Timing for Dates

[akrngrl]

Usually when there's that much back and forth it means the other person is simply trying to figure out which "option" they have on their end to go with. But they have kind of a hoarder mentality, so they'll try to keep everyone on the line until they decide. And it's rude and does not bode well for the kind of person they are, because if he can't even plan one date even on the day he's home, what on earth makes you think he'd be able to plan having a life together?

 

I worked weird schedules, I worked on-call 24/7 schedules. When I wanted to see someone, I made firm plans and kept to them even yes if it meant I went without a bit of sleep. When I wanted to see someone or go on that date, I would make it happen.

 

Wishy-washy is not acceptable, ever for any reason, and it will drive you crazy. And yes, it happens a lot in online dating. It's not a sign of the times, it's a sign that there are people who just are lonely and want someone to talk to or maybe they're catfishing you or maybe they have a girlfriend or wife they can't get rid of or some other reason for never making concrete plans with you to meet them in person, but they still want someone to chat with online.

 

My hard fast rule used to be a) if they seem wishy-washy and have a crazy schedule it's probably always going to be that way, so next or b) if they kept trying to talk to me, but within a week to two weeks they couldn't line it up I was wasting my time. And I'd then block and delete them after sending a text that said something like, "I don't really enjoy electronic conversations. I want real-life dates and so this isn't going to work out, goodbye."

 

And I would move on. And yes, you will get a lot of flakes and timewasters, especially with online dating as it seems to be sort of a magnet for people who want some contact, but don't want it to be live in-date contact. That's just kind of how it is and you need to develop really strong boundaries to find the ones who do want what you want. And take it from there.

 

This doesn't mean I am never spontaneous. It does mean if someone is a stranger to me and we're on a dating site with the express purpose of dating, which means in person, then for me it was a waste of time if that wasn't going to happen within a week to two-week absolute max time. Because I wasn't on there to do text chatting all day long, for sure. It's a manners thing, they either want to ask you out and they ask or you ask them out, and then you both figure out when and where to meet and then you go on that date.

 

Also keep the electronic contact to a minimum and if they want to take a long time chatting with you online just be too busy. You can tell them something like, "I don't really have a lot of time to do this online, we can talk more about that if we meet in person, so when are you available and would you like to go out?." And you kind of keep to that as well, because long hours of texting or chatting or whatever also build up a false sense of intimacy and hope that will make you tend to excuse you things you wouldn't normally.

 

I would have been done with this fellow by now. Blocked, deleted, and moved on. The way to do online dating is to have multiple options and whoever is available to date you and willing to make plans gets to the head of the line, the others get shed quickly to go waste someone else's time. And you hold to that pattern, brutal as that may sound, because otherwise you can end up wasting weeks and months or worse tied up with someone you never meet and are convinced is the love of your life when the truth is you don't even know if they are who they say they are.

 

This all just kind of goes with the territory of dating total strangers, sorry. You have to develop your own boundaries and standards and stick by those, because there will always be that person who talks a great game, but can't do anything beyond that. All hat and no cattle is the expression in my neck of the woods.

 

I feel that as well or at the very least they have a lack of initiative. I don't mind planning dates, but as someone said earlier, I like for the guy to take initiative in the beginning. Not to say that I won't ever, but I think it's a pretty telling way to gauge interest.

 

I guess I grapple mostly on the fine line of wanting to see effort and initiative and also realizing they're a total stranger who doesn't actually owe me anything. Common courtesy does go a long way with me though.

 

Thank you for your input

[sd95]

I was wondering what everyone's thoughts were on "last minute" date plans or tentative plans that aren't confirmed until last minute.

 

I'm a planner by nature and I feel like anything less is disrespectful of my time. I also think planning in advance shows a little intention. Usually I want to know by Wednesday/Thursday if I have Saturday plans (a date, friends I'm more flexible with) so I can figure out my weekend.

 

The dating pool now, or by me just doesn't seem to favor this and I've been hearing a lot lately that passing up a last minute date (a good date defined by legitimate plans outside of either home and not just a "hang out") could mean you're missing out on a great opportunity.

 

For example, I've been talking to this gentleman who I know has a weird schedule so I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt, but still. We were hoping he'd be off earlier in the week, and initially he told me mid week he'd have a better idea of his schedule. Mid week I check in and he has no real idea and makes an offhanded comment that I "really like to plan". He's called and we've texted and yesterday he tells me he knows for sure he'll be off today and that he definitely wants to see me, but doesn't actually try to start putting something together.

 

I checked in a few hours later and we were looking for the halfway point for a meet up and he said "okay I'll have to think of some places" and that he'd be home in an hour. Thought that meant he'd text me when he got home and found a place, but he never did. So now I'm wondering if I should still accept a date for today if I do hear from him or just politely decline and say other plans came up since I didn't hear from him soon enough.

 

Normally I'd write this off since there are no confirmed plans and despite him saying he's definitely wanted to meet me (more than once) he hasn't initiated the actual steps to set it up. He's like the twentieth or so guy to do this though so I'm wondering if I need to change my approach or ease up the reigns.

 

How do you/did you deal with these types of up in the air or last minute plans? Disrespectful time waster or willing to go along with it if you're available?

 

 

There is no way I would ever see anyone the same day of asking to see me. It has to be atleast 24-48 hours notice

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been messaging? Have you met at all yet? It sounds like he's multi-dating and juggling or catfishing or married or whatever. Stalling to meet isn't about not being unable to plan it's about low priority.

 

Seriously, how hard is finding a date time and place? Once you've met and had a couple dates some spontaneity is fine, but this is simply stalling on meeting and yes those are the time wasters.

despite him saying he's definitely wanted to meet me (more than once) he hasn't initiated the actual steps to set it up.

[JaggerJim]

Sometimes people don't want to actually date as in "go out somewhere" but are more than happy to just come over for sex.

 

Welcome to 2016/2017

[notalady]

My boyfriend is more about being spontaneous than planning ahead for dates and I'm more of a planner. But when we first met, he would always ask me out early (usually at the end of the last date), at least two days ahead (so Thursday for Saturday) if not more. There was never a "do you want to do xyz tomorrow/today?" Even now 1.5 years in, that very rarely happens.

 

Here's the thing. When someone is interested and keen for a date, they will at least do some level of planning to make sure to lock it in ahead of time. So maybe you don't decide on exactly what you'd do on the date ahead of time but the day and time and meeting place are definitely decided ahead of time. So when they don't do that, it can mean one of two things, either they are just self-centred, or they don't care if the date happens because they are not all that interested.

 

I think at the early stage of dating, if someone doesn't do this kind of minimum planning and it feels like pulling teeth for you, then it's a waste of time and you should just walk away. I don't think your expectations are high at all, so hold out for someone who think the same.

[akrngrl]

How long have you been messaging? Have you met at all yet? It sounds like he's multi-dating and juggling or catfishing or married or whatever. Stalling to meet isn't about not being unable to plan it's about low priority.

 

Seriously, how hard is finding a date time and place? Once you've met and had a couple dates some spontaneity is fine, but this is simply stalling on meeting and yes those are the time wasters.

 

I'd say about a week and a half. We don't message too much as I'm not up for a texting buddy, but he's called a few times and when we did touch base it was always to update me on his schedule so it seemed like things were going accordingly.

 

That's how I feel. Not that age is any indicator, but he's old enough and communicated enough what he was looking for that this type of wishy washy is unacceptable.

[katrina1980]

I don't agree with the assumption that if a guy doesn't act according to what a woman *expects* (like planning in advance), it means he isn't keen for her, not into her, not serious about her, etc.

 

My ex (six years together) was very spontaneous, our dates were often last minute, till we moved in together. Not always of course, he (we) planned lots of things in advance too.

 

My current bf is the same for reasons I explained in earlier post.

 

To suggest either of these men weren't (aren't) keen on me because dates were (are) sometimes last minute is unfairly judgmental and wrong.

 

Everyone is different, I think it's up to the two people involved to decide what works for THEM.

 

Believe it or not, I am 100% okay with it, when bf comes to my office in mid to late afternoon and asks if I am free for dinner that night. I have zero issue with that.

 

He also plans lots of stuff in advance too.

 

I think we need to stop judging, we actually have no idea what OP's guy is thinking or feeling!

 

It's all speculation based on what works for each of us, our own expectations and projections.

[Jibralta]

That's how I feel. Not that age is any indicator, but he's old enough and communicated enough what he was looking for that this type of wishy washy is unacceptable.

 

It's one thing to be spontaneous if you've already gotten to know each other, but you haven't even met! Quite a lot of presumption on his part.

[Sportster2005]

I don't agree with the assumption that if a guy doesn't act according to what a woman *expects* (like planning in advance), it means he isn't keen for her, not into her, not serious about her, etc.

 

.

 

It means exactly that. If men don't act interested, they're not interested.

 

There's always exceptions. Your mileage may vary.

 

If I'm into a woman I'm not going to risk blowing it with poor date etiquette.

 

And if I'm trying to setup a date for Saturday, and it's Saturday morning and they still haven't got back to me. .... It's block, delete, see ya

[katrina1980]

It means exactly that. If men don't act interested, they're not interested.

 

There's always exceptions. Your mileage may vary.

 

If I'm into a woman I'm not going to risk blowing it with poor date etiquette.

 

------

 

***And if I'm trying to setup a date for Saturday, and it's Saturday morning and they still haven't got back to me. .... It's block, delete, see ya

 

Fair enough if that works for you, which apparently it does. Far be it for me to judge what works for you.

 

As for me, they did (my ex) and current DOES act interested - very interested.

 

So do I.

 

I would not be dating him (current) if he didn't act interested .... nor would he be dating me if I didn't act interested.

 

My ex and I were in love with each other (which happened quicky)... so our feelings went way beyond mere *interest*.

 

Just to know, I don't make a man wait when trying to set up plans... unless under some special circumstance. And I don't date men I have no interest in.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Listening to someone's busy busy busy schedule is nonsense.

when we did touch base it was always to update me on his schedule

[Zaphod]

I definitely much prefer spontaneously planning things than planning to be spontaneous.

[katrina1980]

I definitely much prefer spontaneously planning things than planning to be spontaneous.

 

Hmmm, "spontaneous planning" versus "planning to be spontaneous."

 

Is that a mind twister? lol

 

If so, you've got me.... will definitely have to think about that one!

[Zaphod]

If I told you that it would be the truth to say that I always lie, would that help? Or not?

[Zaphod]

Seriously though, people do spontaneously plan things and plan to be spontaneous.

 

Ever heard someone say "Let's do something crazy tonight?" - Planning to be spontaneous.

 

"Let's book a holiday" - Spontaneously planning.

 

Point I'm making is planning and being spontaneous are not necessarily seperate entities. Sometimes they intertwine and layer on top of each other. I don't believe that people are either "spontaneous" people or "planning" people. Self-proclaimed, maybe by them, but if you look carefully at the lifestyle of either case, it's always a pretty even mix of the both. In fact, very often you find surprisingly that the opposite almost seems true.

 

Perhaps the claims they make are actually projections of how they would like to be, rather than what they actually are?

[katrina1980]

Seriously though, people do spontaneously plan things and plan to be spontaneous.

 

Ever heard someone say "Let's do something crazy tonight?" - Planning to be spontaneous.

 

"Let's book a holiday" - Spontaneously planning.

 

Point I'm making is planning and being spontaneous are not necessarily seperate entities. Sometimes they intertwine and layer on top of each other. I don't believe that people are either "spontaneous" people or "planning" people. Self-proclaimed, maybe by them, but if you look carefully at the lifestyle of either case, it's always a pretty even mix of the both. In fact, very often you find surprisingly that the opposite almost seems true.

 

Perhaps the claims they make are actually projections of how they would like to be, rather than what they actually are?

 

Oh I definitely agree that it's not either/or (either you're spontaneous OR a planner).

 

I posted that earlier, maybe you missed it?

 

Can't speak for everyone, but I am definitely a mix of BOTH .. for sure!

 

I gave specifics in earlier posts.