She wants to take a step back for "right now"

[MovieGuy18]

Right now, I am just seeing how she helps herself and betters herself. I am here for her as a "friend" right now. She knows I'm here to listen and help anyway I can and I have helped her with something's that she needed assistance with, but I also know that I can't help her with everything and offer my help all of the time or I am being a doormat. In some ways, I see some improvement in her mood and overall attitude, but I guess time will tell.

[abitbroken]

Right now, I am just seeing how she helps herself and betters herself. I am here for her as a "friend" right now. She knows I'm here to listen and help anyway I can and I have helped her with something's that she needed assistance with, but I also know that I can't help her with everything and offer my help all of the time or I am being a doormat. In some ways, I see some improvement in her mood and overall attitude, but I guess time will tell.

 

You are not, nor should be, her therapist. Do not "help" her. Step out of her life as much as you can - everything except work.

[PICCOLLO]

Theres no workable outcome here that ends well, at least in the short term. You care about her and are perhaps too lonely to let her go. Thats left you in a state of limbo you arent happy with, hoping things will eventually evolve into the relationship youre looking for.

 

I can tell you right now that 'being there for her' seems right in principle but its going to leave you in a pretty bad place for the future. The signs indicate you're in for a lot of pain. Theres nothing wrong with staying in contact but you need to take a big step away here. Supporting her doesnt mean she'll see how much she needs and wants you. Shes been very honest with you; acknowledge the red flags and pursue someone ready for a relationship who doesnt steal stuff.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[MovieGuy18]

Hey everyone. Figured I would give a follow up.

 

Her and I broke up a few days ago, I told her that I honestly have strong feelings for her and cannot be friends and I told her to call me if she changes her mind. Obviously, we work together and right after this quick talk, we had to go work together, but I personally felt like we both didn't get enough time to talk, so we made plans to speak after work but she had to cancel them because of a prior commitment, so we made plans to talk the following day.

 

While I was at work, she was texting me saying that she can't talk that day either but we would soon. Right after that talk, she called my job to say that she couldn't make it in today and the only way for her to not come in was for me to basically take her shift, I said no because her reason for calling in was clearly different than the reason she gave me for not being able to continue our talk.

 

After that, my co-worker I was with that day told me that 2 days prior (when she was taking time to herself) a guy came in to pick her up and she had a hickey on her neck. My co-worker confronted her and asked if her and I were still dating because if we were, that what she was doing was wrong (we were technically still together during that time). She told my co-worker not to tell me, but she said I deserved to know. Naturally, I got extremely mad and called her up and demanded we speak right then and I left work (it was a slow day so I was allowed to leave) and raced to her place.

 

Her and I got into a heated discussion and regrettable things were said by both of us. Ultimately, she told me that this guy was a friend of hers and that her, her roommate and him were having drinks and he was trying to kiss her but she told him no. She said that he slept in her room and she sleep in her roommates room. She insists she was going to tell me but I told her that obviously she wasn't going to and that I thought she cared about me and respected me more than that.

 

After things got less heated, we calmed down and things got emotional and we talked about her reasoning for breaking up and she says that everything with the whole stealing and having to deal with the courts was stressing her out and that just a lot of stuff is happening in her life and that she shouldn't have committed to something she wasn't ready for. She said I deserve better and that I am really sweet and she cares about me too. I (foolishly) told her that I didn't want to rush her and make her do something she wasn't ready for. I told her that even though I have strong feelings for her, I care about her and want to be here for her and that I would try to be friends right now, but to tell me ultimately if she feels like she wants a relationship with someone else or just doesn't want to try dating me again, that I would walk away. I asked for complete honesty and communication and she agreed. We both also agreed that we needed a few days to process things and then we could talk again.

 

Cue yesterday. When leaving work, I always take the same way home, which involves driving by her place and I saw a car I had never seen before pull up to her place. Something didn't feel right in my gut and I made the decision to double back and see. I saw her standing outside the car holding bags and another guy getting out of the car with bags. I figured, "Here is a guy that I have never seen or heard of before and oddly enough, a friend of hers that I never saw or heard of before tried to make out with her the other day." (she also claimed he was from out of town and that she wouldn't call him or bring him to her place so I could confront him).

 

I went into a rage and texted her asking who that guy was and why she promised me honesty and she said that nothing else happened and she had nothing else to tell me but now there is some dude going into her place. I called her and I told her that I am coming to drop her off and to get my stuff back. She pretty much didn't respond to anything except saying that I can come by whenever to do that. So, I did and when I told her I was there, her roommate came out instead of her...

 

I asked, "Where is she, is she not coming to deal with this herself?" To which her roommate said "Not that I agree with what she is doing, but don't threaten my best friend again or I will break you neck." (I told my ex that I would tell our boss about what she did in Toronto because she was trying to get under my skin. I ultimately apologized to her and I guess she told her roommate everything and opened up to her more than to me) I told her to go for it, and she did nothing but stare me down. I gave her my ex's , except one thing that I bought myself and I realized that it was mine, so I handed it to her but before she could take it, I dropped it and said "See ya." She told me that I would "regret that."

 

So I am about to head out soon to meet my ex to get my stuff from her because her roommate didn't give me anything and we are going to part ways after this. Im struggling to decide if I made the right call to call her out on this, or if this guy really is just a friend, but I feel like too many things don't add up. My ex told me that she didn't come outside because I am being irrational and that she doesn't need to tell me who she spends time with or talks to.

 

Honestly, she said she was thinking about the break up for a little while but I thought things were going alright and I knew how much stress she was under so I assumed that was why she was a bit distant. I took us to the movies and even to The Keg. I did a lot of things and spent a lot of time and money, but she couldn't just tell me that things weren't going to work before all of that? When I was texting her yesterday during my rage, she was being selective on what she would respond to and sometimes go long periods of time without saying anything. She insists that she didn't cheat on me and even if she didn't have sex with this guy, she probably made out with him and she didn't feel it necessary to get a hold of me right when he "tried to kiss me but I said no". Too much just doesn't make sense and even if I jumped to conclusions when I saw that guy, it doesn't look good, she didn't do anything to try to tell me I was wrong, she didn't come see me, she didn't tell me when that with her friend went down, ect...

 

I just feel like an idiot I guess because I just let so much go and didn't stand up for myself sooner.

[Wiseman2]

Just arrange a time to get your stuff. Just get it and go. It's over she is a hot mess. She steals, she breaks hearts, she sleeps around.

 

Unless you love drama, do yourself a favor and move on to a girl who's not a sociopath.

her reasoning for breaking up and she says that everything with the whole stealing and having to deal with the courts was stressing her out and that just a lot of stuff is happening in her life and that she shouldn't have committed to something she wasn't ready for.

[MovieGuy18]

I was going to go there today and get my stuff before work but she just texted me saying that she would leave my stuff outside for me to get. She said she doesn't feel like she is in a state and she isn't comfortable right now seeing me.

 

I just told her to hold onto my stuff and to contact me when she is ready to see me. I know I shouldn't apologize for anything, but I feel like I said some things and acted too much out of rage and apologized for some things I said. I just feel like I deserve more than just to have my stuff left outside for me.

[Sportster2005]

So, more or less you think that I should just forget about her?

 

So far, I feel like the thing I should be doing is showing her support and still treat her exactly how I did before, but give her more space and time for herself. Obviously, I didn't ask her how long she might feel that she needs to figure herself out because, it's not always possible to determine that.

 

She's not emotionally available. I believe that. I also believe in disengaging from people like that. You mentioned you want more. She can't give it. And unfortunately when the timing is bad, it never works out. When she's ready, she will probably see you as the nice friend that helped her through the rough times. She'll be ready to date, just not you.

 

I think you are taking a terrible risk by sticking around.

[overthemoon86]

MovieGuy!!!! You are back, sorry I didn't see the thread before, I just reread everything... AND whattttttt is going on dude??? Jeez... this story sounds very familiar with the last ex girlfriend story plus the stealing.

 

You seem to find girls with all the issues and this one is no exception. I mean I actually give her a lot of credit for telling you how much of a basket case she is and she has A LOT of issues. She seems to hop from guy to guy, you said she had a drug problem, issues with depression, and the stealing. I mean the fact that she stole something right in front of you means she literally gives zero f**** You need to let this one go and NOW. This is going no where. And you deserve SOOO much better!

 

So here is what you do - get your stuff and never speak to her again. Also, do not start intimate relationships with people at work. That never goes well.

[MovieGuy18]

So, you don't think that my confronting her about seeing her with this dude was too much? I just find myself wondering, "What if it really didn't mean anything?" because when her roommate came out to get her , there was a car parked behind me that she told them to wait, so perhaps a group thing was happening. I just find it hard to believe that she was riding in her friends car by herself and that they are "just friends".

 

I feel like her not being ready to see me means that she knows that I am right and she can't handle facing me right now. I feel that I deserve more after these three months so I am waiting for her to tell me when she is ready to meet me.

[overthemoon86]

So, you don't think that my confronting her about seeing her with this dude was too much? I just find myself wondering, "What if it really didn't mean anything?" because when her roommate came out to get her , there was a car parked behind me that she told them to wait, so perhaps a group thing was happening. I just find it hard to believe that she was riding in her friends car by herself and that they are "just friends".

 

I feel like her not being ready to see me means that she knows that I am right and she can't handle facing me right now. I feel that I deserve more after these three months so I am waiting for her to tell me when she is ready to meet me.

 

None of this should matter to you. She told you she does not want a relationship with you and you do. You are not on the same page. You need to move on. Trust me, she would not play games if she wanted to be with you.

[Wiseman2]

You have no choice. She doesn't have to keep your stuff there or talk to you. Pick it up before it goes out with the trash or to goodwill. Contact her another time to 'talk'.

I was going to go there today and get my stuff before work but she just texted me saying that she would leave my stuff outside for me to get. She said she doesn't feel like she is in a state and she isn't comfortable right now seeing me

[MovieGuy18]

I told her that after three months, I deserve better than that. I told her to let me know when she is good to meet and talk and give me my stuff. She said she would let me know.

 

Obviously, if she doesn't get a hold of me to give me my stuff, I will just contact the police to get my stuff back.

[FlashEng1]

So, you don't think that my confronting her about seeing her with this dude was too much? I just find myself wondering, "What if it really didn't mean anything?" because when her roommate came out to get her , there was a car parked behind me that she told them to wait, so perhaps a group thing was happening. I just find it hard to believe that she was riding in her friends car by herself and that they are "just friends".

 

I feel like her not being ready to see me means that she knows that I am right and she can't handle facing me right now. I feel that I deserve more after these three months so I am waiting for her to tell me when she is ready to meet me.

 

It was absolutely too much. EVERYTHING you are doing at this point is "Too much." When outside sources get involved (ie, family, friends, ROOMMATES); and when dealing with someone who too has a record (of any type, arrest, warning, conviction) the only end result is one that's much less than desired.

 

Understand this man.. unless you two have children (and even then!) together, there's nothing this woman owes you. No excuse, no story. Nothing. And this is one of the hardest pills people such as yourself has to swallow. It's not about respect, or understanding, or any of that.

 

Her communication with you was extremely clear in the beginning.. She wanted FWB. Straight up. You've since taken things further down a path that she wasn't entirely comfortable with, and continued to warn you of from the get go. Moving forward, the SECOND someone tells you this, and you're not on the same page: RUN AWAY.

 

Life is a trillion times better and happier when you make such sacrifices early on. Right now you're basically leaving your things at her place as a reason to communicate with her again.. Why?!?! You have your answer. Her ACTIONS are telling you everything. Do you honestly believe any human being, while caught in the middle of the act, is simply going to jump up and admit their wrongdoing?? Not happening.. Hardly ever if it does! So you "SEEING" this friend/whoever he is at her place isn't enough for you? You just need to know if he's "more" than a friend or something..

 

Something that can help you with that is to imagine her telling him the SAME thing she told you, BUT... he actually follows through with his word!! In other words, they ARE "just friends" ............ with benefits. In her mind she's telling you exactly the truth, as it's none of your business or any else's what those benefits really entail. (She's not on the same mental state of being in a committed relationship like you are, to see how wrong she is in her actions right now.. she's said some of this before, remember that).

 

At this point, swallow whatever it is that's stuck in your throat (Pride maybe??) and find a way for her to drop your things off (outside, at work, at a friends), and move on.. Seriously move on. You won't get the answers you seek, at least not the *right* ones. And you're only deluding yourself more with this girl trying to make any stance or demand anything. She's only going to avoid your further, and unfortunately in her world (to her roommate, coworkers on her side, friends, family) you're the crazy guy that just can't get the hint. I get it, you're hurt, you want answers, you may even want to apologize and clear a couple points up. The only answer to all of that is: It's too late. Maybe with the next girl.

 

But no worries, everyone ITT is right anyway when they say she was wrong for you anyway given her record and choice of lifestyle.. You can do better, but please stop having her think that she made the right decision breaking things off and distancing herself from you. Make her regret that decision by walking away yourself and moving on with your life.

 

EDIT**

I told her that after three months, I deserve better than that. I told her to let me know when she is good to meet and talk and give me my stuff. She said she would let me know.

 

Obviously, if she doesn't get a hold of me to give me my stuff, I will just contact the police to get my stuff back.

 

Have you dealt with the police in situations like this before? All she has to do is show them the text where she said she left it outside for you to pick up, and you said no. All that matters was that an attempt was made and she didn't want to meet face to face to do it. They'll come back to you and shrug their shoulders because you didn't take the opportunity given to you. Especially after she tells them she threw everything away afterwards.

[Wiseman2]

You can't because she offered a reasonable opportunity to collect your things. In fact it may backfire because the cops may arrest you for harassing/stalking her, since she is not obligated to talk to you.

 

Cool off, think with your head and just get your stuff, talk to her another time. If you make a scene on her property she and her roommates have every right to call the cops and have you arrested for trespassing.

I will just contact the police to get my stuff back.

[Ms Darcy]

It was absolutely too much. EVERYTHING you are doing at this point is "Too much." When outside sources get involved (ie, family, friends, ROOMMATES); and when dealing with someone who too has a record (of any type, arrest, warning, conviction) the only end result is one that's much less than desired.

 

Understand this man.. unless you two have children (and even then!) together, there's nothing this woman owes you. No excuse, no story. Nothing. And this is one of the hardest pills people such as yourself has to swallow. It's not about respect, or understanding, or any of that.

 

Her communication with you was extremely clear in the beginning.. She wanted FWB. Straight up. You've since taken things further down a path that she wasn't entirely comfortable with, and continued to warn you of from the get go. Moving forward, the SECOND someone tells you this, and you're not on the same page: RUN AWAY.

 

Have you dealt with the police in situations like this before? All she has to do is show them the text where she said she left it outside for you to pick up, and you said no. All that matters was that an attempt was made and she didn't want to meet face to face to do it. They'll come back to you and shrug their shoulders because you didn't take the opportunity given to you. Especially after she tells them she threw everything away afterwards.

 

Amen to Flash for actually writing all this out. I am a bit doubtful you will really take the advice since your poor reasoning skills led you to dating a "kleptomaniac."

 

But the bottom line is, I think you need to stop focusing on her and focus a whole lot more on yourself. Healthy sees crazy and runs across the street. You aren't in a healthy place so you were/are attracted to her STILL.

 

And going into a rage and demanding answers from someone who is now your ex-fwb is nutty. AND can easily get you a lovely little restraining order or worse yet tossed in jail. Just resolve to end contact with her. She's your ex-fwb. She's not your gf. She never was. She's not your anything.

 

This is also reason number #5303 not to date coworkers.

[MovieGuy18]

She was not my friend with benefits. We were officially a couple starting in July.

[Ms Darcy]

She was not my friend with benefits. We were officially a couple starting in July.

 

Regardless, she was your ex when you went into a rage correct?

 

Also, that doesn't negate the fact that it was insane to date her in the first place. That's what you should really be looking at.

[HeartGoesOn]

Obviously, if she doesn't get a hold of me to give me my stuff, I will just contact the police to get my stuff back.

 

She'll likely file for a restraining order before it reaches that point. Other than that, I agree with everyone here.

[boltnrun]

The police aren't going to do a gosh darn thing except chastise you for wasting their time.

 

You want to call the police as "revenge", right? To pay her back for seeing another guy and refusing to talk to you. Police don't exist so you can use them as payback against someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore.

[MovieGuy18]

I never stated calling the police for revenge. Not sure where you are getting that?

 

I said that she told me that she would hold my stuff and meet me when she is ready. If she doesn't get a hold of me and I contact her and here nothing, I will contact the police about how I have not been given my property.

 

In the text, she made the agreement to meet me when she is ready so there is evidence of that on both phones.

[Wiseman2]

Why blow this out of proportion? It's a headache you don't need. Who cares when and how you get your stuff as long as you get it. Talk to her some other time when cooler heads prevail.

If she doesn't get a hold of me and I contact her and here nothing, I will contact the police about how I have not been given my property

[FlashEng1]

I was going to go there today and get my stuff before work but she just texted me saying that she would leave my stuff outside for me to get. She said she doesn't feel like she is in a state and she isn't comfortable right now seeing me.

 

I just told her to hold onto my stuff and to contact me when she is ready to see me.

 

This is all the police needs. Anything agreed afterwards is moot. They will ask her (to confirm) if she feels uncomfortable around you to deliver anything, and will go from there. It's almost always NOT in your favor btw. You're much better off sending another quick text that you're prepared to pick up your things outside or some other way that doesn't involve her physically being present. She may have agreed to do this just to get you off her back, or because she was afraid to say no. It happens way too much with law enforcement. They'll know the ropes far better than any way you may want to twist the situation, and that's what's going on here. We all got that feeling, and they will too. You were given a chance to get your things and denied that chance because you wanted to personally see her as well. When you knew you weren't going to be given that chance, you changed the terms to be only when she's ready to contact and see you to give you your things. When they use their best judgement of the situation, it won't play out well for you.

 

Just grab your things and put this story to rest.

 

After sometime, we talked, and she said she just got out of a long term relationship and is looking for a FWB thing right now. Even though I am looking for an actual relationship---

 

She insists that I did nothing wrong and that it is just her and how she is feeling right now, and that she thinks she needs a friend right now more than anything and that she can't do a relationship, sexual or otherwise right now.

 

Simply put, she feels that she can't give me what I want right now but still wants to see me and spend time with me.

 

This is all you need to know. These are the facts of your situation. Everything else that came about, came from peer pressure of some sort.. Someone who was not ready to make sound decisions (as evidenced by the list of events that's happened next, as well as the overall consensus of opinion on this girl ITT), for whatever reason was pressured into taking things to the next level and being boyfriend/girlfriend.

[Ms Darcy]

This is all you need to know. These are the facts of your situation. Everything else that came about, came from peer pressure of some sort.. Someone who was not ready to make sound decisions (as evidenced by the list of events that's happened next, as well as the overall consensus of opinion on this girl ITT), for whatever reason was pressured into taking things to the next level and being boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

This is a very good point. I get the feeling she would sort of half try to tell you the truth but you wouldn't really give up so she just sort of took to giving in and then basically doing the very opposite to get out of it. The BF/GF thing is a perfect example where it seems there she may have felt pressured. And of course she said she wasn't seeing this guy to your face when she clearly was.

 

She's telling you through actions she doesn't want anything more to do with you.

[MovieGuy18]

I sent her a message telling her that I would like to see her in two days time to get my things and if she has any respect for me or for whatever we had, then she will be there to see me. I mentioned that if she chooses not to see me, that is fine, but I will get 100% proof that she did in fact cheat on me.

 

There is no way to get a restraining order against me if I drove by her place because I was on my way home from work. Can't exactly get a restraining order when she works with me too, but I believe she will leave.

 

Either way, I will leave this thread as it is for now. I don't really have much else to say. I don't want to believe that she may have cheated on me (whether that be sexually/physically/emotionally) but I just have a gut feeling and too many signs point to that. I only hope she cares enough about me to be up front but I guess time will tell.

 

Thank you all for your advice.

[Ms Darcy]

I sent her a message telling her that I would like to see her in two days time to get my things and if she has any respect for me or for whatever we had, then she will be there to see me. I mentioned that if she chooses not to see me, that is fine, but I will get 100% proof that she did in fact cheat on me.

 

Her not seeing you isn't proof that she cheated or not. That's an odd thing you would make up as proof.

 

I hope she doesn't see you. You don't need to risk flying off the handle.

 

Good luck!