one.

 

Plus.. how can you 'give' yourself fully.. if you're still emotionally invested in another?

 

 

I had a relation for a year.. and it took me over 5 months to feel I could move on again.. feeling 'ready'.

 

This all takes time.. so take your time.. and make sure you ARE actually ready... mentally and emotionally.

 

OH-- and ads for these dating sites... tread lightly... there are over 5 thousand online daily.. and Im thinking you do NOT know much about this guys at all.. do you?

- like how many others he's met.. or been involved with?

-like his lifestyle?

-etc.

 

Just saying... go into these sites.. with low expectations.. NOT both feet.

Especially if you're kinda new to all this.

 

I've been on them over 3 yrs... now taking a break.... ridiculous

[rosecolored108]

Thatwasthen-I am definitely worried about the whole rebound thing, which is why I am moving slowly and am kind of worried.

 

No, he actually is definitely looking for commitment. He has been single for awhile...

[rosecolored108]

Soosad-thanks for the advice. I think I do need to heal a bit more, so we will see. Yes, the sites can be frustrating. He is the first I've met on them that seems like he has real potential. I've been on the sites for about six months now.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with TwT

[rosecolored108]

It's hard to say. Not sure I will ever completely lose feelings for my ex...as wiseman stated I think it can be normal to still have feelings, especially if you were with someone for awhile. We shall see. I will continue to work on myself and will see how things go with the dating.

[rosecolored108]

I will definitely be mindful about the whole rebound thing. I have read a lot about those relationships, and I don't want to fall into that trap.

[mustlovedogs]

I've read that rebounds can actually be healthy because they reaffirm your appeal to potential partners and thus increases your perceived self worth.

 

That being said - I think dating when you are hurting isn't good. But having some residual emotional connection doesn't seem bad to me. But I may be wrong!

[Jeffbobo]

I think you did well to cut off contact with your ex. Too bad you didn't do that sooner. When cutting off relations with someone you still have feelings for, you really have to treat it like the death of a close family member or friend where there is an end and you know they're never coming back. That means absolutely no contact whatsoever. That's the approach that I took and at this point I just have a vague recollection of what she looks like and don't even remember her voice. Its a great place to be and I can reflect on our past experiences in a good and productive way.

 

I agree with the concerns others are stating about rebound relationships. Another poster had mentioned that it could be a good thing as it is an ego booster to be wanted and it brings you value. I can see this but I'm more in the camp where you shouid build your own value independently and not base it on or use others. Know your value independent of others.

 

You say you've been trying online dating for six months. I've been trying online dating and offline dating for over five years and have met a lot of women before I really knew what I was looking for. I believe that experience has given me the ability to know what I really want in a life partner. My point is, don't jump right into a relationship and definitely when you're not ready and 100% available. Take things slow, play the field and just have fun.

[rosecolored108]

Mustlovedogs-Interesting theory about the rebound. I do think getting out and dating is good, I just would not want to hurt anyone if it turns out that I am "emotionally unavailable."

 

I have felt comfortable dating so far, but if things get serious, that is where I start questioning.

[rosecolored108]

Jeff- Yes, If I had cut it off sooner, I probably would be a lot further along in the healing process. I kick myself everyday for letting that nonsense go on as long as I did.

 

I think I will continue to see the new guy, but will keep my options open and will stay on the sites and see what is out there.

[ThatwasThen]

I've read that rebounds can actually be healthy because they reaffirm your appeal to potential partners and thus increases your perceived self worth.

 

That being said - I think dating when you are hurting isn't good. But having some residual emotional connection doesn't seem bad to me. But I may be wrong!

 

Was what you read on a Pick Up Artist web site? Using people to garner self esteem only to dump them when you (the general you) feels worthy due to their attentive administrations seems rather callous and unhealthy for everyone involved. it would seem.

 

Players prey on the vulnerable as well. Another reason why getting your self worth through deeds done and goals met is a better route to getting ones mojo back. Confidence in self will insure that boundaries are in place and not let down or red flags are ignored.

[mustlovedogs]

Was what you read on a Pick Up Artist web site? Using people to garner self esteem only to dump them when you (the general you) seems rather callous and unhealth for everyone involved emotional health it would seem.

 

Nope, Psychology Today.

 

 

 

Guys, I'm not advocating for jumping in to a relationship while you're still hurting.

 

But I believe you can't completely be over an ex until there's a new partner. I think there will be *some* emotional attachment left.

 

I've been single over a year without much dating luck. I know that my residual attachment to my ex is because I'm worried I won't or can't do better - precisely because I haven't found someone.

 

It makes sense to me.

 

ETA:

 

They have a lot of articles.

 

And sure, the URL says blog - open them and read them. PhDs citing research. Much more credible than a PUA site.

[ThatwasThen]

Some emotional attachment is one thing. Just having stopped talking to an ex who you hoped to reconcile with is another.

 

FWIW. I added to that post prior to seeing your latest. Haven't read the link yet either but will do.

[rosecolored108]

"But I believe you can't completely be over an ex until there's a new partner. I think there will be *some* emotional attachment left."

 

This is kind of something I have been wrestling with. My ex has already started dating someone, so I think that makes it a lot easier to move on, when there is someone else there.

 

I would like to think you CAN get over an ex on your own...but it does seem that when you find someone else, it makes it easier to?

[mustlovedogs]

"But I believe you can't completely be over an ex until there's a new partner. I think there will be *some* emotional attachment left."

 

This is kind of something I have been wrestling with. My ex has already started dating someone, so I think that makes it a lot easier to move on, when there is someone else there.

 

I would like to think you CAN get over an ex on your own...but it does seem that when you find someone else, it makes it easier to?

 

I think we all get a little bit of ego from being in a relationship. I know we say we shouldn't, but being loved is an amazing feeling.

 

So being dumped obviously hurts the ego.

 

I'm perfectly fine with how I am. I enjoy life. But I am missing the romantic connection. Since one hasn't come in so long, I can't help but question my self worth (or at least my worth to potential partners).

 

Since the ex loved me at one point, I find myself pining for that feeling.

 

Finding someone else would show I am ok and then I wouldn't pine over a memory.

 

That's my logic...

[ThatwasThen]

PS. The article goes on to explain past the initial 'rebounds can help' and goes into why they often don't. Anyway. Op, keep your head on straight and your heart off your sleeve and don't ignore any red flags and you'll have won half the battle.

[ThatwasThen]

I think we all get a little bit of ego from being in a relationship. I know we say we shouldn't, but being loved is an amazing feeling.

 

So being dumped obviously hurts the ego.

 

I'm perfectly fine with how I am. I enjoy life. But I am missing the romantic connection. Since one hasn't come in so long, I can't help but question my self worth (or at least my worth to potential partners).

 

Since the ex loved me at one point, I find myself pining for that feeling.

 

Finding someone else would show I am ok and then I wouldn't pine over a memory.

 

That's my logic...

 

That isn't you using someone to get over someone else. That's just you being human.

[mustlovedogs]

That isn't you using someone to get over someone else. That's just you being human.

 

Right - I'm trying to compare OPs situation to mine. She's 2 years post BU, not two weeks. I don't think she's rebounding so much. I think her having been in contact with the ex makes it slightly more "reboundy" so in this situation, I think a "rebound" like the ones mentioned in the blogs could be valuable.

 

I am definitely not a fan of full blown rebounds.

 

But once you're generally healed, I think someone new can push that healing over the hill.

[ThatwasThen]

She has been talking to him up until two weeks ago hoping for reconciliation though. Had she stopped talking to him and accepted the break up two years ago. She would be indifferent to her ex by now and wouldn't need to use someone to get to indifference is my point.

[rosecolored108]

^ These are kind of my thoughts. I have had opportunities in the past for the "rebound" but have avoided it, because things had been so rocky for me, and I knew I wasn't ready.

 

I am feeling more ready to "date" now, but the recent contact with my ex does make me hesitant.

[catfeeder]

The timing isn't ideal, but what are your options? You can't go back and undo the contact with your ex, and the likelihood of you opting to tell new guy that you have some old ghosts to resolve before dating him further is pretty low.

 

So where does that leave you? If we were all to post that rebounding is 'bad,' it's not going to prompt you to operate based on popular opinion, is it? You're already involved with new guy. So I'd consider that there are no judges or juries in your love life, and nobody else gets a vote.

 

What's done is done. You can decide whether to pursue your new relationship with optimism, or with a sense of impending doom. If doom is something you can't shake, consider working with a therapist as a responsible neutralizer.

 

The two big mistakes I would NOT make are 1) to contact ex again, period, and 2) to lay any of this in the lap of the new guy. We all have baggage, and it's up to each of us to handle it. If you're clear that you've nixed the ex issue as responsibly as possible given the timing, then the only potential barrier to moving forward with new guy on an even playing field with anyone else's baggage would be a nagging desire to either discuss the ex to new guy or to resume contact with the ex. That would be You sabotaging You, and you're in full control over whether or not that's an issue.

 

Head high, and congrats on your new relationship.