My abusive mother died, have to go sort through her things

[Trammel]

So I'm not posting this under grief because I feel no grief. My mother was mentally ill and very psychologically and emotionally abusive. I cut off all contact with her 20 years ago, after my father died. They were still married and living together when he died, but they hated each other and she made sure every day to remind me how horrible he was (which wasn't true) and how much he never wanted kids.

 

She died a month ago and really all I feel is relief. Relief that she can no longer do anything to me. I have made myself a good life, I have a lot of friends and a wonderful boyfriend and a good job. I have anxiety but it's generally under control. I have had a lot of therapy over the years.

 

I have been in contact with the man my mother was living with, who seems like a normal, sane guy, and he's been handling a lot of the bureaucratic stuff. My younger sister was helping, but she has depression and now is not answering emails/phone calls. (that's a whole other story, not covering it here). So I have to go from Italy, where I live, to Florida and deal with selling the house and going through some storage spaces my mother had.

 

I don't have to go see the house where I grew up (which is in Maryland), there is already a buyer for it. I just have to sign papers and make phone calls. I will have to deal with a lot of my mothers belongings. I just wonder if I should be prepared that it might freak me out. Since she died I really only have felt relief and only had 1 nightmare.

 

I just wonder what I should be prepared for.

[moodindigo91]

Be prepared for everything, but above all, be open to whatever experiences will come - good or bad. That's the most important part. You have to go through it, you might feel things you don't want to feel but you have to allow yourself to feel them. This is a difficult situation to be in, but you seem strong, so I know you'll make it through having learned some things about yourself and your mother.

[Wiseman2]

Who is the executor? An attorney? This BF? Does he co-own the house? Is there a provision from a trust for him to remain there? Did she have a will? If not, it's split between you and siblings. You will have to freeze accounts and research for insurance policies, safety deposit boxes etc. If she died in and has assets in FL it will have to go through probate whether she had a will or died intestate. Either way have attorneys and agencies such as those who handle real estate sales and estate sales do as much as possible so you do not have to be as on hands.

[Hermes]

So glad you were able to break out of the abusive environment and make a life for yourself.

 

"She died a month ago and really all I feel is relief. Relief that she can no longer do anything to me. I have made myself a good life, I have a lot of friends and a wonderful boyfriend and a good job. I have anxiety but it's generally under control. I have had a lot of therapy over the years."

 

As for dealing with her belongings, Trammel, could I suggest that perhaps you get someone else to do that for you, or otherwise, rope in a couple of people to go through the stuff with you. don't do it alone.

[Hermes]

A book you might like:

 

Rapunzelmother by Dr. Joseph Burgo

[melancholy123]

My mother was abusive to me, physically a lot of the time, and definitely emotionally. When she died 6 yrs ago I felt nothing but relief, so I understand how you feel. I never shed a tear. I was estranged from her for decades, of my own choice, and my contact with her was limited. She made it abundantly clear that my brother was the Golden Child, and I was her cross to bear. I thought when she died that she'd never be able to affect me again, but I was wrong because she left everything to my brother. I should have seen that coming but my husband was sure mother would be some form of "fair" and I had hoped he was right but he was wrong. So even from the grave she got me! But that's ok, what I/we have we acquired on our own and we are fine.

 

So, for you, I get how you feel. Be open to knowing you may well experience a range of emotion, so go with it. It will probably be cathartic in the end once you've done all you are required to do, and then hopefully you move on to a life you want to have.

[zeino]

Certain things may trigger childhood memories, photos, clothing you remember. If you have a friend who can help you with it, maybe they can categorize things in boxes - clothing, personal, etc. I would not read anything (journals, letters) and prefer to deal with legal papers only. Do you think it would be possible to hire someone to put things in boxes for you and you just deal with what feels technically relevant?

[Hermes]

Agree fully Zeino.

[Trammel]

"be open to whatever experiences will come". That sounds like really good advice. Thanks.

[Trammel]

My mother was living in the boyfriend's house with him. My childhood home is the one being sold - left by my mother to me and my sister. Probate is already underway and there is a lawyer handling it.Thanks for the info.