A little scared that my girlfriend might be too jealous

[boltnrun]

So this other girl grabbed you inappropriately? She touched you, flirted with you and talked to you inappropriately?

 

What will your girlfriend do if a waitress smiles at you? Tells you to have a good day? Will she flip out if the grocery store clerk hands you your receipt and her hand accidentally touches yours? Are you supposed to beat the waitress or the grocery store clerk to a bloody pulp, or loudly shout "HOW DARE YOU DO THAT!!! YOU DISRESPECTED MY GIRLFRIEND AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT!!!"

 

I mean, seriously...

[Wiseman2]

I get that you don't want drama, are laid back, low conflict and that is great. However be mindful that this tenancy will foster her calling the shots in these type of unreasonable ways like a tyrant. I didn't chime in and say anything because I don't deal with unnecessary drama. I'm not ready to throw the relationship away just yet considering it's the first time the issue has popped up, but I do feel pretty defenseless and that I have to just apologize for whatever happened. I don't really see anything else I could say without it just escalating.

[MTfan00]

I get that you don't want drama, are laid back, low conflict and that is great. However be mindful that this tenancy will foster her calling the shots in these type of unreasonable ways like a tyrant.

 

What could you suggest I do?

[zeino]

She equated it to a guy grabbing her inappropriately and her not telling him to stop, or never telling me it happened. That's how she felt about it. That since I didn't say "Hey, don't do that." Even though I felt nothing really happened inappropriate, that it obviously doesn't bother me that other girls could do that to me. She said that's a big problem to her that she'll eventually get over but if happens again, I'm old news. She also said it shattered some "expectations I had of you and of your behavior" along with her losing trust.

 

Obviously I understand the concept of the issue. Who would be okay with somebody else touching, flirting, talking inappropriately to their significant half? And if the significant other seemed to be okay with it then yeah, be angry. But I didn't believe it was intentional, whatever happened. So I didn't chime in and say anything because I don't deal with unnecessary drama. I'm not ready to throw the relationship away just yet considering it's the first time the issue has popped up, but I do feel pretty defenseless and that I have to just apologize for whatever happened. I don't really see anything else I could say without it just escalating.

 

I want to share my suggestions. Please take what you need and disregard the rest.

 

You have some really good attitudes and reflexes here, regardless of whom you are dating. With your background with a woman with jealousy problems, I think it's great that you see in yourself the motivation to solve problems rather than automatically dismissing or avoiding. This shows you are psychologically powerful enough not to deploy your immediate defenses.If you keep your emotional antennae open, do not neglect the warnings your mind/body sends you etc, you can manage observing, contributing to the situation with constructive action and calling it quits when/if you feel the need to do so. Another good attitude of yours is that you are empathetic, trying to find common points in your understanding. (If you were too hurt, you wouldn't be able to do this that well.) It's also good that you didn't turn this against her ("how can you think I will do these to you?" but left it at the problematic place it is.

 

Now that you are not ready to throw the relationship as of yet, for the future, let go of the fear of things escalating. Your role is not to keep the peace, to find things that will not escalate the situation etc. (And you can ask yourself why you are choosing seemingly dominant women and then adopting this role of peacekeeping, not rocking the boat etc.) Basically, lack of escalation or peace achieved by one partner giving too much does not mean a satisfactory relationship for either of you. As long as behaviours are not abusive, escalation is a normal part of relationships. And at least you will see what happens if you are your true, open self because you cannot spend the rest of your life by thinking about how to control others' actions. (You run the risk of developing unintentional passive aggressive behaviours yourself.) So she is being overtly controlling by attempting to control your actions (your lunch with her friends, your actions around others) etc and you are being covertly controlling by opting for things that you think will not escalate a situation instead of representing your true opinions etc. This can also hinder her opportunities to grow and keep her actions in check. There is something in approaching people with fear. The more we do this, the more they become what we fear sometimes. Avoiding behaviour triggers craziness in some partners. You must discover a line between your positive, empowered self and your avoidant self and then you will know what you want to change and what you want to keep.

 

Let's have a look at her positive things. In her opinion, she is doing a lot to save this relationship - she is working so hard and she voices this like a nagging mother - based on my limited understanding from what you have written. Obviously, some of her methods are controlling. My favourite bit was where she rationalized/justified doing all she did by throwing it to your court. She had to do all those crazy things (badmouthing etc) because you were not doing anything. So basically, it is highly probable that she feels bad about what she did deep down, maybe embarrassed etc. If this is so, this can be a behaviour which can be changed, you can discover this by keeping communication open but I would say it is a bit too early.

 

For apologies, if you ever wish to use them, an apology needs to have three minimum parts to be psychologically effective. At the moment, you are basing what you did or did not do on your intentions (didn't see anything wrong etc) but in human reality, impact is also important. This event left an impact on your girlfriend, like it or not. The measure of the impact seems to be the difference between rubbing up to you (your words) versus grinding (her words). So the apology starts being psychologically more effective when you add an empathetic rewording of what she feels. Then you admit your "mistake". This has nothing to do what you did to another person here. The mistake, or maybe the shortcoming, is about what you could have done differently. If you believe there is nothing you could have done differently to this woman, then think of what you could have done differently that night. If there is nothing, then you are not compatible in any sense anyway. So no need to work on this relationship. If you want to carry on with the apology, do not justify your actions(no "but, "but you/and you" in an apology. This must be about her, not you. Actually, apologies with so many justifications are textbook codependent acts. And the most important part, the repair. How can you make this up to her? How can you repair the hurt? At this point, she may come up with controlling suggestions for the future - don't ever look at a woman again. Don't be pulled in this and don't judge her too harshly. Maybe she has had a life where she was never taught to think about her wellbeing in a deeper sense. You can say you want a safe relationship for both of you and you are more than willing to speak about your boundaries as a couple but first you would like to do something to repair that broken heart that night. A special day somewhere? A hug? What is it that will make her feel that feelings are restored?

 

If you will do the apology step, then don't try to do everything at once, leave other things to another day and try to enjoy your relationship as much as possible.

 

 

Then you take the lead - I think, despite her dominant façade, she may feel more comfortable with this for a while. Plus you now know what happens when she takes the lead.If she doesn't want you to make any suggestions, if she insists on things get solved her way, she isn't open to change. (I would say leave)

 

You must agree in one principle. Do both of you feel that you have enough nice experiences under your belt to have the motivation to make this relationship better? If she says she has no problems other than this incident, you can say that there are things you would like to improve. Again, if she is reluctant to the point of not agreeing to speak, you leave. If you two speak, you can talk about trust. You are more or less at the same point in terms of trust. Both of you fear things and you may catasthrophize. (You fear she may be a crazy woman, she believes you may be a cheater.) You can tell her that extreme fears come to people's minds for many reasons related to themselves but when you think with a calm head on a positive day, you don't think she is a woman who will cause you big pain (don't say negative things like crazy woman etc). So, does she really think you are a potential cheater or does that thought comes when she feels hurt? In other words, can she see you in the positive light you deserve when she feels emotionally safer? If she truly thinks all men can be cheaters so she should prevent this with her actions actions of control etc, I would say do not try to win her trust or prove that you are different. This opinion was formed before you and you don't have to be tested all the time to change it. (Though many people get an ego boost from being different, the rescuer, the knight in the shining armor etc. We must all resist this as it paves the way for emotional abuse.)

 

If she agrees that you are not the potential monster she made you to be, then you two will work on building trust but also remember that putting trust is also a choice sometimes. In your crisis examples, it is important to practice mutuality in dialogue. Rewording each other's perspective, sharing your own vulnerabilities, opening up yourself honestly, both giving and requesting. This may take some time. Some people practice it step by step feeling very robotic at times. But it gets better.

 

During the initial stages of building trust, doing repairwork etc, old behaviours may come up and actions may be tested a bit before more trust is put. Expect this from both sides.

 

You can have these convos with the purpose of knowing each other better. For solid problem solving, I would suggest discussions outside home, maybe at a restaurant etc. More relaxed atmosphere where you can speak calmer without things turning into big arguments.

 

Learn each other's bodily boundaries, what kind of behaviours make each other happy. What is it that she is particularly worried about when you socialize with her friends. What you need from her in this new town? What do you both think in terms of family stuff?

 

If you want to truly observe where this is going, don't worry about how much she catastrophizes about you when she is hurt. Notice her words but also remember that fear makes them stronger and sometimes people use stronger words to receive more emotional attention, reaction etc without a plan to manipulate. I think if you speak a bit more openly and firmly, the automatic result may not be escalation. If this happens, you can remind her that who is right or wrong is a different thing from creating happiness together but if she cannot get out of the right/wrong mentality (where she would always be right of course), then I would say rethink whether you want to be in this relationship.

[Snny]

She equated it to a guy grabbing her inappropriately and her not telling him to stop, or never telling me it happened.

Oh for FS.

 

She's comparing apples to oranges here.

The situation she described is aggression and full intent. The situation that occurred IS A FLIPPING ACCIDENT. You were not molested in any way.

 

I can't believe you are actually taking this chick seriously. She needs to grow up.

 

She said that's a big problem to her that she'll eventually get over but if happens again, I'm old news. She also said it shattered some "expectations I had of you and of your behavior" along with her losing trust.

And there she goes again, playing the victim card. She wants to be right and put you down over a "problem" that was not your fault and beyond your control.

 

She needs some help. She is very delusional.

 

Who would be okay with somebody else touching, flirting, talking inappropriately to their significant half?

But that didn't happen at all. Nobody was flirting. Based on your information, it's silly adults goofing around at a bar with a camera. Harmless fun, until your girlfriend decided to be a buzzkill and create drama over nothing. Nobody was violated here and she's taking it too far than what it is.

 

 

 

For real, turn her into the "old news."

[reinventmyself]

Tell her how you feel about the incident.

Tell her what you will and not tolerate in a relationship and see what she says..

Be firm, compassionate and fair.

Calmly set a respectful boundary and her response will give you your answer.

[JaggerJim]

Tell her to get over it. She's had enough time to stew on it.

[Snny]

The fact this thread is now 4 pages does prove one thing the girlfriend said:

 

The OP is a doormat. He doesn't stand up to ANYONE, much less question the advice given here.

 

Don't be a doormat. I agree with reinventmyself 100% about expressions YOUR boundaries and watch as the chips may fall. Otherwise this girl is going to run the entire show and dominate you.o