How do I broach this conversation?

[MissCanuck]

He never really told you why he disappeared. Being "young and dumb" isn't an explanation. For being such a good friend, he sure took a huge crap on your friendship.

 

I would slow this down. I know you've reconnected, but tread cautiously. You've shown him he doesn't need to do much to blow back into your life. You've said he's coming to visit for the weekend - is he staying with you?

[citricacid]

In my experience those who know they are looking for something more serious make it very clear early on. They don't leave it in the air for you to guess and potentially misinterpret their intentions ( to date with the aim of finding a partner).

 

You've hung out, slept together, and are wondering what he wants. Based on his actions he either doesn't know, or he's fine with casual or whatever may come or not come of spending some time together.

 

If you are worried about getting attached and you want more, slow this all down. Don't be in constant contact. Go on dates, real dates where it's crystal clear that's what it is. Stop getting into bed with him right now, wait til you are more comfortable with knowing.

 

I'd consider it FWB at this point. You sleep together, enjoy time together, but everything else is left unsaid. Actions kind of really say it all.

 

Well when I was with him last week he did take me on real dates. And I'm not sleeping with him, I just did 5-6 years ago. He already has a date planned for Saturday when he's here.

 

I guess there's no way to broach this conversation. Thanks for your input, everyone.

[katrina1980]

I think your approach is all wrong. How can one know if they are looking for a relationship? Maybe he just enjoys your company and just wants to date you. Maybe he's seeing how things go before he takes it to the next level. You want the next level now! He's not there yet. You know what your looking for, but you should just ease up and let him come round to the idea of "a relationship' when he's ready not when you ask straight away. It's the equivalent of walking into a shoe store, and trying on shoes and eying up the ones you want, and trying them on, and the salesman wants an answer straight there "are you buying these or what?"

 

Agree with Jagger, but wanted to clarify something important...which I am sure J meant too.

 

He may be looking for a relationship and tell you that.

 

But at this early stage, he is speaking in the general.

 

He won't know whether or not he wants a relationship with *you" (the OP) until he dates you for awhile and spends time with you, experiences you.

 

Also, a man could actually tell you he wants a relationship with you (and mean it at the time), but then once in it, decide he really doesn't.

 

That is why it's pointless to even ask.

 

One thing I have learned is that dating is a risk. No guarantees. If you are looking for a guarantee that someone will stick around, get a dog. lol.

 

You say you are afraid of getting attached and getting hurt.

 

Welcome to the club, we ALL are. No one is immune to that.

 

But again it is all a risk, if you are not up to taking that risk and possibly getting hurt, then don't date.

 

But think of it this way (I do).

 

So what if you get hurt? Will you die? No course not.

 

What *will* happen is that after crying a few tears, you learn, you grow, you pick yourself up and carry on!

 

Becoming stronger for having the experience.

 

Take a chance. No expectations. No guarantees. No pushing.

 

Just let it happen, naturally, gradually, organically.

 

Dating should be fun, so have fun and enjoy the process... the dance.

 

Good luck!

[katrina1980]

Again, I'm speaking generally, not about whether he wants to commit to me right now. We all know whether we want a relationship or a friends with benefits when we begin dating, we just don't know if we want it with the person we are on a date with.

 

Hey citric... I responded to Jagger J's post before I read this^^.

 

You are spot on girl!

 

Pay attention to his actions and assess what YOU want from that.

 

Relax, have fun and good luck!

[JaggerJim]

Hey citric... I responded to Jagger J's post before I read this^^.

 

You are spot on girl!

 

Pay attention to his actions and assess what YOU want from that.

 

Relax, have fun and good luck!

 

Conduct it like a job interview!

[Wiseman2]

This all sounds good. In fact you Are dating. Try not to avoid the tendency to "pick things up where we left off".

 

Treat this as any new dating/ relationship situation, where you date get (re)acquainted, talk, have fun and then decide what direction it's going.

I'm not sleeping with him, I just did 5-6 years ago. He already has a date planned for Saturday when he's here

[katrina1980]

Conduct it like a job interview!

 

Is that a joke? lol

 

Why would anyone want to treat a romantic date like a job interview? Can you clarify please?

 

I can't think of anything more boring than having my date ask me questions like he was "interviewing" me.

 

And vice versa.

 

Ick.

[JaggerJim]

Is that a joke? lol

 

Why would anyone want to treat a romantic date like a job interview? Can you clarify please?

 

I can't think of anything more boring than having my date ask me questions like he was "interviewing" me.

 

And vice versa.

 

Ick.

 

Lol it was a joke. Sorta.

[katrina1980]

Lol it was a joke. Sorta.

 

LOL, yeah I get it... I think you like to mess with me, tis all.

[JaggerJim]

LOL, yeah I get it... I think you like to mess with me, tis all.

 

But seriously, I think the OP should enjoy the romance without wondering where this is going. That's the part she won't allow herself to do.

[katrina1980]

But seriously, I think the OP should enjoy the romance without wondering where this is going. That's the part she won't allow herself to do.

 

So do I! So we definitely agree on that!

 

That is always my advice. It's what I do and it makes everything so much more fun and spontaneous.

 

Ironically, in my experience, having this^ attitude is more likely to result in a relationship developing rather than if one is fearful, insecure, afraid of getting hurt and focused too much on where it's going.

[JaggerJim]

So do I! So we definitely agree on that!

 

That is always my advice. It's what I do and it makes everything so much more fun and spontaneous.

 

Ironically, in my experience, having this^ attitude is more likely to result in a relationship developing rather than if one is fearful, insecure, afraid of getting hurt and focused too much on where it's going.

 

But I do see where the OP is coming from, she's afraid to get hurt again from before. I'm sure she will handle this correctly.

[katrina1980]

But I do see where the OP is coming from, she's afraid to get hurt again from before. I'm sure she will handle this correctly.

 

I do too.... BUT

 

From a previous post.

 

 

You say you are afraid of getting attached and getting hurt.

 

Welcome to the club, we ALL are. No one is immune to that.

 

But again it is all a risk, if you are not up to taking that risk and possibly getting hurt, then don't date.

 

But think of it this way (I do).

 

So what if you get hurt? Will you die? No course not.

 

What *will* happen is that after crying a few tears, you learn, you grow, you pick yourself up and carry on!

 

Becoming stronger for having the experience.

 

 

I know easier said than done sometimes but it gets easier.

 

Ya know I got hurt a few months back. I wasn't even all that "attached" but I really liked him.

 

When it became clear he didn't feel the same, I walked away.

 

But I was still really hurt; cried a few tears, then I picked myself up, shook that **** off and carried on!

 

Life goes on ya know?

 

I still think about him sometimes.

[lostandhurt]

When he is with you over the weekend just ask him why he contacted you. See what he says. Then if you do not get a clear picture of his intentions say something like "I don't want to misread any signals or anything so I am going to ask you straight out what you are looking for as far as our reconnecting goes"

 

You won't seem clingy or creepy, you will seem like a confidant person that is brave enough to ask.

 

Lost

[reinventmyself]

But I do see where the OP is coming from, she's afraid to get hurt again from before. I'm sure she will handle this correctly.

She is not likely to get hurt if she chooses to not have sex with him without some clarification first.

 

Live in moment, don't get ahead of yourself, watch his actions and adjust accordingly.

 

If at some point he wants to take it to another level, it's at that time you start to ask questions.

 

Asking someone their intentions doesn't mean you're asking for a commitment or something in return.

 

You both have an idea of what you're looking for and either they match or they don't.

 

I don't understand why people are so afraid to ask. I'll ask, but it doesn't necessarily mean I want anything from them in particular.

[katrina1980]

 

I don't understand why people are so afraid to ask. I'll ask, but it doesn't necessarily mean I want anything from them in particular.

 

The reason I don't ask is because I don't see how it serves any real purpose.

 

There are men who are legit looking for a relationship, but after dating a particular woman a few times, realize they don't want one with her.

 

There are men who are NOT looking for a relationship, but after dating a particular woman a few times, realize he DOES want a RL with her.

 

That's what happened with my ex. When we met, he was NOT looking for a RL (he told me this months into our RL).

 

However, after a couple of dates he changed his mind and asked me on our second date to be exclusive and we lasted six years!

 

It's simply impossible to know what the heck we want (with a particular person) without dating them for awhile, spending time with them and getting to know them.

 

It's ALL a big risk. Never any guarantees, no matter what they initially tell you.

 

That's why I don't even bother asking.

 

I gauge their actions and go from there.

[citricacid]

So we had a really great weekend. Due to a family emergency, I ended up back in my hometown. He invited me to go to a function at his friend's house, whom I knew from many years ago. After a few drinks, I overheard him talking (he was a little intoxicated so he thought he was whispering but definitely wasnt, haha) to his friend's father. His friend's father asked him if I was the girl from many years ago, and he responded, "yes, that's her. Except this time, I'm going to treat her the way she deserves; she's perfect for me." The next day (when he and I were alcohol-free), I asked him what he was looking for, and he told me that he knows I'm nervous based on his past actions, but he's going to do everything he can to make sure I know he's serious about dating me this time around. It was sweet, and I now feel a little more comfortable letting my guard down to re-get to know him.

Thanks again for all your advice.

[IAmFCA]

A heart warming vignette. Lovely!

[TiredOfDating]

The reason I don't ask is because I don't see how it serves any real purpose.

 

There are men who are legit looking for a relationship, but after dating a particular woman a few times, realize they don't want one with her.

 

There are men who are NOT looking for a relationship, but after dating a particular woman a few times, realize he DOES want a RL with her.

 

That's what happened with my ex. When we met, he was NOT looking for a RL (he told me this months into our RL).

 

However, after a couple of dates he changed his mind and asked me on our second date to be exclusive and we lasted six years!

 

It's simply impossible to know what the heck we want (with a particular person) without dating them for awhile, spending time with them and getting to know them.

 

It's ALL a big risk. Never any guarantees, no matter what they initially tell you.

 

That's why I don't even bother asking.

 

I gauge their actions and go from there.

 

and sometimes, neither one of you are looking for anything more than dating and you end up in a relationship. it's all about the 2 people involved!

[katrina1980]

and sometimes, neither one of you are looking for anything more than dating and you end up in a relationship. it's all about the 2 people involved!

 

Thanks! That was precisely my point.

 

I only referenced the guy because this thread is about the OP's guy, and her confusion about what he wants.

 

Looks like they worked it out though!!