need some advice please

[Hazel2345]

I am needing a little advice. I split with my boyfriend about a month ago and tried online dating. I started speaking to someone who seems really intense. Never met as he lives a little further away, he texts a lot, sends photos etc but he's persistant in making sure i'm definitely interested. He then said to me the other night that he felt that when i was still online, that i wasn't keen on him and looking for others, i then had to explain the whole point of online dating, or dating in general..we're not together, officially, have never met so why is it any of his business what i do?

 

My ex was a bit controlling, the day i told him i wanted the night off for a bit of time to myself, he told me to go f*ck myself and tried to dump me. He also ended the relationship after a year of telling me to trust him entirely, that he'd never leave and that i should be 100% comfortable..so, i wanted to go online dating to just see how things go with somone else, keep it casual, no commitment as i feel like i need to take time out for MYSELF for a change..

 

I wonder, what are the signs i should be looking out for with controlling men? I seem to attract them and it is becoming a big problem...even with this guy, he's already making me feel like i can't do anything so i'm away to end contact. I'm being questioned about my feelings, about what im doing online, he doesn't respect that i need to get rest or that im busy with other things(if i don't text him back, he's sending numerous texts, accusing me of not being interested or just question marks, like 5 texts in an hour saying hey or ? etc)

 

Wouldn't mind some advice? I'm thinking of giving up on dating for a year to allow myself time to breathe!! What are some early signs of these kinds of guys?

[SherrySher]

The man you are speaking with now is controlling.

He sounds like he has a low self esteem (one reason why people are controlling) but this is not normal behavior to be pushing you this early to explain yourself and your feelings all the time like this...trust me, it will only get worse, not better.

 

The early signs in my opinion, would be asking where you've been, who you've been with, what your feelings are for them, demanding attention when they want, acting sulky when they don't get that attention when they want, using manipulation tactics, making you feel guilty or bad...no doubt there are more. But if you notice any of these behaviors early on..you can bet that you're in for much worse if you remain with a person like this.

[charity]

Once I read 'intense' it's enough of a warning sign to turn me off

[greta96]

This guy is definitely controlling, it's clear as day!

And with people like this you don't know how far it goes, some are also abusive, at least emotionally if not physically as well, and since he's just a guy you met online and not even in person yet, why stick around and find out? There are tons of guys on those sites, so you can allow yourself to be very choosy. You saw enough red flags to send you running, now heed them and end this communication before you meet him in person, as it's going to be even more difficult to do so afterwards.

 

I 'met' one of these guys a few years ago, luckily not in person yet but we were going to meet within days. I had a lot of free time on my hands back then and without realizing, I kept replying to his messages often. Then one night I had a show I wanted to watch on TV and didn't reply right away, and omg, he basically bombarded me with messages, accusations, etc. Scared the crap out of me lol. I told him I wasn't interested in anyone this intense, and that I wanted to have space to breathe so we wouldn't work out, and he kept sending tons of messages for days afterwards, begging, pleading, until I blocked him. I thanked my lucky stars I hadn't met him in person, and I was really scared for a while that he would be able to find me, based on the picture and very few details he had about me.

 

This is why I'm telling you....pass on this guy. Red flags galore, don't even explain anything to him, just block him and move on. Online dating is the gift that keeps giving, you never run out of options lol.

[alabamamama]

Having a life is usually rather obvious.

I mean, for a sign of not being a wack-job.

 

It's nice to get a lot of attention - but when a guy keeps texting you constantly, while you've never met before, it's a clear sign of not having a life. And that's always a problem. Try to keep your distance, never give out your personal details (phone number, emails, or even facebook info) early on, try to at least get a feeling of what the person is like, first.

 

Hope this guy is only the beginning of your journey where you'll meet many perfectly sane and free, loving people.

[Sazkaz]

Go with your gut instinct. If it's telling you something's not right, listen to it.

[billfever]

Considering you barely know this guy and have never met it's safe to say he is very controlling/intense. Clingy/needy behavior can be a sign of low self esteem. Whatever the reason is it is not good. I was too needy and it drove someone away from me-rightfully so. Texting, calling all the time never goes over well. You two are not in a relationship so there is no reason for him to even question what you are doing or if you are dating. If you want to take time off from dating that is fine but there are decent people out there. Go with your instincts.

[James516]

It is great that you recognize the signs of a controlling lunatic and you do not want to be caught up in that situation again. That is a huge step. The next thing is to not put up with any signs of it. The reason you would attract the controlling types is that you don't run away screaming the moment a stranger you just met is "intense", already quesytioning you, wanting accountability, etc. Most people would ditch this guy quick. When you put up with it, the guy will see it as a sign of weakness that you can be controlled and will put up with their crap. Persistence is not a sign of interest when it is intense or questioning your behavior, it is a sign to stop all contact with that person immediatly. That's how you will stop attrracting that type.

[Wiseman2]

The best thing to do is go slowly in general, but not when it comes to meeting. This is to avoid scammers, catfish, married people and time-wasters. For example becoming exclusive with someone you never met is obviously ridiculous. Stop talking to this weirdo asap.

 

They can't control unless you let them by being desperate or a doormat or having poor boundaries.etc. Move on at the first sign of creepy behavior.

he's already making me feel like i can't do anything so i'm away to end contact. I'm being questioned about my feelings, about what im doing online.

[TiredOfDating]

I am needing a little advice. I split with my boyfriend about a month ago and tried online dating. I started speaking to someone who seems really intense. Never met as he lives a little further away, he texts a lot, sends photos etc but he's persistant in making sure i'm definitely interested. He then said to me the other night that he felt that when i was still online, that i wasn't keen on him and looking for others, i then had to explain the whole point of online dating, or dating in general..we're not together, officially, have never met so why is it any of his business what i do?

 

My ex was a bit controlling, the day i told him i wanted the night off for a bit of time to myself, he told me to go f*ck myself and tried to dump me. He also ended the relationship after a year of telling me to trust him entirely, that he'd never leave and that i should be 100% comfortable..so, i wanted to go online dating to just see how things go with somone else, keep it casual, no commitment as i feel like i need to take time out for MYSELF for a change..

 

I wonder, what are the signs i should be looking out for with controlling men? I seem to attract them and it is becoming a big problem...even with this guy, he's already making me feel like i can't do anything so i'm away to end contact. I'm being questioned about my feelings, about what im doing online, he doesn't respect that i need to get rest or that im busy with other things(if i don't text him back, he's sending numerous texts, accusing me of not being interested or just question marks, like 5 texts in an hour saying hey or ? etc)

 

Wouldn't mind some advice? I'm thinking of giving up on dating for a year to allow myself time to breathe!! What are some early signs of these kinds of guys?

 

this dude is definitely being controlling. he should not be making any sorts of comments to you about your activity on the dating site at this point. I've been out with one guy twice, and we are meeting again tomorrow, and I wouldn't even try to put limitations on him. Your guy is throwing MAJOR red flags.

 

controlling/abusive guys tend to want to push the relationship quickly. They want things to move fast. If it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. If he's professing his love after just a few weeks, RUN. Sometimes they'll give you "gifts" that actually end up allowing them to have more control over you.

 

A lot of what I've run into, especially since I have a child, the guys want to be the center of YOUR attention, but don't show the same respect. One guy had a son about the same age as mine, not to mention, I was in the middle of moving, and he was demanding to speak on the phone. He texted me one evening and I told him I was with my sister picking up my new furniture, and he called me anyway, and then when I didn't answer because I was busy, he texted to say "I get the feeling you aren't into this". No, dude. just chill.

[kamurj]

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