Feel like I'm being nagged.

[Batya33]

Why is it so important to own a home? Is it more important than marriage and family? Why do you need to share physical space before you marry? I have never lived in a house or owned real property. I am 50, husband is 49. We are about to inherit a house and we likely will buy a house in the next few years but we didn't live together before marriage (or really with anyone else). Nothing wrong with prioritizing owning a home and as long as he knows that you won't commit more emotionally until you own real property then he is not being misled.

[thornz]

Why is it so important to own a home? Is it more important than marriage and family? Why do you need to share physical space before you marry? I have never lived in a house or owned real property. I am 50, husband is 49. We are about to inherit a house and we likely will buy a house in the next few years but we didn't live together before marriage (or really with anyone else). Nothing wrong with prioritizing owning a home and as long as he knows that you won't commit more emotionally until you own real property then he is not being misled.

 

It is one of my ambitions since childhood and I have spent enough on low quality rented accommodation to have bought my own home already. I really can't emphasise how much I HATE paying somebody when I could own a place for half the price and it would actually be in good shape and be mine! Renting is just throwing your money away! And suppose I want to retire? I can't afford that if I'm renting. Not a chance.

 

I don't feel it's necessary to live together beforemarriage, in fact I'd quite happily live separately after marriage if I was wealthy, he wants to live together before though. I'm not opposed to it, suppose you get married and cant stand living together? Then what?

 

There's lots of things to consider really, I have a degree to complete, a house to buy and I would love to foster, at least for a few years. We are at totally different places in life, he has owned his own home for 16 years, worked the same job for 15 and is in a higher position. All that's left for him is to find a wife and buy a big home together. I have much to do before I'm at that point.

[boltnrun]

If you want to buy a house, buy one! Don't give up your dream just because some guy you've dated for a few months thinks you should live with him instead.

 

I'm in my 50s and have never owned a home. One of my biggest regrets.

 

Live your dream! He will either be supportive or he'll try to get you to change your mind. If he's supportive, great!

[Batya33]

I don't think you 2 have compatible goals.

 

If I had lived with my husband before marriage it wouldn't have made a difference because three months after getting married we became parents. To me, living together with a newborn has no resemblance to living together as 2 adults -wouldn't have prepared us at all.

 

I would let him find someone who is at the same stage of life as he is.

[thornz]

I don't think you 2 have compatible goals.

 

If I had lived with my husband before marriage it wouldn't have made a difference because three months after getting married we became parents. To me, living together with a newborn has no resemblance to living together as 2 adults -wouldn't have prepared us at all.

 

I would let him find someone who is at the same stage of life as he is.

 

Neither of us want a baby so it would be a good test for us I think. It's not that we have different goals, many of our goals are very similar, we are certainly working to different time frames however, if he chose to leave me to be with somebody who wanted to get married and buy a house together within a few years then I wouldn't hold that against him. He deserves to be happy and if he feels that is dependent upon getting married and buying a big house soon then I'm not the one.

[Batya33]

Neither of us want a baby so it would be a good test for us I think. It's not that we have different goals, many of our goals are very similar, we are certainly working to different time frames however, if he chose to leave me to be with somebody who wanted to get married and buy a house together within a few years then I wouldn't hold that against him. He deserves to be happy and if he feels that is dependent upon getting married and buying a big house soon then I'm not the one.

 

You are right -I meant time frames but time frames can be significant. I would not have started dating any guy who didn't want to get married/have a baby in the near future even if his goal was to have a baby 5 years down the road. Timing can be everything.

[thornz]

You are right -I meant time frames but time frames can be significant. I would not have started dating any guy who didn't want to get married/have a baby in the near future even if his goal was to have a baby 5 years down the road. Timing can be everything.

 

Should I discuss this with him? I don't really know what his time line is, just speculation. I don't have a particular time frame in mind, just if it feels right and you've known each other a reasonable time to ensure you're on the same page then go for it. Who knows when the time will feel right for me?

[Batya33]

Should I discuss this with him? I don't really know what his time line is, just speculation. I don't have a particular time frame in mind, just if it feels right and you've known each other a reasonable time to ensure you're on the same page then go for it. Who knows when the time will feel right for me?

 

I'm confused - a few posts up you wrote about a 4-6 year time frame where his is far more immediate. Has that changed in the last day or so? If you're in a "who knows when the time will feel right for me" and he does know that it feels right for him very soon then yes I would talk with him ASAP - it's been four months and in a few months you'll be at that point where many adults are getting far more serious about each other in typical relationship stages.

[thornz]

I'm confused - a few posts up you wrote about a 4-6 year time frame where his is far more immediate. Has that changed in the last day or so? If you're in a "who knows when the time will feel right for me" and he does know that it feels right for him very soon then yes I would talk with him ASAP - it's been four months and in a few months you'll be at that point where many adults are getting far more serious about each other in typical relationship stages.

 

That time frame is for being in a position to begin to consider buying a house with him. Which is my preference if l were to get married ( even if I have my own house additionally). I can't predict if I'll want to marry him, if it doesn't feel right I won't. If he can predict who he wants to marry then good for him but I find it a little odd. I'm not a massive believer in all this love at first sight and "when you know you know" stuff. His timeline is based on speculation, I could be wrong.

 

It might feel right in a year for all I know. Or I might not get there with him, but if I don't it's because he's not the right man, not because I have an aversion to marriage within 3 years. I just don't feel in any rush.

[Batya33]

That time frame is for being in a position to begin to consider buying a house with him. Which is my preference if l were to get married ( even if I have my own house additionally). I can't predict if I'll want to marry him, if it doesn't feel right I won't. If he can predict who he wants to marry then good for him but I find it a little odd. I'm not a massive believer in all this love at first sight and "when you know you know" stuff. His timeline is based on speculation, I could be wrong.

 

It might feel right in a year for all I know. Or I might not get there with him, but if I don't it's because he's not the right man, not because I have an aversion to marriage within 3 years. I just don't feel in any rush.

 

You can predict -as you have done with your other goals - whether you'd like to be married in one year, in 3, in five, in 10. You can decide your time frame as in "if I'm not sure I want to marry him after dating __ amount of time I'll move on."

 

If it's tied to buying real property then tell him that. He deserves to know your conditions.

[bluestar]

It's not completely negative that he wants to move it-it shows he wants to stay and become closer. I would say can we agree to revisit this in 6 months, and not discuss it in the meantime. It shows that you're being more flexible than just buying a house on your own, and also gives you some time to see how the relationship develops.

[SkellyWoozle]

No, no, no! He's a control freak who can't take no for an answer. I dread to think what he'd be like if you did move in with him. Get your own place, do your own thing and see what happens. You never know, your thoughts might even change about being with him once you're free to do as you choose in your own space. Good luck X

[thornz]

You can predict -as you have done with your other goals - whether you'd like to be married in one year, in 3, in five, in 10. You can decide your time frame as in "if I'm not sure I want to marry him after dating __ amount of time I'll move on."

 

If it's tied to buying real property then tell him that. He deserves to know your conditions.

 

Yes, I have no timescale for when I want to be married, rather I have a timescale for how long I wish to date before marriage.

 

I think 3 years is long enough to know if you wish to marry someone but it's not unwise to live together beforehand for at least a year before getting engaged. Based on that I would like to move in after two years, be engaged within another two years and be married in 5 years max.

 

I would assume after dating someone 4/5 years, that they had no intention of getting married (to me at least).

 

I have thought about this a while now after our discussions and concluded that I would struggle to buy and live in my house for a period long enough to justify buying it, if we wanted to move in together and marry.

 

I'm now considering buying to let. I still achieve my personal goal of owning my first house without compromising my relationship goals. If the relationship fails I still have my house. Happy days!

[Batya33]

It's good that you're honest with yourself that owning a home is more important to you than having a long term romantic relationship.

[thornz]

It's not completely negative that he wants to move it-it shows he wants to stay and become closer. I would say can we agree to revisit this in 6 months, and not discuss it in the meantime. It shows that you're being more flexible than just buying a house on your own, and also gives you some time to see how the relationship develops.

 

We recently had a serious discussion in which he admitted that it is too early to move in together as "it's just the honeymoon phase" but although I'm younger than him he's not willing to "amble along" as he's "getting too old for that ."

 

I am actually curious to know what time frame he is working to. He has mentioned a few times that he intends to rent out his house after a holiday next year, which i (perhaps wrongly) assumed meant he had totally put off the idea of moving in together for now. He has mentioned a few different things and looking back now I think he was testing waters for a response. I never do respond to this stuff though.

 

More talks are required to understand each other's goals. I'm totally oblivious to hints.

[thornz]

No, no, no! He's a control freak who can't take no for an answer. I dread to think what he'd be like if you did move in with him. Get your own place, do your own thing and see what happens. You never know, your thoughts might even change about being with him once you're free to do as you choose in your own space. Good luck X

 

We're both control freaks. He's generally quick to compromise if he realises something is important to me. There comes a point though where you differ on a subject you each find important.

 

Thanks. I might need it haa x

[thornz]

It's good that you're honest with yourself that owning a home is more important to you than having a long term romantic relationship.

 

Marginally. I don't see why I can't have both!

[boltnrun]

Marginally. I don't see why I can't have both!

 

You absolutely can have both. I can't see why one would eliminate the other.

[Batya33]

Marginally. I don't see why I can't have both!

 

Of course you can! I was referring to your priorities -so you have written that given a choice, you are going to first prioritize buying a house and that that will mean delaying marriage-sounds like by a few years. Some men will be fine with that, others will not. For me, for example, that order of priorities would have been a dealbreaker as I didn't have years to wait (after age 28 or so) to get married and especially not because of a desire for home ownership. Nothing wrong with ordering your priorities that way and nothing wrong with it not being compatible with someone else's priorities. You can have both with a man who either has the same priorities or is willing to compromise and wait for marriage so that you can first fulfill your goal of home ownership.

 

Similarly, you have a timescale as to how long you wish to date before marriage, and you think you should live together first. Some men will be ok with that, others will not.

 

I don't think hinting around about marriage and goals is a good idea in a serious relationship. With my husband and me, we had our discussion in about 5 minutes or less when we decided to get back together and date long distance (we had dated in the past). The conversation consisted of quickly agreeing that our goal in getting back together was to see if we should be married, and we both knew that the other wanted to start a family sooner rather than later. We also knew that I would be ok with relocating, within reason as to location. No hinting -just a simple, quick, straightforward discussion.

[itsallgrand]

What's the age difference here? Honestly sounds like he is done setting up shop for himself and would be happy for a woman to just slip right into that. You are just setting up your life for yourself and don't want a relationship endangering that again.

 

Yup you two need to sit down and have the straight up talk where you exchange info about life goals and when you each plan for those to happen.

 

Besides that though, are you compatible as a team? I've just read a small blurb online from you, and can tell how important being independent and having your own footing is to you. And yet the guy you've been seeing totally ignored that in pushing for a quick move in while you were financially and otherwise vulnerable. Does he 'get it'? More than get it, will he be someone who stands by your side as a teammate and encourage and support you in who you are?

[Batya33]

What's the age difference here? Honestly sounds like he is done setting up shop for himself and would be happy for a woman to just slip right into that. You are just setting up your life for yourself and don't want a relationship endangering that again.

 

Yup you two need to sit down and have the straight up talk where you exchange info about life goals and when you each plan for those to happen.

 

Besides that though, are you compatible as a team? I've just read a small blurb online from you, and can tell how important being independent and having your own footing is to you. And yet the guy you've been seeing totally ignored that in pushing for a quick move in while you were financially and otherwise vulnerable. Does he 'get it'? More than get it, will he be someone who stands by your side as a teammate and encourage and support you in who you are?

 

That's the sense I get to - not just about wanting a house and marriage but the reasons why the timing is at the level of importance it is to her - that marriage is somehow inconsistent with being independent as a broad concept, rather than just inconsistent with being single. With this guy, the former might be true -maybe that is what the OP is sensing - but it doesn't need to be.

[thornz]

Of course you can! I was referring to your priorities -so you have written that given a choice, you are going to first prioritize buying a house and that that will mean delaying marriage-sounds like by a few years. Some men will be fine with that, others will not. For me, for example, that order of priorities would have been a dealbreaker as I didn't have years to wait (after age 28 or so) to get married and especially not because of a desire for home ownership. Nothing wrong with ordering your priorities that way and nothing wrong with it not being compatible with someone else's priorities. You can have both with a man who either has the same priorities or is willing to compromise and wait for marriage so that you can first fulfill your goal of home ownership.

 

Similarly, you have a timescale as to how long you wish to date before marriage, and you think you should live together first. Some men will be ok with that, others will not.

 

I don't think hinting around about marriage and goals is a good idea in a serious relationship. With my husband and me, we had our discussion in about 5 minutes or less when we decided to get back together and date long distance (we had dated in the past). The conversation consisted of quickly agreeing that our goal in getting back together was to see if we should be married, and we both knew that the other wanted to start a family sooner rather than later. We also knew that I would be ok with relocating, within reason as to location. No hinting -just a simple, quick, straightforward discussion.

 

I have since written that I have considered alternative means of home ownership that would reduce the timescale entirely, as I realised that to buy would likely increase it to beyond an acceptable timescale to me. By buying to let I have no real need to live in my property and we could live together as soon as we felt ready.

 

He wants to live together more than I do. I honestly don't know anybody under the age of 50 who got married without first living with their partner.

 

No it's not. If you want a serious relationship you ought to find out if you're on the same page quickly. We discussed marriage, children and basic life goals (type of house etc) within an hour of meeting on our first date. It's briefly been mentioned a few times since for example I voiced concerns about ever getting married due to my desire to foster but not to have my own children. However timescales haven't been discussed. He might want to be married by 40 for all I know.

 

I will discuss it with him this weekend.

[thornz]

What's the age difference here? Honestly sounds like he is done setting up shop for himself and would be happy for a woman to just slip right into that. You are just setting up your life for yourself and don't want a relationship endangering that again.

 

Yup you two need to sit down and have the straight up talk where you exchange info about life goals and when you each plan for those to happen.

 

Besides that though, are you compatible as a team? I've just read a small blurb online from you, and can tell how important being independent and having your own footing is to you. And yet the guy you've been seeing totally ignored that in pushing for a quick move in while you were financially and otherwise vulnerable. Does he 'get it'? More than get it, will he be someone who stands by your side as a teammate and encourage and support you in who you are?

 

9 years. But he has owned his home for 16 years, had his own business, travelled a lot, is very stable, strong social circle.

 

I haven't owned a home, finished my degree, worked for myself, travelled much or developed much of a social circle since relocating. These are things I'm working towards and tbh something has to give as I'm unlikely to reach all these goals if I'm realistic.

 

He is at a place I'm aiming for myself, which is a huge part of the attraction I suppose, but perhaps like him when I got to that place I might only wish to complete my life with a partner.

 

Unfortunately I think to just expect to find a woman who will just slip into his life without compromise is a bit unrealistic. We all have our own dreams and he might be asking too much to find a woman who will just appear and go along with all that he wants without requiring anything for herself. Some do it that way but it's atypical I think.

 

Anyway, as required I told him I would like to discuss some things properly with him this weekend about moving in together etc. He agreed. Maybe we will find that we won't work out?

[thornz]

And yes it's all grand, what use is a husband who doesn't support you and push you to achieve your full potential?

[Batya33]

And yes it's all grand, what use is a husband who doesn't support you and push you to achieve your full potential?

 

I don't think it's a spouse's role to "push" the other spouse to achieve her/his full potential -even a parent is limited in the ability to push.

 

My husband and I are 50 and 49 -we married in our early 40s. We never lived with anyone or with each other before getting married. We each "almost" lived with each other and with others but never in a situation where we gave up our own place to live to live with someone else.

 

Hope the discussion goes well!