NC log - a place to vent

[Dominique]

My thoughts are obsessed today at how we don't talk anymore and haven't seen each other. I can't believe this.

I'm so jealous of anyone that gets to spend time with him. And his fling girl....

 

I miss him so much and don't want anyone but him.

 

I went on a dating site last night and almost threw up. Omg. I can't!

 

I'm hurting bad today. Very bad. In tears watching tv with my kid. Can't even stop myself. The loss is so horrible.

[Heart of gold]

My thoughts are obsessed today at how we don't talk anymore and haven't seen each other. I can't believe this.

I'm so jealous of anyone that gets to spend time with him. And his fling girl....

 

I miss him so much and don't want anyone but him.

 

I went on a dating site last night and almost threw up. Omg. I can't!

 

I'm hurting bad today. Very bad. In tears watching tv with my kid. Can't even stop myself. The loss is so horrible.

 

You will have these days. Give it time and try to build your inner strength. Think well he's making his own choices let me make mine. Force yourself to speak to someone on the dating site and take it from there. You will have to take some action. Today is just a bad day don't worry.

[Dominique]

You will have these days. Give it time and try to build your inner strength. Think well he's making his own choices let me make mine. Force yourself to speak to someone on the dating site and take it from there. You will have to take some action. Today is just a bad day don't worry.

 

On a funny note....I will not online date.

 

The dating site looked like a collection of ex rapists. It was AWFUL!!!!! I just wanted to chat a little. Maybe find someone that had a common interest. Uck. It was horrible. All these old men looking for younger women to "mate with".

 

They had awful profile pictures. It was more than the weren't just "unattractive" because I don't care at all about looks..I care about a connection and good coversation.... They were all creepy and scary looking in their photos. One guy had on a Viking hat and was holding an ax. Another guy was clearly taking a photo of himself in pajamas in a cheap hotel.

 

I kept thinking "this can't possibly be the best photo u have! And if it is...omg! Why?" I wish I could share them. I sent my BF a couple of screen shots and she said she was legitimately afraid they were mug shots.

[Heart of gold]

On a funny note....I will not online date.

 

The dating site looked like a collection of ex rapists. It was AWFUL!!!!! I just wanted to chat a little. Maybe find someone that had a common interest. Uck. It was horrible. All these old men looking for younger women to "mate with".

 

They had awful profile pictures. It was more than the weren't just "unattractive" because I don't care at all about looks..I care about a connection and good coversation.... They were all creepy and scary looking in their photos. One guy had on a Viking hat and was holding an ax. Another guy was clearly taking a photo of himself in pajamas in a cheap hotel.

 

I kept thinking "this can't possibly be the best photo u have! And if it is...omg! Why?" I wish I could share them. I sent my BF a couple of screen shots and she said she was legitimately afraid they were mug shots.

 

Lmao I wouldn't online date either...just can't...totally get it...

[Dominique]

Lmao I wouldn't online date either...just can't...totally get it...

 

I'm attracted to real brutal honest conversation so online dating is not going to work for me. I don't want to "date". I want to talk to someone who wants to talk back. I want to enjoy someone's mind. Their real thoughts, fears, worst moments, best chances.... I want to hear about times they laughed and cried and maybe have a drink. I don't want to date. I'm not a date girl. I'm not even a relationship girl.

 

I used to be a friends with benefits girl before I settled down and got married. I just like to form real no holds barred connections with people who are being real... Not men who are trying to date me and impress me and lie. I'm attracted to real raw life. Not dinner and movies.

 

My ex and I had that down. We shared the real "us". He wasn't perfect and he knew I wasn't. Knowing that made us both smile.... Often.

[katara42]

Day 0. Sigh. Thought I was smarter than him, that I had his number so to speak, and could handle being "friendly" after a few months of no contact without getting burned. Yeah... no.

 

Looking forward to tomorrow being day 1. And seriously considering changing my phone number. I have a new one picked out but will sleep on it. Such a hassle to change it. I don't want the ex back, just wanted things to be amicable as its a small town. Now I just feel bad... exactly like I did before, only this time it's not as sharp and I know I'll get over it much faster.

 

On the upside, there is a new interest in my life. So at least there is hope for the future And I have really remembered how wonderful it is to be alone and free.

 

Anyways, that's the update. Hanging in and forgiving myself for the very occasional slip up. If anyone wants to help, send me blessings for the new guy Take care all

[Dominique]

Day 0. Sigh. Thought I was smarter than him, that I had his number so to speak, and could handle being "friendly" after a few months of no contact without getting burned. Yeah... no.

 

Looking forward to tomorrow being day 1. And seriously considering changing my phone number. I have a new one picked out but will sleep on it. Such a hassle to change it. I don't want the ex back, just wanted things to be amicable as its a small town. Now I just feel bad... exactly like I did before, only this time it's not as sharp and I know I'll get over it much faster.

 

On the upside, there is a new interest in my life. So at least there is hope for the future And I have really remembered how wonderful it is to be alone and free.

 

Anyways, that's the update. Hanging in and forgiving myself for the very occasional slip up. If anyone wants to help, send me blessings for the new guy Take care all

 

You can do this. I'm cheering you on.

[katara42]

You can do this. I'm cheering you on.

Thanks me too.

 

Day 1 and feeling great. Changed my cell number this morning. I'm glad I slept on the decision because there was a really cute number that wasn't there last night.

 

And so, that's the end of it. I reread my initial entries and nothing changed. Could have written the words yesterday. Lesson learned - can't out think crazy lol. Just leave it alone.

[hrb23]

Thanks me too.

 

Day 1 and feeling great. Changed my cell number this morning. I'm glad I slept on the decision because there was a really cute number that wasn't there last night.

 

And so, that's the end of it. I reread my initial entries and nothing changed. Could have written the words yesterday. Lesson learned - can't out think crazy lol. Just leave it alone.

 

Changing your number is such an impressive step. There are many people way in advanced stages of healing that refuse to change their numbers for fear of 'them' not being able to ever contact.

[katara42]

Changing your number is such an impressive step. There are many people way in advanced stages of healing that refuse to change their numbers for fear of 'them' not being able to ever contact.

Yes, don't think it hasn't crossed my mind - the "what if". it's mostly for me tho. If it's like before, then he won't even try to contact for couple weeks. But I feel better. Weirdly calm. He's long been blocked on social media. My phone would "block" him but messages would just get sent to archive, they would still come through and I'd read them and have to depend on willpower. The only contact he has now is my work email and he wouldn't dare use that.

 

So yeah. Maybe after 5 months of NC this is the first true "day 1" I've ever had. So far so good. No breakdowns. I feel lighter. It really does get easier.

[Dominique]

Yes, don't think it hasn't crossed my mind - the "what if". it's mostly for me tho. If it's like before, then he won't even try to contact for couple weeks. But I feel better. Weirdly calm. He's long been blocked on social media. My phone would "block" him but messages would just get sent to archive, they would still come through and I'd read them and have to depend on willpower. The only contact he has now is my work email and he wouldn't dare use that.

 

So yeah. Maybe after 5 months of NC this is the first true "day 1" I've ever had. So far so good. No breakdowns. I feel lighter. It really does get easier.

 

you are my hero today. kudos to you, my friend

[Whocares479]

Yes, don't think it hasn't crossed my mind - the "what if". it's mostly for me tho. If it's like before, then he won't even try to contact for couple weeks. But I feel better. Weirdly calm. He's long been blocked on social media. My phone would "block" him but messages would just get sent to archive, they would still come through and I'd read them and have to depend on willpower. The only contact he has now is my work email and he wouldn't dare use that.

 

So yeah. Maybe after 5 months of NC this is the first true "day 1" I've ever had. So far so good. No breakdowns. I feel lighter. It really does get easier.

 

How exactly did you get burned?

[katara42]

How exactly did you get burned?

He starts drama. I used to feed into it, reacting and defending myself against ridiculous accusations. If that makes sense. Feeling like I have to prove I'm a good person. Being "played" for lack of a better word against other people (including his mother). So like he's super nice and then boom he needs to fight. It's not fun. Used to crush my spirit.

 

Thought I had it under control and could avoid the pattern by not engaging in anything beyond superficial friendship. However he played me against his mother again and ended up with a brand new mac computer out of it lol. I didn't see it coming, it was behind the scenes. After he got what he wanted, he didn't need me and I became "the devil" (like his mother was before, we traded roles so to speak). Stupid. Too tired to fight over it, not like I missed him. (We're in our early 40s - I'm too old for this)

 

Just another stupid scene that would have been avoided with NC.

[Whocares479]

Just another stupid scene that would have been avoided with NC.

 

I like that quote. Atleast you learned your leason. It takes a while for a sociopath to change their ways, and your ex seem comfortable acting like a 17 year old boy. I would diminish ALL contact, which it seem like you are making your way towards. You will soon realize that your life is easier when you are no longer aound him.

[Dominique]

I like that quote. Atleast you learned your leason. It takes a while for a sociopath to change their ways, and your ex seem comfortable acting like a 17 year old boy. I would diminish ALL contact, which it seem like you are making your way towards. You will soon realize that your life is easier when you are no longer aound him.

 

I agree.

 

I like that quote too. I'm going to screen shot that one.

[katara42]

So... well meaning friend and I were catching up. Turns out all the stuff I had worried about was true. His response was usually that i was being insecure or saying I didn't trust him (and I needed to trust him if it was going to work).

 

Knowing about how he bragged about the women he was with when we were together? Maybe makes me feel better in the long term. That no, I wasn't crazy. I wasn't insecure. I was picking up on the reality and he tried to convince me I wasn't.

 

But right now I feel devastated. It's long over, our relationship, but after hearing all this today, I feel wretched. How I wish I'd never met him. I wish I wasn't right. Doesn't make it easier to move on. I feel duped and used. I feel incredibly low for some guy who isn't even a part of my life anymore. I feel stupid. I feel so stupid.

 

But the only way out is through. So I wish him the best that I genuinely can (which isn't much tonight). This too will pass. Life goes on. I just don't understand the lying, the games, the triangulation. I don't get it. Why me? And what's so wrong with me that I would have done anything for that man?

 

Yes he's blocked. He doesn't have my number cause I changed it. Hes been blocked on fb for months. It was just some random conversation today that supported all my suspicions. I'm hurting. I don't even feel happy that I was vindicated. It just sucks. I wish he would move away.

 

Mostly I hope I never fall for a guy like that again. I hope I've learned my lesson.

[katara42]

So, little update. Suddenly, I feel completely over my ex. Like a spell has been broken. It's the strangest thing - after being emotionally crippled for months, all of a sudden I realized I feel really grounded and free. I feel free of him. It's awesome. I don't think I'll be updating again. Just hang in there if you're going through the ringer.

 

If your breakup has you wondering if you're dealing with someone who isn't typical, I encourage you to read up as much as you can. But remember that you don't need to diagnose someone to realize a relationship is toxic. If it feels bad, get out. Take your sad days, but keep moving forward, even if some days you have to crawl. Understand what you went through but don't be a lifelong victim of some jerk. If you were mixed up with someone atypical, by all means learn learn learn and in your research, learn how to retrain your thinking. Learn how to make yourself happy.

 

All of a sudden I realized I don't miss him, I don't hate him, I don't love him. He simply was. What a fantastic feeling. Peace and thank you to those who took time to read my story.