Update..... Betrayed or Not?

[Rachel22]

Hi everyone,

 

It's been over a week since posting, "Betrayed or Not". I'm having a terrible time coping with this. He went from calling me almost every other day to once a week. Texts have decreased from everyday to maybe every 4. His messages aren't as they use to be. Today was most hurtful. He just texted "Happy Thanksgiving" ending with a fall leaf emoticon. As if I am some sort of an acquaintance and not such a close friend. I know this may seem like nothing. But it broke my heart even more. The person I knew would've called to tell me of his plans and ask me of mine. How can someone cut all emotions off they had for a person in a matter of a couple months? How can your best friend be so cut and dry after more than a year of tenderness? All bc he has a gf. I have confronted him about his absence. Although he says that just because we don't communicate as much doesn't mean I mean less. Well.... I'm sorry. The friendship we had and how we were was the ingredient for its strong foundation. That, I feel, is nonexistent. Actions speak louder than words. Especially when those actions were put into practice for more than a year.

This is so frustrating for me and beyond comprehension. I'm mourning this loss. It is almost unbearable and physically hurts. He doesn't seem to get this. Why? How could someone who was so close change? If he cared so much about me, he'd try all he could to prove to me that he did.

Everyday that passes, I feel like I'm going to explode from this pain. Yes we are friends as we were. Before this new girl, he would've showed me how much our friendship meant. In fact, if someone was to tell me he would treat me this way, I would never believe them - with all my heart. He doesn't seem to understand why I am so deeply hurt. I'm more hurt by the fact that a month or so ago, it would've hurt him to know he had caused me any pain. He would've called me to talk about it. He would've given me what I needed to feel as special as I had before. He wouldn't want to lose me. Now it seems he truly doesn't care whether I'm in his life. He promised he'd never allow his sig other to come between any of his friends - me in particular. Yet how could they even object to me being a part of his life when I am no longer? Is he this clueless or this besotted with her, that his better judgement has become blurred?

I cry everyday. The last I spoke with him, I told him I was tired of staying in the past. I cared too much for our friendship to let this get in the way. I wanted to leave things in a state of resolution - although things are not as I suffer in silence. He is dead to me. It seriously feels as if I've lost my friend through his death.

I just want what we had. But he denies anything has changed - a person who had so much insight about people. He claims I am choosing to see our friendship in this light. I am only reacting to his mistreatment. Is he even mistreating me? Did he forget how close we were. How can I get him back? Do I want him back? Was he even my friend to begin with or did he only need me when he needed me. Now he doesn't need me anymore. I just can't handle this unexpected rejection.

Please help...

[Edmund Exley]

You're actually doing this to yourself. You need to let the reality of it all set in.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he's still married, you met on a dating site and you are long distance.

 

You are not really friends and he is probably dating locally or still in the throes of divorcing.

 

It would be best to block his breadcrumbs and go no contact. That would help you heal and move on much better.

He just texted "Happy Thanksgiving" ending with a fall leaf emoticon. As if I am some sort of an acquaintance and not such a close friend.

[j.man]

He is dead to me. It seriously feels as if I've lost my friend through his death.

Holy ****. Nobody died. You simply didn't get the hint.

 

Please seek out some therapy. That's just bad.

[1a1a]

Recommend you give him a wide berth for a while, like maybe a year. If A friendship can happen, the love feelings need to go first. I am sorry you're hurting (was there this time a year ago). Go and invest your energy in your friends for now.

[SooSad33]

All bc he has a gf

 

Sorry, but if he has a new gal in his life now... is up to YOU whether you can really stand being put back there in the 'friendship' zone? Doesnt sound like you can handle it.. can you?

 

Then its best to walk.. and keep walking. I am not friends with my ex's.. because we went beyond 'friendship'.. and very hard to go back there.. knowing they're with someone else

 

Time to work on accepting.. he is moved on... and you are not at top of his list.

[notalady]

You have feelings for him, so don't kid yourself you were just friends. It's natural for someone to distance from a person who has more-than-friendly feelings for them when they start dating someone else. No man would keep up with daily / regular contact with another female if they are serious about their new date (and same for female).

 

You're just butt hurt that he chose to date someone else and not you. Acknowledge that to yourself and move on. Treat this like a break up, go NC, block him.

 

Learn the lesson, next time you are interested in someone, and they don't want to date you for whatever reason, move on.

[Rachel22]

You're actually doing this to yourself. You need to let the reality of it all set in.

I'm doing this to myself. Yes. Only because I'm trying to understand what happened.

[Rachel22]

Holy ****. Nobody died. You simply didn't get the hint.

 

Please seek out some therapy. That's just bad.

I didn't get the hint? Ok. How would a person be expected to get the hint when there are no hints being thrown out there.

Why did you suggest to seek therapy? The situation is bad?

[Rachel22]

All bc he has a gf

 

Sorry, but if he has a new gal in his life now... is up to YOU whether you can really stand being put back there in the 'friendship' zone? Doesnt sound like you can handle it.. can you?

 

Then its best to walk.. and keep walking. I am not friends with my ex's.. because we went beyond 'friendship'.. and very hard to go back there.. knowing they're with someone else

 

Time to work on accepting.. he is moved on... and you are not at top of his list.

What does him being with someone else have anything to do with the way he has treated me?

[Rachel22]

You have feelings for him, so don't kid yourself you were just friends. It's natural for someone to distance from a person who has more-than-friendly feelings for them when they start dating someone else. No man would keep up with daily / regular contact with another female if they are serious about their new date (and same for female).

 

You're just butt hurt that he chose to date someone else and not you. Acknowledge that to yourself and move on. Treat this like a break up, go NC, block him.

 

Learn the lesson, next time you are interested in someone, and they don't want to date you for whatever reason, move on.

What isn't natural is when the other person also had more than friendly feelings. I wasn't the only one feeling love and closeness to him. He felt the same.

[Birdie]

He maybe felt the same, but he chose to move on and date locally.

 

When a friend enters a relationship the dynamic changes, their new beau usually becomes the centre of their attention. Also, it would be hugely disrespectful to this new girl to continue to your level of communication due to you having feelings for him. How would you feel in her position? It's inappropriate for him to continue on with you as he before.

 

You're level of distress over this is very over the top, which is why therapy might be useful.

[Rachel22]

He maybe felt the same, but he chose to move on and date locally.

 

When a friend enters a relationship the dynamic changes, their new beau usually becomes the centre of their attention. Also, it would be hugely disrespectful to this new girl to continue to your level of communication due to you having feelings for him. How would you feel in her position? It's inappropriate for him to continue on with you as he before.

 

You're level of distress over this is very over the top, which is why therapy might be useful.

I am in therapy. Maybe to you and whoever reads this, my reaction seems over the top. These are just words I'm writing. They can never paint the picture as a whole.

We were that close. And to have a close friend lie about it, makes me think they were never a close friend. When someone tells you something, especially a dear friend, wouldn't you expect them to act in accordance to it?

Most of these replies have been pretty harsh and not very compassionate.

I came here to recieve solace. I shared my story because I felt alone at the time and needed comfort. Maybe it's made me realize I do know what has happened - he did betray me! The lesson I have learned is to never doubt my judgement. I knew who he was. I knew what he said and what we had both promised. He broke that trust and all that we ever established. So yes, it is serious.

[Birdie]

Things never stay as they are, relationships and situations constantly change. I'm sorry you feel betrayed, but he's simply moving on in his life and I'd encourage you to do the same.

 

I think your feelings for him were way stronger and you felt they were reciprocated, when they weren't. I can understand feeling betrayed from that perspective...because it's like he cheated on you, but that's not the reality. Maybe talk to your therapist about healthy ways to handle change?

 

In regards to him I would go no contact just because you are so hurt. You'll be able to move on quicker that way.

[Rachel22]

Things never stay as they are, relationships and situations constantly change. I'm sorry you feel betrayed, but he's simply moving on in his life and I'd encourage you to do the same.

 

I think your feelings for him were way stronger and you felt they were reciprocated, when they weren't. I can understand feeling betrayed from that perspective...because it's like he cheated on you, but that's not the reality. Maybe talk to your therapist about healthy ways to handle change?

 

In regards to him I would go no contact just because you are so hurt. You'll be able to move on quicker that way.

You're right. I appreciate your thoughts. I need to work more on me.

[notalady]

What isn't natural is when the other person also had more than friendly feelings. I wasn't the only one feeling love and closeness to him. He felt the same.

 

All the more reason he would distance himself since he's moved on to a new relationship.

[Rachel22]

All the more reason he would distance himself since he's moved on to a new relationship.

That makes sense. I knew we could never be bc of the distance. A part of me is mad at him and hurt. I was the only girl for a year. Now I am no longer. It's not an easy adjustment. The other part of me doesn't blame him for wanting someone near. He was lonely. I realized this. I think I can move on as well. I think a large part of the attraction was us being of the same nationality. Although it didn't create our relationship, it was a nice aspect.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

[notalady]

That makes sense. I knew we could never be bc of the distance. A part of me is mad at him and hurt. I was the only girl for a year. Now I am no longer. It's not an easy adjustment. The other part of me doesn't blame him for wanting someone near. He was lonely. I realized this. I think I can move on as well. I think a large part of the attraction was us being of the same nationality. Although it didn't create our relationship, it was a nice aspect.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

Instead of being mad or seeing it as betrayal, it would be more productive to realise what it was to begin with - a time filler for you both (or at least for him) while there's no serious relationship prospect in sight. And to realise that it was inevitable that it will end once one of you decide to pursue more serious relationships. I don't know what you were hoping to achieve but it was never a sustainable relationship, romantic or otherwise. Also I wouldn't think of him moving on to be due to loneliness, I would think he's now looking to get into a serious relationship instead of just having someone to chat and flirt with.

 

If there's anything to learn from this, I think is to be clear with yourself what you're looking for and not waste yourself building an emotional connection that was always going to lead to nowhere.

[Rachel22]

Instead of being mad or seeing it as betrayal, it would be more productive to realise what it was to begin with - a time filler for you both (or at least for him) while there's no serious relationship prospect in sight. And to realise that it was inevitable that it will end once one of you decide to pursue more serious relationships. I don't know what you were hoping to achieve but it was never a sustainable relationship, romantic or otherwise. Also I wouldn't think of him moving on to be due to loneliness, I would think he's now looking to get into a serious relationship instead of just having someone to chat and flirt with.

 

If there's anything to learn from this, I think is to be clear with yourself what you're looking for and not waste yourself building an emotional connection that was always going to lead to nowhere.

Yes. You're right. He was just using me

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I don't understand the whole 'playing friendzies' thing with a long distance stranger who turned out to not want to be lovers after you met. I'd skip that, because the only reason to remain in contact would be to fool myself and play out some illusion that I could somehow manipulate the guy into turning his ship around in my favor.

 

So he turned out to be untruthful about dating? No kidding. I'd talk myself down from that by examining, first, what I'm doing building up a long distance fantasy in the first place, much less travel alone to meet a stranger who could have been any kind of sick pup behind a facade, and even less, why I'd continue any form of communication with a guy who'd nix a romantic relationship after meeting me.

 

What's to trust, exactly? Words? From a stranger who took up your time for some free therapy despite knowing full well how invested you'd become, which is why he lied about dating other women to begin with?

 

None of this is healthy. Instead of railing against the unfairness of the guy's behavior, I'd question my own, and I'd ask myself whut-the-heck I'm doing.

 

Why not limit online profiles to local guys with whom you can skip any big e-fantasy build up, and just meet each guy for a quick cup of coffee to check one another out? Rules are that neither can ask the other out for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can message the other afterward with an invitation. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if the answer is no, then no response is necessary. This takes all the squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

 

Most people are NOT our match. Once we get that, we can freely meet people to test whether their piece of a puzzle matches our own. Most will not. That's just math, and it's nobody's fault. The goal is to screen out bad matches and someday stumble across someone who can view our unique value through the right lens, and that is rae. It's supposed to be rare. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

 

I'd pull back and consider that you're grieving the loss of an illusion you built 'around' someone else, and he was equally unhealthy in building that with you. So suffering dis-illusion-ment is painful stuff. I'd delete the guy from all forms of contact, and I'd honestly consider working with a therapist for help with grounding myself before continuing to pursue any relationships with men. That's not intended to be harsh, it's an objective suggestion from someone with no agenda beyond a hope that you will disengage from your investment in someone you never really 'knew' as well as you believed.

 

Head high.

[Rachel22]

That was very well put. I didn't really know him. How could I? Also, how could I be grieving over a loss of a person who didn't exist.

I want to be healthy emotionally and spiritually. Your honest words have certainly helped. Thank you.

[catfeeder]

That was very well put. I didn't really know him. How could I? Also, how could I be grieving over a loss of a person who didn't exist.

I want to be healthy emotionally and spiritually. Your honest words have certainly helped. Thank you.

 

That's good to hear, and thank you, Rachel. In terms of emotional health, what prompted you to invest so heavily in a stranger and believe that you had a relationship?

 

That's not a critical question, it just sounds as though you might latch onto scraps from men or your own ideas 'about' a man rather than using discretion to screen out bad matches. I say this because your post prompted me to go back to the one prior, and there was one before that which spoke of remaining in the same home as an abusive ex and then leapfrogging straight into the home of a man who didn't exactly suggest the move. Ever after reading the man's explanation to a woman he proclaimed to love that he didn't encourage your move in with him, you remained with him and were searching for reasons to believe that he would change his mind.

 

If it's emotional health you want, are you working with a therapist? I can appreciate that an abusive marriage may have caused a degree of habitual dependency, but your judgment remains impacted by this, and the healthiest way I know of to address this is to work with a professional and to establish a soundness of comfort in your capacity to thrive solo. Then you won't be inclined to allow neediness to drive less than careful selection, or risky behaviors such as pursuing strangers over a long distance.

 

A measurement of health is your willingness to put your safety and sound choices above any desire, so that when a lousy choice presents itself, you're emotionally equipped to skip him and desire instead to hold out for a good match.

 

Head high, and best wishes.

[Avalanche]

I had a long term internet relationship with a girl I'd never even seen or met. It ended in a near psychotic breakdown and total collapse of my sanity. You can do some terribly crazy things to yourself when lonely

 

The good news is that once I found the strength to walk away I started to heal.