How do you hold the urge to call someone you still like but is no good for you?

[Lovelavie]

My ex and I broke up about 7 months ago, and I've only been "serious" with one other guy after that, the other ones were only hook ups or didn't last more than 2 dates. He was the only guy I liked after my ex, we had this really huge connection but our relationship was really toxic. It started with him wanting to be in a relationship with me when we barely knew each other and I had just gotten out of my relationship with my ex, so the last thing I wanted was to get into another one. But then my feelings started to develop. After 3 months together he told me he was having a child with another woman (he had gone out with her 2 months before we met) and he knew the whole time but kept it from me because he thought I would leave him. The thing is, I was already in love with him at that point and couldn't decide whether to leave him or not, had he told me before I would've left so I wouldn't have to deal with all that headache. I got really upset and we started getting into fights about it. He also has another child with another woman and he is only 26. They were both "accidents" and he was never romantically involved with any of them. Also, we've always had fights, he had a temper and was also very proud, so he would put a barrier between us every time we had an argument.

 

We broke up a lot of times, in resume, our relationship was not healthy but we still had this "thing" for each other and also our sex was really great, we connected on another level more than "just sex"... After so many fights and his mean attitudes towards me, we decided to break up for good. This was a month ago and we haven't spoken ever since. Thing is, I always think about him. I'm not sad or anything, in fact I'm happy with my life, I have good friends, I go out every weekend, but I just don't see myself falling in love again... I don't even think I want to at the moment, only if I meet someone really amazing. But this guy, he's always there on the back of my mind. At some points it gets unbearable that I just wanna call him and ask him how he is or text him. But I hold myself, but it's starting to consume me, I always feel like we're gonna be together someday again but I know that's highly unlikely and also I know he's not the one for me... But I just miss being with him and spending the night and watching movies. I miss HIM and not actually having someone because I'm doing just fine single and I don't feel like I "need" anyone.

 

What should I do? Should I call him just to ask how he is or should I continue to hold this urge until it passes? Because it feels like it never goes away, it's already been a month and a week!

[IAmFCA]

If you struggle to stop contacting, I suggest you indulge that impulse.... except text yourself instead. You have to break the addiction.

[gebaird]

A friend of mine was in an on again/off again relationship for a year and a half. When she was together with her toxic boyfriend, she experienced the good along with the bad. Eventually her resentment would build and she would leave him, but then the negative feelings would dissipate and she would start missing the good times, so she would go back. You may be experiencing something similar. You've been away from him long enough that your resentment has died down a bit, but if you go back you'll just feel resentful again and leave.

 

You did the right thing by posting here instead of calling him. Any time you feel the urge, write here instead -- it will help you. A month and a week isn't NEARLY enough to get this toxicity out of your system.

[Hollyj]

What would you expect to be different?

[boltnrun]

He has two children with two women who are not you.

 

He's apparently very irresponsible with birth control and apparently does not use condoms, even with one night or casual encounters...which means he may not be healthy.

 

Being with him would mean putting your health at risk. Also, he's obligated to pay child support for two children.

 

Is the great sex worth dealing with all this?

[Lovelavie]

Thank you for the replies! It certainly made me feel better.

 

I just feel like this sometimes because he was the only guy I actually felt something towards after my break up. All the other guys I just feel nothing. I don't even get butterflies, I'm just numbed out to all the guys I go out with or meet so I keep thinking about him and how hard it is to find someone you connect with. I hope as time goes by this feeling goes away. Somedays I don't even think about him but somedays it's just unbearable to the point where I'm looking at his number and hold myself not to call or text. Then I remind myself of all the hell he put me through and I let it go. I just don't understand why I still miss someone who was no good for me, he made me feel sad and I'd cry all the time, but my mind keeps reminding me of the good times. Ugh!

[SooSad33]

Honestly.. I think YOU need to slow down... and No, do not contact him. You're feeling this way because it has only been a few weeks and if you do feel for him, then the feelings aren't going to go away overnight.

 

I feel you moved on from one guy.. to another, etc... a little too fast, with reading that you broke up with a prior ex only 7 months ago.

 

Yes- for sure take a breather from dating! You need to accept & heal from this hustling about over the last year... and get yourself back together.. mentally & emotionally.

 

How about at least 6+ months.. on your own.. see how things are for you then.

 

And do not give in to this guy, again. You NEED your time on your own for a while.

 

Keep going.

[Ms Darcy]

Have you ever made the connection between the childhood abuse you've gone through and your attraction to bad/toxic relationships.

[Wiseman2]

Do you think the thrill of the bad-boy types provides you with the intensity you need to cancel out hurt and issues from the breakup?

I just feel like this sometimes because he was the only guy I actually felt something towards after my break up. I'm just numbed out to all the guys I go out with or meet so I keep thinking about him and how hard it is to find someone you connect with.

[IAmFCA]

Sometimes the push /pull attachments give us stimulation

 

Also, sometimes we fear closeness and want it at the same time, so that we sort of like the person who pushes us away but maintains some sort of engagement

[katrina1980]

Sometimes the push /pull attachments give us stimulation

 

Also, sometimes we fear closeness and want it at the same time, so that we sort of like the person who pushes us away but maintains some sort of engagement

 

Oh man agree with everything you've said ITIC, your other post too!

 

Was actually gonna post the very same things, including indulging the impulse to contact via text or email (don't call) (I've done it and it HAS given me closure, especially when they don't respond!).

 

Forcing yourself to not contact when you really want to, serves no good purpose IMHO, it just eats at you and makes you think about him more and miss him more... as you are now realizing.

 

Like I said, even if he ignores, that is actually a good thing. Because then you know HE has moved on which makes it easier for YOU to move on.

 

If he does respond, then keep it light and friendly. No reminiscing or talking about RL. Casual, funny, light. No getting together or talking about getting back together.

 

It will eventually fade out.... but only when it's meant to. You can't force it.

 

I know this goes against every rule in the book about "no contact".... but it has ALWAYS worked well for me.. and even others I know.