NC log - a place to vent

[Tombo7891]

Vivi I feel your pain, I haven;t had a good sleep since my BU. I had a few nights where I tossed and turned and didn't get a minute of sleep. Now I can at least fall asleep, I'm just wide awake the second my eyes open with the pit of anxiety in my stomach.

[Vivi0476]

Vivi I feel your pain, I haven;t had a good sleep since my BU. I had a few nights where I tossed and turned and didn't get a minute of sleep. Now I can at least fall asleep, I'm just wide awake the second my eyes open with the pit of anxiety in my stomach.

This is our curse...but maybe our blessing too. Our mind is compartmentalizing our pain. We're working through it even in our sleep.

[GeekLover]

I'm not even sure what I'm on anymore. I think today is 13 weeks? Whatever. I just want this feeling to go away. If I could flip a switch that completely erased all memories of him, I would. I hate this pain.

[Vivi0476]

I'm not even sure what I'm on anymore. I think today is 13 weeks? Whatever. I just want this feeling to go away. If I could flip a switch that completely erased all memories of him, I would. I hate this pain.

I pray that at week 13 I officially dgaf. I can't handle anymore days like this. I'm sitting in my salon waiting for my next client and crying. I'm so stupid.

[katara42]

Hey guys! I'm almost home from my weekend. Spent time with a very old friend for the drive. As bits of the story came out (we both are single right now) she said at one point "honey, he sounds psycho". I said "thank you!!!!" It was really good to have that confirmed by an outside person. And it wasn't even the real freaky sad stories! I didn't want to spend much time on him and put a downer on everything, just road trip stories. She has been thru so much these last few years too. We didn't spend a second talking about the exes at the functions. At times I totally forgot about him. So yeah. It's like I'm uncovering myself, reminded of who I was before. Being with old friends who know me was healing - we all worked together and have been thru serious staff and customer challenges. Crazy stuff

 

It was so good to feel normal. I am dreading valentine's day, some real bad memories, so it was good to stock up on a bunch of love and support. I still cry, boy am i still sad sometimes, but crawling out.

[Tombo7891]

Not stupid at all Vivi, these are your emotions and there is nothing you can do about it, accept it and DO NOT feel guilty. We all unfortunately go through these low points/ learning experiences. As you said our minds are trying to figure these things out. Keep you head up! cry as much as you have to. I know it makes me feel better. Each day we'll feel a little better, baby steps.

[mbee]

Valentine's day is just a day and it falls on Tuesday. Hope you have something to look forward to with friends since it'll pass by quickly!

[Vivi0476]

Day 12 - the dogs woke me up to go out at 545am. I finally got back to sleeping well and these crazy chicks decide I need to be up at the butt crack of dawn.

 

Its good though. Ill get a jump on my house and make myself pretty and go down to the city and walk around somewhere I have never been...not sure where yet. Tomorrow, for stupid vday(it was stupid even when I was in a relationship), I'm going to the hot springs near my house to soak and zone out. I think the waters will help cleanse my soul.

 

When I get thoughts of him I've taken to saying "I don't love you. I'm over you. I love me now." Its so freaking weird how saying it out loud helps me. It like tricks my brain. Kinda like brain washing tactics used on myself. So weird.

 

I realized something a few days ago; when I left my 1st husband (and broke his heart into a gazillion pieces...karma?) I left behind EVERYTHING. I was just so glad to be gone from him that all that seemed inconsequential. Well, my husband has done the same thing. His clothes, his tools, even his dog. He ran away, like I did all those years ago. I never had any intention if going back. Neither does he. Which is good...the difference is, I don't want him back. I just want him to want me. Stupid fantasies? For sure. But karmic revelations are helpful.

 

I'm growing, I'm learning, I'm going to be a better, more loving person at the end of this tunnel. I refuse to let it make me bitter.

[katara42]

Day 12 - the dogs woke me up to go out at 545am. I finally got back to sleeping well and these crazy chicks decide I need to be up at the butt crack of dawn.

 

Its good though. Ill get a jump on my house and make myself pretty and go down to the city and walk around somewhere I have never been...not sure where yet. Tomorrow, for stupid vday(it was stupid even when I was in a relationship), I'm going to the hot springs near my house to soak and zone out. I think the waters will help cleanse my soul.

 

When I get thoughts of him I've taken to saying "I don't love you. I'm over you. I love me now." Its so freaking weird how saying it out loud helps me. It like tricks my brain. Kinda like brain washing tactics used on myself. So weird.

 

I realized something a few days ago; when I left my 1st husband (and broke his heart into a gazillion pieces...karma?) I left behind EVERYTHING. I was just so glad to be gone from him that all that seemed inconsequential. Well, my husband has done the same thing. His clothes, his tools, even his dog. He ran away, like I did all those years ago. I never had any intention if going back. Neither does he. Which is good...the difference is, I don't want him back. I just want him to want me. Stupid fantasies? For sure. But karmic revelations are helpful.

 

I'm growing, I'm learning, I'm going to be a better, more loving person at the end of this tunnel. I refuse to let it make me bitter.

 

Hey vivi - the hotsprings sound amazing!

 

I like the mantra or whatever it is you tell yourself when you think of him. Its very direct. I will try that. You sound like you're getting your feet under you. Hugs! Enjoy your early morning!

[lovelyworld]

He facetimed me last night, but I didn't answer. I think it was by accident because he never ever calls..ever. But why would he call? How can he even call by accident when he's never called by accident ever? I'm just convinced he's playing mind games with me. He wants me to react. He wants me to ask if he called by accident. But he doesn't want me.

 

I have stopped counting the NC days...it helps not to because each day is getting easier. I get sad. I feel numb. But I'm accepting it more and more every day. Last week when he reached out by text..gave me a bit of hope. I thought maybe he stopped seeing the other girl. However, on his mom's facebook page...she has pics of the new girl in their family pics, so it made me realize he was still seeing her, and that he reached out for no reason to me. It's ok, though. I'm beginning to get used to the idea and thoughts of him being with someone else. It gets me down sometimes, as expected....but it's getting easier. Valentine's day is tomorrow...I was dreading this day all the way because I knew he'd spend it with her and because of all the memories of v-day with him last year. But I think I'll be fine. I hope. If not, it's okay.

 

I'm trying to love myself more. I'm trying to have more positive thoughts, instead of just always thinking of him negatively and dwelling on the past. I am realizing more and more that I was a great girlfriend to him and that it didn't end because of me. Maybe it did to him. Who knows.

 

Happy Monday

[Vivi0476]

He facetimed me last night, but I didn't answer. I think it was by accident because he never ever calls..ever. But why would he call? How can he even call by accident when he's never called by accident ever? I'm just convinced he's playing mind games with me. He wants me to react. He wants me to ask if he called by accident. But he doesn't want me.

 

I have stopped counting the NC days...it helps not to because each day is getting easier. I get sad. I feel numb. But I'm accepting it more and more every day. Last week when he reached out by text..gave me a bit of hope. I thought maybe he stopped seeing the other girl. However, on his mom's facebook page...she has pics of the new girl in their family pics, so it made me realize he was still seeing her, and that he reached out for no reason to me. It's ok, though. I'm beginning to get used to the idea and thoughts of him being with someone else. It gets me down sometimes, as expected....but it's getting easier. Valentine's day is tomorrow...I was dreading this day all the way because I knew he'd spend it with her and because of all the memories of v-day with him last year. But I think I'll be fine. I hope. If not, it's okay.

 

I'm trying to love myself more. I'm trying to have more positive thoughts, instead of just always thinking of him negatively and dwelling on the past. I am realizing more and more that I was a great girlfriend to him and that it didn't end because of me. Maybe it did to him. Who knows.

 

Happy Monday

 

He's totes messing with your head. Is there a way to block all incoming communication from him?

[Vivi0476]

I live in a tiny mountain community and today someone I haven't seen in a very long time saw me and said "Hey I'm so sorry about your split." I asked how he knew and he said someones name that I don't even know. What the French?! I'm the gossip topic of town? Lovely. I HATE being the center of attention. I was having a GOOD day and now I'm crying again. ...does this ever end?

[lovelyworld]

I live in a tiny mountain community and today someone I haven't seen in a very long time saw me and said "Hey I'm so sorry about your split." I asked how he knew and he said someones name that I don't even know. What the French?! I'm the gossip topic of town? Lovely. I HATE being the center of attention. I was having a GOOD day and now I'm crying again. ...does this ever end?

 

Heyy...you're not the gossip topic in town. Small communities know and find out about everything, but doesn't mean anything, really. Don't let it get to you. You were in a marriage with your ex, right? It's not an easy thing to go through, it's not a typical break-up. I'm sorry your good day was ruined. I have had sooo many good days ruined because of my thoughts and feelings about my ex. I was feeling strong earlier, now I feel semi-okay. I'm sure I'll feel better later. I'll probably cry tomorrow, and smile the next day. I'm getting used to this roller coaster, but we are just letting out our leftover emotions until we can have consistent good days. I can't wait until we do.

Feel better vivi

[Vivi0476]

I'm so over posting today...let me apologize in advance. He moved in with Grandma Barfly and I just assumed she was taking care of him so I removed him from the insurance. I can't afford his insurance plus mine and he's not helping me. So I get a phone call and its him and I'm dreading picking it up, turns out he laid that pretty motorcycle down avoiding hitting a dog. He calls to make a claim only to be told the only bike on the policy was mine. So he's screaming at me at the top of his lungs about how I'm trying to screw him over. I'm not. I'm just trying to protect myself. I have the burdens of this entire household laid on me. Not only am I doing hair but I'm driving fir uber for extra money so I'm not house poor.

 

I regret answering and I've since blocked his number. But it reminded me what a terrible person he is. He just expected that I pay his insurance and he was going to make a claim on my policy without my knowledge! He attempted to skirt me! Then he calls like an entitled little brat to scream about how furious he is and that I'm trying to screw him over. I needed this reminder of who he really is. I needed to be reminded that his new lifestyle is not conducive to a productive marriage. That it was broken the night he curled up his fist and knocked me out.

 

He's her problem now. I feel like I just shed 190lbs of baggage. I needed to feel this anger. I needed to stop romanticizing our marriage. It was good for 2 years, awful for 4.

 

Will this anger stay? Am I finally free of him?

[ShatteredMan]

I desperately want to be finished with this guy. There's no way to make it quicker though is there?

 

You have to stop counting the days. You have to forgive yourself. You have to do something everyday to make yourself better for you and those that truly love you today and those that will love you tomorrow.

 

I haven't read all your posts and you've probably seen some of mine and my story.

 

Time and distance are the initial keys to getting through this. Then you need to surround yourself with those who truly add value to your life as much as possible.

 

I started going back to church but that was a decision for me. It gives me peace, hope and direction. But that is for me. I'm not here to preach, convert, judge or condemn.....it's just something that helped when I fell to pieces and came apart.

 

If that isn't your thing, then find some physical activity that you can do for 30-40 minutes where you can be alone with your thoughts and emotions.....and let them out! It's okay....

 

Therapy is helpful too. I've really taken a good hard look at myself, my life, my choices, my family and my future through it. I couldn't see or think straight when I started. Now, I know why I've done what I've done.

 

If you need it, go for it. Don't use your friends or family. Get a professional.

 

You don't want the quick way through this. You want to build yourself back up, lean something about how strong you are and what you can endure.

 

Otherwise, how will you have grown from this pain? I'm twice the man I was before I went through this. I would not trade the pain, the lessons learned or the growth I've made for anything or to have her back.

 

You keep your head up and make yourself into something your ex never deserved or will ever get to experience in their little lives due to the choices they've made to discard you.

[katara42]

I'm so over posting today...let me apologize in advance. He moved in with Grandma Barfly and I just assumed she was taking care of him so I removed him from the insurance. I can't afford his insurance plus mine and he's not helping me. So I get a phone call and its him and I'm dreading picking it up, turns out he laid that pretty motorcycle down avoiding hitting a dog. He calls to make a claim only to be told the only bike on the policy was mine. So he's screaming at me at the top of his lungs about how I'm trying to screw him over. I'm not. I'm just trying to protect myself. I have the burdens of this entire household laid on me. Not only am I doing hair but I'm driving fir uber for extra money so I'm not house poor.

 

I regret answering and I've since blocked his number. But it reminded me what a terrible person he is. He just expected that I pay his insurance and he was going to make a claim on my policy without my knowledge! He attempted to skirt me! Then he calls like an entitled little brat to scream about how furious he is and that I'm trying to screw him over. I needed this reminder of who he really is. I needed to be reminded that his new lifestyle is not conducive to a productive marriage. That it was broken the night he curled up his fist and knocked me out.

 

He's her problem now. I feel like I just shed 190lbs of baggage. I needed to feel this anger. I needed to stop romanticizing our marriage. It was good for 2 years, awful for 4.

 

Will this anger stay? Am I finally free of him?

Oh vivi

 

If the only upside is seeing the horrible person he is, then I'm happy for that. He's awful. But it breaks my heart when such an awful person upsets you. You! For what? Why should you be paying his insurance? He walked out of your life. Ugh. He needs to give his head a shake. Seriously he is bat spit crazy. I'm sorry this is happening. Huge wave of positive thoughts coming your way xo

[Vivi0476]

Oh vivi

 

If the only upside is seeing the horrible person he is, then I'm happy for that. He's awful. But it breaks my heart when such an awful person upsets you. You! For what? Why should you be paying his insurance? He walked out of your life. Ugh. He needs to give his head a shake. Seriously he is bat spit crazy. I'm sorry this is happening. Huge wave of positive thoughts coming your way xo

Thank you for the positive thoughts. Apparently he tore his rotator cuff in a bar fight a week ago, now he wrecked his bike, he couldn't call the police bc he's supposed to have an interlocken on any car he drives. This man is making bad decision after bad decision after bad decision, but he's blaming everyone else around him and I'm the easiest I guess.

[katara42]

Thank you for the positive thoughts. Apparently he tore his rotator cuff in a bar fight a week ago, now he wrecked his bike, he couldn't call the police bc he's supposed to have an interlocken on any car he drives. This man is making bad decision after bad decision after bad decision, but he's blaming everyone else around him and I'm the easiest I guess.

As much as it hurts, and sucks, and is a horrible experience... Doesn't a little shot of that side of life just refresh the whole breakup experience? Are you happy that part of him isn't in your life anymore?

 

I know it isn't that straightforward, of course we miss things about them, but not that. Not the chaos. Not the drama. Not the blame. We have to take our plusses where we can find them.

[Vivi0476]

As much as it hurts, and sucks, and is a horrible experience... Doesn't a little shot of that side of life just refresh the whole breakup experience? Are you happy that part of him isn't in your life anymore?

 

I know it isn't that straightforward, of course we miss things about them, but not that. Not the chaos. Not the drama. Not the blame. We have to take our plusses where we can find them.

Yes, I keep thinking "Good luck Grandma Barfly. You'll see his true colors the minute he doesn't need you anymore."

[ShatteredMan]

Yes, I keep thinking "Good luck Grandma Barfly. You'll see his true colors the minute he doesn't need you anymore."

 

And you know this.

[Vivi0476]

I took shatteredmans advice and I'm going to stop with the counting. Besides I answered the phone yesterday so I'd have to start over.

 

I had a friend do a little reiki work on me yesterday too. Now I don't usually believe in stuff like this but my energy today is through the roof and I give 0 effs about this dude today. My house is SPOTLESS (I let it go when I found out about ole Grandma Barfly) so I've been coming home to a messy house which made my mood and depression worse. So sitting in my lovely house now is only bettering my mood.

 

Oh and I wanted a bird 🐦 so I picked up a sweet little baby parakeet yesterday and he sings his heart out when I talk to him. He steps up on my hand when I present it. Sweetest little thing ever. But he needs a name.

 

I'm going to stay here and log for a while though I'm not counting. I'll use this as a journal.

[GeekLover]

Oh and I wanted a bird so I picked up a sweet little baby parakeet yesterday and he sings his heart out when I talk to him. He steps up on my hand when I present it. Sweetest little thing ever. But he needs a name.I'.

 

Novus-Latin for "new"

[Vivi0476]

Novus-Latin for "new"

Beautiful!

[lovelyworld]

I need to vent lol.

 

So I woke up to a "happy valentine's day" text from my ex. I laughed because it was just funny. I said thank you and wished him the same...then he was being friendly, sending kissy emojis and asking what I'm doing. I feel like he was checking to see if I was going to be busy on Valentine's..idk. He was telling me his work schedule for the week, but I was just friendly/indifferent. He then asked if we could set up a lunch date for this week....and I replied "lol we'll see". The old me would have jumped up and down and probably scheduled it for the next day. So he was shocked when I replied like that lol.

 

I still love him. But I honestly believe I can live without him. He's so stubborn, so him initiating means something. Him asking to meet also means something.

Ok so it's valentine's....this whole time I thought he was seeing someone...and I think he still is. Idk how serious it is. But I think he's hiding it from me...

I want to meet him again and see....but idk. I want to know if he has a gf or not, I want to know...I want it to be straightforward. Why would he be hiding it from me if he pushed me away before? What is his intention in wanting to see me?

 

I know he wouldn't see me at all or even text if he didn't mean anything, I know him. When he doesn't care, he doesn't care.

But do you think I should ask what his intentions are? Maybe to him, it's just a simple lunch. And honestly, I'm not expecting anything to happen when I see him...but I still do not want to see him if he is seeing someone else.

 

Howeverrrr, I don't want to let him know I feel this way. It's amazing he thinks I feel indifferent and that I don't care.

 

Idk what to do, I guess. I want to see him because I still have feelings but....idk idk. Does anyone have advice?

 

Valentine's has been nice though! I'm about to go exercise now...maybe then go get donuts from krispy kreme since they're heart shaped, haha.

[lovelyworld]

Part of me wants to blow up on him and ask him everything..."why did you text happy valentine's if you're seeing someone else?? why are you texting period?? why do you wanna see each other? what do you want? don't text me if you're just playing, don't text me if you don't care at all still"

 

but I'm not. I'm not going to react....I've reacted soo many times before that I never felt better in the end. I think he feels better when I react. But when I'm calm and friendly and indifferent, even if he disappoints me, I know I don't regret the way I've acted. So I have all of these questions but I'm holding them in.