NC log - a place to vent

[katara42]

Day 7 - geez I made it a whole week without trying to get a rise out of him or some answers. I know that's too much to ask.

 

While I've only been NC for 7 days he's been gone a whole month today. Its been a whole month since he decided to ball up his fist and right hook me, and ram my car into a boulder with me in it. I'm sorry I keep reliving that here but it helps me remember and keeps my anger 🔥 fiery hot. I don't want him! I don't. I want to have never met him. Here's to 1 month with him gone and 1 week with NC.

Congratulations on a whole week!

 

I was thinking of you yesterday, I was reading an article about when abusers disappear. And although survivors are fortunate in a sense (thinking long term) because the crazy @ss leaves them alone (compared to other less enviable scenarios), the pain is breathtaking, situation is confusing, just horrible. I'd never heard of something like that happening before, but it happens. And it is so cruel. I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

I liked what you said a few posts ago about scheduling in stuff like showers. It reminded me of a beautiful post I read on here about treating yourself like a patient. Yes you have to get up. Yes you have to get dressed. Here's your meal. Let's get out for a walk.

 

I'm chugging along. Definitely normal feeling days with pockets of blah. Every once in a while a memory will bring tears to my eyes, but it passes. I'm resentful of how he tricked and treated me but that's about it. Ego bruised. I'm not debilitated at work. I'm not losing time to ennui. I'm eating well, stopped drinking for a while, almost quit smoking (1 / day during the week, 3 on weekends). I'm seeing friends, and have 2 little weekend trips planned with friends over the next little while (which is a huge step up from not wanting to leave my house). I am feeling overall pretty good.

 

Caveat is that I went thru this breakup twice. So for time reference it's like 5 months broken up with a relapse for a few weeks, and now 6 weeks NC.

[ShatteredMan]

Shatterman, reading this explains everything I'm going through. I got a promotion at work but idk if i can take it since my anxiety is really bad. This is day 11 of no contact. I broke down at work during lunch. Ugh i miss her

Damn right you got that promotion!!! You can take it and you're going to throw everything you got at your new scope of responsibility!!!

 

You're going to continue to have breakdowns for a while. I did. Certain songs would trigger anxiety attacks. Going to certain places (that we used to frequent) made me feel uncomfortable.

 

This is normal. I read somewhere that a bad breakup and its downstream effects have similar physical manifestations as a drug addict going cold turkey.

 

What's really funny is that I swore off coffee the day after I saw my ex bring home the new guy for the first time. As a result, I lost 30lbs from not drinking 3 cups of sugar/creamer laced coffee over three months.....LOL. Now I have to get smaller pants!!!

 

Angieee: You EARNED that promotion. You let your ex "win/retain power over you" by not getting control of your emotions while they're trying to tear your mind and heart to pieces.....especially when you need to maintain composure. Sometimes you'll win this battle. Sometimes you won't. Through repetition of dealing with triggers that fire off your emotions, you will learn to control them and this is the first step toward getting your "emotional strength back"

[Vivi0476]

Faaaaaarrrrrkkkk....so of course he contacted me today. Always about money. Figuring out the financial side of a divorce sux. I kept it all business tho. Nothing personal "yes I took you off the insurance. No you may not borrow money from me till your unemployment comes in. The information for your registration is with the DMV not me. K bye."

[katara42]

Faaaaaarrrrrkkkk....so of course he contacted me today. Always about money. Figuring out the financial side of a divorce sux. I kept it all business tho. Nothing personal "yes I took you off the insurance. No you may not borrow money from me till your unemployment comes in. The information for your registration is with the DMV not me. K bye."

Yuck. Sounds like you handled it like a champ. If you have a roller coaster after, try to ride it out. Setbacks got less intense if I didn't engage, but I still had them. Hugs.

[Vivi0476]

Yuck. Sounds like you handled it like a champ. If you have a roller coaster after, try to ride it out. Setbacks got less intense if I didn't engage, but I still had them. Hugs.

It was still weird. I mean I'm not stupid enough to think he contacted me for anything else other than money. Its stupid. I hope it doesn't set me back but I won't know till I go home, closethe door, and its silent.

[Vivi0476]

Day 8 - you were right about a setback katara. I laid in bed and cried over stupid stuff. Not him, consciously, but I'm pretty sure he was the underlying cause. I woke up with a headache from crying myself to sleep. I wonder if he has setbacks after talking to me? His mother text me to check on me. I feel like I might need to cut his family off...as much as they love me, they're not my family so to speak. Just till I'm over him.

[Angieeee]

Today is day 13 of no contact. I woke up feeling better. I still think of her from time to time but I just want to heal. Last night I finally was able to enjoy a movie without it reminding me of her.

 

I'm still holding on to a trickle of hope that she will contact me but I have downloaded a few dating sites to keep my mind occupied.

[Angieeee]

Hi Vivi0476

I cried myself to sleep the other night. Sometimes its good to let all the emotions out and cry. Today I feel much better. I'm tired of hurting and now I have to learn to be happy without her.

[katara42]

Day 8 - you were right about a setback katara. I laid in bed and cried over stupid stuff. Not him, consciously, but I'm pretty sure he was the underlying cause. I woke up with a headache from crying myself to sleep. I wonder if he has setbacks after talking to me? His mother text me to check on me. I feel like I might need to cut his family off...as much as they love me, they're not my family so to speak. Just till I'm over him.

Oh hugs. It's not fair. For me the setbacks got less severe and I hope it will be the same for you. So much support. Be kind to yourself

[katara42]

Today is day 13 of no contact. I woke up feeling better. I still think of her from time to time but I just want to heal. Last night I finally was able to enjoy a movie without it reminding me of her.

 

I'm still holding on to a trickle of hope that she will contact me but I have downloaded a few dating sites to keep my mind occupied.

 

Sounds promising - it is in the little things for me, like realizing that you enjoyed a movie without her. Congrats on day 13.

[jdann]

Ive been on NC for over a month now, got a text from her saying she has a new BF I posted it on my thread I dont know what to say even though I have already found out before

[Angieeee]

Sounds promising - it is in the little things for me, like realizing that you enjoyed a movie without her. Congrats on day 13.

 

 

Thank you Katara. Idk if you seen the movie 500!days of summer? Well my ex gf watched that movie the entire week before she broke off with me and a day after too. Idk if that helped her make the decision but i dont want to overanalyze

[Angieeee]

Ive been on NC for over a month now, got a text from her saying she has a new BF I posted it on my thread I dont know what to say even though I have already found out before

 

Its probably just a rebound. I wouldnt respond. Thats ed up!

[jdann]

Its probably just a rebound. I wouldnt respond. Thats ed up!

 

I messed up and did just said I knew and hope shes happy thats it, she responding saying who told me and I am now ignoring it. Its funny as its also a flat mate from her Uni thats shes only known for a few months and he also broke up with his GF so they could be togther. Lol !

[Angieeee]

I messed up and did just said I knew and hope shes happy thats it, she responding saying who told me and I am now ignoring it. Its funny as its also a flat mate from her Uni thats shes only known for a few months and he also broke up with his GF so they could be togther. Lol !

 

Seems to me she is trying to make you jealous. Yeah, ignore her from now on. Its hard to do but i wish I would have started the no contact when my gf first dumped me in July 2016. However i was doing LC. She just lead me on to believe we were going to get back together and ended up ending it for good this month.

[katara42]

I found a journal I wrote between Nov 2015 and Mar 2016. I had had a private journal on my computer that he made me delete.

 

Reading the words of hurt and pain and anguish was shocking. I understand who he is now, and as I described events that happened, that left me so confused, it was so textbook. He did everything just like every website described. I cried a little. It was devestationg to read that, the evidence of just what a fool I was.

 

I'm stronger now, wise to him. But ugh cringe omg!! What a waste of time.

[katara42]

Funny. Guess who tried to contact me yesterday! Msg about since we're supposed to be friends why don't I come over for a visit.

 

I know this msg has nothing to do with me and everything to do with who he is trying to punish now. Easily ignored.

[Vivi0476]

Funny. Guess who tried to contact me yesterday! Msg about since we're supposed to be friends why don't I come over for a visit.

 

I know this msg has nothing to do with me and everything to do with who he is trying to punish now. Easily ignored.

What a transparent message! Geez. Good on you for staying so strong.

[Vivi0476]

Day 9 - every day I feel a layer of him pulled off me. It hurts, then it feels free, then I heal and prepare the next layer. Throwing out his stuff, our pictures, selling his tools, throwing out his clothes etc.

 

I had like a 3 hour gap between clients yesterday and I caught a glimpse of myself in my mirror, and I thought "why is my hair this color STILL? I'm a hairstylist. I should have something that suits me more". I realized I hadn't changed my hair in 6 years. Because he liked my long red hair. It was all about him and what he wanted. That's my fault for letting him run me. So here I sit with a new black cherry hair color. Yay! Then I made an appt to cover the tattoo I got on our wedding day. I'm slowly erasing him and his influence on me. I'm taking my power back. One layer at a time.

[katara42]

Day 9 - every day I feel a layer of him pulled off me. It hurts, then it feels free, then I heal and prepare the next layer. Throwing out his stuff, our pictures, selling his tools, throwing out his clothes etc.

 

I had like a 3 hour gap between clients yesterday and I caught a glimpse of myself in my mirror, and I thought "why is my hair this color STILL? I'm a hairstylist. I should have something that suits me more". I realized I hadn't changed my hair in 6 years. Because he liked my long red hair. It was all about him and what he wanted. That's my fault for letting him run me. So here I sit with a new black cherry hair color. Yay! Then I made an appt to cover the tattoo I got on our wedding day. I'm slowly erasing him and his influence on me. I'm taking my power back. One layer at a time.

Oh layers - that's exactly how it feels! Good for you. I've been going thru papers and clutter and I keep finding letters I wrote, copies of emails I sent, and it's all the same bs.

 

Are you happy with your updated look? Getting my hair done always makes me feel super. So proud of you cause I have an idea of how hard it is for you. Hope it's getting easier fast.

[Vivi0476]

Oh layers - that's exactly how it feels! Good for you. I've been going thru papers and clutter and I keep finding letters I wrote, copies of emails I sent, and it's all the same bs.

 

Are you happy with your updated look? Getting my hair done always makes me feel super. So proud of you cause I have an idea of how hard it is for you. Hope it's getting easier fast.

I am happy with it. I've always done my hair very 40s/50s style. I guess I still am but with new color. Best part is, I know he'd hate it if he saw it....even if he loved it, he wouldn't admit it. Because it wasn't his idea.

[Vivi0476]

Day 10 - I slept really good last night. I realized something a couple of days ago...even if we WANTED to be together again we couldn't. Too much time has passed and our lives (even just 5 weeks later) have gone in such different directions there's no way to consolidate our new lives. I wouldn't want to give up all my new hopes and dreams to have his grumpy bum sitting on the sofa with his face in his phone.

 

I put down a 25% deposit for a trip to France in the Summer (alone) to go heal myself. Leaving the country has always fixed my heart and straightened me out in the past. I'll continue to outgrow him. Growing pains hurt, but they also feel liberating.

[katara42]

Day 46. I counted.

 

I wish my phone could truly block texts without adding a third party app. Then I wouldn't see these stupid messages. I'm not notified when they come in, they sit in another folder. But of course I check the folder. He usually doesn't message, this is maybe the third time?

 

My reactions are much duller - annoyance mostly. Annoyance that he thinks so little of me that he expected such a small effort to be successful. It's really insulting. But because it is about someone else (my theory, I don't know anything about his life or if he is seeing anyone - he is good at keeping these things secret anyways so I'd never find out if I tried) I'm also annoyed that he would try to drag me into it and do to someone what I hated being done to me. That is, if I ever dared speak about my expectations or wants in a relationship, he would cut me out and hang out with his other girls (again, my theory - I only knew about a few times, and he always stated it was with "friends").

 

So I used my energy to continue on my konmari quest - the decluttering. It is such a good headspace to be in. I was going through papers all day yesterday, and I kept finding the odd letter, email, and little journal entries. It was chilling to re-read these with the working understanding I have now. And yes I'm angry at myself for buying into the bs for so long, for letting this happen. I kept thinking it was going to be ok if only... However, he has been doing this his whole life, and I just didn't know. I will accept what I did, but that does not mean taking the "blame" for everything. He's a bad dude. He's especially worse if you're the main girl, the one that he uses all the others "against". I'm not explaining it well, but basically if you're a side girl it's all fun and games, fwb. I knew about the side girls because he always pushed them in my face, but he would be deceptive about hanging out with them and then would deny anything bad was going on. He always said they were friends and that I was the one with the problem. It was crazy making. And now, he wants to turn me into a side girl. He wants to use me against someone else (my theory, I have no proof, but I'm pretty sure it's right).

 

If he had really wanted to hang out as friends, he could have arranged a coffee some afternoon in public. Not some lame "come over tonight for coffee" text. I have no interest in fwb. I have no interest in stds. We work for the same company. I have no interest in being played against someone that I don't even know about who I might have to reprimand - and she'll think it's personal when I don't even know about her.

 

There's been no follow up. It's a little hurtful because I still hope that I'm wrong. Unfortunately, he is acting in an absolutely stereotypically way, and that is all I have to base these theories on. The hardest part is that I will never know if I am "right" or "wrong" about it all. So the only option left is to not give a crap if I am right or wrong. That's not important. The important thing is that so far, he has not demonstrated a desire to be in a relationship with only me, and thanks to finding these old writings of mine, I can see how far back that went, and I can see the patterns that all the websites say are there. Confirmation bias? Maybe. Again, I'll never know. The only thing I know is that he doesn't want to be with me in the kind of relationship I want, and I truly believe he is not capable of it in any way.

 

So a mini set-back I suppose. Reactions are more a 5/10 than the 10/10 they used to be. Maybe less than 5. Just annoyance, then sadness that the hope was just a dream.

[Angieeee]

Today is day 15 of no contact. Yes, I feel better but I need to feel content being alone. Its only when I'm surrounded by friends or family that I feel better. Today I''m going to order a guitar. I always wanted to learn to how to play it. These past weeks my ex gf only liked a fb post and she still checks my ig stories. I think I need to block her on all my social media 😔

[katara42]

Today is day 15 of no contact. Yes, I feel better but I need to feel content being alone. Its only when I'm surrounded by friends or family that I feel better. Today I''m going to order a guitar. I always wanted to learn to how to play it. These past weeks my ex gf only liked a fb post and she still checks my ig stories. I think I need to block her on all my social media 😔

 

Guitar! That's cool. Will you take lessons or YouTube?

 

I am a big fan of blocking, my ex is blocked everywhere except for work email (we work for same company) and text (my phone doesn't block, only archives). I might have to look into getting a text blocking 3rd party app because it really does set me back to hear from him, albeit less and less.

 

If it sets you back, if you find yourself checking, or concerned with her social media, blocking might be best.