How to move on without closure?

[takewhatuwant]

My ex and I just had ww3

 

So much hate spewed back and forth. So many nasty volatile things said.

 

I will never contact him again..but Im hurt and angry. A part of me honors what we shared and still feels love and a connection to him..but the other part of me wants him to get run over by a school bus.

 

How do we heal an let go..when there is no closure?

 

NOTE** closure in my mind is when both parties come together in a healed and loving space and acknowledge both of their contributions to the break up. and send each other off into the world from a positive place. The only closure I have now is that I hate him and he hates me and he never wants to be with me again or make contact.I feel the same way but more inclined towards mutual accountability and positive send off. Is this a pipe dream?

 

Help!

[gebaird]

Closure is something you find on your own after a breakup -- it rarely if ever happens the way you are fantasizing. If you keep hanging around in an effort to get to closure or "the perfect goodbye," you'll just end up resenting him more. Go no contact so you can start the process of healing.

[greta96]

NOTE** closure in my mind is when both parties come together in a healed and loving space and acknowledge both of their contributions to the break up. and send each other off into the world from a positive place.

 

In an ideal world this would be how all relationships should end, but we don't live in an ideal world and most of the breakups are nothing like ^^^

You are the only person who can give yourself closure, don't expect others to give it to you. It's ok to dislike an ex, it's ok if the relationship doesn't end on good terms. You'll hate him, you'll miss him, you'll hate him again, you'll cry, until one day you 'll just be indifferent to the memory of him, and he will be just another life experience.

[shiner501]

The only closure you need is the fact that you are not together anymore. That in itself is closure. The relationship is closed.

If you think that "closure" is a series of words where you hug and cuddle afterwards and think it will all be rosy and you'll move on happily afterwards you are mistaken. Closure is something you find on your own after many months.

[Wiseman2]

This is all the 'closure' you need. Unfortunately the romanticized definition of "closure" implies tv-movie-like hugs and tears and him apologizing, which is highly unlikely given the hateful ending.

 

How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?

the other part of me wants him to get run over by a school bus.

]

[gypsybird87]

I'm sorry you're in this difficult position. As others have said, closure rarely manifests in the way you are hoping for, especially when there are bad feelings. If it makes you feel any better, my most recent breakup was very peaceful and respectful, with shared pain and difficulty letting go on both sides, as well as shared acknowledgment of how good the relationship was.... and I *STILL* struggled to find closure. Breakups leave a part of you hurting; that's just the way it is no matter how gentle the parting.

 

My prior ending however was a divorce, and there was a lot of bad blood and hateful words (he cheated and left me for her). In that instance, I tried to view every negative exchange as validation that he was not a good person, and it was for the best that the relationship had ended because he is not someone I wanted to be with any longer. With that mindset, every thing he did, said, etc ... instead of being an internal "ouch" for me, became an internal "Yup, uh-huh... you really are an assh*le." Instead of wounds these things became validations, unscorings of the statement: I AM BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM. So maybe try adjusting your perspective into something like this, something more positive that works for you.

[abitbroken]

 

NOTE** closure in my mind is when both parties come together in a healed and loving space and acknowledge both of their contributions to the break up. and send each other off into the world from a positive place. The only closure I have now is that I hate him and he hates me and he never wants to be with me again or make contact.I feel the same way but more inclined towards mutual accountability and positive send off. Is this a pipe dream?

 

Help!

 

I have seen that happen in ZERO relationships.

[abitbroken]

BTW, the only reason i think getting closure from the other person is appropriate is if its really murky that you are broken up. If you are dating someone, its going well for 3 years and one day, they just don't answer your calls. And a week goes by, then two (and they aren't stationed in the military, nor do you have a relationship where you float in and out) - yes, an explanation is needed on what the heck's up if they consider themselves now broken up with you. But if you have a big fight and "let's break up" or "we are over" is said - well - you are over. There are no loose ends. That's it.

[Ms Darcy]

Closure is picturing him run over by that school bus.

 

Edit ... Wiseman beat me to it!

[Ms Darcy]

I have seen that happen in ZERO relationships.

 

I agree. I have had something somewhat like that, but it was one sided ... Because the dumpee didn't want the relationship to end.

[abitbroken]

I agree. I have had something somewhat like that, but it was one sided ... Because the dumpee didn't want the relationship to end.

 

But that comes in the realm of "begging and pleading"