NC log - a place to vent

[katara42]

Day 7 - yeah its 230am and I woke up like an hour ago and can't go back to sleep. Oh, here's a funny\awkward story. One of his so-called brothers started texting me today to see how I was doing and to tell me he always thought I was too good for "L" and was wondering if I would like to go get a drink and dinner. How's that for brotherhood? You've been gone a whole week and your boy's trying to worm his way near me. Nice. Reeeeaaaal nice. Oh but they're so loyal to you? They'd never cross your boundaries. I guess they see me as fair game now. Gross.

Oh that is gross! Wow. Maybe the ex set him up. I had one bf send his brother by to see if I'd cheat. Eye roll.

 

I hope you got some sleep in the end.

[Vivi0476]

Day 8- I'm so busy on Saturdays there's no time to talk or think about my issues or about him. So I shouldn't have anything to post. Just trudging on.

[katara42]

Day 8- I'm so busy on Saturdays there's no time to talk or think about my issues or about him. So I shouldn't have anything to post. Just trudging on.

Being busy is awesome. I figure it trains the mind to think of other things, even if you do come back to thoughts of him. I hope you have a great day!

[katara42]

I have stopped counting days. It's been a month.

 

One thing I've noticed is that I am able to ride out the compulsion to text him. He texted, and it set me back.

 

But. But. As much as part of me wanted to keep it all going (textwise) I was able to realize that if I don't text, the bad feelings will pass. If I text, I keep myself in these feelings. The only choice I have in what's happening is the choice to draw out feeling crappy. Nothing else is going to change.

 

I wrote everything I wanted to say in texts to myself. I wrote and rewrote until it felt right.

 

Then I put the phone down and walked away. And gotta say it felt pretty good to not send them. He doesn't care, there's no going back, him sending me a text because he doesn't know what to do with his bad feelings doesn't mean he wants to be together. I'm just an easy place to dump his discontent - could have been a rejection from someone else, a flat tire, a bad day at work... it wasn't really about us. Stings yes, but doesn't hurt like it did. Progress.

[GeekLover]

An apology would also be nice, maybe a mature conversation about everything that has happened.

 

This ^^

 

Day 62 here.

 

A mature conversation in person would have been appreciated to at least do our 5.5 year relationship some justice, instead of a quick text conversation and @#%&-ing goodbye email. That's the last I heard from him. I couldn't even be bothered to reply to it...not that he wanted one anyway.

 

Coward.

[Vivi0476]

Day 9- the dogs woke me up early this morning to go out. Its Sunday in my rural home so it's very silent. As I sit here and listen to the air outside my window with my cigarette and coffee. I think about our 6 years married. I wonder why he chose alcohol. I wonder why I wasn't good enough. What made him ball up his fist and hit me when all I did was ask a simple question? Not sure why I'm so contemplative this morning. Maybe it's the silence or the growing distance. I actually physically feel the death of our once great marriage as if a friend or relative has passed away and I'm left with this hole. Yesterday as I was cleaning out the spare room I found the box of letters and cards he gave me over the years and I wonder what makes a person go from that to this? None of it really matters I guess. It is. It just is. I'll go to work. I'll put on my show and my brave face and I'll trudge on thru day 9 into day 10 tomorrow.

[katara42]

Maybe it's the silence or the growing distance. I actually physically feel the death of our once great marriage as if a friend or relative has passed away and I'm left with this hole.

 

My heart goes out to you. You have experienced a great loss, you are right to grieve.

 

I understand wondering about being enough. And you probably know logically that you are enough. It's addiction. It's an illness. They will choose the bottle before anything else. Before spouses, family, their own children... sometimes they pull it together to keep their jobs, seem like an awesome person to the outside world but their private lives are h3ll. They are sick. You're right to leave. In fact not leaving would mean you have an illness, in choosing him before your own well being. You can't make him get help and you can't fix him. You truly have lost your husband and I'm sorry.

 

I wish I could show you my parents, as a cautionary tale of what happens when you stick it out like my mother did. Just believe me when I say you're better off.

 

Smoke too many cigarettes today. Drink too much coffee. Think as much as you want. You're doing what you have to.

[TiredOfDating]

It was a week ago today that my boyfriend ended our relationship out of the blue. The first couple of days I was mostly sad and confused, then the anger set in.

 

I wanted reconciliation and contacted him 3 days ago to make rules/plans about our "break". I finally slept like a rock.

 

But since yesterday, I've been back to angry. I wonder if I really DO want him back. I found a Facebook meme that perfectly described what I was feeling. It read "Sorry I annoyed you with my unconditional love and support of everything you do".

 

We had agreed not to block each other on social media and just use likes or tagging to let the other know we are thinking about them, and he likes something almost every day. I couldn't resist and posted that meme. Maybe a dumb, passive agressive move, but I just felt he needed to see I was a little angry.

 

So, I'm only 3 days NC. And I feel good about ME.

[sourhearts]

Almost end of day 12. Ugh, but why count anymore. It's done. There's no going back.

 

I'm sad. I can't believe this happened to us. I can't believe that he did what he did. I'm in disbelief. After everything, it's come down to THIS. Him, hanging out with her. God knows if they spent the weekend together. Where we used to sleep together, spend days and nights together. Laugh, watch movies, hear music. Get ready to go out to dinner. That was my life with him. But yes, last few months things went sour. Because he became miserable. We both did.

 

From a creepy internet girl, to her coming to visit his town. How could he? I don't understand how it got to this point. How much of an ahole. He's awful. He's an alcoholic. He's a loser. He's no catch and that thinks he's 'prince charming'.

[katara42]

Here's what I'd like to know... If he's the one who didn't want a relationship, then why is he mad at me!!???!!?? Mysteries lol

 

Hope you're all having a good night.

[Vivi0476]

Here's what I'd like to know... If he's the one who didn't want a relationship, then why is he mad at me!!???!!?? Mysteries lol

 

Hope you're all having a good night.

Seriously I think I asked the same question. He popped me in the face and left ME yet he's mad at ME like I did those things to him. My hunch is, its a defense mechanism. If they cloak all their feelings in anger they don't have to deal with the guilt, the sadness, or the reality that we're working through. They can just live in their anger til they're over it

[Vivi0476]

Day 10- when I started this I read a lot about how most peeps break NC in the first 10 days. So this was my short term goal. Honestly I have no desire to contact him at this point. I know it would set me back, make me cry, and make me super sad.

 

While I did have a hard time sleeping last night it wasn't unbearable.

 

Am I over it? No. I have the remnants of a 6 year marriage to dismantle. Am I happy? I'm getting there.

[Vivi0476]

Day 11 - I'm sick. I'm never sick. I'm assuming its the stress of the end of this marriage that finally wore me down. Last night I slept all the way through. It was a welcome respite from my 3am anxiety wake up calls I've been having. Its warmer today and the snows melting so I think I'll walk my dogs to the historic cemetery near my house where it's always silent. Just birds 🐦 chirping. It makes me feel better.

[katara42]

Day 11 - I'm sick. I'm never sick.

 

I bet you're right about the stress. I hope you feel better quick

[Crystal Clear2]

NC day 11. I'm beginning to realise the way he gave up so easily really showed how very little he valued me as a person. I was just a fill in. Maybe i was even his rebound. But i fell hard and i still have feelings. Coming onto day 12 and counting while he probably hasnt spared one moment thinking of me. I must turn my devotion to him onto myself. Oneday he will realise, but i will have moved on by then. I'm going to take all my love for you and give it to me. I will never make contact with you again. You asked me not too. I can respect that but not the way you judged me and accused me of being like your ex. I am not her. I was born with my own soul. Your excuse to not even try speaks volumes. You lose, not me. I want to let go of my love for you so a deserving man can have it when the time is right. Oh, i hear you're on a dating site. You really are a class act. Goodbye!

[katara42]

NC day 11. I'm beginning to realise the way he gave up so easily really showed how very little he valued me as a person. I was just a fill in. Maybe i was even his rebound. But i fell hard and i still have feelings. Coming onto day 12 and counting while he probably hasnt spared one moment thinking of me. I must turn my devotion to him onto myself. Oneday he will realise, but i will have moved on by then. I'm going to take all my love for you and give it to me. I will never make contact with you again. You asked me not too. I can respect that but not the way you judged me and accused me of being like your ex. I am not her. I was born with my own soul. Your excuse to not even try speaks volumes. You lose, not me. I want to let go of my love for you so a deserving man can have it when the time is right. Oh, i hear you're on a dating site. You really are a class act. Goodbye!

Just over 1 month no contact here. Try to avoid the self defeating thoughts of "he's not thinking of me" or "he doesn't care". He is and he does, but that doesn't matter and it doesn't mean you will or should get back together. Doesn't matter why you didnt work out, you just didnt work out. **hugs**

 

And as for the dating sites... I'm on one! I haven't gone on a date or even sparked up convos with anyone. It's just a distraction. I'm nowhere near ready to start dating again. if you don't know anything about his motivations, then don't torture yourself. Do what you said - take all that love and focus it on yourself. Self care. Feed yourself well, drink lots of water, get outside for a little walk. Love yourself

[Vivi0476]

Day 12 - still VERY sick. Now with fever. Today I have a lot of questions. Mainly why he's so resentful of me? I did NOTHING to deserve this anger. I was loyal, I cooked, I cleaned. If he so much as said he liked something I made sure he got it.

[Vivi0476]

Ugh....I broke NC. Kicking myself bc I didn't get a response (of course I didn't. I knew i wouldn't). I'm going to bed. This day is garbage. I'm sick, and I just ripped the scab off the NC wound, for what?! For nothin.

[katara42]

Ugh....I broke NC. Kicking myself bc I didn't get a response (of course I didn't. I knew i wouldn't). I'm going to bed. This day is garbage. I'm sick, and I just ripped the scab off the NC wound, for what?! For nothin.

Huge hugs. Don't sweat it too much, I broke NC repeatedly until I was ready. Don't be hard on yourself. Deep breath and start again tomorrow.

[katara42]

One month one week

 

When we first broke up (I mean the first time) I wrestled with whether or not he was a narcissist. Then I thought no, I'm just really mad. Emotionally unavailable maybe, but real narcs are so rare.

 

Then breakup number 2, still afraid to call him a narcissist. But now that time has passed (again) and I'm looking at this from a much calmer distance, I think I might be ready to admit that he was.

 

Not that it matters, really. He will be tearing me down (if he hasn't already) in this small community we live in, but I'm well positioned with an earned good reputation so hopefully it will pass without me having to hear too much about it.

 

Yep. Today I'm really happy to be free. I'm really grateful. There's no understanding or middle ground to be found.

[Vivi0476]

Day mutha fn 1 - ugh day 1. Day 1. It woulda been almost 2 weeks but I just had to say my piece and ask my questions. I can't ever leave good enough alone. No response of course

[katara42]

Day mutha fn 1 - ugh day 1. Day 1. It woulda been almost 2 weeks but I just had to say my piece and ask my questions. I can't ever leave good enough alone. No response of course

Don't beat yourself up, for me NC took a lot of practice (I keep saying this is my second big breakup and I didn't chronicle the first very messy one). You are untangling a vast web and there is so much to process. Plus everything is harder when you're sick. Big hugs. I hope you're feeling better.

[katara42]

I actually feel pretty good today. I see my ex (and relationship) in a very negative light without villianizing him. I'm remembering awful experiences he's put me through. I accept he is who he is and that he won't change. My lingering concerns are about what he may do behind my back, the crap he is saying about me to anyone who will listen. But whatever. People will believe what they want and I firmly believe that the truth will out.

 

Yep. I feel pretty good. I hate to tempt fate by saying it lol

[Vivi0476]

Day 1. Yes day 1 AGAIN. All I can do is cry. I took today off and all I can do is cry today. I finally feel the finality of it all. I feel him gone. Not just the abusive pos. But I feel the good part of him gone too. I know this marriage is over. There is no resurrecting it. No amount of AA or counseling or rehab can fix this. I think I held out a tiny bit of hope that he'd see how ridiculous his bad decisions were and change course. But he won't. This is who he is now. I'm just a speck on the map of his life. A blip where he spent 6 years and left for the bigger better deal. May he get everything he wants.

[katara42]

Day 1. Yes day 1 AGAIN. All I can do is cry. I took today off and all I can do is cry today. I finally feel the finality of it all. I feel him gone. Not just the abusive pos. But I feel the good part of him gone too. I know this marriage is over. There is no resurrecting it. No amount of AA or counseling or rehab can fix this. I think I held out a tiny bit of hope that he'd see how ridiculous his bad decisions were and change course. But he won't. This is who he is now. I'm just a speck on the map of his life. A blip where he spent 6 years and left for the bigger better deal. May he get everything he wants.

Hugs and more hugs. It's good to take time off to grieve. If you're 4 months post breakup and still can't get out of bed that's no good, but right now it's appropriate.

 

I wish I could help, or say the right thing. I have been listening to lots of YouTube over the last few months, about healing after breakup, narcissistic relationships, stuff like that. I found it incredibly soothing.

 

I was still hooked on my ex, still am a little, even after everything. I worry that I'll be weak if he showed up at my door with flowers and a promise he's seen the light (which could very well happen, months down the road, when he's bored or his new one doesn't work out). But I'm getting stronger every day. I engage in a lot of self care. Eating mindfully. Loving myself for understanding that sometimes I need to lie in bed for the day. For the week. Just keep loving and forgiving yourself a little every day.

 

The acuteness will wear off eventually. Contact will stretch out... 1 day, 3 days, a week, then one day a month. Maybe back to one day. Who knows and who cares? It's your journey and you get to do it any way you see fit. Yes NC is easiest but you have to get to that place where you can make it happen.

 

This is how it went for me anyways, I figure it's a little different for everyone. I refuse to beat myself up for my "mistakes". I forgive myself. I felt bad enough without ganging up on myself lol. Someone had to show me love and kindness, and I was the only one here

 

More hugs. The only way out is through.