NC log - a place to vent

[katara42]

Woke up today feeling very sucky and sad again. These days are challenging - when I've been feeling good then I feel set back.

 

I remember wanting to contact him, being unable to stop myself from contacting him, and that the very thing that I thought would make me feel better usually made me feel much much worse. Of course I want to hear from him. The reality is that any time I text one of two things happened: 1. he would ignore it (which made me feel worse) 2. he would text something angry (which made me feel worse). And what about when he would text me first? He has texted angry threats (that made me feel sick and I would react and then feel worse), he has texted empty "hey" or "how's it going" which left me confused (didn't we fight? isn't he mad at me? didn't he break up with me? didn't he refuse to take me back? which made me feel worse), he would text sad "what happened to us?" (which would also leave me confused... he didn't want me. that's what happened to us. And this made me feel... worse). The last text I got from him was an effortless bootycall (which made me feel worthless, and worse). There's so much more so much more.

 

So I know not everyone's ex is like this ex of mine. This ex of mine has some serious problems. It's not a normal breakup. But this has been my experience with contact after breakup with this ex. It took figuring out that I usually felt worse after dealing with him in any way to really desire no contact. And still I wish I could hear from him, as I wrote above not long ago, some kind of validation that he actually liked me, that he knows what a decent person I am. But he doesn't. His last "bootycall" text illustrated how he doesn't understand (or want to understand) in the very least ANYTHING I have ever said to him. It makes me feel so small and meaningless, and, yes, worse.

 

For me NC is the only way to go. Not because I want him back, but because I'm tired of feeling worse. Breakup is hard enough without his words making me feel worse.

[lovelyworld]

Katara42, I hope you're feeling less sucky and sad.

I also end up feeling worse after texting my ex due to the same reasons you mentioned. It all comes down to the same result, feeling worse. I know if I text him, he'll reply normal....and that would hurt more. Expectations expectations.

[katara42]

Katara42, I hope you're feeling less sucky and sad.

 

I am. It passes thank goodness. A little exercise or physical labour and I'm all right again. I should write "exercise makes you feel better" and plaster it all over the house or do 20 pushups every time I have a sad thought lol

[lovelyworld]

I feel very blah today. I keep getting sad a lot. There's a party tonight, and I don't feel like going. He's just constantly in my thoughts. Day 9 NC. I thought it would get easier every day. I keep thinking he'll never contact again. I'll never hear from him unless I initiate. All negative thoughts. He's forgotten about me. I feel very down. I' tired of feeling sad about him.

Ah just wanted to vent. I feel like I vent a lot on here lately, but at least it keeps me from messaging him.

[katara42]

I feel very blah today. I keep getting sad a lot. There's a party tonight, and I don't feel like going. He's just constantly in my thoughts. Day 9 NC. I thought it would get easier every day. I keep thinking he'll never contact again. I'll never hear from him unless I initiate. All negative thoughts. He's forgotten about me. I feel very down. I' tired of feeling sad about him.

Ah just wanted to vent. I feel like I vent a lot on here lately, but at least it keeps me from messaging him.

Go to the party and keep venting here

[Vivi0476]

Day 3- I think? I'm starting to lose track which I think is good but its probably bc this will be the 3rd time I started NC. I've been a little slow at work unfortunately and have been needing to be creative about what I fill my spare time with. His brother and wife contacted me today to tell me I'll always be their sister no matter what an a hole his brother is being and to apologize for introducing me to him in the first place. Then they invited me to a family function at their house. I told them that no that could be weird but then they said something really sad they said 'honey he threw us away too'. I didn't know that he hadn't been talking to his brother for over a year. Sooooo, I might go. Is that weird? I adore my sister in law and don't want to lose her in this. Advice?

[lovelyworld]

Day 3- I think? I'm starting to lose track which I think is good but its probably bc this will be the 3rd time I started NC. I've been a little slow at work unfortunately and have been needing to be creative about what I fill my spare time with. His brother and wife contacted me today to tell me I'll always be their sister no matter what an a hole his brother is being and to apologize for introducing me to him in the first place. Then they invited me to a family function at their house. I told them that no that could be weird but then they said something really sad they said 'honey he threw us away too'. I didn't know that he hadn't been talking to his brother for over a year. Sooooo, I might go. Is that weird? I adore my sister in law and don't want to lose her in this. Advice?

 

I would go, I really don't think it's weird. His family sounds sweet. And if you are close with the sis in law, then I don't see why your relationship with her should be damaged because of him. He's not gonna be at the family function right?

Go with your gut feeling though

[Vivi0476]

I would go, I really don't think it's weird. His family sounds sweet. And if you are close with the sis in law, then I don't see why your relationship with her should be damaged because of him. He's not gonna be at the family function right?

Go with your gut feeling though

 

No, he won't be there. I don't think they even invited him. I really would like to go...my sis in law and I ride motorcycles together. I don't want to lose my one female riding buddy. Spring is close. If it's coming up on time to go and I start to panic I will cancel. They would understand.

[lovelyworld]

No, he won't be there. I don't think they even invited him. I really would like to go...my sis in law and I ride motorcycles together. I don't want to lose my one female riding buddy. Spring is close. If it's coming up on time to go and I start to panic I will cancel. They would understand.

 

It's so awesome you ride a motorcycle! I've always wanted to ride one. But yes, you should go if you're comfortable, and if you do end up cancelling they're gonna understand like you said. In the end, I think it's lovely they reached out to you..instead of taking your ex's side.

[Vivi0476]

It's so awesome you ride a motorcycle! I've always wanted to ride one. But yes, you should go if you're comfortable, and if you do end up cancelling they're gonna understand like you said. In the end, I think it's lovely they reached out to you..instead of taking your ex's side.

 

My Harley is going to be my summertime divorce therapist. Go take the classes and do it. It changed my life. Yes, I will go. It will be nice to be around family.

[lovelyworld]

Go to the party and keep venting here

 

I should have gone to the party. I had this plan that I'll have a calm "me" night. But I just ended up unblocking him on facebook (bad move) and now I have to wait 48 hours to block him again lol. Idk whether to laugh at myself or get mad, haha.

[Vivi0476]

I should have gone to the party. I had this plan that I'll have a calm "me" night. But I just ended up unblocking him on facebook (bad move) and now I have to wait 48 hours to block him again lol. Idk whether to laugh at myself or get mad, haha.

 

Oh girl u and I are making all the same mistakes lol. I unblocked now have 2 days til reblocking. I am laughing a bit about it bc we all make the same mistakes don't we?

[lovelyworld]

Oh girl u and I are making all the same mistakes lol. I unblocked now have 2 days til reblocking. I am laughing a bit about it bc we all make the same mistakes don't we?

 

Haha, that actually made me laugh. Makes me feel better because I was having a weak moment! I sort of want to be ok with having him unblocked. Your ex made it facebook official with someone else or just posted pics?

This ex...I know 100% he's talking and seeing another girl, but he hasn't made it fb official or posted any pics of themselves together. I'm waiting on this last straw...hurry up and make it fb official so I can feel the last bit of hurt lol

[Vivi0476]

Haha, that actually made me laugh. Makes me feel better because I was having a weak moment! I sort of want to be ok with having him unblocked. Your ex made it facebook official with someone else or just posted pics?

This ex...I know 100% he's talking and seeing another girl, but he hasn't made it fb official or posted any pics of themselves together. I'm waiting on this last straw...hurry up and make it fb official so I can feel the last bit of hurt lol

 

No he's too much of a coward for that. I found her page and she'd made a selfie of the 2 of them her profile picture. When I confronted him and broke nc via text he confirmed it but pretended It was "new" and all my fault for going Nc and ignoring him.

[lovelyworld]

Oh wow, can't believe he ended up blaming it on you. At least he confirmed it in the end.

What was the reason for the breakup...if you don't mind me asking? I don't think I ever knew your complete story.

 

My ex won't admit he's talking to someone else, and it gets under my skin. I'm kind of dealing with anxiety every day because I'm so nervous on when he'll announce he's in a relationship to the world. I just want it to happen so I can stop wondering

[Vivi0476]

Oh wow, can't believe he ended up blaming it on you. At least he confirmed it in the end.

What was the reason for the breakup...if you don't mind me asking? I don't think I ever knew your complete story.

 

My ex won't admit he's talking to someone else, and it gets under my skin. I'm kind of dealing with anxiety every day because I'm so nervous on when he'll announce he's in a relationship to the world. I just want it to happen so I can stop wondering

 

There were many things, mainly to do with addiction, dishonesty, control, and finally the night after Christmas, abuse. I believe he's been grooming her for a while. I'm beginning to feel sorry for her. She doesn't know what she's in for...I don't even think she knows he's still married to me. She's like 25 years older than him. A grandmother. I believe he's using her for stability and a roof over his head.

[lovelyworld]

There were many things, mainly to do with addiction, dishonesty, control, and finally the night after Christmas, abuse. I believe he's been grooming her for a while. I'm beginning to feel sorry for her. She doesn't know what she's in for...I don't even think she knows he's still married to me. She's like 25 years older than him. A grandmother. I believe he's using her for stability and a roof over his head.

 

It sounds like you definitely dodged a bullet. I still can't get over the fact that he's with someone 25 years older...really makes you ask why?? It's messed up if he's only using her for stability. Says a lot about his character!

[Angieeee]

Day 21

I tried to delete her off my ig but maybe her check my stories gives me hope? Ugh but in order for me to heal completely I must block her out of my world. I hate being home because my mind starts to wonder about her.

 

*sigh* when will I feel like myself again?

I finally deleted our pictures off my phone. I'm trying to let go of the thought she will reach out to me.

[Angieeee]

I feel very blah today. I keep getting sad a lot. There's a party tonight, and I don't feel like going. He's just constantly in my thoughts. Day 9 NC. I thought it would get easier every day. I keep thinking he'll never contact again. I'll never hear from him unless I initiate. All negative thoughts. He's forgotten about me. I feel very down. I' tired of feeling sad about him.

Ah just wanted to vent. I feel like I vent a lot on here lately, but at least it keeps me from messaging him.

 

Thats exactly how I'm feeling like I will never hear from her. Then it brings me down more to think she doesn't even care if I'm dead or alive. Do you think you will reach out to him if he doesnt contact you or you plan to completely move on?

[lovelyworld]

Day 21

I tried to delete her off my ig but maybe her check my stories gives me hope? Ugh but in order for me to heal completely I must block her out of my world. I hate being home because my mind starts to wonder about her.

 

*sigh* when will I feel like myself again?

I finally deleted our pictures off my phone. I'm trying to let go of the thought she will reach out to me.

 

Yes having him on snapchat watching my stories was giving me too much hope...since I have deleted him, I have felt the true absence...that's why I've been going through my emotions a lot lately. It's a good thing because I thought I could do NC while still having him as a friend on my snapchat. It was indirect contact in a way lol...wasn't helping me. Try deleting her off ig and see?

[lovelyworld]

Thats exactly how I'm feeling like I will never hear from her. Then it brings me down more to think she doesn't even care if I'm dead or alive. Do you think you will reach out to him if he doesnt contact you or you plan to completely move on?

 

Getting rid of the thought of them never getting contacting you again is the worst ugh. I'm having the same trouble. So for me personally, I honestly feel like maybe one day I will reach out to him....but not in this state. I can't reach out to him when I'm still getting sad about him. I won't. I'm going to give myself time. I know I can reach out to him tonight and he'll reply kindly...but that would hurt me. I guess what I'm trying to say is I will reach out to him when I feel honest with myself. I don't want to reach out to ask if he is in a relationship, I don't want to reach out saying hey how are you in hopes to get back together. I want to reach out when getting back together is out of my thoughts and having a normal kind conversation won't hurt me. I want to be able to talk to him without thinking about the past. So I have to work on myself first.

Plus if I learned anything from my on and off relationship with him...it's the times where I let go of the past and didn't think about getting back together, where I actually tried to see him as a real friend that we ended up together again. Very weird.

 

What about you? Do you think you'll reach out to her one day?

[Angieeee]

Getting rid of the thought of them never getting contacting you again is the worst ugh. I'm having the same trouble. So for me personally, I honestly feel like maybe one day I will reach out to him....but not in this state. I can't reach out to him when I'm still getting sad about him. I won't. I'm going to give myself time. I know I can reach out to him tonight and he'll reply kindly...but that would hurt me. I guess what I'm trying to say is I will reach out to him when I feel honest with myself. I don't want to reach out to ask if he is in a relationship, I don't want to reach out saying hey how are you in hopes to get back together. I want to reach out when getting back together is out of my thoughts and having a normal kind conversation won't hurt me. I want to be able to talk to him without thinking about the past. So I have to work on myself first.

Plus if I learned anything from my on and off relationship with him...it's the times where I let go of the past and didn't think about getting back together, where I actually tried to see him as a real friend that we ended up together again. Very weird.

 

What about you? Do you think you'll reach out to her one day?

 

I had a off and on again relationship too. I don't think I will reach out until I'm completely healed. I'm not in the right state of mind. I need to work on myself and be the confident person who she fell in love with. I realized I made her my world and I stopped doing the things I loved.

 

They say you lose yourself in a relationship. I made her my world. Basically my friends never liked her so I stopped hanging out with my friends and hang out a lot with hers. You're right when you said once you let go and see them as a friend we got back together. Now I know what I put her through when I broke her heart. She confessed how much she cried every night for me and always talked to her bff about me. Now im in her shoes ugh

[katara42]

Not sure what day. 7 weeks or so? Doesn't matter.

 

Had a rough day yesterday, full of ups and downs. Not sure what was behind it all. Maybe quitting smoking, because nothing happened, nothing made me think of him, he was just on my mind.

 

But today should be better, I've got a big thing coming up next weekend to look forward to. Got today to myself, always a great thing. And just might move on to the next "konmari" thing on my list (decluttering toiletries). I'm sorry I wasted so much headspace on him yesterday. Wish I knew what triggered it.

[Vivi0476]

Day 4 - mornings are the worst for me. I have my coffee/cigarette routine...but its before that. I open my eyes and realize everything is real and he's waking up with her. I get my morning cry out of the way and shower and make myself up to go to work. I don't know why this is so stinking hard on me. Why I care at all? I should be thanking her for taking him so he hasn't shown up at the door. So he hasn't seen the changes to the house and to me and that I sold his tools (lol) and flipped out on me. Why do I care that he's with her? I ask myself but I'm not getting any answers.

[Vivi0476]

Not sure what day. 7 weeks or so? Doesn't matter.

 

Had a rough day yesterday, full of ups and downs. Not sure what was behind it all. Maybe quitting smoking, because nothing happened, nothing made me think of him, he was just on my mind.

 

But today should be better, I've got a big thing coming up next weekend to look forward to. Got today to myself, always a great thing. And just might move on to the next "konmari" thing on my list (decluttering toiletries). I'm sorry I wasted so much headspace on him yesterday. Wish I knew what triggered it.

Isn't it cray how we get setbacks and don't even know why. What actually triggered it? I think sometimes its our brains compartmentalizing and filing stuff away and it opens the wound just a bit so it can heal