Feel like I'm being nagged.

[Hollyj]

If this is someone that you are considering a future with, I think that that may be important. Just my opinion.

[thornz]

If this is someone that you are considering a future with, I think that that may be important. Just my opinion.

 

His history in general, or if he proposed?

[Fudgie]

I remember your previous threads. It sound like he's nagging you. I wouldn't be snippy but I'd be very firm and straight with him: "I want to own my own place and live alone for a while before I move in with someone. By asking me repeatedly to move in with you and putting down my current plans, you are disrespecting my choice. Leave it be."

 

As for why he's so insistent, I don't know. Maybe it's because he's under a lot of pressure from family/friends to settle down? Maybe he thinks that having someone move in with him is more of a "guarantee" that the relationship won't fall apart because it's more "solid" than a separately-living relationship? I don't really know. I guess his motives don't really matter as much as the fact that he's not respecting your own choice. That needs to stop.

[pippy longstocking]

I could have sworn I wrote on here ...that after dinner marley must have been stronger then I thought ...

 

Now I can't remember what little pearls if wisdom I was going to tell you ...will read it again *sigh

[ParisPaulette]

I would simply tell him, "IF I have to say no to you one more time it will be the last time. You feel me?" And then if he brings it up again, simply do not say anything, stand up, gather your things, drive away, block and delete him. Send him one text, "You were told, we're done."

 

Otherwise this is what will happen. He will continue to ignore your boundaries, he will continue to push his own agenda. You need to do a serious background check on this guy, because my own take on it is no one nags someone like that and that quickly that doesn't have other serious red flag behaviors sitting in their background. Four months in he wants you to move in with him for some reason that has to do with control, not that he wants to share his life with you. Four months in, you barely know the guy and this is what he's showing you.

 

There are more red flags waiting once he's comfortable you'll give him control - of the controlling or worse kind.

 

You need to take the rose-colored glasses off. This is just his first step to see how much control you'll give him and what it does take to get you to give in. The job, the friends, the family, other points of independence that keep you able to walk away will all be next.

 

Sorry, I worked in a women's shelter for years. It is a giant red flag when someone wants to rush things instead of just taking the time to get to know you and moving in together is a massive decision, one that most adults understand.

[pippy longstocking]

Everything I was going to say or ask has been said and asked . I agree with everything ..this is a serious sign of life with him , I feel his desperation to get you to live with him is born out of incredible insecurity which sadly is huge red flag for a controlling person . I am not saying he is a bad , abusive person , he more than likely doesn't see half of what he is coming across like . his insecurities and need to have you contained almost in this little bubble he is creating . Tied to a home with him , every night , every plan he becomes involved in it all .

I agree who ever said he will move onto another form of manipulation once all this doesn't work , that's when you will see just what lengths he will go to and I have a feeling you will end up walking away , cos I have a feeling he is going to just not ever give up until you behind his four walls .

[thornz]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

 

I agree that somebody who is controlling isn't necessarily a bad person but it's certainly not a lifestyle I am interested in.

 

I decided to look up via various sources early warning signs of controlling behaviour and he matches a few very strongly, however he also opposes a few (the ones I would consider more definite indicators) very strongly as well. By his own admission he is a bit of a control freak, but so am I. I am certainly not controlling in relationships, only in regard to my own life. I very much like to have things go my own way.

 

Curiously the 'early warning signs' he matches very strongly are the same as the guy I originally moved in with very early and he wasn't at all controlling, just soft and actually very lovely, just had issues and I wasn't ready for commitment.

 

To be honest after my issues with my last relationship I am on high alert for any possible warning sign of issues. I don't think I have any rose tinted specs on.

As mentioned I did suspect that could be down to pressure from friends and family to settle down (again mentioned in prior threads how they go on about marriage and babies) and/or a hope that moving in would be a sign of commitment from me that I am serious after being "messed around". Also potentially that he just wants an extra income to move up the property ladder as he has also mentioned he is considering selling all his cars and buying a larger property with his sister.

 

I messaged him just asking how he felt our relationship was going and that I was curious as to why he seemed so set on me moving in with him.

 

He responded: "Just trying to help you de-stress. It will be good when you move into the room to rent thing. You will be a bit happier. You seem a bit distracted. I understand it's too soon."

 

Well my eyes are very much peeled. Guess I will be posting here more often to get feedback on particular things . .

[Hollyj]

His history in general, or if he proposed?

 

History, in general.

[ThatwasThen]

Its too soon to be thinking about giving up your independence. You're being smart and your gut is telling you to listen to your intuition. Just calmly shut down the discussion after telling him that you've already had this discussion and it's too soon to be co-habituating... then change the subject.

[Ms Darcy]

Wow! Don't know how to respond, since he completely disrespected your statement.

 

Hon, this an indicator of the future.

 

These are the sort of red flags people ignore and then lament about when the relationship falls apart later.

[thornz]

Yes maybe I ought to find out more about his history.

 

I'm very much aware of the red flags, not ignoring them by any means. We discussed it, he says he understands, hopefully that will be the last of it for some time!

[catfeeder]

Regardless of what else this guy brings to the table, he has really-really bad judgment. Moving in with someone only 4 months in is not a brilliant idea, even if he's not a nag.

 

I'd tell BF that I appreciate all the good things about him, but he'll need to quit the nagging before it outweighs the good stuff. Offer him a trade: he gets to pick one annoying thing that he'd like you to quit doing in exchange for him never raising the topic of your living situation again. Each time either of you does the annoying thing, he or she owes the other 20 bucks on the spot--no I.O.U's.

 

If BF doesn't view this as a reasonable challenge and won't quit the nagging, I'd quit him.

 

Four months is a reasonable time to assess whether someone's bad judgement is a dealbreaker.

[Ms Darcy]

These are the sort of red flags people ignore and then lament about when the relationship falls apart later.

 

Yellow or orange flags are for "wait and see." Red flags are for walking away.

[thornz]

Yellow or orange flags are for "wait and see." Red flags are for walking away.

 

If I walked away from every person who displayed red flag behaviour I would have not one friend. I genuinely mean that. Everybody has some undesirable qualities. I display certain behaviours that would be considered a red flag to most people. It doesn't make me abusive, or a bad friend.

 

Even my two closest friends from childhood I can think of red flags they exhibit off the top of my head. However, I couldn't hope better friends.

[thornz]

Regardless of what else this guy brings to the table, he has really-really bad judgment. Moving in with someone only 4 months in is not a brilliant idea, even if he's not a nag.

 

I'd tell BF that I appreciate all the good things about him, but he'll need to quit the nagging before it outweighs the good stuff. Offer him a trade: he gets to pick one annoying thing that he'd like you to quit doing in exchange for him never raising the topic of your living situation again. Each time either of you does the annoying thing, he or she owes the other 20 bucks on the spot--no I.O.U's.

 

If BF doesn't view this as a reasonable challenge and won't quit the nagging, I'd quit him.

 

Four months is a reasonable time to assess whether someone's bad judgement is a dealbreaker.

 

I'd agree that yes in some respects he has bad judgement, but in most respects he has good judgement.

 

He has told me he understands it's too early to move in, so maybe something clicked? If he asks/implies again that I move in with him soon I will end the conversation and ensure he knows anymore talk of it is not cool. If I hear about it again after that then I'll walk. Not going to be badgered!

[Ms Darcy]

If I walked away from every person who displayed red flag behaviour I would have not one friend. I genuinely mean that. Everybody has some undesirable qualities. I display certain behaviours that would be considered a red flag to most people. It doesn't make me abusive, or a bad friend.

 

Even my two closest friends from childhood I can think of red flags they exhibit off the top of my head. However, I couldn't hope better friends.

 

Friends are not potential partners. I speak of red flags in terms of romantic relationships. And if you stick around for red flags, perhaps you are too liberal with your definition of a red flag.

[Batya33]

I'd agree that yes in some respects he has bad judgement, but in most respects he has good judgement.

 

He has told me he understands it's too early to move in, so maybe something clicked? If he asks/implies again that I move in with him soon I will end the conversation and ensure he knows anymore talk of it is not cool. If I hear about it again after that then I'll walk. Not going to be badgered!

 

That's a very positive sign!

[thornz]

Friends are not potential partners. I speak of red flags in terms of romantic relationships. And if you stick around for red flags, perhaps you are too liberal with your definition of a red flag.

 

No they are not, but they can be abusive or a bad influence.

 

By red flag I mean an alert to (usually undesirable) behaviour that could potentially have serious implications for either yourself, the other party or both.

[thornz]

That's a very positive sign!

 

I hope so. Time will tell if he brings it up again or otherwise nags me in general.

[Ms Darcy]

No they are not, but they can be abusive or a bad influence.

 

By red flag I mean an alert to (usually undesirable) behaviour that could potentially have serious implications for either yourself, the other party or both.

 

Again, sort of a moot point about friends since we're talking about romantic relationships.

 

For me, what you are describing is more of a yellow orange flag. Stuff like: family and friends don't like him, he's insecure, or there's a lack of communication.

 

Red flags are dealbreakers to me. Like, he's abusive or controlling or cheating.

 

If you've got tons of red flags with a bf and are sticking around to see if things improve, it's a flag to me that you might need to improve your identification of what your boundaries and deal breakers are.

[thornz]

Again, sort of a moot point about friends since we're talking about romantic relationships.

 

For me, what you are describing is more of a yellow orange flag. Stuff like: family and friends don't like him, he's insecure, or there's a lack of communication.

 

Red flags are dealbreakers to me. Like, he's abusive or controlling or cheating.

 

If you've got tons of red flags with a bf and are sticking around to see if things improve, it's a flag to me that you might need to improve your identification of what your boundaries and deal breakers are.

 

My issue is that some of his behaviours indicate that he is potentially insecure and/or may become controlling or perhaps I am focusing a lot on certain behaviours due to surfacing baggage from my previous relationship.

 

I was unsure which was the case so I asked for advice to help me formulate my thoughts. Now that I have had feedback and been able to get clearer ideas in my head of what might be going on with this issue, I'm happy to test my theories.

 

There's no establishment that he is controlling or that he has lots of unsavoury behaviours, only that I'm suspicious of some types of behaviour he is exhibiting. Rightly so.

 

My sticking around is not to see if things improve, rather to establish whether the issue is mine or his and to ensure it is dealt with. If it turns out the problem is that he is simply controlling then that's not an issue I can deal with and i will leave.

 

Thanks for your replies, much appreciated!

[Ms Darcy]

I'm glad the discussion is helpful. It seems like the same discussion that was had two months ago though.

[thornz]

I'm glad the discussion is helpful. It seems like the same discussion that was had two months ago though.

 

Yes I took the advice not to spend so much time with him etc. He doesn't push me to spend lots of time there anymore, he actually just says that I'm welcome to come over if I want etc if he hasn't seen me for a few days.

 

This issue with him bringing up moving there keeps coming up though. I know he isn't happy with the fact that it's likely to be about 4/5/6 years before we would even live together if I buy my own place first.

[Batya33]

Yes I took the advice not to spend so much time with him etc. He doesn't push me to spend lots of time there anymore, he actually just says that I'm welcome to come over if I want etc if he hasn't seen me for a few days.

 

This issue with him bringing up moving there keeps coming up though. I know he isn't happy with the fact that it's likely to be about 4/5/6 years before we would even live together if I buy my own place first.

 

That sounds like a long time to date without being engaged or married -is that the ultimate goal? Living together is just about sharing physical space but do you really want to delay a stronger emotional commitment for another 4-6 years?

[thornz]

That sounds like a long time to date without being engaged or married -is that the ultimate goal? Living together is just about sharing physical space but do you really want to delay a stronger emotional commitment for another 4-6 years?

 

I think that's part of the issue. He is keen to get married some day and that's his purpose of dating, I'm keen to not date somebody perpetually. Realistically I think 3-5yrs is a good time frame to date, live together and marry. I'm not in a position to do that unless I can buy in the next year and his pushing the issue has me digging my heels in that I WILL have my own house and he will have to wait.

 

If my life had gone even remotely to plan I'd have finished my degree and bought my own house years ago and I would be free to take the next step when the time was right. But it didn't, so tough! Lol