NC log - a place to vent

[Roselynn1]

Yesssss... Hugs! 😊

[katara42]

Drinking. Spending more time on here than my dating app lol not a good sign.

 

I'm not super heartbroken, I just can't figure out where it all went wrong. Been reading something recommended by Wiseman about sociopaths. While it resonates, part of me wonders if I'm just reacting emotionally. Yes he could be, but I'll never truly know. I'll never truly know.

 

I've lived my life well. I try to do no harm, I put my kids first and made sure they were emotionally healthy coming through divorce. I haven't paraded men through their lives. I have worked hard to succeed in a new career. I own my townhouse. I have a good relationship with the kids father (same dad for all of them). I've been selective.

 

So all I can think is that when I found someone worth it, and he can't see my worth (no one is perfect, I have not been perfect - but I have been gd real)- all I can think is:

 

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!

 

I've lived a good life and this is my reward??? I know it's childish but omg.omg I've done it all by the book, and lost my heart to someone who laughs at it. Thinks I'm garbage. Something to be slept with without any future.

 

Props to him for honesty, at least some form of honesty (I don't want to get off topic here) but why life? Why?

 

I hate these thoughts.

[katara42]

Day 7.

 

I had a couple useful insights last night. The first was that I am ultimately looking for someone to share lives with. Whether short or long term, that is what I want. With him there was no sharing, it's not who he is. He intentionally withholds information. So it doesn't matter if he is a sociopath or not. Or if he was stringing on other women or not. On a deep and fundamental level he was not the man I was looking for. And that is maybe the kindest thing I can say about the whole situation. I can't even be mad.

 

Second realization was that I would fantasize about him when we were apart. Like I would think about telling him about my day, or as I would fall asleep I'd imagine his arms around me. I had thoughts about him that weren't happening in real time, and it made me feel more connected to him. I'm not talking crazy visions of the future, but when we were apart, since he never called or texted me (managed down expectations) I would at least imagine a favourable or welcome response. Like if I were falling asleep, that he'd be happy to hold me if we were together. Now I think how he'd have been annoyed, or bothered, or resentful. He didn't like compromise.

 

I think I have knocked him off the pedestal and found some reasoning that does not need closure or his goodwill. I am at peace, right now anyways, if being at peace feels like a deflated balloon. (Not even the satisfaction of a pop! Lol). But yeah. There was nothing either of us could have done in the end. Wish I'd understood that sooner.

[katara42]

Surprised at how fast I'm feeling "better" (I feel lousy but I'm not an emotional wreck. May be because this was the second time? Maybe because in months, nothing has changed. And that's ok. I got my answer. It sucks, but I got it.

 

As for no contact - he hasn't tried. That makes it easier too. I left his cell phone unblocked, but silenced. I check now and then for messages. Everything else is blocked. Not because of him but for my sake.

[Hawaii96814]

Here's a quote to think about.

 

Sometimes God closed the doors on us because he's trying to save us for more trouble in the future.

 

FYI, I'm also in no contact with my ex on day 9. I begged and plead for the 2.5 weeks after the breakup and it didn't help my situation. It's better to focus your energy on yourself. I've been going to the gym and it's been very helpful. Don't worry just keep the no contact and it will get better everyday

[katara42]

Here's a quote to think about.

 

Sometimes God closed the doors on us because he's trying to save us for more trouble in the future.

 

FYI, I'm also in no contact with my ex on day 9. I begged and plead for the 2.5 weeks after the breakup and it didn't help my situation. It's better to focus your energy on yourself. I've been going to the gym and it's been very helpful. Don't worry just keep the no contact and it will get better everyday

 

Oh I did my share of begging and pleading. Ridiculous now that I look back on it. I begged before I interviewed for a new job, begged him that if he saw any future, please reconsider. Give it two months. I begged him. He said no. I hadn't told him about the interview, I was worried he'd do something to scuttle it. It was the kind of job where if we werent together going into it, it would be difficult after. When I got the new job, literally his first question was "what does this mean for us?" Um, what? We literally had a discussion about how he said a week before that he didn't want to be with me. Just one small example of mixed messages and feeling always on the defensive. What a weird time in my life.

 

Day 8. No big thoughts about my old relationship. No insights, no dreams, no nothing. I feel resigned. I feel foolish for pursuing something so hard when he clearly didn't care the same way. I remember his words differently now, I hear his old texts to me in an indifferent tone. I don't wish we could be back together, I don't even long for the satisfaction of telling him so. I don't think he's going to come after me directly, I think he'd have done it by now, so I'll have some rumours to deal with. I can't do anything about him cutting me down behind my back so I'm not going to worry about it.

[membername]

Oh I did my share of begging and pleading. Ridiculous now that I look back on it. I begged before I interviewed for a new job, begged him that if he saw any future, please reconsider. Give it two months. I begged him. He said no. I hadn't told him about the interview, I was worried he'd do something to scuttle it. It was the kind of job where if we werent together going into it, it would be difficult after. When I got the new job, literally his first question was "what does this mean for us?" Um, what? We literally had a discussion about how he said a week before that he didn't want to be with me. Just one small example of mixed messages and feeling always on the defensive. What a weird time in my life.

 

Day 8. No big thoughts about my old relationship. No insights, no dreams, no nothing. I feel resigned. I feel foolish for pursuing something so hard when he clearly didn't care the same way. I remember his words differently now, I hear his old texts to me in an indifferent tone. I don't wish we could be back together, I don't even long for the satisfaction of telling him so. I don't think he's going to come after me directly, I think he'd have done it by now, so I'll have some rumours to deal with. I can't do anything about him cutting me down behind my back so I'm not going to worry about it.

 

The begging and pleading as much as when you look back on it shaking your head making a "kkkrrrssshhh" sound in agony that you did that for an unworthy person. It is a natural process that everyone on the receiving end of break up does. I sure did lol...But then the shock subsides and logic prevails and your on your way to kicking him to the curb rightfully and walking your road.

 

I admit, the begging is the ONE thing I'd take back. But it is all past.

 

You cannot do anything about him saying stuff. It infuriated me also when my ex played innocent. But I've learned in life (even tho I forget it at times), the truth always comes out. You just have to have patience...

 

Keep going!

[ShatteredMan]

So its been literally 5 months of NC for me. I've started dating someone new but I don't feel the attraction that I did for my ex. My therapist says that I'm making progress but I don't see it. At least I'm sleeping more than 3 hours a night now.

 

Nonetheless, since my ex lives upstairs from me in my complex, I'm buying a townhouse a few miles away. I'm hoping it will help me let go but I'm not in the least bit excited about it. Just a box to put my stuff in, sleep there at night, put my car in a garage and to eat meals there.....

 

I guess I'm just disappointed about the fantasy that I had a year ago that I'd be engaged to my ex, we'd be buying a place together, planning a wedding, etc. I've decided to let God close the door on that (since she's now moved on with someone new) and just move on. It's just weird not being excited about buying a house or being in a new relationship. Matter of fact, I'm downright depressed about it all....

[rosecolored108]

Stay strong!

 

I know how you feel. I am on Day 7 of no contact myself. I just started seeing a therapist and have come to this website. I took up a new hobby (getting scuba certified-always wanted to do it).

 

And I am getting out there and dating.

 

My break-up was 1.5 years ago, but we remained in weekly contact. I just recently decided to end that because it was not going anywhere.

 

I know what you mean about the begging. I did that too, and I think that is normal...especially when you are the one who was dumped, because something is basically happening in your relationship that you didn't initiate/"authorize."

 

I would not worry about him cutting you down behind your back. That is a fallout from a lot of break-ups.

 

It sounds cliché, but the best thing you can do is hold your head high and move forward. If you remain positive and bright and "unaffected," you will come out on the other side, I think.

 

I do think time heals all wounds, as they say. You may never completely forget him and the break-up may always feel like it is "part of you" but that doesn't mean you can't find happiness on your own...or with someone new.

 

I am only a week in, but I do feel better than I did a week ago. I am going to keep on this progression!

[rosecolored108]

Shatteredman- I know that feeling. When I moved into my new place a few months ago, I did not feel excited because my ex and I had planned to buy a house together...

 

However, I have since really made the place my own. I bought a fish tank (I am really into fish and bought the new tv I had wanted for a long time. I started to really take pride in the place.

 

Try making some purchases that will allow positivity to penetrate the space!

 

And dating is good. Your feelings may not be as strong as they were with your ex, but give new experiences a chance. If you dated your ex for awhile, it is normal to still feel some bond there.

 

I don't think there is just one person out there for everyone; you probably can find a fair amount of people you can build a life with; you just need to give it a chance.

 

Turn the negativity into positivity. You are going to need to let that "fantasy" go as it is gone, as depressing as that may be. Life is still out there; a new place can mean a fresh start.

[katara42]

Love to read these experiences

 

Day 9 - he reached out yesterday with a neutral text, not angry like I'd feared. Suspect he was checking to see if he is blocked. There was no real substance and I was at work so I put it out of my head. Later I still didn't want to deal with it, and instead I went to a friend's for wine and giggles.

 

I have today off work, so I'll do awesome home stuff. I like doing home stuff. Feeling ok, not up or down. Kinda flat but that's an improvement.

 

How's everyone else doing?

[katara42]

The numbness has worn off a little. I watched an adam sandler romcom and i could really see at the end how hollywood sells this stuff... perfect couple who just cant realize it... almost go their separate ways but then he realizes and comes for her. It just wasnt fun for me tonight. Thats just not how it works (yeah yeah i know lol but usually i dont care). Im so unenthused about the future. Is that all there is? I well and truly might die alone. And frankly if this ex of mine is all there is out there... If thats the best on offer, I'd rather be alone. I hope the bitterness wears off tho.

[katara42]

Day 10. Depressed. Just going to keep busy - frustrated that I feel so much for a relationship that never really was and never will be.

[rosecolored108]

I am on Day 9 myself. It is natural to feel for a relationship, when it ends and to be frustrated when the other person lets you down. But, humans do that, they fall short of expectation sometimes.

 

Stay strong. It is difficult, but there are a lot of good things in life...and good people.

[katara42]

I am on Day 9 myself. It is natural to feel for a relationship, when it ends and to be frustrated when the other person lets you down. But, humans do that, they fall short of expectation sometimes.

 

Stay strong. It is difficult, but there are a lot of good things in life...and good people.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate the support. I mostly feel ok about things, I like my life and all. I find tho when it's quiet, the sadness creeps in and I don't feel like doing anything. Are you having the same? It's not nearly so bad as the first breakup, I'm not thinking about how we'll get back together this time, it's more like a continuation. Makes me more hopeful about getting over it. Just gotta keep going thru it and keep busy in between...

[rosecolored108]

Yes, the hardest times are usually when it is "quiet." My life is pretty busy, so I am usually motivated and happy, but there are definitely times when I am alone or not doing anything that the sadness does "creep in."

 

I think that is pretty normal. There are always going to be times that are more difficult than other times.

 

It is good that you can accept that you won't be getting back together. It took me a really long time to accept that as well. Once you accept that, it does make things easier, and it is a definite sign of improvement.

 

Definitely stay as busy as possible; it will leave less time for that sadness to come back, and eventually the pain when you are alone/not doing anything will lessen.

[esm12]

Wow....this is very similar to my situation. Wondering how I could be so, so stupid allowing him to treat me like this, and why still if he suddenly decided he wanted a relationship I would date him. I want to slap him, to let him know how much he hurt me, but he doesn't care.

 

I'm taking this all as a lesson to improve myself so this doesn't happen to me again. I have wanted to contact him so many times, but seeing others go through similar situations helps me realize I don't need to.

 

Stay strong, you can get through this!

[katara42]

Wow....this is very similar to my situation. Wondering how I could be so, so stupid allowing him to treat me like this, and why still if he suddenly decided he wanted a relationship I would date him. I want to slap him, to let him know how much he hurt me, but he doesn't care.

 

I'm taking this all as a lesson to improve myself so this doesn't happen to me again. I have wanted to contact him so many times, but seeing others go through similar situations helps me realize I don't need to.

 

Stay strong, you can get through this!

Exactly! Exactly. I'm so glad for these forums. I thought I was going thru something unique, but it isn't . Can see it for what it was.

 

I'm staying strong. It's easy cause I haven't really been challenged on NC yet. Strength to you too! To every one who needs it.

[Trinity11]

I do like your rant. I wish I were that strong

[katara42]

I do like your rant. I wish I were that strong

Thanks

 

You are that strong. I left out about 3 months (the first breakup) where I wasn't strong at all. That breakup was... wow. Messy. Begging crying wishing for reconciliation. Hoping he'd show up with "flowers and a ring".

 

But then the truth was so obvious. It's done. It's more than done, it never really was. No choice but to be strong. No other option. It's over.

 

Anyways. Day 11. Xmas eve. Not suffering thru holidays cause I don't have sweet memories of him or us doing anything special.

 

Going to watch action movies and fold laundry. It's going to be a good day.

[rosecolored108]

Exactly, katara. No choice but to be strong! The other alternative is to break down and be a mess. And that...is not attractive to anyone.

 

Action movies sound fun

[Viceroy]

I honestly think that forgiveness is the best way to fully move on. You don't have to tell him that you're forgiving him, but I think that will really help you put him behind you. I think forgiveness does take time, and you'll have to fully work through your emotions before you can forgive and forget. Bitterness is a feeling that tends to linger, and you definitely don't want any of that going into the New Year. I am glad you recognized how much you hate him, but wish you didn't. Your heart is in the right place, I wish you well!

[katara42]

I am glad you recognized how much you hate him, but wish you didn't. Your heart is in the right place, I wish you well!

 

You know, when I first read this I got defensive. "I don't hate him". And I don't. But I had to admit that yes maybe a little bit I do. Like as emotion, logically I don't. Logically there's nothing to hate him about. He's doing him. I'm doing me. Just didn't work together.

 

But yeah, I'm a little resentful and I know that's not fair. I'm sure he's resentful of me. I believe as a life view that people can live however they see fit. That goes for him too. As long as kids aren't getting hurt anyways. But basically at the end of the day we all should feel at peace with ourselves. We weren't at peace with each other. That's no one's fault.

 

But then there's the resentment. I resent him for wasting my time. I'm mad at me mostly for prolonging it. He knew much earlier than I. I didn't see it. Didn't want to see it.

 

It just takes time. And I resent that more time will be spent on this dead end. I appreciate your response, that felt good to get off my chest.

[katara42]

Day 12. I woke up kinda blah, so I went back to sleep (luxuries!!!) and now I've woken up feeling kinda good and hopeful about the next little while. I have an action plan in place to reclaim my life. That sounds way more dramatic than it is, because it's just a fancy way of saying I need to stop sucking lemons.

 

Merry Christmas! Think I'll have some bailey's in my morning coffee and watch another non xmas action movie (there's a marathon on TV lol)

[rosecolored108]

Katara, you seem like you are improving...that is a good thing.

 

I am on Day 12 myself, and I am feeling good. Surprised how well I handled the holidays. Looking forward to the New Year.