NC log - a place to vent

[AisforBroken]

I'm 8 months post break up (7 year relationship, first serious rel, best friends, lived together, the whole shabang) and I've tried no contact at least 3 or 4 times now... I'd say unsuccessfully.

 

I think this time I finally did it right... because I realized today that it's been a whole month... and I wasn't even counting! All the times before it was so damn painful to just get through a single day and then I would get in bed at night and go "okay... day 6... I can do this for 3 more weeks." This time, I had actually forgotten how long it had been because I was actually focusing on me and not him, or the no contact... I had just vowed to get myself back, no matter how long that took, so I didn't give myself a strict timeline (ie, 30 DAYS!). It's been hard because he's texted me 3 times since I've vowed no contact (which is odd because I've had to text him first every single time for the last 8 months)... now I think he's mad at me, or sensitive, or just thinks I'm playing some game with him, because I didn't explain myself to him, I just cut him off... but I really just felt like I needed to not talk to him anymore... until I truly don't care anymore... because I always end up backtracking when I don't get what I want from him.

 

I came on here because I started missing him a lot last night and I had a dream about him. Today, I looked at our texts and realized it's actually been a whole month since I've talked to him... and that seemed like an impossible feat a few months ago... I would have been literally waking up ON the 30th day with a text already written and ready to send to him, that I had been revising and revising for the entire 30 days (clearly using the time to focus on myself, right? But this time... I'm at day 30 and instead of instantly texting him, I'm actually thinking I might just wait another 30... Part of me feels like he's slipping away because we aren't talking, but then I realize he's already gone... and nothing I do is going to bring him back (TRUST ME on this... I tried EVERYTHING for like 6 whole months.) If he wanted me back he would let me know. Hell, I might just never text him again unless he comes back swinging... It feels good to have some power back. I feel like I have the upper hand now because he has texted me 3 times with no response. And that would piss anyone off... lol. Not that I'm trying to piss him off, but it's does feel good to not be the one groveling for a response.

 

I feel like I'm finally doing NC the RIGHT way this time - for me, and not for him - and it actually feels really good, instead of feeling terrible and wrong and incredibly difficult every single day, like my previous attempts felt.

 

I had a weak moment last night... almost texted him... but then I just sent the message to myself and I actually felt better about it that way. I got to let out what I wanted to say, but I didn't have to sit and stress for hours (or days) about what his response would be or if he would respond at all... I only wish I was this smart for the first 6 months of my break up lol.

[AisforBroken]

"I'll never be good enough for you because I can't hold myself to your standards at all times. I need to be able to be vulnerable. I need to know it's okay to not be okay all the time and that in those times, you'll still think I'm worth it. I need to know that you will fight for me instead of thinking you can just so easily go and find my replacement... I can't do that with you. You begin to judge me, and silently criticize me, and make up all these reasons in your mind to justify giving up on me. You want more than what I can give you when I'm not at my best, and I can't blame you for that, but I'm not going to be at my best at all times... especially if we're talking a lifetime together. And in those times, I need to know that I'm still worth it to you, but I just don't think I'll ever be enough for you in those times. Above all, I would have never given up on you. Above all, being with you was the most important thing. I deserve the same. I deserve someone whose priorities match mine and who sees the value in investing instead of walking away to find something shiny and new when I don't look so shiny anymore. I need someone who can see past the "right now" enough to know who I am and not walk away. And if, after SEVEN YEARS, you can't see past the "downward slump" I was in, and see the real me, and continue to choose me, and love me, and support me, then how will you ever? You don't see the light in me in my dark times, and then I start to see myself through your eyes, and through your disappointment in me, and I forget that I have a light in me at all. I feel worthless. I need someone who sees my light at all times... someone who thinks I'm worth it even when I don't think I am. Because I don't need a second person showing me they don't believe in me on a daily basis when I've already stopped believing in myself. My doubts are more than enough for me to handle... I don't need your doubts too.

 

 

So much I want to say, but I'm so glad I've gotten to a point where it doesn't NEED to be said to him.. I write out messages like this and read them only a DAY or TWO later and feel completely different, so it's very good that I'm not sending them to him. It does feel good and I think it's helpful to write it out though... for me... to remember how I felt at different stages of my healing. It's really helpful to look back and see how far I've come too. Or to just cringe at myself... either way. lol

[Annie1989]

So I'm one month post breakup after 7 years...we got a place together and then I found out he cheated on me a month into living together. I blocked him and moved out, however at night I think about him and every morning I wake up thinking about him. Tonight I had a couple drinks and unblocked his number, but then blocked it three seconds later when I realized that was idiotic. I'm trying to keep busy and I know I deserve better than him, but sometimes I just feel so lonely. Normally during the day I'm fine but when I sleep I always dream about him.

[rtyu4567]

8 months BU going on 3 months NC. I'm doing this! It has gotten a whole lot better. Yet, I still have moments when I get sad. Wow it's over! No doubt going completely NC has made a difference in the way I feel, I am finally moving on. Thoughts of you have lessen and I have gained more clarity and have become stronger. In the moments of sadness I wonder now if you ever loved me or if you think of me and miss me at all or if you were able just to move on to the next with no remorse and never seeing your part in all of it. But, the truth is that it doesn't matter. It is what it was. I will never contact you.....I won't do that to myself and I will never give you the satisfaction again. You enjoy way too much watching me grovel and when you saw me down, you took great pleasure in kicking me further down. I am so proud of myself, I never thought that I would be where I am today, I hardly think of you anymore and you are becoming a thing of the past with each passing day. The pain in my heart and soul for you has subsided enormously. I am able to differentiate my sadness, I know now that loneliness and not having a partner to share with is what I miss, not you. You just brought me a lot of pain.

[Whocares479]

Day " I don't know" of No Contact, and I started to miss him a bit. Then I realized, I am not missing him, I am missing who he was.

 

 

Sincerely,

Diary of a woman who is moving on.

[lovelyworld]

I'm here to vent. I can actually say I'm almost over my ex. I can also actually say that it doesn't hurt me to think of him, and it's possible I think of him and see him as a friend now. Never saw it possible. I have been talking to this guy the past couple weeks. I thought he was so great at first, but he doesn't text well, and now I'm realizing he doesn't want a relationship, which is fine. But something is off with him. I think it's possible he has a gf. So this is what is making me sad today...it's great I'm not sad about my ex, but I'm sad about about another guy now. Sad that I got a bit attached without realizing. Sad I was possibly getting played. It doesn't feel good. He actually makes my ex look so good in comparison. I also think my cycle is coming soon, so I'm extra emotional and sensitive. I just want to cry. I haven't cried in a long time, and I think I'm due for a good cry.

Before I talked to this guy, I felt happy single...then I talked to him, and he made me laugh and smile a lot, but I also realized I was losing some of my internal peace and happiness...I was worried about being fooled again, worried about being lied to....and I think that's probably what was happening. I'm so silly. I need to trust my gut feeling. I am not going to talk to other guys for a while.

I'm probably going to cry soon to get it all out, but anyway, I am going to continue being alone. I don't think I am ready at all to talk to someone new.

[Sillybillycat]

I'm here to vent. I can actually say I'm almost over my ex. I can also actually say that it doesn't hurt me to think of him, and it's possible I think of him and see him as a friend now. Never saw it possible. I have been talking to this guy the past couple weeks. I thought he was so great at first, but he doesn't text well, and now I'm realizing he doesn't want a relationship, which is fine. But something is off with him. I think it's possible he has a gf. So this is what is making me sad today...it's great I'm not sad about my ex, but I'm sad about about another guy now. Sad that I got a bit attached without realizing. Sad I was possibly getting played. It doesn't feel good. He actually makes my ex look so good in comparison. I also think my cycle is coming soon, so I'm extra emotional and sensitive. I just want to cry. I haven't cried in a long time, and I think I'm due for a good cry.

Before I talked to this guy, I felt happy single...then I talked to him, and he made me laugh and smile a lot, but I also realized I was losing some of my internal peace and happiness...I was worried about being fooled again, worried about being lied to....and I think that's probably what was happening. I'm so silly. I need to trust my gut feeling. I am not going to talk to other guys for a while.

I'm probably going to cry soon to get it all out, but anyway, I am going to continue being alone. I don't think I am ready at all to talk to someone new.

 

Congrats! I want to feel that too! I've been doing so much better than months ago, but this last days I've been thinking about him a lot. I've been imagining that we bump into each other and that we end up talking as we used to do. That's not gonna happen, of course. But I do miss talking to him and having him around. I now he doesn't miss me, he's damn fine without me, so...

It didn't hurt me anymore to think about him, and somehow it's back... i think that's because I started talking to someone new. At first it fell nice, but maybe I'm not ready, I got scared and took a step back. I started thinking about how easy it was with my ex, and well, here I am. I feel stupid. I want to be where you are, haha.

[Heart of gold]

How do you stop caring if they're happy if they're not? How do u stop feeling like they done you over and didn't even put up a fight? Just walked back into their twisted life?

[Whocares479]

How do you stop caring if they're happy if they're not? How do u stop feeling like they done you over and didn't even put up a fight? Just walked back into their twisted life?

 

Hey how are you?

[Heart of gold]

Hey how are you?

 

Hey I'm not good. I'm ok physically lol no crying no moping I get up dressed go out but i feel so low inside. Feel like he's come out of this unscathed. Keep telling myself he can't change his ways so won't be truly happy but the feeling Iv got inside me isn't budging!

How are you?

[lovelyworld]

Feel like complete crap. Being ignored is the worst thing anyone could do to me lol. The new guy I talked to completely ghosted me, and today I wished him a happy birthday and I got ignored again. This feeling sucks. I feel so stupid, my gosh. Should have given up on him the first week. I just don't get why someone needs to ignore when it takes less effort to reply and say they don't want anything. I'm sure I'll feel like crap for a few days.

I was finally getting over my ex before I met him, no more sadness. Took me months and months to finally feel better about ex. Then I met this guy because I thought I was ready to talk to someone new, but now I'm being ignored. Now I dislike this new guy. He's making my ex look better.

[Whocares479]

Hey I'm not good. I'm ok physically lol no crying no moping I get up dressed go out but i feel so low inside. Feel like he's come out of this unscathed. Keep telling myself he can't change his ways so won't be truly happy but the feeling Iv got inside me isn't budging!

How are you?

 

As you know from my recent post, I feel pretty sad. It goes in and out. One minute I feel completely fine then the next I wanna crawl in a ball. What day are you on NC?

[Whocares479]

Feel like complete crap. Being ignored is the worst thing anyone could do to me lol. The new guy I talked to completely ghosted me, and today I wished him a happy birthday and I got ignored again. This feeling sucks. I feel so stupid, my gosh. Should have given up on him the first week. I just don't get why someone needs to ignore when it takes less effort to reply and say they don't want anything. I'm sure I'll feel like crap for a few days.

I was finally getting over my ex before I met him, no more sadness. Took me months and months to finally feel better about ex. Then I met this guy because I thought I was ready to talk to someone new, but now I'm being ignored. Now I dislike this new guy. He's making my ex look better.

 

I am in the EXACT same situation. The guy I am doing NC with helped me get over the guy I lost my virginity to. To be completely honest, he makes my ex looks like a saint. Forget this new guy, don't waste no more time, energy, and sadness on him. None of these dudes are worth it. Did you guys get into an argument or something?

[lovelyworld]

I am in the EXACT same situation. The guy I am doing NC with helped me get over the guy I lost my virginity to. To be completely honest, he makes my ex looks like a saint. Forget this new guy, don't waste no more time, energy, and sadness on him. None of these dudes are worth it. Did you guys get into an argument or something?

 

We did get in a bit of an argument, but I didn't think he would ignore me for days after it. Plus, he talked to me fine when we said bye that day. I saw him last on Thursday, and I'm not sure if I hit the spot right and figured out he had a gf. Maybe that's why he disappeared. But one thing I don't like is to get ignored, I like clear answers. I wouldn't get hurt if he said "hey this isn't working out". Gosh, I know he isn't worth it. I need a few days to myself to feel great again. You know what's funny? My ex has been messaging me lately (I really see him as a friend now), and he's being a good distraction to this new guy drama. Before, the new guy was a distraction to helping me get over my ex.

 

I suppose it's the same for you...your ex helped you get over the other ex you lost your virginity to. And now you're trying to get over him. It'll happen....just go back to NC. Only way to get our dignity back. These guys are all not worth it lol, I feel so done. So doneee.

[lovelyworld]

How do you stop caring if they're happy if they're not? How do u stop feeling like they done you over and didn't even put up a fight? Just walked back into their twisted life?

 

You'll stop caring if they're happy or not one day...it'll happen naturally, when you get so fed up with feeling sad about them and wasting so much mental energy on them.

[Whocares479]

We did get in a bit of an argument, but I didn't think he would ignore me for days after it. Plus, he talked to me fine when we said bye that day. I saw him last on Thursday, and I'm not sure if I hit the spot right and figured out he had a gf. Maybe that's why he disappeared. But one thing I don't like is to get ignored, I like clear answers. I wouldn't get hurt if he said "hey this isn't working out". Gosh, I know he isn't worth it. I need a few days to myself to feel great again. You know what's funny? My ex has been messaging me lately (I really see him as a friend now), and he's being a good distraction to this new guy drama. Before, the new guy was a distraction to helping me get over my ex.

 

I suppose it's the same for you...your ex helped you get over the other ex you lost your virginity to. And now you're trying to get over him. It'll happen....just go back to NC. Only way to get our dignity back. These guys are all not worth it lol, I feel so done. So doneee.

 

I'd say leave your other ex alone too. I know it sucks to be alone but you got to in order to fully heal. Or else you'll start clinging on the the ex again and he will break your heart. It will be an ongoing cycle. I hope you feel better.

[Dominique]

I'm so miserable. Being broken hearted is so awful. So awful 😔

[Dominique]

It's 2am here and I am about to pour myself a drink. I'm so sad.

[Heart of gold]

It's 2am here and I am about to pour myself a drink. I'm so sad.

 

Won't drinking make you feel worse? Try to get some sleep. Put a calming meditation thingy on YouTube and listen through earphones without watching the video. Should help you to switch off and doze off.

[Dominique]

Won't drinking make you feel worse? Try to get some sleep. Put a calming meditation thingy on YouTube and listen through earphones without watching the video. Should help you to switch off and doze off.

Drinking won't make me feel worse. I don't think that's possible .... But it will make me sleepy.

I will try what you said and listen to a video.

Seriously...thank you for the reply. Dealing with this break up had been awful and the worst part is feeling so alone. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. It helps. A lot.

[Heart of gold]

Drinking won't make me feel worse. I don't think that's possible .... But it will make me sleepy.

I will try what you said and listen to a video.

Seriously...thank you for the reply. Dealing with this break up had been awful and the worst part is feeling so alone. I appreciate you taking the time to reply. It helps. A lot.

You're not alone. It can feel like that at times like this especially when ur loved ones just say forget it and move on.

Post on here, so many people including me are going through break ups. I hope you feel better.

[Dominique]

You're not alone. It can feel like that at times like this especially when ur loved ones just say forget it and move on.

Post on here, so many people including me are going through break ups. I hope you feel better.

 

This forum and the courage of persons to post here has helped me a great deal. I was in a deep depression. I didn't get out of bed or eat for 6 days. Coming here and seeing that I wasn't crazy made me look out the window to what could be the "other side".

 

I am not one to give my heart away or to get into serious relationships so this heartbreak has brought me to my knees. I truly didn't believe in soulmates until MD (my ex). He and I connected in a way that was just nothing short of miraculous. But life got in the way. So now it's over..... He is healing his wounds with another woman (she is definitely a rebound.... But he's hurting and filling the pain with her ...I actually feel a bit bad for her because I know his heart is still with me) BUT I refuse to jump into anything with someone else, so I have this huge void in my life. We shared everything..... And looked forward to sharing more.

Im on day 9 of NC. It is awful. But at least I got up and went to work today.

[Dominique]

P. S. This isn't an endorsement but, my drink is making me feel better not worse. I'm so wound up. It's helping me relax. (Just a very small drink. I made half a martini to take the edge off for now. ) 😔 I pray I can sleep. I haven't really slept in weeks.

[Dominique]

I didn't sleep at all. 😔

[lovelyworld]

I'd say leave your other ex alone too. I know it sucks to be alone but you got to in order to fully heal. Or else you'll start clinging on the the ex again and he will break your heart. It will be an ongoing cycle. I hope you feel better.

 

He finally sent a text last night saying we should stop talking, the arguing was too much, and that he won't start texting me all day all of the sudden and I won't like that soooo we should stop talking. Now I don't have to ask myself questions. Or wonder if he is ignoring me. We were not compatible. It hurts a bit, but there was no love there, so it's an easier type of breakup. I'm going to be gentle with myself this week and let myself be sad if I feel it.