Got too close to a coworker who already has a girlfriend.

[Sarahjb]

I met a guy at work and it was instant attraction. We clicked straight away. We had so much in common and it was a really strong connection. He asked for my number and made it seem like it was because he wanted to ask me stuff about work but he would text me constantly from first thing in the morning to last thing at night everyday.

 

I started looking him up on social media sites and that's when I seen that he was in a relationship. I was surprised because we talk so much and he never brought it up once. At this point all our conversations seemed pretty innocent so I wasn't going to ask him about it.

 

I wanted to distance myself from him at work. The last thing I wanted to do was be involved with a guy in a relationship and I'd like to think I'm not that type of person but this was harder than I thought because the feelings were already there .

 

We started getting even closer he would buy me lunch everyday in work. He would get into arguments with other coworkers to make sure our lunch hour was at the same time. We drove to and from work together everyday and each day took a turn of driving there. Somtimes outside of work we would go for a bite to eat , if I was having a bad day he'd ask to take me on a drive to clear my head. He would text me things like "as a friend to a friend I just want to tell you that you are absolutely beautiful" "I wish there was more girls like you, you're so laid back and not touched by life" . He would even text me while we were in work saying "your waist is tiny". He even suggested that we should go on a vacation together. He still never brought up the fact he had a girlfriend . I didn't wanna bring it up I was waiting for him to say it but it was really annoying me so I had to especially because he told me he really liked me.

 

When i asked him he said yes he did have a girlfriend but things haven't been right between them for awhile ect.

One day in work I asked him did he want to come to my place after work he said yes and winked at me saying "I'll be seeing you later".

That day in work I gave it a lot of thought and changed my mind by the end of the shift because I didn't want to be that girl so I said my friend actually needed me for something.

 

After that I distanced myself from him and he kept asking me what was wrong so I eventually told him I didn't want him to come over that night because I didn't want him to cheat on his girlfriend. Now this is where it gets interesting he told me that he was never going to cheat and that he was only coming to mine as a friend. He was coming to my place at 10 of clock in the night to drink as friends? Wow just wow making me feel like a complete idiot when we both well knew what would happen and he's acting like this is all in my head ? Can you believe this guy? He's acting so surprised like it's crazy that I would think that

[j.man]

He's been shady with all kinds of boundaries while having a girlfriend and was willing to have late night drinks with you at your house and you're surprised he wasn't above putting it all on you? You knew he wasn't exactly a class act. Being that you were the one who actually invited him over, it's hard to feel to sorry for you. And part of me wonders if the invite and recant wasn't actually a game intended to open a conversation that would lead to something and you're actually more upset it didn't go as planned.

 

Hope things aren't too awkward at work now.

[Sarahjb]

No I liked him and yeah I was tempted. I'm only human but if I was trying to open up the conversation I wouldn't of avoided talking to him at all for 2 weeks after that day. It was only because he was pushing me and asking what did he do wrong and why wasn't I talking to him. That's when I brought it up

[tracyis300]

Well there's no denying that he got up inside your head by being sensitive to your feelings. But to go through all that without him telling you about his relationship should have had you to back off him completely before the invite.

Him being in denial is just another mind game, and now that he knows the interest is there? He will try to make something happen and will do it by telling you things that will make you feel that it's ok to happen. But to keep it short? He's playing you.

You should ether distance yourself and keep it professional in a friendly matter or continue with the interest until you know that he isn't playing you.

[greta96]

Actually, it's you I can't believe. You accepted all his advances knowing full well that he had a girlfriend, you even asked him over to your place at night! You may not want to be 'that person', but you are, even though you backed out at the last minute. You led him on and let him believe you didn't know about him being in a relationship, just because you wanted to enjoy his attentions a little longer. Then when you finally realized you were not going to be more than the side dish if you went ahead with your plan, you backed out because you don't want to be a side dish (I give you props for that!).

 

Get both your feet on the ground and take a good look at what he's doing, because if you are unlucky enough to 'score' this guy (aka his girlfriend finds out what he's doing with you and probably other women too and dumps him) this is going to be your future.

 

It's really not that difficult to say NO. To texting all day, to hanging out one on one, to everything you've been doing with this cheater. His 'compliments' are not something you should be proud of, they were just lame attempts on his part to cheat on his girlfriend; take everything he said with a big grain of salt.

 

In the future, please stay away from men when you know they are not available. I know it's not your duty to protect the girlfriends, but it is your duty to protect yourself and do your best not to become the side dish. Surely you know you can do better?

 

There is no need to come up with imaginary excuses for why you don't want to have his over to your place. Why blame an imaginary friend, instead of telling him straight up "I am not anyone's side dish and I do not want to partake in anything inappropriate, that will hurt another person". He may make it out to sound like it was all in your head, but you know and we all know what he was doing and why. Don't let him mess with your head. See him for what he is, and steer clear of him. Feelings for this type of guy are just a waste of energy.

[SherrySher]

I think you were both playing games. You knew he had a girlfriend and yet kept on with all of it. He knew he had a girlfriend and yet definitely has the cheater side in him.

This was never going to turn into anything but drama and something unhealthy.

[Wiseman2]

Cheaters often do complain about their so and are as flattering and seductive as possible with the person they want to cheat with. Why are you inviting a coworker with a gf to your place?

he did have a girlfriend but things haven't been right between them for awhile ect.

[Gary Snyder]

You are very smart not to mess with a man who has a girlfriend (and possible cheater).

[Sarahjb]

Yes I invited him and then I uninvited him because it was wrong. It's easy for everyone to say I shouldn't ofeel done this or that but I think it's always easier to look into a situation from the outside and say what you would've done differently. But when you're actually caught up in the moment it makes it harder when there's such strong attraction ect somtimes I'd let myself forget he had a gf. In normal circumstances I would just cut contact straight away but it's harder in work when you see each other everyday and become closer. If he was married or had kids I definitely wouldn't cross that line . But I think people meet people they like more all the time and leave the person that's just life. I know what he is now and I wasn't looking for advice on what to do. I already know that's a complete no go I'm just ranting.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, he was irresistibly attentive and seductive toward you because that's how players are, but good you cut him off after the gf bomb.

Yes I invited him and then I uninvited him because it was wrong.

[Snny]

When i asked him he said yes he did have a girlfriend but things haven't been right between them for awhile ect

Classic Cheater trait. "It's not me!! It's my partner!!" They never want to accept any accountablilty for their actions and blame their unhappiness on their partner. They play the victim to justify their cheating. A relationship is a two way street- if it's going sour he needs to leave the relationship, not flirt with other women.

 

You are smarter than to fall for this. He lied to you when he didn't tell you about his girlfriend. He thought you were stupid and is now playing Daddy Cool to not let it escalate and save face. He's a selfish pig.

 

I eventually told him I didn't want him to come over that night because I didn't want him to cheat on his girlfriend.

...

he told me that he was never going to cheat and that he was only coming to mine as a friend

Now he's changed his game to playing the friendzone. Quite the persistent cheater. He wants YOU to make the move so he could blame YOU if he ever gets caught cheating. He has already proven to you by blaming his girlfriend for his unhappiness in their relationship (and he's Sooooo Blameless!!)

 

This will end in a disaster for you. And this is where you work. Not fun, is it?

 

 

Also, Girl please. You know better than to invite a taken man to your place without his girlfriend/fiancée/wife at 10 pm. You know that's not appropriate. So sorry, you're now just as guilty for this.

 

Lie low and stop talking to this man. Be civil and professional at work if you ever have to interact with him. Block his number. Do not let him buy you lunch or any gifts, or allow him hang out with you anymore. Talk to your supervisor into switch your lunch shift so you and him aren't having lunch together. Find somebody who is available, not a scumbag like this guy.

[youareworthy]

You led him on and let him believe you didn't know about him being in a relationship, just because you wanted to enjoy his attentions a little longer. Then when you finally realized you were not going to be more than the side dish if you went ahead with your plan, you backed out because you don't want to be a side dish (I give you props for that!).

 

His 'compliments' are not something you should be proud of, they were just lame attempts on his part to cheat on his girlfriend; take everything he said with a big grain of salt.

 

See him for what he is, and steer clear of him. Feelings for this type of guy are just a waste of energy.

 

Classic Cheater trait. "It's not me!! It's my partner!!" They never want to accept any accountability for their actions and blame their unhappiness on their partner. They play the victim to justify their cheating. A relationship is a two way street- if it's going sour he needs to leave the relationship, not flirt with other women.

 

You are smarter than to fall for this. He lied to you when he didn't tell you about his girlfriend. He thought you were stupid and is now playing Daddy Cool to not let it escalate and save face. He's a selfish pig.

 

Now he's changed his game to playing the friend zone. Quite the persistent cheater. He wants YOU to make the move so he could blame YOU if he ever gets caught cheating. He has already proven to you by blaming his girlfriend for his unhappiness in their relationship (and he's Sooooo Blameless!!).

 

This will end in a disaster for you. And this is where you work. Not fun, is it?

 

Lie low and stop talking to this man. Be civil and professional at work if you ever have to interact with him. Find somebody who is available, not a scumbag like this guy.

 

Well said. I agree with you two. I learned these lessons the hard way...

[TheRawTruth]

How long had you guys been texting/talking at work before you checked his social media accounts and found out he had a gf? I ask this because you said "By then the feelings were already there" and you couldn't stop the communication. But then once he ADMITTED to having a gf (and after you changed your mind about him coming over) you managed to ignore him EASILY. So if you couldn't cut off communication in the EARLY part of you knowing him (I'm guessing the first week or so) how were you able to become so distant after weeks of spending TIME together? Wouldn't that be HARDER? (My point is, if you could do it once the feelings GREW, you could have done it sooner.)

 

Now, it's possible that this guy's relationship "isn't going so well." But it's obviously going well enough for him to STAY WITH HER. So it can't be TOO bad.

 

The truth is, you cancelling on him before your scheduled meetup allowed him to tell you he wouldn't have cheated with you had he come over. But what if he HAD come over? What if you DIDN'T change your mind? Then you would have known for SURE what his intentions were.

 

In any case, it sounds like you've made up your mind to stay away from him, and he now knows what your problem is. So I'm not sure what advice you're looking for. What exactly are you asking us?