NC log - a place to vent

[lovelyworld]

This forum and the courage of persons to post here has helped me a great deal. I was in a deep depression. I didn't get out of bed or eat for 6 days. Coming here and seeing that I wasn't crazy made me look out the window to what could be the "other side".

 

I am not one to give my heart away or to get into serious relationships so this heartbreak has brought me to my knees. I truly didn't believe in soulmates until MD (my ex). He and I connected in a way that was just nothing short of miraculous. But life got in the way. So now it's over..... He is healing his wounds with another woman (she is definitely a rebound.... But he's hurting and filling the pain with her ...I actually feel a bit bad for her because I know his heart is still with me) BUT I refuse to jump into anything with someone else, so I have this huge void in my life. We shared everything..... And looked forward to sharing more.

Im on day 9 of NC. It is awful. But at least I got up and went to work today.

 

It will get easier, I promise. The first few weeks are the hardest. I couldn't sleep or eat, either. Don't worry about the other girl, it's a rebound like you said. My ex did the same. Most rebounds don't last long. I spent so long worrying about the new girl, and they ended up breaking up after 2 months-3 months. He will still be thinking of you. He's comparing her to you. And he's definitely not emotionally available to her. Be gentle with yourself. Try to feed yourself. Get some melatonin pills for sleep. Just take it one day at a time, and get on here to vent your emotions. This site has helped me a lot. Helped me not feel alone.

Proud of you for going to work today

[Dominique]

It will get easier, I promise. The first few weeks are the hardest. I couldn't sleep or eat, either. Don't worry about the other girl, it's a rebound like you said. My ex did the same. Most rebounds don't last long. I spent so long worrying about the new girl, and they ended up breaking up after 2 months-3 months. He will still be thinking of you. He's comparing her to you. And he's definitely not emotionally available to her. Be gentle with yourself. Try to feed yourself. Get some melatonin pills for sleep. Just take it one day at a time, and get on here to vent your emotions. This site has helped me a lot. Helped me not feel alone.

Proud of you for going to work today

Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply.

 

I'm a mess and hurting so bad.

 

It's been 2 months since we truly broke it off and just over a week of no contact. I had to stop myself from texting him and emailig him. Now that I know he's with someone else, it has made it that much harder. I found out two weeks ago about the new person. She is younger and prettier than me and it was a blow to my ego.

 

The news broke my heart and opened the breakup wounds all over again.

 

Prior to this news, I was hoping we would reconcile because we admittedly still have feelings for each other and our difficult circumstances are what broke us up...not our lack of love or desire for each other. (We are both going through long process of very very difficult divorces and hostile spouses. We met and connected after we had both separated and our divorces were in process and felt so lucky to have found each other. His is almost final and mine will be soon.)

 

I feel sick all the time. I have lost 27lbs since we broke up. I try to focus on work and my family and positive things and helping others..... But my heart aches anyway. Plus being alone at night without him just kills me. I miss him so much. But unlike him, I won't just jump in with someone else to fill the void. 😔

 

Ugh...I just want to go home and cry.

[Heart of gold]

@ Dominique stay strong and put yourself first. If he has moved on, even if he hadn't, he will make his own choices regardless of how much you are in touch. If he loves you, he'll realise but if he doesn't, he won't come back no matter how hard you try.

Just take it one day at a time and be good to yourself.

Nothing will take the pain away or make it easier. Just keep telling yourself that you can't go back there and there's nothing you can but get through each day.

I am in a similar boat to you and I know how you are feeling my lovely.

[Dominique]

Thanks, Heart of Gold. I just want yo go home. Every day of NC makes me feel worse than the day before. I just want to go home.

U stay strong too. I'm so sorry ur hurting.

[Heart of gold]

Tbh no contact hasn't helped me feel better. The only thing it's done for me is gain that control back somewhat where I was waiting for him to Fne me and he had his easy way back in by foning me every two days, he doesn't have that anymore.

I'm ok day to day because I've been thru too much crap in life so I'm not an emotional soul lol but feel s***? Yes. Feeling low? Yes. Feeling like if I was as amazing as everyone is saying then why hasn't he come begging? Yes. Lol

But on the upside.. My stress levels are lower as I'm not chasing after him, phoning him, texting him and arguing with him because his lies aren't making any sense!

Keep strong. X

[Dominique]

I wish my stress was lower. I'm glad you at least have that. Hold on to that feeling.

 

I don't feel any benefit at all.....

 

I just want to go home.

 

I can't wait to go home.

[Heart of gold]

I wish my stress was lower. I'm glad you at least have that. Hold on to that feeling.

 

I don't feel any benefit at all.....

 

I just want to go home.

 

I can't wait to go home.

 

Hang in there, use it as a distraction. After work go out for abit m. For a drive or a walk if u don't drive. Get yourself a nice treat.

There's no quick fix Hun that's what I really wanted... To skip this bit and wake up one day n not give a f***. But it doesn't work like that. For now just focus on small steps.

Wear makeup, nice clothes, throw urself into work and then depending on how much real life support u have,try to get out of the house or do little things to make urself happy.

I wish there was a wand we could all wave and forget these losers but it isn't easy.

You WILL get through it and you'll be stronger, self assured and happier.

I am here if you need to vent, along with many other kind readers who helped me loads to take little steps.🌹

[Dominique]

@heartofgold thanks so much. ❤️

 

Venting here has helped me a lot. It helps keep me from reaching out to him. 😔

[Heart of gold]

@heartofgold thanks so much. ❤️

Venting here has helped me a lot. It helps keep me from reaching out to him. 😔

Exactly Hun and that's what u need for the moment. You will be ok.

[Dominique]

Exactly Hun and that's what u need for the moment. You will be ok.

It feels like it's never going to be ok.

But I'm hopeful.

I'm finally home. I'm so glad to be home.

[Whocares479]

It feels like it's never going to be ok.

But I'm hopeful.

I'm finally home. I'm so glad to be home.

 

If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. I know how it feels.

[Dominique]

If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. I know how it feels.

 

Thank u.

 

I feel so needy and alone right now. It's hard to think straight.

 

Ugh...

[Whocares479]

Thank u.

 

I feel so needy and alone right now. It's hard to think straight.

 

Ugh...

 

You are not alone, I felt that feeling before too. What day of NC are you on?

[Dominique]

You are not alone, I felt that feeling before too. What day of NC are you on?

 

I decided am not going to count days because this is a continuous decision for me and putting days on it makes me tense and stressed.

But for the record, it's been just over a week. Easter Sunday. We wished each other happy holiday.

[Whocares479]

I decided am not going to count days because this is a continuous decision for me and putting days on it makes me tense and stressed.

But for the record, it's been just over a week. Easter Sunday. We wished each other happy holiday.

 

I like your way of thinking! Counting the daus do get a bit redundant, I think I will stop counting after I get passed day 7, which will be a first for me.

[Dominique]

I like your way of thinking! Counting the daus do get a bit redundant, I think I will stop counting after I get passed day 7, which will be a first for me.

 

I used to count how long we had gone without speaking after we broke up, but the intent in my mind was to see how long we could stand it before one of us broke down and had to hear from the other...the longest was about ten days.

 

Now I just want the pain to stop and NC seems to be the best way....so I am just working at accepting that as my reality. It's killing me.

[Breezway77]

Hi Everyone, I'm happy to find this site. Today I begin NC Day 1. I had 8 days and then OF COURSE answered the phone one day, and OF COURSE things that were already bad got 10x worse. I'm breaking up with an alcoholic after 3 years. His condition has taken him to rock bottom, blackouts for days. I drank with him for 2 1/2 years, I quit 6 months ago. It's the healthiest, hardest thing I've ever done so it's killing me that this breakup is killing me! I feel like a hopeless codependent, my head knows what's right but my heart is smashed. I can't stop crying (and then accepting that I'm crying over a blackout drunk who fell into bed with another woman), I haven't eaten for days. I feel so damaged. Part of it must be because I used to drink through my problems, this is the first time I'm facing something emotional like a breakup as a sober person. All the emotions are just too much. I know I miss the relationship, not him, I know this. So sitting here crying as I type is just making me upset with myself for being upset.

 

I'm putting on my hiking shoes and am going to work out some stress on the mountain. Please give me support, this is NC Day 1.

[Heart of gold]

Hi Everyone, I'm happy to find this site. Today I begin NC Day 1. I had 8 days and then OF COURSE answered the phone one day, and OF COURSE things that were already bad got 10x worse. I'm breaking up with an alcoholic after 3 years. His condition has taken him to rock bottom, blackouts for days. I drank with him for 2 1/2 years, I quit 6 months ago. It's the healthiest, hardest thing I've ever done so it's killing me that this breakup is killing me! I feel like a hopeless codependent, my head knows what's right but my heart is smashed. I can't stop crying (and then accepting that I'm crying over a blackout drunk who fell into bed with another woman), I haven't eaten for days. I feel so damaged. Part of it must be because I used to drink through my problems, this is the first time I'm facing something emotional like a breakup as a sober person. All the emotions are just too much. I know I miss the relationship, not him, I know this. So sitting here crying as I type is just making me upset with myself for being upset.

 

I'm putting on my hiking shoes and am going to work out some stress on the mountain. Please give me support, this is NC Day 1.

 

Hello and welcome lol.

Don't you worry Hun. My bf got his wife/ex wife pregnant when he was drunk. She had the kid and I found out he isn't actually divorced! U imagine how I feel..six years of a relationship with a man who didn't work, didn't do anything for me. I was always there for him only for him to betray me behind my back.

He now lives with her and the kid even though he claimed there was nothing between them and I am 29 and starting again.

We will get you through it...people here keep me sane because my friends keep telling me to forget and move forward but the anger in me, the feeling that it's my loss more than his at this moment in time is holding me back.

[Dominique]

Hi Everyone, I'm happy to find this site. Today I begin NC Day 1. I had 8 days and then OF COURSE answered the phone one day, and OF COURSE things that were already bad got 10x worse. I'm breaking up with an alcoholic after 3 years. His condition has taken him to rock bottom, blackouts for days. I drank with him for 2 1/2 years, I quit 6 months ago. It's the healthiest, hardest thing I've ever done so it's killing me that this breakup is killing me! I feel like a hopeless codependent, my head knows what's right but my heart is smashed. I can't stop crying (and then accepting that I'm crying over a blackout drunk who fell into bed with another woman), I haven't eaten for days. I feel so damaged. Part of it must be because I used to drink through my problems, this is the first time I'm facing something emotional like a breakup as a sober person. All the emotions are just too much. I know I miss the relationship, not him, I know this. So sitting here crying as I type is just making me upset with myself for being upset.

 

I'm putting on my hiking shoes and am going to work out some stress on the mountain. Please give me support, this is NC Day 1.

 

i cry as i type all the time. the pain of the break is excruciating. i am so sorry you are hurting....i wish i could make it go away.

 

keep doing things for yourself and know you have support here.

 

do you go to AA? this might be a good time to start if you don't...just a suggestion.

 

sending you love and light.

[Dominique]

i was good until lunchtime....it's lunch time in my time zone.... i am ready to go home now. i am over this day. i am fighting crying and feeling some kind of way right now. i was up most of the night and when i went to sleep i had a horrible nightmare about my ex husband trying to murder me. yuck!

 

this is still progress for me because i am at work. (i wanted to call out sick and almost did). just three weeks ago i stayed home for a week and cried and didn't eat for 4 days.

 

still maintaining NC.

 

i want to go to his job so bad and just SEE him. not talk. not communicate...just lay eyes on him to know he's o.k. But i will not. i will protect my feelings and be strong.

[Heart of gold]

i was good until lunchtime....it's lunch time in my time zone.... i am ready to go home now. i am over this day. i am fighting crying and feeling some kind of way right now. i was up most of the night and when i went to sleep i had a horrible nightmare about my ex husband trying to murder me. yuck!

 

this is still progress for me because i am at work. (i wanted to call out sick and almost did). just three weeks ago i stayed home for a week and cried and didn't eat for 4 days.

 

still maintaining NC.

 

i want to go to his job so bad and just SEE him. not talk. not communicate...just lay eyes on him to know he's o.k. But i will not. i will protect my feelings and be strong.

 

Baby steps..you are getting there honestly. Think of the progress u have made its tremendous.

[Dominique]

Baby steps..you are getting there honestly. Think of the progress u have made its tremendous.

 

I reflect on my progress all the time. My reflections keep me sane.

 

I just want to cry right now though.....i miss him so much. It is killing me not to see him and the kids.

 

how r you?????

[Heart of gold]

I reflect on my progress all the time. My reflections keep me sane.

 

I just want to cry right now though.....i miss him so much. It is killing me not to see him and the kids.

 

how r you?????

 

I'm ok on the outside lol but I feel crappy inside today Dominique. Same old thoughts in my head.how he doesn't care, never did and I wasted my time. How he's crawled back to his sh*** life flawless.

 

I get that I've lost nothing but still feel like he's over this so he never cared. And that thought is bothering me.

[Dominique]

I'm ok on the outside lol but I feel crappy inside today Dominique. Same old thoughts in my head.how he doesn't care, never did and I wasted my time. How he's crawled back to his sh*** life flawless.

 

I get that I've lost nothing but still feel like he's over this so he never cared. And that thought is bothering me.

 

i understand. i'm so sorry. please know that you are worth having someone who truly cares. if he really doesn't care at all, i am so glad he is out of your life. i'll be glad for you until you can be. i am thankful that he is back with his wife because you deserve better. MUCH BETTER.

 

I have to wipe those same thoughts from my mind often. The love of my life is having a fling right now with this beautiful young girl and i am at work crying and sleeping alone. I console myself by not thinking about it for long. I can't....it will destroy me. i basically understand that i don't want an empty life or an empty relationship and if he is having that right now, i feel sorry for him. but it's not my problem....it's his.

[Dominique]

I'm out with my son tonight. Going to focus on the blessings in my life.

 

I slipped up and mentioned my ex in conversation. Oh well... At least it wasn't a call or a text. I miss him tonight. Very much.