Sexually Assaulted, was I raped?

[Seraphim]

Uh huh . Ok.

[Seraphim]

So here’s the $10 question. Can a woman consent to sex when she’s been drinking? Universities have decided that the answer is no. “We heard that students don’t understand that it is illegal to have sex with someone who is drunk because they can’t give consent,” says the Saint Mary’s task force report. Although that sentence is crafted to be gender-neutral, its warning is directed at men. It means that drunken sex is tantamount to rape.

 

Stated in the Globe and Mail about sexual assault on campuses.

[Doc Blaze]

That is for the defense to argue the prosecution if it would go to trial. Based on the law, the guy could be arrested for it.

 

law isn't black and white...

[lukeb]

So here’s the $10 question. Can a woman consent to sex when she’s been drinking? Universities have decided that the answer is no. “We heard that students don’t understand that it is illegal to have sex with someone who is drunk because they can’t give consent,” says the Saint Mary’s task force report. Although that sentence is crafted to be gender-neutral, its warning is directed at men. It means that drunken sex is tantamount to rape.

 

Stated in the Globe and Mail about sexual assault on campuses.

 

$50 question: Can a man consent to sex when he has been drinking? The answer is an overwhelming yes of course because we need to hold someone accountable.

 

There are a lot of ridiculous things coming out of universities nowadays. I think the current climate of not holding women accountable for anything they do to be unhealthy emotionally for women. I am not jealous of it. I am actually grateful that we (still) tend to hold men more accountable for the stuff we do.

[Cheetarah]

OP, go call the resources listed earlier in the thread. Forget this thread, okay? Just take the resources and use them. Almost every single "Was I raped?" thread devolves into this, so do not take it personally. I wonder, if how we used to have for the Suicide subforum(crisis numbers listed in a blurb on top), we could 1). Obviously reinstate that, with hotlines for the people who most typically post here(ex., USA, Canada, Australia, UK) and 2), do the same thing on this subforum...with relevant hotlines.

 

That'd be pretty good.

[Seraphim]

I realise the law seems sexist but it is STILL the law. And the law states INDIVIDUAL not woman . The difference is amazing amounts of men love drunk sex. Women not so much. So men are less likely to complain even though legally they have as much right as women to complain. Also too they feel ashamed if they complain as though they should like it.

 

What the law states a drunk person cannot consent.

[Seraphim]

OP, go call the resources listed earlier in the thread. Forget this thread, okay? Just take the resources and use them. Almost every single "Was I raped?" thread devolves into this, so do not take it personally. I wonder, if how we used to have for the Suicide subforum(crisis numbers listed in a blurb on top), we could 1). Obviously reinstate that, with hotlines for the people who most typically post here(ex., USA, Canada, Australia, UK) and 2), do the same thing on this subforum...with relevant hotlines.

 

That'd be pretty good.

Absolutely, it is the same dumb ass circus everytime on here. Ugh.

 

Get back to feeling well is where to start . Getting therapy really helped me learn to cope very well with my life after being raped.

[Doc Blaze]

yes legally you are correct....in a perfect Justice system

 

 

 

in the real world...not exactly. thats why not everyone wants just be dragged through the mud in these cases...rape cases are not pretty for anyone.

[Seraphim]

yes legally you are correct....in a perfect Justice system

 

 

 

in the real world...not exactly. thats why not everyone wants just be dragged through the mud in these cases...rape cases are not pretty for anyone.

Absolutely . I stood in court as a 14 year old to describe being sexually assaulted for 9 months by my uncle. My parents were not even allowed in the room. Whatever rights rape victims have now ( which is piss poor) was non existent then even for child victims. He even got to question me himself as he had no lawyer. Yeah.... That was fun.

 

I still have that court transcript.

[qwaspolk82]

You know how our criminal code works here?? Wow! You should practice law here then.

 

Did I say that? No I did not. YOU said you can't give consent if you're blacked out. You seemed to be talking in general medical terms not legal ones. Medically when you black out due to alcohol you are not always unconscious and you can make decisions but you just don't remember them. Legally might be different in Canada. But that isn't what it seemed like we were talking about when you said "You can't consent if you're unconscious or blacked out."

 

Sarcasm noted and unnecessary. Clarify what position you are talking from next time perhaps might make the discussion easier.

[qwaspolk82]

I realise the law seems sexist but it is STILL the law. And the law states INDIVIDUAL not woman . The difference is amazing amounts of men love drunk sex. Women not so much. So men are less likely to complain even though legally they have as much right as women to complain. Also too they feel ashamed if they complain as though they should like it.

 

What the law states a drunk person cannot consent.

 

You know this how? How do you know most women don't like drunk sex and most men do? Are you an expert on this? Have you done multiple studies on this topic? Where is your expertise in that comment?

 

The law in Canada is different than the law in the US. Also - as stated the law isn't black and white. A defense lawyer would eat her up and spit her back out in America if she reported it, he got arrested and it went to trial. They would go after her, her past, her sexual history and so on.

 

Also usually what happens it that if both parties are drunk and have sex, the man gets accused and arrested of rape. Technically if "drunk people can't consent" BOTH of them raped each other right? So they both should be victims and both rapists.

[qwaspolk82]

Here's the bottomline on this post: No one knows what happened except for that guy really. He's either lying or he's a complete douchebag who took advantage of someone potentially unconscious but extremely intoxicated. She already told him she didn't want sex. So that right there means hands off. Especially if she's intoxicated.

 

OP - take the resources given and get some help if you haven't. Also I would strongly suggest seeking help for your drinking and drug use. Those two together are a lethal combination to not just you, but anyone around you since you drove intoxicated. Stop doing pills and booze. Stay away from that douche. Get some help from a real counselor or therapist.

[lukeb]

You know this how? How do you know most women don't like drunk sex and most men do? Are you an expert on this? Have you done multiple studies on this topic? Where is your expertise in that comment?

 

The law in Canada is different than the law in the US. Also - as stated the law isn't black and white. A defense lawyer would eat her up and spit her back out in America if she reported it, he got arrested and it went to trial. They would go after her, her past, her sexual history and so on.

 

Also usually what happens it that if both parties are drunk and have sex, the man gets accused and arrested of rape. Technically if "drunk people can't consent" BOTH of them raped each other right? So they both should be victims and both rapists.

 

It is not true that the law states that if you are drunk you can't consent, that is just Victoria's interpretation. What the law say is if you are incapacitated because of alcohol or drugs you can't consent. I am sure it is much the same in the US.

[Seraphim]

OP, just look after yourself and your emotional state. That is paramount. The earlier you get help the better. I understand it hard to get through all the emotions. Find a counsellor you are comfortable with and heal. I am in your corner. ❤️

[Quidam]

Honestly I think the only outcome I would be comfortable with would be to have both arrested and lock up

 

1. It takes one stupid individual to abuse a girl ... At the same time you don't remember if you gave or not consent the only thing we Are certain of is that you are prone to make careless decisions (more on that later)

 

2. If you do report it and I hope its for the good reasons I certainly hope that you will be comfortable with the consequences of being charged with D.U.I. With drugs AND alcohol. I have lost a friend decades ago to a drunk driver and I don't read anything in your post that sounds or smell like any guilt for actually putting others into danger for god sake you don't even remember the drive for all we know you could learn that you killed someone on the way and don't even recall any memories.... Put that into perspective when you are judging all the course of action made during that night

[rachelnichole5]

I didn't make this most to be critizied for being careless. I didn't wreck my car. I didn't hit anything. I potentially could have, yes. But I didn't. And I thank god for that. I made this post get help understanding what the happened and how I should feel. Because honestly all I want to do is to drive my car into a brick wall, and make it my 9th suicide attempt in the last 6 years. I know I have a drinking problem. I know I shouldn't be doing drugs. I know I shouldn't mix them.

But on a side note. I take care of 4 children who aren't mine. One of which is 4 years old with brain cancer. (My mother also has incurable blood cancer) I work 12 hour days on night shift, to go home and be awake for 3 more hours watching the kids until someone in my family gets home to relieve me. I then wake up 3 hours before I need to be at work, to watch them again. Then I try to lay in bed and finally fall asleep, which 80% of the time doesn't happen right away. So I get about 4 or 5 hours of sleep a day. I have struggled with depression since I was 10. I've struggled with anxiety since I was 8. I'm not here for a pity party by any means. But I also didn't make this post for people to tell me how terrible I am and that basically I deserved what happened to me.

 

And that reason right there is why I didn't report him. I didn't tell anyone. I haven't been able to fully speak about it. I can't go an hour without wanting to vomit. I cry every second I'm alone. I literally want to rip every inch of my skin off. And all I get back from most of you is hateful replies about how terrible of a person I am.

 

You don't know me. If you've never been in a situation where you've been taken advantage of, or sexually assaulted, please do not be rude to me. I don't know you, and you don't know me.

 

I don't know what I regret more. Trusting someone who decided to assault me, or making a post I thought would comfort me but instead beat me down more than I already am.

[Zaphod]

Hmmm... this subject comes up quite a lot on here.

 

When I were a nipper, if you had sex with a drunk bird, it wasn't counted as rape, but you were kind of looked down upon as a bit of a creep. That is to say, if the only way you could have sex with her was if she was drunk.

 

However, sometimes a bird would get drunk and genuinely fancy you and genuinely want to have sex. So you had sex. I had sex with a drunk girl loads of times. And they had sex with me when I was drunk loads of times too. Rape didn't really come into the equation.

 

In those days if you were drunk and had sex then regretted it, it wasn't considered rape, simply a warning as to ones drinking habits.

 

I think there's a difference between having a couple of glasses of wine and being loosened up enough to want sex, and being slipped a mickey and incapable of coherent thought or speech and kind of falling asleep. The second one is rape. The first is an activity that people have been embarking on since the invention of alcoholic drinks.

 

It's certainly a very difficult subject. I mean, if I take a girl out and I have a glass of wine and she doesn't, then she asks me for sex and I have sex with her, can I then do her for rape? Seems a bit stupid. I mean, the jails would get full to breaking point within about a week.

 

In the OP's case though, what sticks with me is the fact that she texted him while sober to say specifically that she didn't want sex. Then he waited until she was drunk and had sex with her. That sounds pretty dodgy to me, could well count as rape, albeit a mild version.

 

Funny, decades back we used to consider rape as a violent act involving physical force with a victim that was repeatedly expressing lack of consent. Now, it seems to have changed into something one has to be very very careful with. Next time I have sex with a new woman, I will have to make sure to take her to a non alcoholic bar first. Perhaps a couple of fruit juices and some ryvita.

[Zaphod]

I made this post get help understanding what the happened and how I should feel.

 

A lesson in intoxication, I guess is how you should feel. This applies to sex, driving a car, anything you like. Get on with your life and realise that time will soften this blow. It sounds almost like you hate yourself for this as much as you do him. Well, we all make mistakes. You have to try and forgive yourself.

 

You could go down the rape route, but it'll be very difficult to make it stick. It'll also involve you reliving the experience in front of others which could be traumatic.

 

Question - did you use contraception? If not, then are you now pregnant?

[Capricorn3]

my 9th suicide attempt in the last 6 years. I know I have a drinking problem. I know I shouldn't be doing drugs. I know I shouldn't mix them.

 

But on a side note. I take care of 4 children who aren't mine. One of which is 4 years old with brain cancer.

I have struggled with depression since I was 10. I've struggled with anxiety since I was 8..

 

OP, you seriously NEED to seek professional counseling to help you with your very many issues. When reading the above, there is NOTHING strangers on the internet can help you with. ALL of the above issues are very very serious, in and of itself. Also, (and I am NOT bashing you, but), you really should NOT be taking care of 4 children, one being ill, when you have a drinking/drug problem. I cannot understand how that is allowed to happen.

 

* Depression.

 

* Anxiety.

 

* Suicide attempts.

 

* Drugs.

 

* Alcohol

 

ALL of the above need professional help. Please get the urgent help you need. The sooner the better.

[rachelnichole5]

Question - did you use contraception? If not, then are you now pregnant?

 

 

I have an IUD. So I am protected from getting pregnant. I will however soon be going to an OBGYN to make sure I'm not infected by anything, as I'm not sure he used protection.

[rachelnichole5]

OP, you seriously NEED to seek professional counseling to help you with your very many issues. When reading the above, there is NOTHING strangers on the internet can help you with. ALL of the above issues are very very serious, in and of itself. Also, (and I am NOT bashing you, but), you really should NOT be taking care of 4 children, one being ill, when you have a drinking/drug problem. I cannot understand how that is allowed to happen.

 

* Depression.

 

* Anxiety.

 

* Suicide attempts.

 

* Drugs.

 

* Alcohol

 

ALL of the above need professional help. Please get the urgent help you need. The sooner the better.

 

 

 

I'm on medication for my depression and anxiety. My suicide attempts aren't very often. And since she's been sick I haven't had any. Nor have I had thoughts of them until this happened.

She also finished chemo and radiation about 7 months ago. She goes back every 3 months for screening to make sure her cancer hasn't returned, she has to wait 10 years of clean screenings to be cancer free.

I don't have a "drug problem" every now and again I will pop a pill to calm down my anxiety.

I drink on the weekends when I'm not taking care of my nieces and nephews. And normally it's Friday after work and Saturday after all the kids are bathed and put to sleep. I leave and I don't come home until I'm sober. I am never around the children while under the influence of anything. They are my life and I would never ever put them in danger.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened to you. Your friend really betrayed you.

I have an IUD. So I am protected from getting pregnant. I will however soon be going to an OBGYN to make sure I'm not infected by anything, as I'm not sure he used protection.

[Zaphod]

When you say suicide attempt

 

I mean, you've tried it 9 times now. Surely all you have to do is jump off a cliff or run under a bus? I can tell you a thousand different sure-fire ways of killing yourself.

 

Strikes me you don't really want to die. Either that or you're very very bad at it. The suicide attempts are the old cliche cries for help/attention, and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

But stop making pathetic attempts at semi-suicide if you're not serious about it. Have you any idea how much this worries the people around you? Especially by the ninth time. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if to them this is becoming somewhat of a banality. Crying wolf. Perhaps a better approach might be to attempt to voice your feelings to a sympathetic ear.

[Zaphod]

I don't have a "drug problem"

 

Yes you do. The subject of this thread is about you being on drugs (alcohol counting as one of them) and then proceeding to drive and have sex with a guy you didn't want to have sex with. I'd say you have rather a large drug problem, as it goes. As in, when you do drugs, you get problems.

 

My suicide attempts aren't very often.

 

You make it sound like there's another one coming up at some point?

 

I am never around the children while under the influence of anything. They are my life and I would never ever put them in danger.

 

Do you not think that by killing yourself, either by some suicide "attempt" or by driving while under the influence this also puts these kids at danger? No one to care for them properly anymore? So yes, you would put them in danger. You already have done.

[Zaphod]

Ok, well in that case, OP I suggest you go and see a counsellor and seek therapy, and try and get some meds.