NC log - a place to vent

[Whitey111008]

I would say I'm getting there, all be it very, very slowly. I will second it feels like your life has ended.

 

I will be better off long term, I know that and I think she knows that. It's gonna take me a long time to get back in a relationship again.

 

I have my children though, they keep me occupied when I have them.

It's just the quiet times without the kids, you end up going through the whole process again, especially when you go to bed.

 

Could do with a fast forward button!

[katara42]

Day 26. Just racking up the numbers now. Had a chat with my neighbour and mentioned that I'm having a hard time getting motivated lately. She suggested vitamin d. Figured that can't hurt.

 

First day of a new exercise regimen. I have a three month plan. That won't hurt either. I'm getting tired of wasting my time feeling bad. I'm the one who is choosing to feel bad over some putz who really wasn't worth it.

[Vivi0476]

Day 2 for me. My ex became a terrible individual due to alcohol and what I'm assuming is drugs...I've only contacted him for financial and divorce issues. Last night he spent $150 at the bar making things kinda tight for me and I don't consider it NC if I knew he was at the bar bc I'm still on the account. Getting myself off there tomorrow. I don't necessarily want to talk to him...but I miss that man I married. Not this drunken, abusive idiot. Coming to terms that that man is gone and this monster is in his place is tough. I hate the feeling of free falling. Tell me you get your footing soon? This feels foreign.

[GeekLover]

Day 56 (8 weeks) - Nothing new, just another day without the man I love. But I'm coping.

[katara42]

Day 2 for me. My ex became a terrible individual due to alcohol and what I'm assuming is drugs...I've only contacted him for financial and divorce issues. Last night he spent $150 at the bar making things kinda tight for me and I don't consider it NC if I knew he was at the bar bc I'm still on the account. Getting myself off there tomorrow. I don't necessarily want to talk to him...but I miss that man I married. Not this drunken, abusive idiot. Coming to terms that that man is gone and this monster is in his place is tough. I hate the feeling of free falling. Tell me you get your footing soon? This feels foreign.

Alcohol (any addiction) is a sad one to deal with. I hope you get your footing soon. The first bit is hard. Hang in there.

[katara42]

Day 56 (8 weeks) - Nothing new, just another day without the man I love. But I'm coping.

Congrats on being 8 weeks down the path!

[GeekLover]

Congrats on being 8 weeks down the path!

 

Thanks! It's been a journey. Keep up your hard work too!

[katara42]

Day 27 - brain went funny last night, trying to justify a "what if I did..." scenario. Then I remembered the truth and felt intensely sad for a moment or two, but just like that it was over and I went to sleep. And slept all night. It is getting easier to head off my thoughts, and easier to live with the grief.

[Vivi0476]

Day 3 - Yesterday was harder than today. I have some plans set to protect myself financially and physically. I'm sure he'll be turning off my phone in the next few days and since I use it for business I need to get another one today. I'd port the number over but he owns it on his phone plan, so I'd have to talk to him about that and meet up with him blah blah blah. Just seems easier to get a new number and contact my clients to let them know. I guess I have a whole day of distractions now. Baby steps. Baby steps.

[Vivi0476]

Day 27 - brain went funny last night, trying to justify a "what if I did..." scenario. Then I remembered the truth and felt intensely sad for a moment or two, but just like that it was over and I went to sleep. And slept all night. It is getting easier to head off my thoughts, and easier to live with the grief.

Gosh 27 days! Amazing. I want to be at day 27.

[Vivi0476]

I would say I'm getting there, all be it very, very slowly. I will second it feels like your life has ended.

 

I will be better off long term, I know that and I think she knows that. It's gonna take me a long time to get back in a relationship again.

 

I have my children though, they keep me occupied when I have them.

It's just the quiet times without the kids, you end up going through the whole process again, especially when you go to bed.

 

Could do with a fast forward button!

Omg a fast forward through the pain button would be amazing wouldn't it?! I'm looking forward to looking back and seeing everything I've learned about 1. myself 2. divorce 3. relationships but without all the hopelessness I feel in my gut.

[ShatteredMan]

Some days fly by and some don't. The first few were the worst, then I kinda got used to it.

 

Today for no reason, I heard someone's text notification in the office. It was annoying me, and I suddenly remembered the time he stood in the kitchen (open floor plan) with his phone on the counter, open text screen so notifications wouldn't sound, and he was having a sneaky text convo with someone. I didn't bother asking who. Now I'm gutted but it will pass. What an @$$hole. What a jerk. What was I thinking?

 

I had the same experience. She live above me so I know when the new guy is around or she's not home at night. I would obsessively go out looking to see if one or both of them had their cars in our parking lot. I wouldn't see his around for a week and I would consider reaching out to her. Then I'd see his car there......

 

Luckily, I've met someone new and I'm spending time at her place now. The new girl is starting to earn her way into my heart and she's everything my ex was not. More importantly, I'm starting to emotionally stabilize to the point where I can start to let go of the ex. I also bought a new house and will be moving out soon.

[membername]

Day 27 - brain went funny last night, trying to justify a "what if I did..." scenario. Then I remembered the truth and felt intensely sad for a moment or two, but just like that it was over and I went to sleep. And slept all night. It is getting easier to head off my thoughts, and easier to live with the grief.

 

I sometimes have those moments...

 

What I noticed about me over the past weeks... I SLEPT... I haven't slept like I did in about 3-4yrs since my life changed.. I was telling someone it's as if my body just said 'woman you need rest'

 

I do have moments of missing him but I notice I'm relaxed otherwise, I feel chill. Like not nervous and anxious as I was in the relationship and heck, since the break up was the last time I cried while in work.. there was many times in the relationship I would cry in work cause we were in a fight.. so when I think of those things I feel peaceful..

 

If that makes sense..

 

I do feel I still mourn the relationship when he was good he was very good... but that was to get me to settle for his next tantrum..

 

I'll take a quiet night over that drama any day...

[Vivi0476]

Day 4- I got my phone number off his cell phone plan yesterday and ported my number over so now it's mine and he can't take it from me. I withdrew the majority of what was left from the joint account. I felt pretty good about everything and then his sister calls bc she wants to hear about the drama and i get set back. Thanks! Geeez. I didn't give her what she wanted (the gory deets). But she tells me she lost my number and when she talked to him she asked him to tell me to text her and he told her no. Obviously she found my number anyway.

 

I guess I'm just wondering why he's so angry with me? I seriously did NOTHING. My bestie who happens to be a therapist said he's ashamed and feels dirty and when he thinks of me all that comes up so its better for him if he doesn't have tho think about me period. Ugh drugs and alcohol...i hate you so much.

[katara42]

Day 28 - four full weeks. Yay.

 

I'm spending a little less time on the forums, I feel like not processing for a while (if that makes sense)

 

I've ordered a book on codependency thanks to a post by lilorenzo. I might think about that for a while.

 

Overall I'm feeling dispirited but I can see I'll get through this. I'm through the worst, the most acute. Eventually I'll feel less down. It's all good.

[katara42]

Day 4- I got my phone number off his cell phone plan yesterday and ported my number over so now it's mine and he can't take it from me. I withdrew the majority of what was left from the joint account. I felt pretty good about everything and then his sister calls bc she wants to hear about the drama and i get set back. Thanks! Geeez. I didn't give her what she wanted (the gory deets). But she tells me she lost my number and when she talked to him she asked him to tell me to text her and he told her no. Obviously she found my number anyway.

 

I guess I'm just wondering why he's so angry with me? I seriously did NOTHING. My bestie who happens to be a therapist said he's ashamed and feels dirty and when he thinks of me all that comes up so its better for him if he doesn't have tho think about me period. Ugh drugs and alcohol...i hate you so much.

 

Sounds like you're doing good, all things considered. Taking healthy steps forward. I bet your friend is right - it makes sense in a weird way. Take care

[Vivi0476]

Day 5- woke up at 430am because the second I opened my eyes reality sunk in. I don't want him back, but an apology would be nice. Or knowing he missed me. Why do i give a ssss? It's this weird thing where I don't but then I'm sad that he didn't try to contact me so I could ignore it lol. Clearly I need counseling. I go back to work today after having a few days off and that will be good for my soul. So lets see I've spewed how sad I am so let me post 1 positive thing about him being gone (I may start a new thread for this). Here goes: I LOVE how clean my house is. No half drank pepsi cans lying around for me to clean up. The toilet seat is always down. All dishes are always done. My bed gets made the minute I jump out of it.

[Sillybillycat]

The second I opened my eyes reality sunk in. I don't want him back, but an apology would be nice. Or knowing he missed me. I'm sad that he didn't try to contact me so I could ignore it lol.

 

Day 10 - I feel just like what you described. The second I open my eyes reality hits me. An apology would also be nice, maybe a mature conversation about everything that has happened. I know that won't happen, though. At least not any soon.

It's funny, because my days have been the same since last week: It's almost unbearable in the morning, and by the end of the day I feel like I have nothing else to think, I feel a little more optimistic and go to sleep, only to wake up and have to start all over again.

Meanwhile it makes me sad that he didn't try to contact me. I guess I'll have to get used to the idea. After all, if it wasn't because I tried to contact him, this would be around day 45 instead of day 10.

I desperately would like to fast forward through pain, or go back in time to three months ago. I'm hurt.

[Vivi0476]

Day 10 - I feel just like what you described. The second I open my eyes reality hits me. An apology would also be nice, maybe a mature conversation about everything that has happened. I know that won't happen, though. At least not any soon.

It's funny, because my days have been the same since last week: It's almost unbearable in the morning, and by the end of the day I feel like I have nothing else to think, I feel a little more optimistic and go to sleep, only to wake up and have to start all over again.

Meanwhile it makes me sad that he didn't try to contact me. I guess I'll have to get used to the idea. After all, if it wasn't because I tried to contact him, this would be around day 45 instead of day 10.

I desperately would like to fast forward through pain, or go back in time to three months ago. I'm hurt.

Ah fast fwd is my request too. I just want to stop obsessing. Maybe had i pushed harder for a sober household. So many what ifs. But hey, you won't feel like this forever. Eventually they'll just be gone and part of our pasts. Good job on day 10. I hear it's a big hurdle.

[katara42]

Day 29. It's just same old same old today.

[Vivi0476]

Day 29. It's just same old same old today.

But it's day 29! Tell me u feel a little normal? That it's dull and not sharp anymore? That you struggle to remember the exact color of his eyes? Any of that?

[katara42]

But it's day 29! Tell me u feel a little normal? That it's dull and not sharp anymore? That you struggle to remember the exact color of his eyes? Any of that?

Lol I totally get it

 

I feel much steadier. He wasn't a great boyfriend. Nice enough guy, but not a great bf. So any time I feel angsty I try to tell myself that he is a symptom of my "disease". There were enough red flags a-waving that I knew better than to stay so gotta figure that part out.

 

We were a terrible match. So yes it's much much better. The acute emotional anxiety has worn off. It gets better

[katara42]

Day 30!!! Woot woot!

 

This doesn't change anything, he has only tried to contact me once in 30 days and it was weak. "Wanted to say hi..." lol

 

So, I'll just stay the course, worry about my healing, etc etc etc. I definitely feel better, I'm sure I'll bounce around emotionally but hey who doesn't.

 

I have recognized that there is a part of feeling down that is a choice I make, and when I choose to wallow it's because I'm getting something out of it (an excuse to check out of life and responsibilities for a bit?? Maybe... ). I'm not talking about depression, I mean the choice to sit on the couch and cry or the choice to clean my kitchen and cry. If either way I'm going to cry, might as well get something done.

 

Next thing I know, I feel better cause my counters are clear and I realize I haven't thought about it for 20 mins. Rinse and repeat. Can't let the b@$tards grind you down.

 

I'm glad I'm no contact, for my situation it's the best. He really doesn't care, and that's his choice. NC has helped me see this and let go. I am by no means over it, but I see I will be. I'm going to be just fine.

 

Now I need coffee. All the coffee.

[Vivi0476]

Day 6- Tomorrow will be a full week. I had a minor pity session last night. It was stupid and I'm over it today. My clients are constantly asking how he's doing (he was very charming before the liquor) and I have started just saying "we're not together anymore". And they generally drop it and I go back to doing their hair.

 

I feel good today. And I'm happy for the next chapter in my life once this one is officially closed.

[Vivi0476]

Day 7 - yeah its 230am and I woke up like an hour ago and can't go back to sleep. Oh, here's a funny\awkward story. One of his so-called brothers started texting me today to see how I was doing and to tell me he always thought I was too good for "L" and was wondering if I would like to go get a drink and dinner. How's that for brotherhood? You've been gone a whole week and your boy's trying to worm his way near me. Nice. Reeeeaaaal nice. Oh but they're so loyal to you? They'd never cross your boundaries. I guess they see me as fair game now. Gross.