How do I stay optimistic?

[mustlovedogs]

It is coming up on a year since my heart was broken.

 

In that time, I've gone on... Maybe 30 dates? I am actively using dating sites, trying to meet people in person, trying to improve myself... In short, I think I'm doing everything right.

 

And I'm trying not to compare myself to my ex. But he is in a relationship of 9-10 months - happy, in love, whatever (I assume).

 

But man. How do you stay positive? Going from heartbreak, to seeing your ex move on quickly and successfully, to actively TRYING to date, and nothing.. In 1 year.

 

1 year.

 

So the thoughts rattling around in my head are that I'm not good enough, that he's winning, that he was my chance and I'll never find love again, that I screwed up a good thing, that it'll take years to find love - if I'm lucky.

 

It's so hard to deal with these thoughts when I also know I have good qualities. I'm smart, successful, interesting (others tell me this), adventurous, kind, sensitive... My biggest downside is that I'm plus size (size 14 US usually). But I work out and try to take care of myself in terms of hair, clothes, skin...

 

When will I catch a break? How long do people stay single for when they are doing the "right" things in looking for a relationship?

[Matt3939]

Try not to get down. I've been single for almost a year myself. Though I haven't been looking. I doubt that would change matters mostly anyway. You sound like you have good attributes. Don't let the size get you down most men like a bigger woman I know I do as long as it's not obese it's sexy. Just keep looking and don't compare yourself to someone else.

[surfdiva]

Wow, sounds like we are in the same sucky boat, LOL! My ex moved out a year ago this month and I swear, I've gone on 5000 dates, had a "boyfriend" (he called himself that) for 2 months. My ex has also been with the same person for 9 months and I hear they're about to move in together. Awesome.

 

I dunno, it is hard to stay optimistic. I've been on all the sites, but honestly. I've decided to take a break and not try so hard. I also had a pretty difficult situation within the last couple of months that has kept my mind away from dating (my best friend took her own life). I dunno, why don't you try not "looking" for that person. Just live life, get out there and have fun.

 

Best of luck! I know your somebody is right around the corner

[happpybear]

What I did, was turned around my thinking, so after a date that was bleh, I would think, okay well that means that he is still out there. Instead of focusing on what went wrong on the date or getting down on myself because I wasn't attracted etc. And everyday I would think, I could meet him today. I could cross the street and meet him. I could bump into him at the grocery store. And thinking like that kept me hopefull, and also gave me the motivation to keep my eyes open and to make sure I looked presentable at all times, because when I am single, I find it really easy to frump-out, lol.

[mustlovedogs]

Thank you all for the positive responses I've been trying a bit less since I just started grad school, so I'm not so much actively pursuing a relationship as I am just feeling sad this month. Surfdiva, I can't imagine how hard that is. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope good things come for you soon. Happybear, I like your idea and that is true. Thank you, too, Matt!

[gypsybird87]

I know how you feel. After my last relationship failed (the one that brought me here), I feel jaded about the whole dating thing. I'm very weary of investing myself in LTR's with men I believe are 'the one', only to get dumped for something (or even the *idea* of something) "better".

 

I've made a few attempts to date since the break up, and honestly they just felt like a pain in the ass. Too much stress, too much hassle, too much of everything. The dates went well enough but I turned down invitations to go out again. I'm just over it. I'm focusing on me, and what I like to do and the people I like to spend time with. I'm absolutely done jumping through any hoops in order to shoehorn some random man into my life, just so I can have someone. Especially since past experience has taught me that eventually he will waltz out the door and take my heart along with him. F*ck. That.

 

My life is full and busy. I bet yours is too, when you think about it. And if it's not.... maybe focus on that. My advice is to take a break from dating for a while. Get through the holidays. Cherish time with friends and family. Revisit the dating scene later, when it feels natural and not like TRYING, as you put it. And when you do return to it, keep the focus more on do you like HIM, and less on omg, does he like ME?! You are young and smart, and I'm sure very attractive. I'm a 14 too, and plenty of guys like curvy girls. Your ex wasn't the first man to love you, and he won't be the last. I promise. In the meantime, just keep doing you. Being you. Build a life you love so much, that it won't matter when or if a man comes into it, because it's *already* so good. You, on your own, are already enough.

[mustlovedogs]

Aw gypsybird your answer was amazing! Thank you so much, I needed something like that tonight. I think I will do just that.

[musicman777]

It is coming up on a year since my heart was broken.

 

In that time, I've gone on... Maybe 30 dates? I am actively using dating sites, trying to meet people in person, trying to improve myself... In short, I think I'm doing everything right.

 

Some of this is gonna come off mean but it has to be said. You're counting the days since your breakup. That means you're not over your ex. And you are using all these days and dating apps as a rebound tool to get over him because he is dating someone else (yes, this is rebounding). And 30+ dates? I feel bad for all them men you swindled for a date.

 

You're absolutely NOT "improving yourself" by your behavior. You're lying to yourself if you think your improving yourself as a person by dating dozens of gullible men. You're not over your ex, you're obsessing over who he is dating, and you're too obsessed with finding someone too soon because you don't like being single.

 

It can take YEARS to get over someone; you can't just magically forget about the past or the relationship you had. But time makes memories fade. How about making some positive changes in your life? Let's block the ex on the social networks, quit stalking all the activities of his life, quit asking friends about him. His life is no longer any of your business. Number two; how about your focus on your weight? You're unhappy about it, size 14 isn't exactly healthy. Maybe instead of focusing on finding a guy you focus on your health? Don't just exercise; do the diet, do everything, change your lifestyle, get help. And don't do it because you want to please men. Do it because you want to be happy and healthy. This would be something positive that you can focus your thoughts/energy to rather than finding a boyfriend again so rapidly.

 

Ditch the dating sites/apps. Quit obsessively looking for a boyfriend. That's the last thing you need right now. And you are being 110% unfair to every guy you communicate with on those apps. You're not ready to date again, and your lack of success in dating is proof of that alone. I used to be on those sites, and the last thing I want is to go through all the trouble of communicating and arranging a date with a woman that is emotionally unavailable because she has insecurities and isn't over her ex.

[Batya33]

I do empathize with how hard it is out there, how hard to see your ex moving on. Been there!

 

Against that backdrop, when I was dating (for about 24 years, on and off but not since 2005 although I hear many dating experiences from friends) one of the most significant downsides or dealbreakers was when a woman was overweight -at least in the major city where I dated. Not fair, just reality. And yes even if you appear to be in shape and look healthy, etc.

 

I know of several exceptions (and in some of those cases the woman married an overweight man which is fine -just sharing in case you are turned off by overweight men) but many more instances and anecdotes where the overweight was the dealbreaker. Just heard about it again from a male friend of mine who is in his 50s and actively looking. The woman who he likes, is now his "friend" and one of the major reasons is because she is overweight . Call it shallow, whatever -as I said it's not fair but if you want to increase your chances and you feel you can do something moderate like Weight Watchers (i.e. no extreme dieting) I'd seriously consider it. I really mean to help, not offend.

[mustlovedogs]

Musicman, I'm not counting the days - it's just very easy to remember the day he broke up with me. He dumped me on our two year anniversary, so I'm sure I'll remember the date for the rest of my life

 

Going on dates is not what I meant by improving myself. I started grad school, I'm working out more, I'm trying to be introspective and understand my flaws, I'm developing hobbies, meeting new people...

 

I certainly went on dates with guys I wasn't ready for. I had a handful of first dates that were great where I wanted a second and it wasn't to be. I didn't swindle anyone. And the guys where I wasn't ready - I actually told them and apologized profusely for using them.

 

This post is about being sad that nothing is working out. My ex "winning" the breakup just stings worse.

 

I know Batya.

[tiredcupcake]

I think you should cut ties with him. Stop following on social media. Forget about him. You will always feel bad if you keep seeing how happy he is.

Pretend he has died. Then you wont have to compare your happiness to his.

easier said than done, yes. But thats what you need to do.

[Ms Darcy]

I do empathize with how hard it is out there, how hard to see your ex moving on. Been there!

 

Against that backdrop, when I was dating (for about 24 years, on and off but not since 2005 although I hear many dating experiences from friends) one of the most significant downsides or dealbreakers was when a woman was overweight -at least in the major city where I dated. Not fair, just reality. And yes even if you appear to be in shape and look healthy, etc.

 

I know of several exceptions (and in some of those cases the woman married an overweight man which is fine -just sharing in case you are turned off by overweight men) but many more instances and anecdotes where the overweight was the dealbreaker. Just heard about it again from a male friend of mine who is in his 50s and actively looking. The woman who he likes, is now his "friend" and one of the major reasons is because she is overweight . Call it shallow, whatever -as I said it's not fair but if you want to increase your chances and you feel you can do something moderate like Weight Watchers (i.e. no extreme dieting) I'd seriously consider it. I really mean to help, not offend.

 

There are a lot of factors that go into finding someone. But this is the one that is often hardest to bring up due to the sensitivity around it.

 

My only comment is that I agree. And you might want to consider if you are interested in the kind of men who would be interested in a slimmer woman.

 

I would also pay attention to Musicman's comments on the subject.

[mustlovedogs]

So all my value could really just boil down to my weight?

[Batya33]

So all my value could really just boil down to my weight?

 

No one wrote that -how in the world did you interpret it that way? Reread my post if you need clarification.

 

I will tell you that one of the things that improved my dating chances was better hair products and a wet to dry hair iron. Oh and becoming the right person to find the right person.

[mustlovedogs]

... I interpreted that way because I was told I needed to lose weight as its a dealbreaker for many. So, for a large section of the population, it was at least implied that my other qualities do not outshine my weight.

[DivineDMC]

Just heard about it again from a male friend of mine who is in his 50s and actively looking. The woman who he likes, is now his "friend" and one of the major reasons is because she is overweight . Call it shallow, whatever -as I said it's not fair but if you want to increase your chances and you feel you can do something moderate like Weight Watchers (i.e. no extreme dieting) I'd seriously consider it. I really mean to help, not offend.

 

Not sure about this advice. If a person is happy with their weight, they shouldn't feel pressured to lose weight just to please a man. If unhappy, then lose weight for you, not for some man. I personally don't want a shallow man who is unable to look beyond aesthetics in searching for something real. By the same token, people can't help who they are attracted to either, and I get that, But I would never tell someone to lose weight or they might miss out on Mr. Right. Mr. Right will love you regardless, if you love yourself.

[Batya33]

... I interpreted that way because I was told I needed to lose weight as its a dealbreaker for many. So, for a large section of the population, it was at least implied that my other qualities do not outshine my weight.

 

Implied by you, I understand - but certainly not by me.

[Batya33]

Not sure about this advice. If a person is happy with their weight, they shouldn't feel pressured to lose weight just to please a man. If unhappy, then lose weight for you, not for some man. I personally don't want a shallow man who is unable to look beyond aesthetics in searching for something real. By the same token, people can't help who they are attracted to either, and I get that, But I would never tell someone to lose weight or they might miss out on Mr. Right. Mr. Right will love you regardless, if you love yourself.

 

But she didn't say she was happy with her weight in her initial post. Many people work on their appearance and health/fitness to improve chances in the dating world as one of the reasons. Attraction has a physical component - attraction often has a shallow component. And in my experience as I wrote in 24 years of dating and being friends with many many men and continuing those friendships over the last 10 years or so when I stopped dating and got married ,one of the dealbreakers that came up over and over again was not being sexually/physically attracted to an overweight person. I actually did date a very obese man and at first I wasn't attracted to him and then I was. However, it still was an issue for me because I was very concerned about his health (that is not why we ended things -he ended things).

 

I think it's a tautology to say "Mr. Right will love you regardless if you love yourself". Yes, if you love yourself, including your body, your level of fitness and health, your body image - then sure, you will find someone who is physically attracted to an overweight person (or is neutral on it) - it will reduce the dating pool -but sure, if it's part of your self-love and self-image to be that weight then of course. That's not how I read her post.

 

She wrote: My biggest downside is that I'm plus size (size 14 US usually). But I work out and try to take care of myself in terms of hair, clothes, skin...

 

So it's certainly not a part of her that she loves and accepts. It's a downside to her.

[Lisii]

Not sure about this advice. If a person is happy with their weight, they shouldn't feel pressured to lose weight just to please a man. If unhappy, then lose weight for you, not for some man. I personally don't want a shallow man who is unable to look beyond aesthetics in searching for something real. By the same token, people can't help who they are attracted to either, and I get that, But I would never tell someone to lose weight or they might miss out on Mr. Right. Mr. Right will love you regardless, if you love yourself.

 

This "love yourself" confuses me. For me personally I wish I could love myself, but when heartbroken and lonely it's hard to figure out how to love myself if I think no special someone can. I accept who I am, I choose to be a kind person and not take advantage of people, and I kinda like my values, I'm professional, I own my own home, arty, can hold a conversation... whats not to like!! lol.... errrrr yeah obviously something... I had two male friends tell me yesterday that I'm such a sweet & beautiful soul.. Hello Soulmate! look I'm here waiting for you!!!

 

I think maybe (and I could be wrong - I'm certainly not perfect so I could be wrong..) try and be the best version of yourself, ... Weight is only an issue if you make it an issue, confidence is sexy and attractive. I have overweight female friends that have found solid love and are happy, because they are happy with who they are. (yes I'm jealous...), I also have girlfriends who don't have an ounce of fat on them, have gorgeous bodies, but are also finding it hard to find love... they are overconfident and very competitive so I guess we need to find a medium..

 

Atm, I am sporting a winter coat (Its spring where I live) and Mr Muffin top is hugging my waist (thanks to emotional eating and lack of motivation) .. so I know where you are coming from. I joined a running group and last night I died trying to keep up with my jiggles... but hey I'm out there.. laughter hiding my pain as I ran up horribly muddy hills.

 

Ughhh babbling, I don't know where I was going with this... In a nutshell, try and get to a place where you can be confident of who you are, do the things you want to achieve in life, be the best version of yourself and Mr Right will pop up

[Ms Darcy]

She wrote: My biggest downside is that I'm plus size (size 14 US usually). But I work out and try to take care of myself in terms of hair, clothes, skin...

 

So it's certainly not a part of her that she loves and accepts. It's a downside to her.

 

I agree and this is the reason I agree with Batya's post. I wouldn't have commented if she said she loves the way she looks and has no problem attracting the guys she's interested in.

[Ms Darcy]

I also wanted to quote this from Sportster in your previous thread.

 

Tall men who are rich have a big edge in dating. Younger women with nice bodies have a big edge in dating. I don' know why people are in denial about this. I don't think any[body] should wine about it, it's not attractive at all.

 

This was after I expressed shock about a friend who complained about not finding attractive enough women. So, I'm on board with the whole "only your heart should matter" perspective. But I'm not a guy. So ... I think it's helpful to understand a range of perspectives from men.

[Matt3939]

Attractiveness is a bell curve. We all have our own version of it. Do certain things help get you noticed? Absolutely. I think you have to look at the whole package when trying to find somone. It's easier to do when the other person isn't trying. They have to be themselves and be comfortable. Everyone changes over time. Looks only get you so far and what one person finds unattractive could be appealing to another.

[DivineDMC]

But she didn't say she was happy with her weight in her initial post. Many people work on their appearance and health/fitness to improve chances in the dating world as one of the reasons. Attraction has a physical component - attraction often has a shallow component. And in my experience as I wrote in 24 years of dating and being friends with many many men and continuing those friendships over the last 10 years or so when I stopped dating and got married ,one of the dealbreakers that came up over and over again was not being sexually/physically attracted to an overweight person. I actually did date a very obese man and at first I wasn't attracted to him and then I was. However, it still was an issue for me because I was very concerned about his health (that is not why we ended things -he ended things).

 

I think it's a tautology to say "Mr. Right will love you regardless if you love yourself". Yes, if you love yourself, including your body, your level of fitness and health, your body image - then sure, you will find someone who is physically attracted to an overweight person (or is neutral on it) - it will reduce the dating pool -but sure, if it's part of your self-love and self-image to be that weight then of course. That's not how I read her post.

 

She wrote: My biggest downside is that I'm plus size (size 14 US usually). But I work out and try to take care of myself in terms of hair, clothes, skin...

 

So it's certainly not a part of her that she loves and accepts. It's a downside to her.

 

That's the reason I said I was unsure of the advice. If she wants to lose weight for health reasons or whatever, then it should be based on that alone. But doing it to increase her chances of finding someone to love her... Not quite sold on that. What's next then at point? A boob job? Butt implants? Changing her personality? All I'm saying is women already have a ton of advice out there that constantly promotes that we are not good enough, and we should change this and change that in order to attract a mate. I'm just not on board with the hype. In my experience, confidence, rather than a dress size will open up that dating pool, rather than limit it. So if she needs to lose weight to boost her confidence so be it, but don't confuse it with equating losing weight to finding a mate. I know several very slim women who can't find a mate either. Insecurity will cause a man to run away faster than a size 14 dress size.

[Batya33]

Obviously you can take it to extremes -no one is discussing that. She can take or leave my input. In my experience in dating in a major city for many years and my continued experience anecdotally, it's a significant downside for women who are looking for a long term relationship. It might be different in smaller towns, in cultures where being overweight is considered a positive, but given the health/fitness part plus the physical aspects it decreases the dating pool significantly. Not a "what's next" - just about how being at a healthy weight is a positive in finding a long term relationship. Never "equated it" and never would. It's great that the OP works out regularly and takes care of her hair/skin - that healthy glow from doing all those things is a definite positive.

 

She definitely should not make that change just to get a mate -that's been discussed in previous posts - nothing should be changed just to get a mate, that's silly -not sure why you raised that again. I know skinny women who can't find a mate. Not sure what the point of that is in your post.

 

Oh and I am a huge fan, once in a committed relationship, to change aspects of one's personality to improve a relationship - not to please someone else - but for the good of the relationship. I've done that in my marriage, especially after becoming a parent. I don't buy the excuse "well that's just who I am, take it or leave it' when the "who I am" hurts the relationship unnecessarily. It's an individual thing or situation, lest you take what I wrote to some extreme of changing one's personality "for" someone else.

[DivineDMC]

This "love yourself" confuses me. For me personally I wish I could love myself, but when heartbroken and lonely it's hard to figure out how to love myself if I think no special someone can. I accept who I am, I choose to be a kind person and not take advantage of people, and I kinda like my values, I'm professional, I own my own home, arty, can hold a conversation... whats not to like!! lol.... errrrr yeah obviously something... I had two male friends tell me yesterday that I'm such a sweet & beautiful soul.. Hello Soulmate! look I'm here waiting for you!!!

 

I think maybe (and I could be wrong - I'm certainly not perfect so I could be wrong..) try and be the best version of yourself, ... Weight is only an issue if you make it an issue, confidence is sexy and attractive. I have overweight female friends that have found solid love and are happy, because they are happy with who they are. (yes I'm jealous...), I also have girlfriends who don't have an ounce of fat on them, have gorgeous bodies, but are also finding it hard to find love... they are overconfident and very competitive so I guess we need to find a medium..

 

Atm, I am sporting a winter coat (Its spring where I live) and Mr Muffin top is hugging my waist (thanks to emotional eating and lack of motivation) .. so I know where you are coming from. I joined a running group and last night I died trying to keep up with my jiggles... but hey I'm out there.. laughter hiding my pain as I ran up horribly muddy hills.

 

Ughhh babbling, I don't know where I was going with this... In a nutshell, try and get to a place where you can be confident of who you are, do the things you want to achieve in life, be the best version of yourself and Mr Right will pop up

 

Oh Lisii. I don't know you, but I am sending you a virtual hug anyway. It made me sad to read that you wish you could love yourself. The first step is acceptance. Accept who you are this moment. Acknowledge what you like about yourself. Then look at what you want to change and own it. It is ok to love yourself inspite of your perceived flaws. If you don't love yourself or put you pressure on yourself to be a certain way before you can love yourself, how do you expect to know how to love someone else, or expect to have someone love you? It's like respect. If you don't respect yourself, how on earth can you expect anyone else to respect you? You have to make your wish a reality. Start by acknowledging the things you like, and learn to love those things... The rest will follow.